Title: Five Things Ronon Doesn't Understand (And Probably Never Will)
Genre: Gen, slight angst
Rating: PG, at most.
Word Count: 756
Summary: Some days are harder than others.
Warnings/Disclaimers: Spoilers, only if you haven't seen 5x01. Parings all over the place, but nothing explicit, and angsty!Ronon. I own nothing. :(
1.
Ronon doesn't ask, because he figures Sheppard won't tell. He doesn't ask, but mostly because he sees, instead. Everyone sees; this is what Ronon bets Sheppard and McKay don't realize. They're not the only ones who know but Don't Tell. Ronon understands that, to many of the people on Earth, the way Sheppard looks at McKay is taboo. They are not the only ones, though. Atlantis is not Earth. Sheppard, Ronon thinks, ought to know this more than any of them.
"It's complicated, for them, at least," Lorne had said, eyebrows furrowed. Teyla had told him it was best he kept to himself. When Sheppard and McKay were ready, they'd figure it out on their own. Sometimes Ronon wants to grab Sheppard by the collar and shake him. This is Atlantis. This is Atlantis. You are accepted here. You are loved.
Ronon doesn't ask, because Sheppard is afraid enough.
2.
"They're called tampons," Jennifer explains, giggling when she finds him worriedly holding a box labeled 'JUMBO'.
3.
Some days are harder than others. When he's alone, Ronon pretends not to think of Sateda. When he does, he tries to focus on something else; carving, fighting, Jennifer. But it happens anyway. Sateda makes him think of military, of companionship, honor, pride. Kell. Military reminds him of Kell, and thinking about Kell makes Ronon choke on empty air. Anger makes his palms itch, his eyes sting, his stomach clench. He feels like running until his lungs burn, until his legs give out and he finally leaves the ground.
On these days, he tends to stay out of everyone's way (though it's likely the other way around). Sheppard understands, has had his own failures to dwell on. So does McKay, but McKay doesn't really talk to him, anyway. Teyla just seems to know, Torren a convenient excuse.
Ronon doesn't see the gain in Kell's actions. How does hiding behind skirts portray Satedan pride? Kell was a coward. Not all of the deaths were the Wraith's doing.
When Ronon thinks of Sateda, he thinks, This is not what I will become.
4.
On Sateda, keeping quiet didn't always mean you didn't know the answer. More than likely it meant you knew it, had it right, but knew better than to say it. On Atlantis, it's different. Ronon recognizes that he is surrounded by brilliant people (reminded specifically of and by McKay), and it's hard to keep from thinking they all look down on him. He takes pride in the fact that he can read English, pin a man to the ground in two seconds flat, and beat Zelenka at chess, if he pays attention long enough and cheats a little. He is capable, but because he is literally an alien among these brilliant people, he keeps quiet.
"I can't stand it. I'm not stupid," Ronon grunts, stepping backwards to avoid one of Teyla's sticks. He chooses to confide in her, because Teyla will never tell him what she guesses he wants to hear.
"If you know you are not," she replies, "then I see no reason to dwell on the assumed opinions of others." Smiling, Teyla raises herself from a crouch. "Each person on Atlantis has valuable skills we cannot do without, Ronon. You, included." Teyla may not say what Ronon wants to hear, but she always says what he needs to.
He smiles back.
5.
He would never admit it to Teyla's face, but Ronon thinks Kanaan is so wrong for her. He will never forget Kanaan and Michael. But he sees that Kanaan makes Teyla happy, so he lets it go. He forgives Kanaan, mostly, because he takes care of Torren, supports Teyla, and doesn't force her to choose between them and her team.
Ronon wants to like Kanaan, really. He's a nice guy (too nice, maybe. Ronon thinks Teyla needs conflict, not always comfort.), and it would please Teyla if they got along. He just doesn't get Teyla's reasons for picking Kanaan over him. There is still a hopeful part of Ronon, the part that wonders if Teyla really is making the right decision. He has an irrational fear that she will become complacent, eventually settle and have more children and leave the team behind. Leave him behind. Jennifer had smacked the back of his head when he told her this.
"You know Teyla better than that," she had whispered, curling her ankle over his. "I know Teyla better than that." They laughed quietly, exchanging secrets in the dark.
Ronon is glad he has Jennifer, but he will always love Teyla.