A/N:
Hello! I know I'm late with AF and it is coming but there's just been so much canon angst that I was being blocked by it and this is just the ejection of all that! I gave myself literally an hour for the plot, it was very cathartic and even kinda fun like free writing. And then I spent some lovely time collecting quotes :) with thanks to two gorgeous people.
About this fic:
I wrote about half of this fic, the other half (the stuff that's in speech marks followed by the name of the character who said it) is the property of the show. They're most of my favourite quotes.
This is like really hardcore darkness, I would say angst but I think that's too good a word. I wouldn't advice reading it if you've come out of the darkness already – you have been warned.
It's basically Ste in his life now (though I hope he's not as angry as this!) The main bits are his thoughts in like a conversation to Brendan, and the bits in italic are like a narration. It's a one shot – dear god it's a one shot!
It's a Stendan fic, goes without saying, but it mentions like everybody associated with Ste - all his lovers.
Warning:
Angst, angst, angst.
M for adult themes including sex and drugs.
If you do read please let me know what you think, reviews really really mean a lot :D I'm sorry it's so awful!
Take it away, Ste:
"Last night when I was in the hotel room…alone…all I kept thinking all these, all these games, all these, these lies you know, I'm done with it, I'm exhausted, you know. The lone for the deli it was all for you; it was all to get you back into my life. Yeah the control, the power, that's all I've ever known, but that's the old me. I'm not looking for an answer now I'm not, I just want you to know that I'm starting over and you and me it's - I'd really like you to be with me, Steven." (Brendan Brady, 6/6/2012.)
George was a mistake, a really, really bad one. I don't think I even properly knew what I was doing when I did it, I really don't know how I missed he was a virgin. I guess I just wasn't there, not with him, not really. He could have been anybody. That's what you've done to me – I have sex like you now. We're exactly the same. OK I'll say it - if it had been Doug who'd taken me home I would have fucked him instead, there. Even after everything I would have gone straight back to Doug. How does that make you feel? Are you jealous? Like you were never ought more than just a block in our love - do you feel like the third wheel he always did? Do you even know how much pain we caused him? Do you even care?
It's two oclock in the afternoon. The bar is noisy and crowded and malodorous. Outside and in, there's a wrench of old sweat and yesterday's alcohol and stale piss. And the toilets stink of sex.
"You deserve Douglas cos he's the complete and utter opposite of me." (Brendan Brady, 30/10/2012.)
So yeah I fucked George, but I would have fucked Doug, or JP, or even fucking Darren - that night I would have fucked anybody. Just like I will tonight and will tomorrow and the next day and every fucking day for the rest of my life, right. Cos it's not really fucking innit? This thing we do. It's not about the sex, it's the climax, about the release, and the break. So I will keep fucking anything, cos one day there will be one who doesn't taste like you, and doesn't sound like you, and doesn't fucking look like you… They all fucking look like you. Even if they're five foot nothing and blonde. They're all you. Do you even care? It's been a week and there's been fourteen dicks so far, or is it fifteen? I'm not sure, I lost count. Care yet?
Ste's at the bar dressed in yesterday's clothes, or was it last weeks? He can't remember when he last changed, or washed. He can't remember when he last went home, he's not sure he knows where that is anymore.
"Maybe in the next life you'll get a better me, one that deserves you." (Brendan Brady, 19/03/2013).
There were a few last night, didn't want to leave it on thirteen did I? Don't need any more bad luck – cos that's all you bought me, bad luck and bad heart and bad skin and bad broken fucking ribs. Yeah OK so you were right, I never forgot about it, course I fucking didn't. It was still you wasn't it – still the bloke who broke me, and no it wasn't a surprise when you did it again cos what you never understood about me Brendan is I know you. I know when you're masking it and I know when you're lying and I know you never really loved me. Not in the way I loved you. And it's not really your fault cos you can't love can you, when you're as damaged as you are. You can't care…can you? Do you?
Jason is fifty, this is his local. He spends all his day here, drinking away the sick money. He sees the young brunette drinking whiskey at the bar as soon as he arrives. He hasn't seen him before but he looks like he knows how this is going to work. The new barman also knows how this is going to work – he puts another whiskey in front of Ste, paid for by Jason.
"Intimacy a warm body next to yours, y'know, what else is life about? But that's who I am innit, always looking around the next corner over the horizon for something better and sometimes what you're really looking for is standing right in front of you." (Brendan Brady, 24/10/2012)
So that's what my life's been like, thought I'd fill you in, you know long time no chat and all that. What you been up to? Got lucky yet? Got some fit cocks? I hope you do cos I'm so fucking tired of being jealous of metal bars. Jails gotta be like a fucking picnic for you innit? Bet you're dead excited, all those dried up cocks with no action but their right hands for ages. Cos that's what proper turns you on innit? Like proper more than that stupid scally fetish, that's what you go for - desperation. That's what turned you onto me the first time. I remember I was sat there, on your couch, and drink had made my tongue proper loose right, and I was saying I hadn't felt up for it forever - so you decided to take me. And I wish that I wish that never happened, I wish I could wish I never met you. Cos I might be happy now mightn't I? With Doug in America, or even with fucking Noah in Liverpool. I might actually be happy. I might have proper had a good future, and not just these fucking dreams, of you and me and our kids. Incredible dreams of the only man I've ever loved. And they say you can't miss what you never had but it's not true, cos I do, I proper do. Do you? Do you care?
Ste doesn't really need any words, so it's just looks that communicate: "thanks", and "my pleasure" and "toilet?" And "Now." Ste doesn't really want to kiss and Jason knows that but he forces it anyway, he's in control of this. His breath reeks like death but Ste's not alive anymore.
"It's a leap of faith, if you find something that you want no matter how scared you are you've gotta have faith that it's gonna work out, that you aint gonna end up in flames." (Brendan Brady, 12/11/2012.)
I had dreams do you know that? I used to have actual dreams, of holidays and birthdays and a fucking wedding. Yeah, there was a moment back then when I thought you might actually marry me. I know right – it's fucking hilarious! I made you this ring out of bread right, you're pissing yourself aren't you? But you said that it wouldn't be so bad if we were an old married couple, and you said I made you feel calm. And I thought I could see love in your eyes, you know that true love that you'd do anything for and do anything to keep. Course I couldn't – not really. I can almost hear you're response to all this now, What did you expect Steven, that we were gonna make you a dress out of tin foil and an aisle by the counter? Because you never really cared about my dreams did you?
The music's loud in the cubicles probably to cover up the noise of sex, but Ste knows someone's getting fucked in the cubical next to theirs. The light's are dimmed low in some managerial attempt to stop the drug taking, but the lines on the toilet are obvious.
"I have changed you know. You, me, Leah, Lucas, we're going to be a proper family and I'm going to give you the future you deserve." (Brendan Brady 22/2/2013.)
What do you dream? If you could do one thing out here what would it be? Would it even have me? Maybe it'd have Macca instead, or maybe even that Vinnie?No I know, I do know, even in this state I know you proper loved me like no-one before, with all the heart you have left. But maybe you would want to be alone, if you came out for a day. I never knew really, especially at the end, whether what you proper wanted was to be alone. Right, like I was just something you picked up on the bottom of your shoe by mistake but thought it was too cute to kick off. Was it like that? Was there ever a time you cared enough to dream?
Jason sets up a line on the back of the toilet systern, he can't remember the last time he fucked dry, and he knows this is going to be a good night. The young things got too much of a cute fucking tight arse for it not to be good.
Ste doesn't go anywhere near drugs these days, they wrecked too much of his life before. But nor does he sit around drinking in bars like an alcoholic, or fucking strangers a dozen a night. The cokes a funny color, and it's gritty not oily between the fingers. But he's too drunk, or too tired, or too fucking dead, to care. He wants it too. He's not Ste Hay anymore, he's permanently scarred as Brendan's Steven.
"Every day till I'm in my grave you will always be in my head Steven. You don't believe what I'm promising you then go, you know where the door is – go." (Brendan Brady, 29/07/2011).
I wish you died, do you know that? I wish you'd died - that's gotta be the worse thing I ever said to you. But if you died at least I could be fucking sad. That'd be my right don't you think? As you're boyfriend or lover, gay lover, or whatever it is you want to call me – I could be sad. But you've taken that away from me, with this bloody stupid choice. All you've left me with is angry and dead. I can't sleep now. Right, I don't remember the last time I woke up, because I don't know this existence. This reality without you, this life without you, this darkness without you. So I snort the coke with him, yeah taking drugs now, the hard stuff this time, probably got some fucking shit in it that's going to mess with my brain like Walker's bloody brother. Maybe though if I pump my body full of drugs I could pump you out, and maybe that might make you care.
Ste's eyes are stinging and his heads buzzing. But before he has time to cool, Jason thrusts his head against the bowel, pulls his legs out and shoves his trousers down. It hasn't been like this before. Ste's one night stands have been lustful but embarrassed and full of I've never done this before's. But Ste reckons that's probably too good for him now, on his fifteenth or sixteenth fuck, and he wants to be wrecked by this old stranger.
"The things I love I break them, he killed that. He killed that love inside of me and I can't get it back I can't get it back without you. You make me understand, you make me believe the world could be good again. And I can't do this without you." (Brendan Brady, 14/03/2013).
He has me over the toilet bowel and I'm not even sure if he's wearing a rubber, but that's not important no more is it? Not now. You're not here to care anymore are you? Do you remember our first time? Not that first time but our first time without. You actually got tested for me, I never thought you actually would, even the morning before you went. I remember it - you were proper grumpy that morning. I took the day off but I knew you didn't want me to go with you so I made up a load of housework jobs that needing doing. And I knew as soon as you came back home, without you saying anything that you were clear and we were good and I proper jumped on you… And you laughed and told me that maybe we should wait till we booked a hotel, or till we didn't have to go and pick up the kids in an hour's time and I said, we could, or we could just do it, have a forever for the rest of that shit don't we? And I just want you. I said we have a forever. Go on – laugh... We were late for the kids that afternoon. You knew I didn't with Noah, but what you didn't know is I didn't with Doug neither, I mean I barebacked him, but not the other way, I didn't want him to. I didn't tell you right but it was a first for me, too. I thought it meant something, like love and belonging and all that fucking shit. But it proper never did, did it? I never want to be fooled like that again right so I bloody hope he's got something he can give me. And I hope I'm being barebacked by a diseased stranger, cos that's the easiest way innit?! And you're not here to care are you?
The boy looks kinda innocent like this and Jason wants to ruin him. Spit is used instead of lube, and Jason doesn't stop to ask for certainty. His breath is warm and reeks as he pants over Ste's back. Jason just drives home, hard. Ste doesn't even bother to pleasure himself, can't feel anything apart from that fucking dirty shit travelling through his nasal passage and Jason's cock pumping what Ste hopes is disease.
"You have changed everything Steven, EVERYTHING." (Brendan Brady, 21/03/2013.)
And I'm crying now, proper but he either don't see or don't care to see and he's still fucking me. And with every tear I miss you. I will love you every fucking day for the rest of my life. The life you wrecked. Cos that's unconditional love Brendan, and that's what I feel for you. And no matter what you say it's not what you feel for me, no matter how many bullets you take or tests you go through. Because if you loved me anywhere near as much as I loved you, you wouldn't leave me here, like this and you'd come and save me from this, from myself. I don't know what I can do without you – I feel like I'm in a storm and I'm drowning and that's what this is all about - these alcohol and drugs and sex. What they're about right is trying to find a way back to land, to fucking normality. I'm not sure I proper want that though, not without you. There is nothing that I want, not without you. So I will ask you one last time, one last time to last a life time.
Do You Care?
"Do you even know what love is? Because I don't think you do. Otherwise, you wouldn't walk into my life, let me fall in love with you and then leave. It's not fair, it's not fair." (Steven Hay, 21/03/2013).
"I'm not leavin cos of you, I'm leavin for me. Steven, there is nothing you can do that'll make me stop loving you, nothing. You know I do love you, very much." (Brendan Brady, 28/02/2013)
"I lost him, lying in that hospital bed , helpless. And I just kept praying over and over and I made a pact that if he pulled through I'd stay away, forever. I asked Chez and God answered. But Steven he just he wouldn't let it go, he kept saying we could be together and I wanted to, I wanted to so bad, I didn't know how else to stop him, he had to hate me. He had to." (Brendan Brady, 10/12/2012).
"You beat every last shred of self-respect out of me till I didn't know who I was anymore, do you know how long it takes to get over that? I started to wonder if that day was ever going to come but turns out it's today. Like I said, this is a love letter, it's not to you. The Deli's gone and you're never gonna get it back, and that goes double for me." (Steven Hay, 8/06/2012)
"I can't see straight when I'm with him, but I can't see anything when I'm not. I want to kiss him, but I want to kill him." (Steven Hay, 1/08/2011)
"Some people are meant to be together, you know the type. Determined to stick it out despite the irritations. Whatever it takes, nothing's going to stop them from staying close, like it was always meant to be. When they're apart life can feel like hell, but that's the thing about these people – they know what they're going back and they know that's closer to heaven." (Brendan Brady, 29/07/2011)
"Did you just, did you just kiss me? What do you think you're doing?"
"I just, I'm sorry"
"Go – Now! Go!" (Brendan Brady and Steven Hay, 19/08/2010)
The End.