HitsuHina: Just another Love Story...
A Bleach Fanfic.
Winner of the 2009 Anime Evolution Fanfiction contest: Best Romance
xxxXXXxxx
Most stories have a beginning, middle and end. Beginning: A hero (Why must there always be a hero?) must go on a dangerous journey across the land to save the one he desires. Middle: The hero is confronted with a supernatural being that opposes him in battle. The hero is on the verge of death until... End: The hero overcomes the villain in a surge of bravery, the villain is slain, the hero saves the day and gets the girl.
Unfortunately, this story is a bit different. This is a story of love. There is a beginning, and a middle, but the story never ends. The hero of this story never overcomes the villain, the day is not saved, and the barrier blocking the hero's heart from his significant other is never quite broken. Instead, the hero is shattered in more ways than one, quietly disguising his agony in a canvas of sapped emotion. Love stories never have a happy ending, at least not Hinamori Momo's.
"But my story is going to end soon, anyway." I conclude with a sigh.
Maybe this was the wrong thing to do? Running away from your duties was not a trait I was taught as a Shinigami. Painful memories flood back of captain Aizen, my mentor until just a few days ago.
"A Shinigami must always face his fears" the Captains voice rang with importance "Whether your fear is that of a Hollow, or something more horrendous, running away is not the noble thing to do. A fear can usually be conquered with a little patience, and the situation usually turns out better than you ever thought it would. Bravery is not judged by how many lives are saved, but rather the conquering of one's fears." His kind brown eyes bore into mine. "Remember my words, Hinamori."
"I will." I reply with eagerness.
Now I am not so sure I will stick to my word. I was here in fact, to pack my bags. I was leaving the Soul Society. I was running away from my fear. My fear of...
I'm not quite sure what my fear is. All I know is that I need to get away from it. It suffocates me. I feel like a child, running away from something that scares me, and not even sure what it is that causes that fear. Running away might just save me. Then again, it might kill me too.
Him.
The reason for all my suffering. I catch my breath every time he walks by. When he moves on I can't stand it. When he holds me in his arms I feel safe from all harm, but when he leaves I feel vulnerable. I can't live without him. I can't breathe half the time because of it. It makes no sense, I mean, we've been good friends since we were small. I never used to feel this way in our younger days. We spent so much time together then. All I know is that whenever we're together, I feel safe. Like nothing in the world can touch us. Alone in our little world. Now every time he's gone I nearly die. The only way for me to live is to stay here, with him. So why am I leaving?
I've learned that numbness dulls the pain. Numbness masks everything I feel. Without it, I would not be able to bear packing my things right now. But numbness also masks my happiness. The few times in my life when I am truly happy are when I'm with him. The numbness masks those rare feelings of happiness as well. I need to get away from it. It's unhealthy.
It's not like he hasn't noticed my pain. He has started to visit me more often, to check up on me. Much to my delight. But I can't tell him of my feelings. He would probably think I was crazy. And how do I describe them? Sum them up in one word? That would be pretty difficult. The only word that might come close would be... love.
I've heard of love before. The feeling that makes people feel lightheaded when they see one another. The feeling that gives you butterflies in your stomach. The feeling that makes you want to be with the other always, in their arms, and never letting go. All of those things, I feel for him.
But I also feel other things. Things not natural when you're in love. Pain, suffering. My breathing is ragged and sickly when he leaves me. I feel like the places he touches aren't a part of me anymore; my arms, my fingertips. I feel stripped naked and exposed to the world, like a newborn puppy, pink skinned and vulnerable. Love is a dangerous thing. It must be, if what I'm experiencing really is love.
I want so desperately for him to know how I feel. Before I leave, I want him to know. But I'm so afraid to voice my feelings. So afraid of rejection. He's a part of my world, and if that part were gone, I don't know if I could live. Maybe that's the fear I'm running away from, the fear of telling him how I feel and being rejected. So why don't I just stay and face my fear? It's what Aizen would want me to do, and what I want myself to do too.
"Momo."
His voice startled me so much I almost cried out loud. I stopped myself before opening my mouth. An electric shock rushed through my body. I could feel his spiritual pressure behind me, pulsing, holding me down. I swallowed a lump in my throat and decided in that moment what I was going to do. I was going to confront my fear. I had to. If I left without telling him, I would never forgive myself. I turned around and braced myself for the shock I knew I would feel when I looked into his brilliant teal eyes.
He was closer than I thought, almost two feet away. My body spasmed, and I must have turned white or something because he was above me in a flash of a second.
"Momo?" He sounded worried. I set a hand on the table beside me to steady myself and catch my breath. Unsteadily I look up, sneaking another glance at his eyes. They were hard and concerned. His eyebrows were furrowed in the middle of his forehead. I was content to stand there and stare into his beautiful eyes, until grudgingly I remembered the real reason I was here. I smiled weakly.
"Hi." My voice sounded weak and frail.
He relaxed and heaved a sigh of relief. It was only then that I'd noticed he had had one arm wrapped around my lower back, steadying me. He released his grip around me and paused for only a moment, as if in hesitation. He stepped back and I felt his spiritual pressure lessen its hold around me a little.
Toushiro Hitsugaya. The source of all my pain, and my happiness. He was like something from a dream. I couldn't help but run my eyes across his godly body. He was wearing his Captains outfit, his Zanpaktou casually strewn across his right shoulder and held in place with green cloth. As usual his snow white hair was spiked straight up, with only one stray piece styled to the side. As I stared his startling eyes bore into mine, intense and wild.
"How are you feeling?" he asked me suddenly.
"I'm alright." I lied quickly. My voice was too weak. I needed to strengthen it up a bit if I was going to be able to do this. I needed to be strong.
A quick smile crossed his face.
"Good." He said.
He stuffed his hands in his pockets with one swift movement and looked around the bare room. His eyes darted from the suitcase, and then back to me. Confusion crossed his face.
"Momo, why are you packing your things? Are you going somewhere?"
"Yes." I replied. This was it. I had to say it now. The words were out of my mouth before I could think them over properly.
"I'm leaving the Soul Society" I mumbled too fast "I'm running away. I'm not really sure what I'm running from, all I know is that I need to get away from it. I know you probably think I'm crazy and stupid, running away from the things I fear. But the truth is, I'm dying inside. It's killing me. I can't breathe half the time, and I feel sick and tired. I need to get away before I lose it completely. Or, at least I need to find a way to beat it. I've felt like this for awhile now, every day, all the time. Except..." I looked up and stared straight into his eyes. "...when I'm with you."
I was off again before I could judge his reaction.
"The thing is Toushiro" I breathed deeply. "When I'm with you..." I chocked on the words. I couldn't do it. No. I had to. Stay focused!
"When I'm with you everything changes. I feel safe. I feel like nothing can hurt me. I feel like I weigh nothing and I'm walking on clouds. Everytime you look at me I get an electric shock. My heart races. My stomach flips and my knees feel weak. All I can think about is being with you, in your arms and staying that way forever. I feel complete when we're together, like I've found my missing piece. You complete me Toushiro. I feel so happy when you're with me, I forget everything else. And I feel this way whenever you come to see me, whenever you're around. But when you're gone, it's hard for me to live. I don't feel like myself. I feel like pieces of me are still wandering around with you. I feel all these things and I don't know how to describe it properly, and I don't know how to deal with myself when you're gone. I don't know how to talk to anyone about how I feel; I don't even know how I feel myself. But what I really think is..."
I stopped to catch my breath before I said it. I was choking on my words. I couldn't say it. I couldn't do it. I looked at him to see if he knew what I meant, and found myself losing my train of thought in his eyes.
"What I think is..." I mumbled losing it again. I felt numb. Stop it! I screamed at myself. Focus! Snap out of it, Momo! I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts and get back on track. Two more heartbeats and it would be out. My secret I have been holding in for so long. I swallowed and took a deep breath. I opened my mouth and discovered that my voice was incredibly calm.
"I think I'm in love with you."
I wouldn't be able to describe what happened next. A wave of so many emotions overwhelmed me; it's hard to decide which one was most prominent. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, a weight that I had been trying to carry for too long.
"I'm in love with you Toushiro." I repeated "and it's killing me. That's why I need to leave."
I glanced at him hopefully to see his reaction. He held none. His face was blank and unreadable. I panicked. Did I do the right thing? Would he ever speak to me again? I felt tears well up behind my eyes and quickly turned away from him to wipe them away with my sleeve. I couldn't cry, not here, not now. I was conscious of his footsteps coming towards me. Biting my lip I looked up at his blank face, now just mere inches away from mine. How did he get over here so fast? I was going to have to watch it. Being this close would trigger another one of my spasms. Suddenly, he reached out a hand to brush a stray lock of hair away from my face. My heart beat fast. What was he doing?
"Momo" he whispered, his voice sweet "you have beautiful eyes."
I was dumbfounded. I had beautiful eyes? What a joke. Had he ever seen himself in a mirror? Everytime I looked into his eyes my breath was taken away, and he was telling me my eyes were beautiful?
His arms wrapped around me. We stood there for a few moments, in each other's arms, until slowly the space between the two of us began to gradually slip away. His nose brushed against mine and I could feel his breath on my skin. It was cold as ice, but his body was surprisingly warm. I shivered and all the thoughts inside my head were washed away. He was so close... Our eyes locked in place as his lips creeped closer to mine, now only centimetres away. Our spiritual pressure danced around us, pressing us closer together, and for once my breathing was regular. My heart fluttered, but I felt calmer than I had ever been before, like I was in exactly the right place in the world at exactly the right moment. My eyelids drooped and I closed them shut, just as his soft lips touched mine. His ice-cold breath shot through my body and travelled to the very tips of my toes as his lips moved over mine. The world around me was spinning, but his arms supported me around the waist and kept me grounded. I lost track of time, and when he pulled away I realized I had forgotten to breathe. I was speechless. He moved away slightly, letting me get a good look at his face, but his grip around me stayed the same. Minutes passed before I realized I was just standing there gawking at him. Say something! My lips moved but I was unable to perform words to go along with them. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks. I must look like a total idiot. Suddenly, his lips curve up into a smile and he raises a hand to my face, delicately running his smooth fingers over my cheek.
"Momo, I..." he seemed at a loss for words. He closed his mouth and tipped his head, boring his eyes into mine intently. I saw the teal in his eyes sparkle as he started again.
"Momo." His words came in a whisper "I... love you too."
I didn't have time to comprehend his words before his lips melted into mine, the kiss drowning my thoughts as the world around us started spinning once again.
The sky was a deep misty blue that hung above our heads like the greatest of paintings. It was a beautiful night, the stars hung in the sky like diamonds and below them, sheltered under a canopy of oak trees, we lay like lovers in the comfort of each other's arms.
"It's so gorgeous..." I murmured softly into the niche of his arm.
"Yeah." He agreed with a whisper, his eyes lost in the abyss of the night sky.
I smiled and sighed contently, snuggling closer to his warm body. The silk of his jacket tickled my nose and I inhaled, breathing in his scent. Comforted, I followed his gaze, fixed on a distant star.
"Momo..." he spoke softly, cradling my head in his neck.
"You're not going to leave, are you?"
I almost laughed and replied;
"No, Toushiro. I'm not going to leave. The reason I was going to leave in the first place was..." I absentmindedly fiddled with the fabric of his jacket.
"...you." I grimaced, remembering the painful memories of the time I spent without him. Hopefully, I would never experience a pain that ruthful ever again.
"Oh, Momo..." he breathed, pain ringing in his voice. I looked up at him and smiled, trying to comfort him, but the hard expression on his face did not leave.
"I'm so sorry... I... if I had any idea how much pain you were going through..." he winced "I would have tried to help you, you know that."
I nodded.
"Then you know I would have done anything in my power to comfort you. With Aizen passing," My face crumpled in pain at the sound of my former Captain's name. "And me causing you so much pain..." he tore his eyes away from mine in shame.
"I was just so oblivious. All of this could have been stopped a long time ago... I just had no idea. Momo, I'm so sorry, I..."
I reached out a hand and turned his face back to look at mine.
"No," I whispered "Please, Toushiro. Don't blame yourself. The way things turned out... I'm happy the way they did. We can't place blame on one another, or ourselves. We just have to go with the way things are... I don't know what will happen in the next while, but we have to believe that things will work out with the Soul Society, and us. I'm just..." I brought his head closer to mine and reduced my voice to a whisper.
"...so glad that we're together."
He smiled and wrapped his arms around me tightly in a hug. I was lost in a sea of silk, inhaling the warmth and the sweet smell of his clothes when he pulled away. We gazed into each other's eyes until I saw something flash in the sky.
"Toushiro, look!"
He followed my gaze up until he could see it too, a shooting star falling to earth.
"Make a wish." I murmured playfully. His eyes lay glued on the star in thought until we returned our gaze to one another, his eyes sparkling like frozen ice.
"I wish..." he spoke softly, pulling me close. I smiled and let my head rest on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat, and the gentle rise and fall of his breathing.
"I wish... for us to be together, forever."
I smiled and closed my eyes peacefully.
"Yes..." I agreed "together... forever."
Maybe my love story has a happy ending after all.