Author's note

Written for Season 6 of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition.

Round 10: Soapies

Team: Pride of Portree

Position: Chaser 2

Prompt: Write about a character's will

Optional prompts:
1. (dialogue) 'That's ridiculous. If he's the father then call me Godric Gryffindor.'
10. (song) 'Neighbours' - Neighbours theme song
14. (dialogue) 'Sure, let's all get matching tattoos and we can dance the polka.'

Word count (excluding author's note): 1,915

A/N: The 'Neighbours' prompt is used only in the title. The theme song's contents talk about getting to know your neigbours and being there for one another, but this story is about having the wrong kind of 'neighbours'—and having 'neighbours' who know perhaps a bit too much about you...

Neighbours

Harry picked the Daily Prophet up from the Weasleys' kitchen table, having been immediately drawn in by the headline:

WILL OF HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED FOUND IN LESTRANGE VAULT: BENEFICIARIES TO FACE LEGAL INQUIRY

He sat down next to Hermione and began to absently spoon porridge from the large pot in the middle of the table into a bowl for himself. He skimmed through the article. In sorting the contents of the ransacked Lestrange Vault, a seemingly blank roll of parchment had been uncovered. Harry had heard some chatter of this from the high-ranking Aurors who were in charge of the endeavour. Of course, they thought it a strange thing to find hidden away in a top-security vault, so it had been passed along to an elite team of scholars, Charms experts, and Curse-Breakers for inspection.

That had been the last that Harry had heard a few weeks ago. And now it was being reported that the team of experts had managed to reveal the contents of the parchment: Voldemort's last will and testament. It looked to be legally valid, although with so many illegal objects among his possessions and so many beneficiaries locked up in Azkaban, it was doubtful that any of the will would actually be carried out. It did, however, name a handful of people who had managed to evade arrest so far—those who claimed Imperius or extortion, with a lack of sufficient evidence to prove otherwise. Now they would all be called to court for reexamination. After all, why would Voldemort leave his dark and powerful artifacts to mere pawns who had been forced into doing his bidding?

Harry all but inhaled the last of his porridge and stood. The Auror Office would be in an uproar; he couldn't wait to get there! He was just about to run upstairs to tell Ron the news and rush him into leaving when Hermione spoke up.

'Doesn't it seem a bit off to you?'

'What? Er, yeah, I guess the consistency was a bit thicker than—'

'No, not the porridge, the will.' Hermione rolled her eyes.

Harry was anxious to get going, but was curious to hear his friend's take on the news. 'How do you reckon?'

'Well, just think about it. Voldemort poised himself as this champion of blood purity, but we know that his true goal, above all else, was to find a way to avoid death. Wouldn't writing a will be an admission to himself that he might fail?'

'You've got a point there.' Harry furrowed his brow, thinking. 'Maybe it was a way to motivate his followers to do well? Or, er, some kind of symbolism of who his best ones were? Like, the higher your ranking, the better the stuff that's assigned to you?'

Hermione considered this but then slowly shook her head. 'No, surely the ranking would have been changing around all the time. Would he really waste time amending a will every other day just for the sake of symbolism? As for motivation, I'm sure he had no shortage of other ways to do that. And anyway, he always put his own pride above those sorts of things.'

'You're probably right,' Harry conceded, 'but honestly, I don't really want to question it. Not if it helps put the last of the Death Eaters where they belong.'

'I suppose that's all that really matters,' Hermione sighed.

With the discussion drawing to a close, Harry could no longer contain his impatience to get to the Ministry and hear more about the updates to the beneficiaries' legal cases. Ron would have to catch up on his own. 'Look, I've got to run; they hate it when we're late to training…'

'Of course. See you later,' she managed to tell him before he Disapparated. She picked up the newspaper and began to reread the article for the fourth time. 'I still wish I could figure it out, though…'

Two years earlier...

'That's ridiculous. He hasn't gotten any action from Bella in years. If he's the father then call me Godric Gryffindor.'

A smattering of laughter broke out in the group, and Severus began to wonder whether this conversation would produce anything worth reporting to the Order or if it would be limited to idle gossip.

'Well, we always knew that was never a union of love,' Selwyn opined. ''Specially after Bella raved about their undying support and dragged Rodolphus off to Azkaban with her. Think he'd've rathered avoid that mess.'

'And who can blame him?' Avery put in.

'Careful what you say, now,' Nott muttered darkly, glancing around at the half-dozen Death Eaters seated in the study.

'We're all Occlumens here, aren't we?' Avery replied easily. 'And I know none of you lot would rat me out, because I know you were all thinking the same. Everyone here managed to keep their sorry arses out of prison fifteen years ago.'

There was a moment while the others absorbed his words, regarding one another intently. 'Oh, sure, we're all just the best of mates. Let's all get matching tattoos and we can dance the polka,' Nott shot at him. Everyone laughed, and the tense atmosphere dissipated.

'I wouldn't mind pulling that trick again, either,' Jugson admitted. 'My stint in Azkaban last year was more than enough.' He shuddered at the memory. 'But now that I've been and escaped once, I doubt I can talk my way out of it again. All I can do is hope Potter doesn't manage to save the day.'

'A fair few of us still have never been,' Selwyn said. 'Mostly newer recruits, but some of the originals as well. We might stand a chance at avoiding it just once more if we're careful. Although you might want to start planning now, Severus,' he smirked, 'since Dumbledore won't be around to save you this time.'

'Yes, you're quite right,' Severus muttered distractedly, before standing to abandon the conversation and sweep out of the room. He heard their mocking laughter behind him but he didn't care; they'd get theirs in the end.

Severus had to wait quite some time before he could enact his plan. There were spells to check whether a signature was forged or not; if he was going to trick Voldemort into signing a document—with his legal name, no less—without getting caught, he'd have to do it when the Dark Lord had plenty on his mind to distract him.

He decided to make his attempt as Voldemort was preparing to leave for Germany. He knocked on the door of the Malfoys' main study.

'Enter, Severus,' came the cold voice from within.

Severus hurried inside, Wormtail in tow. Voldemort was sitting at the impressive table examining some news clippings. 'Master, Yaxley has asked me to confer with you regarding some legal matters.'

'I was not under the impression that you had regular conference with Yaxley,' Voldemort intoned.

'He meant to see you himself, but was called to the Ministry quite suddenly. I just happened to be nearby,' Severus explained. He summoned an image of this story in his mind to nestle among his most recent memories.

'Very well, but keep it brief. I will be departing for abroad in a matter of hours.'

'Of course, Master, it will take only a moment,' Severus assured him. He approached the head of the table where Voldemort was seated. 'Now that we have control of the Ministry, Yaxley has foreseen certain issues that may arise with respect to your legal name.'

At this, Voldemort looked up sharply, giving Severus his undivided attention. 'What sort of issues?' he hissed.

'Namely, that many traces of your past life still exist—Hogwarts files, employment history, parentage records.' Severus paused for effect. 'It's not much, but it is enough for anyone to link your old name to your new one. I already know more than I ought to due to Dumbledore's meddling in your affairs, but I'm sure there are many among your followers who would be shocked to learn the truth. It may compromise our position to create unrest in the ranks now.'

Voldemort stared at Severus coldly, recognizing the threat he was suggesting. 'And what does Yaxley propose we do about this?'

'We have a strong hold over the Ministry, but we are far from the majority of those employed there. Certainly not enough to demand your records by force without raising any scrutiny. In order to avoid any issues in the future, it would be best to draw up an official request to see copies of all your government records, and submit it subtly with other ordinary Ministry requests. Once we know what records still exist, we can place trusted agents accordingly to locate and destroy them quietly. Yaxley has a plan for everything—all he needs is your signature.'

Voldemort's gaze darkened at that last word. 'Tom Riddle is long dead now, and I will not sign that name. Whatever issues may arise will be dealt with by other means.'

Severus returned his gaze unwaveringly, keeping an image of Yaxley explaining these worries in a very worried way, as if there were already whispers among regular Ministry employees about whatever happened to that Tom Riddle anyway. 'Very well, Master. If you're certain…'

At that moment, Macnair burst into the room. 'Sorry for intruding, Master, but word has come from your German spies. There are rumours circulating of your investigation into Grindelwald's whereabouts, and authorities are making arrangements to ward against all portkey travel. If you don't leave immediately, we may need to delay our travel and go by broom.'

Voldemort hissed in frustration. In a snap decision, he snatched up his quill and scrawled Tom Riddle's signature onto the document Severus had set on the table, then stood and rushed from the room.

Severus let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. 'Wormtail,' he called to the man who'd been lurking in the farthest corner of the room since they entered it. 'Come here; we need to sign it as witnesses.'

'But why would a request form need witnesses?' he wondered.

'I don't pretend to understand the minds of bureaucrats,' Severus snapped. 'Just sign it, unless you want to give the Dark Lord further reason to be angry.'

Wormtail hastened to sign the parchment, then wasted no time in fleeing. Severus signed it as well and then made his way to the Floo parlour to finish the deed at Hogwarts, where he wouldn't be interrupted.

In the Headmaster's office, he Vanished the ink spelling out the Ministry request he'd drafted up, leaving only the signatures. He then got to work writing out a will, being sure to include each and every name in Voldemort's inner circle.

Severus sat back and admired his handiwork before storing the document in a secret drawer at his desk. Now the final piece of the puzzle would be to leave it somewhere it was sure to be found in the event of Voldemort's defeat.

Just then, Bellatrix's head popped into existence in his fireplace.

'Severus, get over here, and bring the sword and the cup. We're to move them to my vault.'

Severus could barely contain the satisfied smile that threatened to arise on his face. 'Of course. If you'll just allow me a moment to prepare for travel.'

Bellatrix disappeared wordlessly. Severus took the will out once more and smiled sourly. It would be the perfect hiding place.

It didn't take him long to conceal the parchment's text to his satisfaction, and then he was off.