Bob the Couch Potato

Can we fix it?

Bob the Couch Potato

Uh, just a minute

Chips and some soda, some TV too

Watching some shows instead of fixing with the crew

Pilchard, get down, go play with Spud

I'm busy watching Full House like lazy men do

Bob the Couch Potato

Can we fix it?

Bob the Couch Potato

Uh, maybe tonight

Time to get busy, such a lot to do

But I really can't, so away with you

I'm busy right now, I'm having fun

After I finish this pizza, we can get the job done

Can we build it?

Well...

Can we fix it?

Uhh...

Bob the Couch Potato

Can we fix it?

Bob the Couch Potato

NO, WE CAN'T! I'M TOO LAZY! DO IT THE FUCK YOURSELF!

121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121

Bob turned on the old cathode ray tube television he hadn't bother to replace yet, and sat in his armchair. Nowadays, all that was on were reruns of crappy old sitcoms such as Seinfeld, ALF, and The Golden Girls. They weren't that entertaining, but he watched them anyway, since they were the only things on, usually. As he watched, he ate some sour cream and onion chips and sipped some Mr. Pibb with a blank expression on his face. He yawned and stretched. He really didn't feel like doing anything. "Yep, this is the life."

121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121

Wendy turned onto her street after one of the most hectic shopping trips ever, which involved looking for 15 minutes for moose tracks ice cream when it was actually right in plain sight, an idiot cashier who kept punching in the total wrong, and a hillbilly ass-raping her in the parking lot. She shook her head, trying to block out the scene at the parking lot as the entrance to the construction yard came into view. She pulled in, and found the vehicles talking to each other.

"Where's Bob?" griped Scoop.

"Yeah!" agreed Roley. Everyone started to speak simultaneously. Wendy shut off the car and walked over to them.

"What's going on here?" asked Wendy over the commotion.

"Bob isn't out here yet!" complained Muck. "He said we would be at Farmer Pickles' house by 2:00 PM to fix the hole in his roof!"

Dizzy glanced at the clock tower to read the time. "And it's past 2 already!" she moaned.

"He told me he was going inside to fetch his toolbox! He should have gotten it by now!" Lofty added. "Uh, I think he should have gotten it by now..."

"Hm," Wendy said. "I'm going inside to see what's going on." And with that, she got the groceries out of the trunk and opened the door to the house she shared with Bob.

"Booo-ooob!" she called. "I'm back with the groceriiiies!"

Bob looked rather startled when she came in carrying the groceries. The first thing that Wendy noticed was the insane amount of food in the living room. Empty chip bags, pizza boxes, and cans and bottles filled the wastebasket and then littered the floor. Her floor. Whatever food Bob hadn't eaten was on the coffee table, completely covering it.

Bob was in the recliner, still in his pajamas, and with a blank expression on his face. Wendy noticed the 5:00 shadow he had also. He was stuffing himself with a Meatball Marinara from Subway that had lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, and honey mustard on it as well. As a result, the sandwich barely closed and the fillings barely stayed inside.

"Bob... what are you doing?" the female construction worker asked playfully, slowly approaching Bob. As she got closer, she noticed his slightly distended belly. "Yeah, you've been putting on a few pounds, haven't you?"

"Yeah, I guess," sighed Bob. "Could you please move out of the way? I'm trying to watch my Hogan's Heroes."

"Bob, could you please help us? Farmer Pickles' roof has a hole in it and needs repairing. Do you not even know what time it is?" Wendy continued.

"Leave me alone, Wendy," Bob growled as the Bing Crosby Productions logo appeared. "Now look what you've done! You made me miss the end of the episode!"

"Bob, it's 2:30. You need to turn the TV off. I thought you were going to get your toolbox."

"Yeah, yeah, just let me finish this sandwich, OK?" he insisted. "I'll get dressed as soon as I'm finished with it, I promise."

Wendy watched Bob finish the sandwich. After that, he polished off the rest of the chips and downed the remainder of the Mr. Pibb.

"Bob..." reminded Wendy.

"Please, just let me finish this episode of Adam-12," pleaded Bob.

Wendy sighed.

121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121

Two hours later, the toolbox was still in Bob's room, Farmer Pickles' roof still had a huge hole in it, and Bob remained in the armchair. Finally, Wendy decided she'd had enough and switched off the TV. "Bob, you need to fix Farmer Pickles' roof now," she said, a little pissed off. "It's going to be storming tonight, and if the roof isn't fixed by the time it starts pouring, the house'll be flooded by the rain."

"Ah, phooey on him," scoffed Bob, "I ain't fixing a roof for that imbecile we call Pickles! Go do it yourself, I have more important things to do with my time than fix a roof for an asshole who doesn't know how to do it himself."

Wendy finally lost her temper. "That's it, Bob! I have had enough of you, and the time has definitely come for me to put my foot down!" she shouted. "Okay. If you don't get out of that chair by the count of ten, the Hypno Slaves will come to get you!" Wendy hoped that this would convince Bob to get out of the chair and do some work for a change...

"Who the hell are the Hypno Slaves? Stop being so pissed off and leave me alone!"

...but it didn't.

So, Wendy started counting.

"One... two... three... four... five... six..."

Bob didn't know what would happen once Wendy reached ten, but decided it would be better not to find out. He reached for the handgun that he kept behind the chair cushion, and aimed it at Wendy.

"...seven... eight..." Wendy continued counting; since her eyes were shut as she did so, she didn't see Bob pull a gun and aim it at her.

Bob put his finger on the trigger...

"...nine... tAAAAAAHHHHH!" Suddenly, there was a loud bang and Wendy felt something penetrate her in the head, and then in the heart. She screamed as she dropped to the floor, the blood from her wounds spilling onto the carpet and staining it red. Her breathing ceased and her heart stopped beating, but Bob wasn't doing CPR on her.

Wendy died.

"Well, that takes care of the little bitch," Bob muttered as he got up, turned the television back on, and got comfortable in his seat again. He opened up a bag of oatmeal cookies and devoured them, then relaxed and dozed off, as the rain began to fall outside.

121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121 21 121

So, how did you like this first chapter? Did you burst out laughing? Did you just have a blank expression like Bob? Or did you hate this so much that you screamed bloody murder, ripped all your hair out and destroyed the computer?! Whatever your reaction was, tell me in your reviews! If you don't, the Hypno Slaves might come to get you too! But even if you didn't review, thanks for reading! I hope to post a new chapter very soon.