Yama. Day 173. Almost six months have passed since we arrived in this world, six months without the children, six months without Mokona, six months without communication.
Six months ago, Kurogane and I arrived in the country of Yama. Landing right over the dry ground, with no signs of vegetation. It was nighttime and the first thing we could notice was a stone building floating in the sky, there was no one in sight, but I could hear people talking somewhere. I asked him what kind of world we had arrived into, but his "answer" surprised me. I could hear his voice, but I was unable to understand his words. We concluded at the same time, our group has been separated.
We decided to follow the noise, which brought us to a group of people. Immediately, a smell entered through my nostrils, a smell that brought me back memories I never liked to remember, and before I knew it, I looked at my feet and found out we were greeted by a red carpet. Blood. Right in front of me I could notice a grand amount of dead bodies on the floor, and for the first time, I was happy the children were not next to us.
Soon, we were spotted, and we were not very welcome. Wary looks soon landed over us, the soldiers spoke words I could not understand once again, but surprisingly, Kurogane could communicate with them. I then understood my situation, and pretended I could not speak, and just smiled. A foreigner, with a completely different look and speaking an unknown language was the last thing we needed at the moment.
While Kurogane talked to the soldiers, a gallant presence approached us, as soon as I could properly look at their face, I noted the resemblance with the statue of Yasha we found in the country of Shara. The soldiers slowly made room as he walked towards us and started talking to Kurogane, and asked us to follow him. The soldiers glanced at us suspiciously while we walked towards the temple.
Yasha analyzed us carefully as he spoke to Kurogane, keeping a serious yet calm tone. The conversation didn't take very long, and as soon as we got back up, Yasha guided us to a wide armory room. Right after we arrived, Yasha walked away, saying nothing at all.
As we entered the room, Kurogane started looking at the swords, probably using his vast battle knowledge to find the right blade, and as soon as he chose one, he handed it over to me, asking me to hold it. I closed my eyes and touched the blade, pushing it away in denial, and his eyes over me turned harsh. He handed me the sword once again, but once again I refused to grab it.
-I don't want to kill anyone – I said to him, but I knew he could not understand. I could see him firmly grasping the scabbard, and that was when his patience reached it's limit. He then released the sword, that fell to the ground with a sharp sound.
Visibly frustrated, he turned his back on me, and again stared at the room, and after a long moment of silence, he passed through me without saying a word and grabbed a different kind of weapon. A bow. This time I did not refuse to hold it, though I still could not understand the reason, I held the bow, pointing it forward. Then he started yelling at me, with his usual grumpy tone. I had no idea what he was saying, but I took it as "you're doing it wrong, that's not how you wield it, you moron!"
He started gesturing with his hands and I tilted my head in a way to show I had no idea of what he was trying to tell me, and he came closer, starting to position my own body, indicating the right movement for the arm and how to better spread my legs while holding the weapon. Time passed as he taught me, lining up the bow to my face and showing me how to reach a greater speed with the arrows.
The training time kept going on, he gestured with his head for me to try hitting the target at the other end of the room, and then he sat right behind me, waiting. His intense look over me made me shiver a bit. I glanced at him with the corner of my eyes, and held my breath, assuming the perfect position. I waited for the right moment and released the arrow, hitting the middle of the farthest target.
At the exact moment the arrow reached the center of the target, I could hear Kurogane growl behind me. Of course I already knew how to wield a bow, but he didn't know about this, and I was having fun with all of it, I couldn't speak to him so I had to find another way to bother him, as I always had fun seeing him like that.
Kurogane headed towards myself with an angry look on his face, while I smiled. He held my shoulders and looked directly at my eyes, ready to scold me, that was when I noticed, his eyes turned completely black. I could see in his face, he was equally shocked. He turned away, grabbing the discarded sword on from the ground and turned it to me, and I could see in the blade's reflection that my eyes had also become black.
Time passed as we gained the soldier's trust, Kurogane and I became partners in battle and soon we were part of the highest rank in the squad as the army's strongest warriors. We watched each other's back, not because we couldn't handle ourselves, but we were an incredible team.
After about two months, language was not a problem anymore. We talked through body language, creating habits together. Each other's presence would speak for itself, and we created a few codes. Every morning as we woke up, we would gently put our hands over each other's shoulders, as a way to say "good morning", or a gentle touch on the back to indicate a more complicated battle. We created a routine together, between protecting each other in battle and relaxing together with the soldiers after them. Our bond was becoming stronger.
Four months. Kurogane could always see through my lies, but after all this time spent together in Yama, it only became worse. He could feel my anxiety before battle, look right into my eyes and slide his hand over my arm softly, telling me to calm down. I, too, could understand his attitudes, when he had fun during a fight, when he was nervous, or when he got distracted. And I also noticed he starting making a lot more eye contact with me, we could feel our different moods, by exchanging looks, by our facial expressions, by the way we touched each other, or the pressure in those touches. Ironically, our communication was a lot better than when were able to use words.
We began to have all our meals together, training together, sometimes we would ride the same horse to battle. I started to notice some of his habits, that I believe not even he noticed, like checking the wounded with the corner of his eyes every 3 minutes in the battlefield, or tilting his head slightly forward when he spotted the first soldier from Ashura's clan approaching. We began to sleep together inside the same tent, and I started to create my own habits near him. At night, right before I went to sleep, I lied on the futon next to him and whispered words like "good night" or "see you tomorrow" even if I knew he could not understand, or maybe he could. Right before falling asleep I started to grab his clothes, or hold the headband he wears in the battlefield between my fingers.
I noticed as well that after every battle, when we were able to rest, during the meals or at night, he caressed the ends of my hair, closest to my nape, or right behind my ear. That made me relax and forget all my problems for a moment. Forget the war and think about simple things, like how lovely the weather is or how peculiar was the taste of the food we ate. And that was when… I started to feel something different, something I never felt before, something I should not feel. I started to feel something I could not feel.
It's been two days since I started to distract myself in the battlefield, nothing that could hinder my performance or make me stop watching Kurogane's back, but I started to feel distracted while fighting, and I think Kurogane noticed that. Well, lately nothing goes by unnoticed between the two of us, so I was actually expecting that, but I did not expect he would notice so fast. And I thought I was hiding well, but I guess I was wrong. And then, in one of those moments, I accidentally let myself get hurt in my left arm. Again, nothing that could hinder my performance, but I could see in Kuroganes eyes that he was really mad.
We continued battling like always, but time started to go by slowly and the tension at that moment rose, at the end of the day, returning to the temple, we had our meals and went straight back to the tent. As soon as we arrived, I went towards the futon, but Kurogane stopped me, grabbed my wrist and pointed at my arm. But I showed no reaction.
- &&$#*¨*( ! !- he said, while gritting his teeth and grabbing a piece of cloth for my arm.
In the situation, I could only observe him while he screamed and wrapped the cloth around my arm. I want to tell him he doesn't need to do this, tell him I am ok and we need to stop this.
….."*)%%... – he whispered, looking directly into my eyes. I looked at his as well, I want him to understand what I'm trying to say.
I heard his long sigh, and waited for him to turn his back on me, or scold me, but his actions were not what I expected. He put his hand on the back of my head and pushed it against his shoulder, gently caressing my hair, I was trying to avoid this for 3 days, I started to panic. What should I do? I can't let this keep going… Even as I repeated this to myself, I rested my hand on his back, contracting my fingers and grasping his clothes, relaxing my head between his neck and shoulder… I'll let myself empty my mind one more time, I said to myself, and so I did.
We lied down on our own futons, this time only looking at each other. And for the first time, I slept while holding his hand.
Yama, day 178. Kurogane and I kept having our meals and trained together, our routine was just the same. We arrived in the battlefield for a fight that seemed endless to conquer the castle in the sky. Right after the incident with my wound, Kurogane started to observe the field more frequently, but after two days everything appeared to be back to normal, and as I promised to myself, I let my mind wander only that one time. I started teasing Kurogane again, and for a moment I thought about the days when I could tease him more often.
It's been two hours already since we began fighting, and I notice not many people had enough courage to fight Kurogane, always worried about his strength and my eyes wathing over his back. Everything went normally…
-Will they never admit defeat?
-Hey look! Behind you!
-Listen everyone! Be careful! The front line says Ashura's clan has reinforcements!
My eyes widened and I let out a surprised cry. Suddenly I could understand the soldiers. Kurogane heard me and quickly looked at my face, immediately understanding the situation. The children had arrived in Yama.
We continued the battle, we couldn't stop after all, and after ten more minutes we could spot the "reinforcements" in Ashura's clan. It was Syaoran and Sakura, and I was relieved to see they were ok.
But right after we saw them, we had to return to Yasha's temple. Anxiety took over our bodies, now that finally after all this time we would meet the children again. We walked towards our tent, I sat down near the small table inside. We were finally alone and I could talk to him now that the soldiers were not near and I didn't have to pretend I couldn't talk anymore. But I'm not sure why… I could not talk. The words would not come to my mouth, my lips dried out a little and I opened my mouth twice, but no sound cams out. I could not talk. I didn't want to. So I took a deep breathe, and lied down on my futon. And this night I slept without holding his headband or clothes.
On the next day, Kurogane and I were a bit excited to battle, since it was part of our morning routine, he put his hand on my shoulder, but even though he could, he didn't say good morning. We avoided eye contact, and didn't even speak to the soldiers. We went straight to the battlefield, and said nothing ever since.
Not even five minutes passed since we arrived in battle, we spotted Syaoran in the frontline, properly dressed to fight.
-Kurogane-san! Fai-san! – he called as soon as he saw us, quickly coming towards us.
-Would you look at that! Looks like Ashura has no more soldiers and is sending children to battle! – Kurogane said to Syaoran, surprising him. I smiled, of course Kurogane was still a very harsh tutor.
Understanding his intentions, I decided to help, firing arrows towards Syaoran to corner him and tighten the pressure of the battle.
-You could avoid my attack, but you won't have that luck next time.
As Kurogane said that to Syaoran, I noticed something. How much I missed his voice. I could hear him talking to the soldiers through all the time we spent in Yama, but somehow it was different, and only now that I can understand his words I could feel the emotion on his voice. Besides, his first words were to Syaoran, even though we could communicate now, he chose not to speak to me. I don't know what he's thinking, but I can feel I'm not the only one having a hard time with communication.
-Come back here and fight back, brat! Next time I'll cut you in half!
-…. Your reactions are too slow – he kept pressuring Syaoran while they fought intensely.
- You saved one of your underlings Ashura-ou, this is not like you Ashura-ou – while saying that, he jumped towards Ashura, attacking him and surprising Syaoran.
As time passed, he continued pretending he didn't knew Syaoran.
-Next time kid, I'll spear you like a pig.
On our next battle, the situation was the same. Kurogane attacked Syaoran as soon as he spotted him, and it looked like Syaoran didn't realize we were just pretending.
-Like I said next time, attack me like you want to kill me – It's interesting, observing him while he said those words to Syaoran. He always tried to hide behind his serious and grumpy attitudes how gentle he actually is. But he has a good heart. And that only makes it harder to talk to him again.
We both watched as the castle collapsed while Syaoran talked to Ashura-ou. We could not hear him, but I could see Ashura-ou handling the feather to Syaoran, and we knew the war would be ending soon.
-This is not good, you'll need to start training again – Kurogane said to Syaoran.
-You are too harsh, Kuro-chan – I leaned on his shoulder, and it was the first time I allowed myself to say something. Syaoran's presence made me a little less uncomfortable.
I explained all the situation to Syaoran, and started teasing Kurogane again, because I had to turn our situation back to normal. Sakura's feather was handed over to her and I was relieved we were moving again. I held them all closely so we would not wander away from each other again while we traveled. The old me they knew was back.
We landed on a very different place, and the first thing I noticed was the different forms of the different buildings and obviously some kind of ship flying through the sky.
Mokona started spinning around and pointed to the sky, showing us the uknown objects.
-Woaah, look! They have televisions and flying cars! Vroom vroom!
I wonder where the next feather would be—
-It's Sakura's feather! – Syaoran shouted and pointed up – It's printed on that balloon!
-This is a blimp~~ Puu!
-And also on that building – I pointed to the giant ad, on one of the buildings.
-Look! Look! It's also on that TV! Puu~!
-So that talking box with pictures is that TV thing the witch told us about.
In about five minutes of walking through this world, we found out it was called Piffle, and that Sakura's feather was the grand prize for the winner of a race. It was easy gathering the needed information, and right on our first day we started arranging our ships for the race, those ships are called Dragonfly, and the money we had was enough to rent a house, or at least something that looked like one.
-You were great Syaoran, are you sure you never piloted one of those?
-Yes, there was nothing like this in my country, or any of the ones I visited with my father.
-And how about you, Sakura-chan, are you really going to race?
-Yes! I'll do my best!
I could speak to the children, but avoided talking to Kurogane. I had no idea of how to talk to him again, and didn't know what to do about it. I tried not to stay alone with him and always followed the children when they went shopping.
But I did not expect when Syaoran told me he would go shopping with Sakura in the morning, and asked me to help Kurogane fixing Sakura-chan's Dragonfly, because… Well, she suffered a few accidents during training, and I couldn't say no to Syaoran or explain what was happening. I think maybe he noticed something was wrong, just like Kurogane, he has a good heart.
It is our second day in Piffle, I woke up early but Sakura and Syaoran had already left. I started preparing coffee in one of those water boiling machines, I think Mokona said it was called a coffee machine. As I turned back, I saw Kurogane coming inside the kitchen. I looked at him and I reached for his shoulder, like I always did in Yama, but before I could reach it, I couldn't keep up, and rested my hand on my chest.
-Good morning – I said, looking directly into his eyes. I could finally look deeply into them again, red like blood, the color I hated so much. A color I would never imagine I could miss so much as I did at the time.
We stayed silent for a long time, and I headed towards the living room.
-Ma…ge… - I was surprised to hear his voice, and turned around to look at him once again.
- Good morning.
I want to say something. But I feel my throat getting dry, why is it so hard to talk to him? But it looks like I am not the only one. Kurogane opened his mouth, closing it right after, and I could see him swallowing hard, as I could notice his adam's apple move up and down.
Trying to avoid awkwardness, I turned around again and walked a few steps, then stopping. Still with my back turned to him, I took a deep breath and said:
-Syaoran asked me to help you fixing Sakura's dragonfly… I'll meet you outside in fifteen minutes. – I said, but in reality, I just wanted to go back to my room.
It actually took me twenty minutes, not fifteen, for me to go outside. I opened the door and was immediately blinded by the sun. I took my hand to my eyes and could see Kurogane was already working on Sakura's dragonfly. I walked towards him and sat beside him, silently. I grabbed a wrench and started tightening the screws holding the fuel tank's compartment, to protect it.
All we could hear was the metallic sound of the screws, and banging, as we both worked in silence. I observed him with the corner of my eyes while he worked, I feel kinda uncomfortable so close to him, I think we spent so much time with no communication that I got used to the silence… I feel like I need to know him again.
I checked again and saw him holding two small screws between his teeth, he seemed concentrated in his work, and accidentally got some grease on his cheek, letting out a grunt. I looked away and felt my smile dropping. I could feel my face getting warmer, I couldn't possibly be blushing, could I? If I could, that was ridiculous, at least.
The situation was already awkward enough, I waited for a while until I calmed down and tried to break the silence. I had to.
-Kuro-chi~ Can you handle me the screwdriver please~?
-Y-yeah.
Kurogane quickly reached his arm out to me, giving me the screwdriver so fast that it scared me a bit, while turning his face away from mine. Is it me or… He just blushed? No, that would surely be impossible.
-Hey, mage. Hand me over some of those small screws you have there.
He still refused to look at my face, gazing only at the dragonfly's interior. His movements are a bit wonky and… Wait… On his left, those are… The same screws he just asked me to hand over…? I understand now.
I think I found a new way to tease him, I can get used to this. I guess other than seeing him angry, I like to see him confused as well.
Even with some difficulties, our little "talk" extended. We spoke kinda awkwardly, but at least we could use some real words.
-Kuro-pon, pass me the oil please.
-Mage, the pliers.
-Kuro-tan~ I need the BYP2 piece~
-Mage, get back here right now and give me that towel! My hands are filthy with all this damn grease, knock it off!
I can feel things are coming back to normal. I can talk to him again, and even annoy him. Just like I planned before.
-Hyuu~ It looks like Kuro-pon has some interest in mechanics? He's doing such a good job~
I relaxed, dropped the towel over Kurogane's head, and before I could even finish my sentence, I leaned over his shoulders. I could feel the chills going through both my body and his, it was too soon. Instinctively, he lowered his head a bit forward, and I quickly got away from him. Yes, we did advance a bit, but getting used to each other's presence would still take a while.
-Tch. Actually I have no interest in mechanics, but that princess insists on racing… And well, I wanna kick some butt in this competition.
His answer was, again, harsh and somewhat quick. I could tell he was worried about Sakura-chan, even though he will never admit it. He is Syaoran's tutor, and is constantly worried about his performance, and I know Syaoran respects him a lot; he supports Sakura and indirectly helps her, and he always worries about her… Sakura-chan seems to admire him a lot as well. He's been so much to the children… Like a father figure to them. Yes. He was like a father to them.
-Hyuuu~ Kuro-daddy is worried about the children again~
-WHAT? What was that all about? And you stop with those stupid nicknames, you want me to cut you in half?
He grabbed his sword, which was strategically right next to him and started running after me.
-Stop running so I can rip that head of your out!
We were getting back to our normal relationship, and at the same time, I managed to bring it all back to normal just like I planned.
Besides, I was happy at that moment. It's good to see those three formed a bond like this, even if they are not related by blood. They were like a family. Even though I knew they did not feel anything about me, I had fun just watching. This is the closest I ever been to a family, of being close to a family. I know I could not form a bond with them… But as long as I stayed inside the limits I traced to myself, there would be no problem. After all, pretending to have a family pleases me, it's something unusual to me. I let my mind relax again, and maybe for the first time in a long time. It was a moment that made me truly want to smile.