AN: Hello all! Before we all delve into this fanfiction, a few pieces of info:

- Even though I think my English is pretty good, it's not my native language. Please do forgive me if you notice any mistakes. I'd also greatly appreciate it if you'd notify me of these mistakes through PM or review!

- I'm rating this M, just to be safe. I'm not entirely sure where I want this story to go when it comes to (explicit) romance, so again, just to be safe.

- The main pairings are as follows: Sephiroth x OC (m/f), Vincent x OC (m/m) and Angeal x Zack. There will possibly (most likely) be mentions of other pairings.

This is the first fanfiction I've written in ages, so reviews would be greatly appreciated :) Now without further ado, on with the story!

I: Touch Me Buttocks

The silver man was staring at the documents scattered messily on the desk before him, eyes focused on the lines but the words didn't register, didn't stick. He glared at the sharp, ugly handwriting, cat-like green eyes narrowing dangerously, secretly hoping that the pages would cower and tremble under his gaze the same way their writers did, but of course they didn't. They were just papers, after all. He sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly before nodding to himself in an act of encouragement, hoping he could at least finish one stack of papers before bed. Grabbing the heap closest to his hand, he began to read the list of names.

A new year had started, so hundreds of boys and men enlisted in the Shinra army, hoping to become more than they were. Hoping for a better future for themselves or their family, hoping to become heroes or even hoping to simply catch a glimpse of the famous Silver General or his direct subordinates. Most of these men would be sent home after the first few months, half of the resulting group would be killed in action. From the last remaining men, only a handful of them would reach the SOLDIER rank, the rest of them would become troopers in the infantry. The work in the army was dangerous, dirty and everything but glamorous and they knew it to be. Still, they clung to their hopes and dreams as if they were the last things left on the Planet to keep them sane, or alive even. They all had their reasons, and normally the General could all but respect that.

Normally he could, indeed. But today, Sephiroth hated them all equally. And tomorrow too, probably. They were the reason for this obnoxious pile of folders, the huge stack binders and the mess of paperwork scattered about his desk, after all. The General swore to kick Heidegger off the highest tower of the Shinra building the next time he saw the man. The corner of his lips twitched up ever so slightly at the mental image of the fat, green-clad man flailing his stubby arms and his stubby legs as he fell and fell and fell and then splat. He'd be sure to make the President of Shinra clean the resulting mess personally. Just for good measure.

He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Despite his trying to encourage himself, he obviously wasn't going to get any more work done today. He grabbed all the work that lay on his desk in the most disorganized chaos it had ever been, normally he was extremely tidy and organized after all, and stacked them in one neat pile before getting off his chair. All this paperwork wouldn't have been so bad if the President hadn't decided to send his Second in Command away on a mission. A simple escort mission, to boot. SOLDIER Thirds would be able to handle a peaceful escort with ease, but the Head of Weapons Development always demanded one of the highest ranked SOLDIERs to be her bodyguard, and of course, the President was happy to oblige, resulting in even more work for the General and his Commanders.

Sephiroth walked to his kitchen, more mental images of satisfying deaths flashing across his mind, this time with the crimson-clad lady starring in the role of the deceased. He smiled, filled his kettle with water and put it on the stove, hoping that some tea would help him relax before bed. Tomorrow he'd have to speak a word of welcome to the new cadets in the ceremony the President felt was a necessity. To Sephiroth, it was a nuisance. However, ever rationally as he was, he knew that his showing up was great for morale. The cadets were nervous, they always were, and after having said his piece, most of them relaxed. The new recruits idolized the Silver General and his direct subordinates, after all, and having your idols wish you the best in the trials to come must make a man feel better, more confident. Sephiroth didn't have anyone he looked up to, but he could imagine.

A handful of the new recruits would get even more nervous, however, and that in turn would make the General's entire day. He would never forget one cadet specifically, the poor boy had wet himself and passed out before the speech was done. Sephiroth lifted his eyebrow in amusement, he couldn't recall ever hearing of that boy again after that incident. He made a mental note to ask Commander Hewley about the kid's fate. Angeal always knew everything when it came to the cadets and lower ranked SOLDIERs. A true social butterfly, the Commander was.

Sephiroth smiled at the image of Angeal Hewley with big, colourful butterfly wings sprouting out of his ridiculously muscled back. No, he mused, wings certainly didn't suit the log of a man.

Commander Angeal Hewley sat on his bed, holding his PHS to his left ear, laughing at the misery of the woman on the other side of the line.

"Did you seriously eat that?" he asked, amused.

"Stop laughing, it's not funny!" she yelled, her normally pleasant, soft voice was rough and hoarse. Angeal imagined it was because she'd been screaming at Scarlet. The two women all but hated each other. Scarlet couldn't have been happy to hear the Lieutenant would be her escort.

"Who in their right mind eats the ass of a Touch Me?" Valon moaned in displeasure.

Angeal laughed again, wishing he could see her face.

"It's a delicacy in Gongaga, you know."

"Delicacy my a-"

"Valon Harper," Angeal warned. His voice was stern but he wasn't quite able to mask his entertainment. "that's enough profanity for today, young lady."

"I'm sorry, dad." Valon laughed. "Anyways, enough talk about buttocks. How's things at HQ?"

Angeal sighed, rubbing his temple with his free hand. With the influx of new cadets, things have been absolutely mad. Sephiroth locked himself in his office, refusing the help of his subordinates and probably imagining the cruel deaths of the Shinra Executives. Meanwhile, his co-Commander, Genesis Rhapsodos, seemed more distant than ever. The redhead's face buried ever-so-deeply in his book. At least the man finished his work before reading the play and for that, Angeal was grateful. He didn't know how much more work he could handle. Between his ever increasing stack of paperwork, the lessons he gave to the lower ranked SOLDIERs and training with his apprentice, Zachary Fair, he barely had time left to eat or sleep. The last thing he'd have time to do was babysit the General and his co-Commander. He wondered when the last time was the two had eaten, slept or even showered. He scrunched up his nose at the thought.

"Let me guess," Valon said when the raven-haired Commander had been silent in thought. "You're drowning in work, Sephiroth is being an egg and Genesis is even more of an ass than usual." It wasn't a question, she stated it as a fact.

"I thought you said we were done talking about buttocks." Angeal joked, but continued before the Lieutenant could retort. "But yes, you hit the nail on the head."

Valon sighed. Even though he couldn't see her, Angeal could perfectly imagine her look of frustration. Her eyes slightly narrowed, gaze nearly matching the Silver General's icy cold expression. Any lesser a man would crumble under the weight of this expression, but Angeal was too used to it to even notice.

"The boys can barely survive a week without Mama Val, it seems." she complained. Even though she was genuinely irritated, she couldn't refrain herself from joking. "But I've got good news. I'll be home soon."

Angeal perked up a little, that was good news indeed. It wasn't unusual for one of them to be away from home for a long time. Usually more than one of them was on a mission, leaving only one or two back at the Shinra headquarters. The missions the Firsts were assigned to also tended to last longer than the week Valon had been gone, but with the new cadets coming in their work had quadrupled and that one short week would feel like two months. He couldn't be more thankful for her early return.

"When will you leave?"

"Scarlet wants to leave early in the morning, so if all goes well, we'll be home before the ceremony. Oh, Angeal?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't tell Seph yet, I want to surprise him."

"Sure thing." he grinned mischievously. The Silver General despised surprises.