A/N: There's been quite a lot of HashiMada stories around the site but almost no TobiMada ones... well, here you go folks! This is my first attempt at Yaoi so bear with me :) Though it could be interpreted as... friendship? If thats a possible thing between the two XD
Regardless, here I present my version of delirious!Madara / dutiful!Tobirama !
Revulsion
Genre: Parody/ Crack
Time: Founders era
Tobirama never trusted the Uchiha, especially Madara. He absolutely detested the way that porcupine-headed diva interacts with his brother, how those two are simply so… intimate, almost pathologically obsessive. He shivered while recalling a disastrous 'pillow fight' between the two, which ended up demolishing half of the Hokage estate, engulfing its vicinity in terrorizing black flames and half-mutilated giant Buddha statues.
Of course, during their notorious sleepovers, Hashirama and Madara would engage in rather queer and unsettling drawing competitions. The most memorable incident being the time when the two collaborated on an illustration of a unicorn for textbooks in Konoha's newly founded academy. While his brother insisted on depicting a happy, rainbow-exhaling pony, Madara brutally sketched a fire-breathing chthonic stallion that seemed ready to lacerate those innocent pre-genin eyes that dared to peer in those 'child-friendly' publications.
To this day, that cataclysmic image continued to haunt the man.
Needless to say, at his first opportunity, Tobirama eagerly married his brother off to a meek, docile and affectionate kunoichi— nominally Mito Uzumaki, daughter of Uzushiogakure's leader. Something he'd call, a political alliance: beneficial for both the village and Hashirama. Thus marking a drastic end to his brother's unhealthily suspicious relationship with that megalomaniacal madman.
~X~
"Tobirama," Hashirama coughed to gain the younger's attention. Donned in his professional Hokage robes, he seemed virtually mature and sane. Except the older Senju's absurdly bright beam ruined the impression, deducting at least half his age. "You see, Madara—"
"No," his words were brusquely interjected by his vexed brother. "You are not ever going to have another of your ridiculous 'play dates' with your 'friend'. I forbid that."
"But that wasn't what I was going to say," Hashirama gesticulated his arms frivolously, comedic, yes that would be a most fitting description. "Plus you should really stop being such a mother hen," Hashirama does his usual pouting, "mother wouldn't be happy."
"I'm pretty sure I could recall how mother nagged me restlessly to watch over you before her death. What was it? Your overly idealistic views and stubbornly immature persona, demands a guardian to watch over you, lest it instigates even more trouble. Why, mother begged hard," Tobirama rebutted his brother flawlessly, as always.
"Will you let me get to the point," Hashirama drooped sullenly. "Anyways I'll be leaving soon, for a date with Lady Mito. We're going to Ichiraku Ramens, her favourite place; only Kami holds a plausible explanation with an Uzumaki's infatuation with ramen…" his brother shook his head mournfully.
"That's a good thing," Tobirama comments abruptly. "By any chance, is your 'friend' Madara tagging along?"
"No, no, no!" his brother does it again, gesturing his arms flippantly—an indication that Hashirama was feeling apprehensive about his next words. "Madara has a fever brother."
"And?"
"He needs a caretaker," his brother gulped.
"Yes, and I'm confident that the Uchiha have an ample supply of maids and custodians. As for medics, I'm pretty sure you could spare a couple," Tobirama remained blatantly ignorant of Hashirama's intentions. Purposefully.
"Oh but Maddie-chan could be exceptionally flimsy, he needs someone nitpicky and cautious…" his brother eyed him pleadingly.
No… Have mercy, Kami have mercy…
~X~
"What?"
That was the sole, begrudging response from Madara Uchiha, who— by the way—had his fluctuating tempers aggravated by his recently contracted fever. Naturally, none of them were pleased to encounter the other. One furious, mildly startled, the other thoroughly embarrassed.
Deeming it courteous, Hashirama had insisted Tobirama to bring along an oversized fruit basket as well as a multitude of gifts varying from as irrelevant as hair gel to newly polished kunais. Combined with the Senju's normally stoic demeanor, Tobirama looked beyond ludicrous.
"Senju, may I ask, why the fruit basket?" Madara's face was livid, either he feels humiliated by the gifts or his fever was starting to intensify. Or perhaps both. "And may I ask why you?"
Tobirama snorted, disgruntled. "Please, does it look like I'm willing to be here?"
Madara twitched his eyebrows, obstinately blocking the doorway. "Then it would be most kind of you to leave. Now, Senju."
"Alas, if I could!" The white-haired man raises his arms in frustration. "Except my brother, being my brother, refuses to let you be without a caretaker."
With that he shoved his way past Madara, into the house. Even when ill, the raven's senses are still sharp as a bloody shuriken and naturally he grabbed Tobirama's arm, attempting to yank him back.
"It won't be you! I may be feverous but that does not make me an idiot! You killed Izuna! You're using this as an opportunity to assassinate me! Damn you!" Madara screeched on top of his voice and issued a trail of obscenities, forcing Tobirama to hinder his income of sounds via covering his ears.
Hashirama, after this. I'll ensure that your office is packed with paperwork… Lots and lots of it. He mutters this in his head.
"You son of a b*tch! You bloodsucking Senju! You d*ckless piece of—ACHOO!" Without warning, Madara sneezed straight onto Tobirama's face, showering it in muck, grime and sticky, repulsive snot.
Great… a cold as well.
"You little sh*t, you—ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO!" Madara's complaining voice was engulfed in fitful of sneezes; Tobirama could only stand by, observing the Uchiha idly, albeit with surreptitious delight. After all, those two made it no secret: their abhorrence for each other. "Now its all your fault! You've made me catch a cold as well!"
Thereafter, in a flagrantly dramatic manner, Madara strolled his way across the living room, swishing his ridiculously lengthy hair, continuing to cough and sneeze, occasionally permitting a few obscenities when speech was made able.
Needless to point out, Tobirama kept on eyeing him with amusement.
Yep that's settled, Madara Uchiha is officially delirious.
"Madara," he finally decided to interject.
"Shut up Senju!"
"Go to bed." The command was short, brisk and incontestable.
"Who do you think you are? My mother?" Madara retorted back.
"You do realize both your cold and fever would worsen," Tobirama deadpanned.
"No."
"Unfortunately, I'm your caretaker so… GET. TO. BED." This was the type of tone of voice Tobirama would use whenever Hashirama refuses to comply with his orders, however he was unsure of its effects on Madara. But more or less it should work.
"Why?"
"I believe anyone possessing an ounce of intelligence could recall what I said before," Tobirama snorted. "Your colds going get to worse, your fever too."
Madara finally acquiesced, eyeing his 'caretaker' murderously and began stumbling his way into his room.
"Hashirama was right about you being a mother hen…" he mutters under his breath resentfully.
~X~
At first sight, Tobirama is already disgusted at Madara's disarray of kunais. shurikens and battle fans, to boot, there was also half a carton of milk, judging from its putrescent odour and moldy package; it remained untouched for at least a month. Unable to suppress his discontent, he wriggled his nose and rolled his eyelids profusely.
"Disgusting," he spat. "No wonder you contracted some sort of illness, when's the last time you cleaned this place?"
He folded his arms.
"Shitty Senju, I'm not your brother, I don't give a damn about your 'motherly' scoldings and for the last time, get out of my house…" Madara's voice was already dimming.
"Uchiha, you can thrust your ludicrous notion of 'clan-pride' out of the window, at least for now. The moment you sleep would be the moment I leave, deal?"
Hearing this Madara proceeded to undress himself, starting by brutally kicking away his slippers, missing Tobirama's face by a mere inch. Thereafter, he unbuckled his belt only to realize the skeptical Senju was still eying him.
"Out of my room Senju—ACHOO! — I'm changing – ACHOO!"
"Please, does it look like I care? I'm not my brother, I won't take the sight of a shirtless man in front of me as an indication of sexual interest for the matter," Tobirama coughed indignantly.
This, predictably, provoked Madara further, "f*cking Senju, if you dare suggest that me and your brother are… intimately involved, I am sure to show up at your house in the middle of the night and skin you. Understood?"
Anyone else would have been terrified or at least remotely perturbed, except this is Tobirama we're talking about. Tobirama simply ignored the threat.
"But on the other hand," Tobirama contemplated. "I don't want my brother to find out that I've seen you half-nude, you know his logical reasoning isn't exactly the most reliable…"
"Then get out," Madara responded gruffly.
~X~
While outside, Tobirama wasted no time in preparing his ungrateful patients' medicine and by the time Madara permitted his entry—reluctantly—the first thing he did was stuff a thermometer straight into the Uchiha's mouth.
"What the hell is thi—ACHOO!" Madara prostests.
"I'm taking your temperature. Quiet."
41, the reading read and by the looks of it, the temperature is still escalating furiously.
42…
43…
44…
"Alright Madara, you're ill. Sleep," another command, only on this occasion, Madara was too exhausted to warrant an objection.
As Madara's eyelids slowly fluttered to sleep, Tobirama heaved a sigh of relief, because neglecting the fact that the Uchiha snores—profusely and thunderously—all was peace and quiet. Something Tobirama appreciated after this mayhem/disaster of an hour.
Pleased with his efforts, the Senju decided to lean against the wall and give way to a blissful, mainly undisturbed, sleep…
… Only to be awakened minutes later by a raging Madara, jostled out of his nightmares and shifting agitatedly in his bed.
By the looks of it, his fever had aggravated even further, his face was an intense livid colour and by accident, or delirium, Madara had activate his sharingan,. The way his comas spun around hysterically only served to enhance the image of a madman.
Though admitting its awkwardness, Tobirama placed a hand on Madara's forehead. Hey, caretakers needed to be responsible.
It threatened to roast him alive.
"Izuna… Izuna… there you are…" Madara uttered hazily, pointing a finger at Tobirama.
I need to do something about this, he really is getting delirious.
"Izuna! I missed you!" Madara wrapped his arms around the baffled Senju, virtually suffocating him.
An interesting misinterpretation… Tobirama snorted. For one thing Izuna was dead and he was alive. Then there was the pretty obvious difference about the hair, Izuna's was jet black and Tobirama's is, well, snowy white.
"…I…am…not…Izuna…"
"Oh Izuna! I thought you died! Hashirama's dick of a brother killed you and now he wants to kill me too! He tried to worsen my fever! Help me Izuna!"
Well, that was awkward…
Tobirama patted Madara's back warily, feigning to reassure him. Then, after a while of comforting the whiny man in front of him, he fed him a spoonful of medicine.
"Eat."
He really was a professional caretaker.
"Izuna! Do you want me to draw fire-breathing unicorns?" Madara asked in a timid, timid voice, officially unsettling Tobirama.
"Eat more medicine," was the only reply the flabbergasted Senju could possibly contrive.
~X~
It was past midnight as Tobirama's tenth attempt at absconding the Uchiha compound transpired to be ineffective, due to the fact that Madara, still clinging onto the notion that Tobirama is Izuna, refused to cease the hugging.
"Madara. I have to go now," Tobirama interrupted Madara's rambling.
"Please Izuna? A little more time? Come in and cuddle with me!"
Now that was creepy.
"Medicine?"
"No 'Zuna! I've had enough of your medicine! Come in!"
Before given a chance to respond, Tobirama felt a dragging weight haul him under the duvet.
Hashirama… Next time this guy is ill, find a masochist…
~X~
Tobirama awoke to the rustling noise made by Madara when he shifted under the blanket, combined with the thunderous snoring that infiltrated his ears relentlessly. Realisation dawned on him that he had become a hypocrite; after all, it was him who often chastised his brother for sharing a blanket with Madara.
His vision blurred before focusing on his surroundings, it was near dawn, an hour or so before Madara Uchiha is roused out of bed and the furniture procured an almost animate quality.
Either that was hallucination caused by lack of sleep or Tobirama had fallen into delirium, contracting Madara's cold after a day of caretaking, but out of the blue emerged Izuna's figure. A ghost clutching a broomstick in his palms, ready to castrate Tobirama any moment, eyes glinting maliciously.
"Get. Away. From. Him…" it seemed to warn.
Nodding furiously, Tobirama donned his jacked and slipped out of the Uchiha compound.
Brother… I'll get you back for this…
~X~
"This much?!" Hashirama was flabbergasted at the mountainous pile of paperwork.
"That's me being lenient," Tobirama scoffed in return. "Never ask me to look after that bitchy friend of yours again."
"Aww… I still found it sweet how you fed Maddie-chan medicine!" Hashirama beamed and clutched his hands together in delight.
"Not funny. Don't ever mention that aga—ACHOO!" Snot was involuntarily hurled at Hashriama's direction as his brother started to sneeze uncontrollably. "ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO! What the—ACHOO!"
"You alright brother?" Hashirama appeared concerned.
"Does it look lik—ACHOO!"
"Pity, I must regrettably announce that, owing to the amount of paperwork needed to be completed, I am unable to spare anytime to take care of you…" Hashirama looked downcast. "Mother would be mad…"
Then his eyes, much to Tobirama's discomfort, lit up.
~X~
"I'm you caretaker!" Madara Uchiha carried three-plastic-bag worth of medicine and stood opposite of the door. He looked murderously ecstatic, his wild raven hair spontaneously spiking up and his Mangekyo Sharingan activated, much to Tobirama's apprehension. "Let's call this my revenge shall we?" He smirked deviously.
A sick and nauseous Tobirama despaired.
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