They said writing it down might help. I don't see how, but how much worse could it get? May as well try.
I don't know if this is a diary or a letter or just you, somewhere, somehow reading what I'm writing, and at this point I can't say I care.
It should go without saying that I miss you so damn much. They all do too, but they didn't lose what I did. I know it wasn't your fault, but I can't help wishing there was something you could've done to stop this.
I know I shouldn't be blaming you, it's not like you wanted this. You better not've wanted this.
I can't go in our room anymore, it's not right. I haven't been in the shop, either, and going back to the Burrow's definitely out of the question. I spend most of the time in Muggle London, where I can only hope you don't follow me, because I just can't deal with it anymore. It's not like I'm trying to get rid of you, but I can't be around you anymore, not after you left me.
I can't even go back and help them rebuild. I can't bring myself to return anywhere that reminds me of you, and it's so damn hard to avoid it. I don't even know if I want to avoid it, but what choice do I have? I can't keep being reminded of you, it's killing me. I can't go back to Hogwarts anymore, I just can't do it. There's seven years' worth of memories there, not to mention the big bloody lake. It taunts me, Fred, I have nightmares about the lake. If I go anywhere near it, you know I'd end up with you again, but I still don't know if that would soften any of this damn grief.
I don't want to let it go. They've all had a hard enough time already, I couldn't do that to them. Mum and Dad are broken, they cry when they see my face, because it's not my face, is it?
I smashed all my mirrors. I'd take seven years of bad luck over another lifetime of seeing you, but not seeing you.
I know it's important for me to keep going, that's why I've been trying so hard to keep my mind off you. That's why I held off on writing something like this for so long, but they all said it'd help. I don't know how they expect pulling me further into this to help me, but I can tell you right now, it's not helping.
I'd face the unknown to be reunited with you, Freddy. It hurts me to write your name here, like if I don't, this could be about anyone, but it's not. It's not. It's about you, and I don't want to have to write another letter.
I'm coming. Soon. I'll be with you, Freddy. I can't stay away.
x
For the Journey Through Hogwarts Challenge (Diagon Alley, a. Amanuensis Quills – write a journal fic including the prompts important, lake, and unknown). Also for the Represent that Character Challenge.