Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor the rights to the song "Understanding". This is merely a fanfiction.
Summary: A first-person look into the mind of Shuuichi and his view on his love for Eiri, corresponding with the lyrics to the song "Understanding" by Evanescence.
Hope you enjoy it!
Understanding
Yuki Eiri: A name so famous, yet so unknown. Sure, everyone knows Yuki Eiri the romance novelist, but do they know the true him? It took me close to forever just for him to tell me things about himself...but I remember every word. I remember exactly how I felt; how I acted when he told me about that guy he killed. Yuki said it like he was all right with it, like it wasn't real. But, I guess I would react the same way if I was trying to forget something.
"You hold the answer deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But, the imprint is always there."
Yuki tries his best to make it seem like it doesn't bother him...but I know it does.
"Can't wash it all the way.
Can't wish it all away.
Can't hope it all away.
Can't cry it all away."
I just wish I could chase away all his fear and pain. If only he'd let me.
"The pain that grips you.
The fear that frightens you;
Releases life in me.
In our mutual shame we idolize.
To blind them from the truth that finds a way from who we are."
I know most of this is my fault. I brought all these bad memories back to him...Yuki, I'm sorry. Please don't be afraid...I'll always be here for you.
Sometimes, it's if you're far away, when really, you're right here next to me. You're so distant sometimes. Then again, I did sort of push myself into your life. Even still, after months of asking, you told me about the tragedy that was your childhood. Now I almost feel as if I'm protecting you...
"Please don't be afraid when the darkness fades away.
The dawn will break the silence screaming in our hearts.
My love for you still grows.
This I do for you.
Before I try to fight the truth my final time."
Right now, he's sleeping next to me. I love how peaceful he looks...his beauty makes him seem unearthly; like an angel. Hearing him breathe alone makes me love him that much more...but it would all be nothing if he hadn't shown me what love felt like. Even when he's cold to me, there's just something that convinces me that he loves me in return.
"Lying beside you; listening to you breathe.
The life that flows inside of you burns inside of me.
Hold and speak to me of love without a sound.
Tell me you will live through this and I would die for you."
Ever since I've been around, he's tried harder and harder to push me away. But, as usual, I didn't listen. The more I think about it, the more I realize that if he wanted me out of his life that badly, he could have easily done so. This shows me that he genuinely cares about me in his own odd way. I'm just waiting to actually hear him say it.
"Cast me not away.
Say you'll be with me.
For I know I cannot bear it all alone."
I'm never alone anymore. Even when Yuki isn't around, I'm still not alone.
"You're not alone, honey.
Never, never."
As much as he wants everything to disappear, it won't. Everything that happened with Kitazawa-sensei, my love for him; all of it could never be erased.
"Can't fight it all away.
Can't hope it all away.
It just won't fade away.
But the imprint is always there.
Nothing is ever really forgotten.
God, please don't hate me.
Because I'll die if you do."
Written by: ShiraYukie-hime