Disclaimer: I don't own X-Force, or Gremlins, or The Wizard of Oz, or Alice In Wonderland. I wrote this after reading Lewis Carroll novels for English.
Roberto's Adventures In Ozland
The cast in alphabetical order:
Domino = The Wicked Witch of Hearts
Gizmo = Toto
Jimmy (Warpath) = The Lion
Jubilee = Tweedledumb (Tweedledum)
Julio (Rictor) = The Mad Mexican (The Mad Hatter)
Maria (Feral) = The Little Cat Girl (The Cheshire Cat)
Monet (M) = Tweedledweeb (Tweedledee)
Nathan (Cable) = The Tinman
Professor Xavier = The Telepath of Ozland (like you didn't see that coming)
Roberto (Sunspot) = Dorothy/Alice
Sam (Cannonball) = The Scarecrow
Shatterstar = The Warrior Mouse (The Dormouse)
Tabitha (Meltdown) = Dorothy/Alice (don't ask, it's just how it worked out)
Teresa (Siryn) = The Good Witch of Ireland
The Wicked Queen of the West = um… she's just herself.
Wade (Deadpool) = The Merc Hare (The March Hare)
Prelude: In the Beginning
The young people on the team X-Force were training hard as usual. They ordinarily don't enjoy beating their leader senseless, but Cable was being rather evil earlier.
"You can't hide long..." Roberto began. He noticed a small white rabbit scampering across the field were they trained.
Cable was now on the offensive, noticing the young man's moment of weakness.
Roberto was entirely oblivious of Cable's attack. He starred intently at the bunny. Then, all the boy saw was complete blackness...
Part 1: Into the Gremlin Hole
"The white rabbit!" Roberto screamed, jumping from his bed where he had been placed about twenty minutes earlier.
"Bobby, you okay?" Tabitha asked. Roberto had not noticed her presence until that time.
"I saw a white rabbit when we were training. There was something odd about it, I have to find it." Roberto spoke very seriously to his girlfriend, thinking she'd understand.
"Cable hit you pretty hard. I think you dreamed it..." Tabitha commented doubtfully.
"Yo! Berto!" A small, but slightly familiar voice called from the corner. Bobby and
Tabitha turned in unison to see a small, furry animal.
"Gizmo!" Roberto was really freaked out now, "I thought you weren't very articulate..."
"Yeah, yeah, that's what all you stupid humans think." Gizmo commented spitefully, he cleared his throat, "Look, the Queen of the West and her sister the Wicked Witch of Hearts are wreaking havoc in Ozland. It is your destiny to stop them."
"Ooo-kay..." Bobby was a bit confused.
"Come with me." Gizmo said. A small door opened, and Gizmo walked through. Bobby wasn't sure that he could fit. He squeezed through, pulling with his fingernails until he was all the way freed from the miniscule doorway. He couldn't see anything; there was just blackness...
"C'mon!" Bobby blindly followed the sound of Gizmo's voice. He heard a door slam behind him and was instantly in a well-lit room.
"Well, how'd we get here?" Gizmo wondered aloud, "Well, since we're at my place..." Gizmo began, but was cut off by a sudden loud gust of wind. Bobby had experienced flying
before and recognized the feeling of being in the air. The small house spun around and round in the air sickeningly for what seemed to be and eternity, then landed cumbersomely on the ground with a deafening crash."Gizmo, I don't think we're in Westchester anymore." Bobby looked around at the strange, colorful world around him. He then noticed a pair of feet, wearing silver combat boots, protruding from the foundations of the house.
"M
áe de Deus! Your house landed on someone!" Roberto was very frantic.Suddenly, thousands of munchkins appeared. "The wicked Queen of the West is dead!" They all chanted in unison. A witch flew up abruptly; she was decked out in solid black. She had black hair, very pale skin, and a circular tattoo on her eye. A sigh of horror resonated through the crowd.
"Holy nosewipes, Bobby! It's the Wicked Witch of Hearts!" Gizmo screamed.
"You killed my sister, and now I want her silver combat boots!" The Witch
Screeched.
"Ye wonna get 'em!" A voice appeared behind Bobby. He turned to see a girl with red hair floating toward their direction.
"It's the Good Witch of Ireland!" Gizmo cried gleefully.
"I'll get you, my pretty!" The Wicked Witch called as she flew away, "And your little Gremlin, too!"
The crowd of munchkins cheered.
"Welcome to the Munchkin city, baby!" One munchkin called out. Bobby looked down at his feet. The silver combat boots magically appeared there. He was really freaked out now, and decided to run. He and Gizmo ran through a field of poppies. Five munchkins had followed them, and Bobby was oblivious to their existence.
"Let's get him!" The leader cried to the others. All five munchkins jumped Bobby at once, dragging him to the ground. The munchkins continued beating him. "This is what you get for killing our master!" One munchkin screamed. The evil creatures dragged Bobby by his hair through the field.
"Let me go! You little..." a string of incoherent Portuguese and Askani obscenities followed that.
The unexpected language flux frightened the munchkins, and they all ran away. Gizmo quickly caught up to Bobby.
"C'mon! We have to find the Telepath of Ozland to help us save this place!" Gizmo urged Bobby on.
Gizmo led Bobby around for a short time when they approached a path. It was yellowy in color and had a large tree with many signs marking a crossroad. In the fork of the tree was a girl who looked like an orange cat. Roberto and Gizmo studied the signs carefully, then from the corner of his eye Roberto noticed a form next to him; a short, blonde girl.
"It's Tabitha!" Bobby thought. "But, she's dressed really weird..." Bobby examined her clothing: blue schoolgirls' dress, white knee-high stockings, and black Mary-Jane slippers.
"I need to find the Telepath of Ozland." Tabitha looked up at Bobby; "Can you help me?"
"Sure thing, Babe!" Bobby responded, "That's where we're headed."
The trio continued studying the signs. Some were written in an indecipherable childish scrawl, but the others read: "This Way To The Mad Mexican," "Merc Hare's House," "House of the Warrior Mouse," "Ozland Institute of Higher Learning," and "This Way To The Ozland Gift Shop."
"Let's go to the Mad Mexican." Gizmo suggested
"I don't want to go about mad people." Tabitha said, "Let's go to the Merc
Hare."
"Oh that won't help any," a small voice was heard from the tree. The trio looked up. It was the orange cat girl! "You see, we're all mad here."
"Okay, maybe we can go to the Mad Mexican." Tabitha said after a moment of awkward silence. The trio set off on the yellow path to visit the Mad Mexican, oddly they could all hear loud, bassy music from the crossroad.
Part 2: The Mad Mexican's Party
Roberto, Gizmo, and Tabitha walked the yellowy road for awhile. They traveled until they came to a cornfield. They heard a strange rustling in the field.
"WHAT is THAT?! Gizmo wondered aloud.
"It's coming out!" Tab screamed.
"It's a scarecrow..." Bobby was now rightfully confused.
"Can y'all help me?" The Scarecrow asked to any that would listen. The Scarecrow was very tall with blonde hair and blue eyes.
"Omigod! It spoke!" Tabitha was screaming again.
"If ah only had a brain!" The Scarecrow wailed.
"Do you need any help?" Bobby coolly asked the odd creature.
"Can ya take me to thu Telepath o' Ozland?" The Scarecrow seemed very serious and pathetic, "Ah cain't find 'im on muh own."
"Sure thing!" Gizmo responded, "That's where we're going!"
The four continued their journey, hoping to get directions to the Telepath from the Mad Mexican. The loud music began to get louder and louder, until the song could actually be determined.
"Hey, I know this song," Bobby began, "It's that POWERMAN 5000 song!"
Indeed, it was "When Worlds Collide".
All of the sudden, the path came to an end, and there was the biggest party anyone had ever seen in their life! There was a large table covered with half-empty bottles of various forms of alcohol, and there were a lot of drunken people. The innumerable speakers were blaring the familiar song surrounded the drunken heathens.
At the center of the group were two young men, obviously the hosts.
"That must be the Mad Mexican!" Gizmo squealed in delight.
"But 'e don' look Mexican..." the Scarecrow was somewhat confused.
The two young men approached Bobby and his friends.
"You four must have just gotten here." The boy with long brown hair said. From his accent, Bobby knew he must be the Mad Mexican.
"You guys aren't drunk. C'mon, join the party!" The other young man spoke. He wore a red mask with two black ovals over the eyes.
"Who are you guys?" Gizmo asked.
"I'm the Mad Mexican, he's the Merc Hare. And over there..." the Mad Mexican indicated to another young man with long reddish blonde hair and a star-shaped tattoo on one eye sleeping at the table, "...is mi amigo, the Warrior Mouse! I dunno who all these other people are..."
The Merc Hare led Bobby to the table. Tab, Gizmo, and the Scarecrow followed.
"Just try to have fun, okay kiddies." The Merc Hare said.
"Yeah, sure man..." Bobby looked around doubtfully.
Bobby looked up and saw the Mad Mexican and the Merc Hare dancing and singing: "Are you ready to go? Cause I'm ready to go... He couldn't help but to laugh.
"C'mon Bobby," Tabitha's voice broke into Bobby's thoughts, "Let's join the party!"
Part 3: The Morning After (Meet the Tweedles)
Roberto woke up, everything was blurry and he had a headache. He looked around and found that he was in a bed, between two people, he couldn't tell who they were yet, but was slightly freaked out. His vision recovered after a moment, and he was between...
The Mad Mexican and the Merc Hare?!
"Aaahhhh!" Bobby screamed, he had passed out at the table, "It was a dream..."
The Mexican and Hare were both under the table, the reason why is still unknown.
Bobby had been the first to wake. Everyone else woke up about an hour or two later.
"Bobby?" Tabitha stood wearily beside him, her voice was weak and her eyes half closed, "Do you remember anything that happened last night?"
"I dunno, couldn't have been anything too bad."
The Mexican and Hare appeared from under the table.
"Madre de Dios, I gotta get a higher tolerance for alcohol. "The Mad Mexican
rubbed his eyes as he arose from his forced nap.
"Maybe thu Telepath o' Ozland can help ya." The Scarecrow suggested.
"By the way," Gizmo added, "Do you know where the Telepath lives?"
"NO!" The mad young men shouted in unison.
So the Mad Mexican and the Merc Hare joined the group to gain a better alcohol tolerance. The Warrior Mouse joined just because the Mad Mexican was his best friend and he had nothing better to do. Roberto, Tabitha, Gizmo, the Scarecrow, the Mad Mexican, the Merc Hare, and the Warrior Mouse all traveled back up the trail. The Merc Hare suggested that they went to his house, so all followed him.
"There's some weird stuff in my closet that makes noises, I'm afraid to check it out on my own," The Merc Hare told them when they approached his house.
They all entered the house together. Bobby heard an odd squeaking noise from the closet that the Hare led them to. The Warrior Mouse cautiously opened the heavy door. Inside was the strangest creature any of them had ever seen. A half man- half-mechanical oddity stood motionless in the dark. It had silver hair and a strange scar on one eye.
"Oh muh Gawd!" The Scarecrow looked horrified.
Tabitha quickly grabbed an oilcan to allow the Tinman to speak.
"Thank you." The Tinman finally said when he was mobile again.
The Mad Mexican instantly felt a strange animosity toward the Tinman.
"If I only had a heart..." the Tinman sighed.
"We're on our way to the Telepath of Ozland," Bobby informed the Tinman, "You can come with us if you wish."
The Tinman wasn't quite sure of how to handle the kindness of the strangers.
"Hey! How'd you get in my closet?" The Merc Hare seemed a bit ticked that someone had been living in his house and he didn't know about it.
"You kidnapped me about six months ago." The Tinman was upset that the Merc Hare didn't remember him.
"Oh yeah! Sorry, I forgot!" At these words, the Tinman broke out into tears from the realization of being forgotten.
Nevertheless, the entire crowd, now including the Tinman, continued down the path they had chosen. It began getting dark, and everyone felt somewhat frightened.
"There's Aliens and Externals and Mercenaries in these forests, mi amigos." The Mad Mexican informed everyone.
"Aliens and Externals and Mercs! Oh my! Aliens and Externals and Mercs! Oh My!" Everyone chanted all at once. Five minutes later, the Merc Hare realized something.
"Hey, I'm a Mercenary!"
"Yeah, and your scary." The Mexican added.
"He's not quite right in the cabeza." The Mad Mexican whispered in Bobby's ear.
After a few minutes of traveling, the group heard something moving in the bushes...
"It's an Alien!"
"It's an External!"
"It's a Merc!"
"It's a Mexican!" The Merc Hare added.
Two identically dressed girls appeared from behind the shrubbery. They were dressed oddly and walked exactly the same.
"I'm Tweedumb!" The Asian girl introduced herself, "And this is Tweedledweeb!" She indicated to the dark-haired, dark-skinned girl with her who had a French accent.
"NO!" the Mad Mexican wailed.
"Go away, most evil and vile creatures!" The Merc Hare held his fingers up like a cross.
The Warrior Mouse had seen these creatures before. His blue eyes were wide with terror. He slowly shrank back behind the Mad Mexican.
The group moved on, hoping that Tweedledumb and Tweedledweeb wouldn't follow. Bobby looked behind them; the incarnations of evil were right behind him! Suddenly, the Warrior Mouse spun around, swords in hand, and bolted toward the Tweedles. Each squealed and ran before the Warrior Mouse could draw blood. After a moment of shock, the Merc Hare led them on, further down the trail.
Part 4: We're Off to See the Telepath
As the group continued down the path, they heard a horrible sobbing from behind a pile of rocks.
"Oh no!" Gizmo cried, "They followed us again!"
"No, it's not them," the Warrior Mouse had a thoughtful look on his face, "The sound is too masculine..."
The Tinman cautiously stalked the crying creature, hoping to get a good look before it saw him. What he found behind the rocks was one of the strangest things Roberto saw on the entire journey. It was a crying lion. It was a very large creature with black hair, and was very Native American looking.
"Are ya okay?" The Scarecrow felt sorry for the pathetic creature.
"Can you *sniff* help me?" The Lion looked so sad, no one could turn him down.
"Sure, man," the Merc Hare said, "What do you need?"
"I want to..." the Lion began, "Oh, nevermind, it's dumb."
"C'mon, you can tell us what you need." Tabitha was determined to help.
"Are you going to see the Telepath?" The Lion asked.
"Yeah, you can come with us if you want." Tabitha suggested.
"Yeah! I wanna come!" The Lion was suddenly very excited.
After another extended period of travelling, the group, which now consisted of Roberto, Tabitha, Gizmo, the Scarecrow, the Mad Mexican, the Merc Hare, the Warrior Mouse, the Tinman, and the Lion, heard an evil cackle from above the trees.
"I told you I'd get you!" The voice crowed.
"She's back!" Gizmo screamed.
The witch threw iridescent dust on the crew, and they abruptly appeared in the Wicked Witch of Hearts' stronghold. They all looked around, very confused.
"For the last time," the Witch came right up in Bobby's face; "I want those silver combat boots."
"What's so special about the stupid boots." Bobby looked down at his feet.
"Hey Kool-Aid!" The Mad Mexican saw a pitcher sitting on the table, full of red liquid. He knew it was there for the munchkin slaves who live off Kool-Aid.
"Scrap ya for it!" The Merc Hare challenged the Mexican.
During the skirmish, the two young men bumped the table. A small amount of Kool-Aid splashed out of the pitcher and hit the Wicked Witch of Hearts. She screamed in agony and fell writhing to the floor.
"Help me Bobby! Get me some paper towels, quick!" She commanded.
"Why should I?" Bobby demanded.
"Roberto, I am your mother."
"No, it's not true!"
"Yes, Roberto, I am your mother! Join me and together we can rule Ozland!"
"No. No! NO!!"
Right then the Wicked Witch of Hearts began melting at an accelerated rate.
"I'm melting! Melting! Melting! melting. melting. melting..."
"Okay, that was scary." The Lion nudged the black puddle that was once the Witch with his toe.
The Mad Mexican and Merc Hare finally decided to share the Kool-Aid. The gang left the Wicked Witches House and found the golden path just outside.
"Wait! I just remembered!" The Mad Mexican cried, "I DO know where the Telepath of Ozland lives!"
"Okay, your gonna die after you lead us to him." Bobby and the others were ticked at the Mexican for knowing where the Telepath lives, everyone except the Warrior Mouse, who was the Mad Mexican's best friend, and the Merc Hare, who also knew where the Telepath resided and was currently busy screaming at a ground hog.
"If you wish to kill him, you will be forced to do battle with me beforehand." the Warrior Mouse threatened, drawing his sword.
They heeded the Mouse's warning and spoke of the situation no more.
The Mad Mexican led "his posse", as he liked to call them, to the fortress of the Telepath of Ozland. Upon their arrival, Roberto realized something.
"Droga! I never found the stupid rabbit!" He seemed a little pouty.
It was a very monotonous journey until the Merc Hare started skipping and chanting "We're off to see the Telepath! The wonderful Telepath of Ozland!" Soon, everyone joined the annoying skipping and chanting, until the immense building was in sight.
"We're here!" The Scarecrow shouted with joy. The motley crew entered the prodigious structure. They were awed as they looked around inside the edifice. They set foot into a gigantic room where they notice a colossal, bald head.
"What do you wish from the Great Telepath of Ozland!" A frightening voice that matched the size of the head boomed.
Gizmo noticed a curtained corner of the room. He bolted to the corner and quickly grabbed the cloth.
"NO! Don't touch that curtain!" The Telepath yelled.
Gizmo pulled the drape aside and revealed a bald man in a floating chair at a microphone.
"Your the Telepath..." the Tinman seemed surprise, but Roberto wasn't in the
least.
"Okay, okay, tell me what you want. Keep in mind, if the wish is too great, I might not be able to grant it."
The Scarecrow spoke first, "Ah wanna brain, so Ah can think fer muhself."
Then the Tinman spoke, "I wish to have a heart... no wait! I want some of those really big guns like I use to have."
Next was the Lion's turn, "I want courage to... um... well... ask out the Good Witch
Of Ireland."
"We want a better alcohol tolerance so we can drink more at our parties!" The Mad Mexican and Merc Hare said together.
The Warrior Mouse sat thoughtfully for a moment, "I wish to be given the opportunity to kill Tweedledumb and Tweedledweeb."
"I want to be taken seriously when I'm trying to speak to people." Gizmo said defiantly.
"I want people to stop underestimating me." Tabitha said bitterly.
"And you?" The Telepath turned to Roberto, who seemed distant.
"I want to go home." Bobby said in a melancholy manner.
"Sadly, that is the one wish a cannot grant." The Telepath shook his head.
Part 5: The Munchkins Strike Back
The band left the Telepath of Ozland's fortress. Although they were happy for their granted wishes, they all felt sorry for Roberto who trailed behind despondently. They
decided to go to the Munchkin City because the Lion was certain he'd find the Good Witch of Ireland there.
They reached the Munchkin City sooner than any expected. Upon their arrival, they heard many of the residents of the city happily chanting "The Wicked Witch is Dead!" The group decided to help the Lion look for the Good Witch.
Suddenly, the five munchkins that attacked earlier stood in front of Bobby and his friends.
"You killed our new master!" The lead munchkin wailed, "Now, you will die!"
The frightened crowd ran with the minions of evil in hot pursuit. Gizmo's house that had fallen on the Queen of the West earlier lay ahead. The crew quickly dove into the fallen structure and locked the door behind them.
"What are ye doin' here?" A familiar voice queried behind them.
"The Good Witch!" The Lion cried joyfully.
"Evil munchkins were chasing us!" The Merc Hare wailed.
"Madre de Dios! They're frothing at the mouth!" The Mad Mexican added.
"I love you!" The Lion quickly put in; "I wanna go out with you!"
"I'm glad ye finally said so, but I've got to get ye out of here." The Good Witch declared.
"No! I love you more!" The Merc Hare argued.
The Good Witch opened the door and screamed at the munchkins, blowing them all away and clearing the way for the "posse".
"Is there any way you can get me home?" Bobby asked the Good Witch of Ireland before she could get away.
"Ye've been able to get home all this time." The Good Witch informed Bobby, "All ye've got to do is click your heels together three times and say 'There's no place like home.'"
Bobby looked down at his feet. "That's why I needed the silver combat boots!" Frighteningly enough, everything, well, almost everything began to make sense to him.
"Go ahead, ye'vena got all day."
Bobby clicked his heels together, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home..."
Part 6: There's No Place Like That Place Where You Sleep and Keep Your Stuff
Bobby woke up in his bed with a horrible headache. He looked around; all his friends were in the room, obviously concerned.
"Where's the Good Witch, and the Mad Mexican and..." Tabitha cut Bobby off.
"It was just a dream, Bobby. When we were training, Cable hit you pretty hard."
"Hey, I heard Cable knocked Roberto in the head." Deadpool entered the room.
"But, Tab, it wasn't a dream," he pointed at her, Julio, Shatterstar, Deadpool, Cable, Teresa, Jimmy, Domino, and Sam, "You were there, and you were there, and you were there..." he continued until everyone on the list had been indicated. "And Professor Xavier was there, and Jubilee and Monet were there, and Feral was there, and, and..."
"Bobby, calm down!" Tabitha tried to quite him, "Tell us about it later, just rest now."
"It was real..." Bobby then drifted off to sleep.
And thus, Roberto DaCosta and his friends lived happily ever after, with the exception of repeated incidents of attempted murder and mutant eradication and the occasional flesh wounds that resulted from these incidents. Not to mention Roberto's insanity upon not having found the white rabbit.
The End