"Do I have to go?" Leonard groaned, as he and the gang began the laborious crawl down the stairs. "It's not like she ever pays me any attention. Couldn't you just inflate one of Howard's dummy girls and put her in my spot?"
"Hey!" exclaimed Howard. "I've been humiliated enough by Her Evilness. I don't need extra help!"
"Well, it could help prove to her that you and Raj are not in an ersatz homosexual relationship," Sheldon interjected from the back of the line.
"Oh, that's so sweet!" exclaimed Penny, turning to face a dumbstruck Raj. "I knew I wasn't the only one who – what does ersatz mean?"
"Oh, Penny, Penny!" exclaimed Sheldon, a look of pitying mortification coming over his face. "I really will have to get you a dictionary and I'm not sure it can wait until Christmas!"
oo0oo
"Where is she?" Leonard asked thin air as he glanced around the Cheesecake Factory. "She usually takes a place near the front of any café she's in."
"Why – is she trying to deter costumers?" Howard asked drily.
"There she is!" announced Penny, pointing and cutting off Sheldon's instinctive leap to Beverly's defence.
"No, that can't be her," said Leonard.
"That dress is too blue," Howard.
"Her hair's too loose," said Penny.
"She looks … happy," Raj choked out.
"What's happened to her?" Sheldon whispered, fear spreading over his face.
"There, there, sweetie, I'm sure it's just a nightmare," Penny soothed.
They were all right. The woman who appeared to be Beverly was seated at the back of the café in an attractively cut blue dress with blonde hair falling in a loose bob down to her shoulders. As they watched, she was fiddling around with her phone and smiled at something she read there. It was actually a happy smile, not a smug smirk that Beverly sometimes wore. Everything - the smile, the dress, the hair - took years off her.
"She actually looks pretty fine," Howard noted, a slight smirk playing across his face.
"You have a right to shiver in disgust, chief," Raj told Leonard, who was still staring across the café, jaw opened wider than a black hole.
"Let's go over and say hello," Penny suggested, taking the first step. Then, seeing that Leonard was still frozen in awe, "Sweetie, you have to move your feet."
oo0oo
Diane had experienced many strange things in her life, but this had got to be one of the strangest. No … she'd worked with David Lee, she'd seen stranger things. Well, it made it into the top ten at any rate.
Four young men and one woman all dragged chairs up to her table and sat down, as if they walked up to strangers' tables every day. Diane, who had been exchanging texts with Kurt, slowly laid her phone face down on the table and stared at them. They all stared back at her.
Finally, she cleared her throat and said in her most polite voice, "Can I help you?"
"Yes," said the tall, lean young man, "you can tell us what on earth you meant by getting red glasses. They look nicer on you and I don't like it."
The young woman piped up instantly, giving him a small shove. "Sheldon! Be polite!" Then, turning back to Diane, "I think what Sheldon meant to say," – she shot him a warning look – "is that you –"
"Are looking unusually fetching tonight," put in the shortest man.
Diane was not given to impoliteness, especially to people she had just met, but there was something about that smile that made her skin crawl. "You, my dear boy, had better hope that your mother never hears you use that tone of voice," she said.
Apparently she had struck a nerve, for the Indian man snorted slightly, resulting in him getting a shove from his shorter companion.
Finally, the one young man who had not spoken, or at least made a noise, spoke. "Mother," he said, "are you sure you're alright. You're acting very strangely."
"I beg your pardon?" she asked.
"Well, look at you," he said. "You're actually wearing something colourful. You changed your glasses colour – which you never do. You've managed to go five minutes without knocking my esteem down five blocks."
"I'm extremely sorry, young man," said Diane, "but I have no clue who you are."
His eyes widened in shock. "But … how can you not? I'm … I'm your son … how can you …?"
"Leonard," said the tall man, Sheldon as she recalled, "it was bound to happen sometime."
"What was bound to happen?" the girl asked. Then, to Diane, "How can you not remember him?"
"Well if I've never seen him before –" Diane began.
"I can understand perfectly, Doctor," said Sheldon. "I know if my child's dabblings in physics were as childish as his, I would want to put as much distance between him and me as I possibly could."
"I hate to shatter your bubble, young man," said Diane, "but I don't know who you are either."
Sheldon's jaw dropped, his eyes widened and something that sounded like the groan of a dying animal emanated from his lips. The young girl instantly leapt in on his behalf. "But you must," she said, "you kissed him once."
Diane, who had been taking a much needed sip of her martini, almost choked. When she had eventually recovered from a bout of coughing, she said, "And just how drunk was I?"
Apparently not detecting her sarcasm, Sheldon said, "Very, actually. You even hugged him." He pointed at her apparent son.
"Oh, the horror," she said, the sentence ladled with sarcasm.
"I know," said Sheldon. "See, she's coming round, Leonard."
"What about us?" the short man asked, gesturing between himself and the Indian man, who had still not said a single word. "Do you remember anything about us?"
"I don't know," Diane drawled, crossing her legs and leaning back in her chair, "are you my illegitimate sons from the future?"
They stared at her in awe for a few moments before the Indian man leaned toward the short one with the Beatles haircut and whispered something in his ear. "Yes, she's round the twist," he agreed.
"Maybe something fell on her," said Leonard.
"Or they put something in the martini," said Sheldon.
"Wait! You don't drink!" exclaimed Leonard.
"Seeing what happened the last time you did, I wouldn't repeat it either," said the girl. Then she said, "And what about me? I'm Penny. D'you remember me?"
"I'm sorry my dear," said Diane. "The only Penny I ever knew was my brother's hamster."
"But you told me you were a single child!" Leonard exclaimed.
"Shut up, Leonard!" said Penny. Turning to Diane she continued, "You're sure? I'm the one who shook your hand the first time I met you. I asked you about Leonard when he was little and you told me how he spent a load of his time –"
"Never mind!" exclaimed Leonard. "If she's forgotten that it's good! It's great! It's a blessing from …"
oo0oo
While Leonard strove to find a suitable replacement for 'God' or 'Heaven' to use, one of the waitresses came up deposited two drinks in front of Beverly. "A scotch and a martini, complements of the gentlemen at the bar," she said, pointing to indicate the two previously mentioned men.
Beverly rose to look, along with the whole company, as Leonard whispered, "But she never gets free drinks. Never!"
The two indicated gentlemen were both seated at the bar along with another younger, attractive woman with long brown hair, waving at Leonard's mother. The one man was younger and clean-shaven with a broad grin on his face while the other was older, dressed in a plaid shirt and jeans with a moustache and hair that was just a little too long.
With a murmur of, "Thank god!" Beverly made a 'come here' motion with her hand. The trio obliged, the young man putting his arm around the younger woman's waist.
"I thought the idea was a double date, dear," said the man in plaid. "Not … whatever this is."
The younger man grinned and said, "Diane, I thought we agreed on not bringing the harem with you."
"William Gardner!" exclaimed Diane, giving him a shove in the arm. Then, as the man with the moustache chuckled quietly to himself, "And you! Stop laughing! Some great husband you are!"
"You got married!" exclaimed Leonard.
"Without telling me!" exclaimed Sheldon.
"Hang on! Hang on!" Penny laid a hand on Leonard's shoulder to calm him down and turned to the woman again. "Diane?" she asked, holding out her other hand for a rather belated handshake.
"Yes," the woman agreed, shaking her hand, "Diane Lockhart."
"Top litigator in Chicago," Kurt put in.
"Hey!" exclaimed Will. "What about me?"
"Don't be offended," Alicia said, smiling. "It's just flattery."
"Ah," said Will. Turning to Kurt he said, "You're a wise man."
"Thank you," said Kurt and then winced when his wife kicked him from under the table. Curse her love for high heels.
"So …" said Leonard, putting the puzzle pieces together, "the reason you aren't acting like my mother is because you aren't my mother."
"Exactly," said Diane.
"Oh," said the company at once.
"Well, in that case," said Penny, grabbing Leonard by one arm and Sheldon by another, "we'll leave you to get on with your double date. Enjoy!"
"What was that about?" Kurt asked, sitting down beside Diane and giving her a kiss.
"I'm not quite sure," said Diane, forgiving him for his earlier indiscretions.
"Well whatever it was, I certainly feel sorry for the poor boy," said Alicia.
"I know," said Diane, watching as the group reseated themselves near the front of the café near a woman who did indeed look extremely like her except for her dark attire, severe expression and tight hairstyle. Then, watching as the Leonard's expression fell rapidly, "Kurt, would you be a dear and bring some of the chairs from the other tables. We're going to have company."
"But mooom," began Will, in a purposefully childish whine.
"Will!" said Diane, switching instantly into firm lawyer mode. "You have to learn to play nicely with other children!"
"You should have been a mother," chuckled Kurt, giving her an affectionate squeeze.
"Maybe, maybe not," said Diane, getting to her feet and setting off towards the group at the other end of the café.
oo0oo
"Excuse me."
Beverly's lecture on Leonard's stunted mental growth was cut short by her twin appearing by their table. "I'm incredibly sorry," Diane said, the very image of politeness and professionality, "but I need to speak with Doctor Hofstadter on a very important scientific breakthrough of his."
"Really?" Leonard asked, relief flooding his face.
"Of course," said Diane, thinking that she could risk poking the bear a little more. "Such scientific genius as you have exhibited cannot go unpraised."
"Can I come too?" Penny begged, giving Diane her best puppy eyes.
"Of course," said Diane. How could she resist a look like that?
Raj raised a plaintive hand. "You too," Diane sighed. So much for a quiet, enjoyable double date with her husband and two best friends.
"Me?" Howard asked, putting on his most seductive smirk.
"Not in a thousand light years," Diane told him grimly. "Come on, Doctor Hofstadter."
As they sat down together at the altogether more crowded table, Leonard said, "Are you sure you won't be my mother?"
I own nothing but obsessions with multiple shows, movies and books and this laptop. And I just realised that I'm the first person to come up with this crossover fic. Yes! Hope you enjoy it. I love both Beverly and Diane, though I know which I would prefer to be stuck in a broken elevator with. :)