You by snidget76

Roxanne reflects on her relationship with her brother, Fred. This is a song- fic using lyrics from Beyonce's Halo. I do not own Harry Potter or Halo.

This is weird, I mean the only time anyone ever looks back on their life like this is when they're so near the end of their life that they have nothing better to do than wonder what could've been. I am twenty- three; nowhere near the end of my life. But you know that, Fred; just like you know everything else.

iRemember those walls I built

Well, baby they're tumbling down./i

You remember when we first met right? Of course you do, you were eight, and I was seven. I was still in that hell of an orphanage and you were breaking the rules set by my future parents. I was guarded as you know, I had trust issues, I put walls up as defenses and you didn't care. You were the only one to break them down after I was officially part of the family.

iAnd they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound./i

iI found a way to let you in

But I never really had a doubt

Standing in the light of your halo

I got my angel now./i

It's weird that one of my fondest memories of you is after my sorting, in the Gryffindor common room. I kept hearing the hat's voice in my head, kept hearing the whispers after I had sat on that stool for over five minutes, the whispers that I was barely a Gryffindor. And you know what you said when you found me crying by the fire, Fred?

You said, "You're going to do great things in whatever bloody house the hat decided to put you into. And you know what? I don't care what they say; you're the best Gryffindor since sliced bread, all you have to do is prove them wrong." And then you left. Believe it or not that made me smile and I didn't shed another tear that night. I don't think I ever thanked you for that; so thank you Fred.

iIt's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had you breakin'/i

You know the rules I'm talking about; the rules of being an older brother, the rules you probably didn't even realize you were breaking. You broke them for the sake of your little sister, for me.

You were isupposed/i to ignore me, you were isupposed/i to pretend like you didn't know me while I was supposed to be the annoying little sister who didn't fit in with you and your friends. Those were the rules and we broke them. Then again, rules were never our thing anyway.

iIt's the risk that I'm takin'

I ain't never gonna shut you out/i

I suppose you could say I'm very open with the people I trust, but Fred, you were and remain to be the only person who can get me to tell what's on my mind. You are also the only person who I know wont judge me for the stupid stuff I did and still do. You didn't say word about the risks my friends took at Hogwarts. You didn't bat an eye when I told you about going to the Chamber of Secrets. You sort of expected that sort of thing from me.

When I told you about Scorpius Malfoy, I had still hoped that held true. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

iI had just told everyone in the kitchen of the Burrow about Rose dating Scorpius and during all of the confusion of people yelling, I slipped away. I was in dad's old bedroom, tears flowing freely down my cheeks. Saying it out loud made it official, made it hurt more.

The door opened and you walked right in without invitation, but as this wasn't even my room I had no right to call for privacy. You came forward and sat right next to me while I furiously wiped at my eyes, after all, I wasn't even supposed to like him.

"You can't honestly be that sorry," you said calmly.

"I'm not," I snapped.

"Well, are you going to tell me what's really bothering you or am I going to have to beat up everyone who looks at you funny?" you asked in a very serious tone that me burst into laughter. "Well?" you stressed the word.

"Okay, okay, just don't hate me when I tell you," I started. You opened your mouth to protest, but I took a deep breath and said, "."

"Uh, come again?"

"I have a crush on Scorpius Malfoy and I kissed him on Halloween," my eyes were closed as I said this; I slowly opened them while wincing to see you're expression only it was normal. You didn't even seem fazed.

"I thought so," you said finally. "Not about you snogging him, but I think you know what I mean."

"Wait, you're not mad?" I demanded.

"Well, when I figured it out, I was, but then I thought 'this is your decision and I haven't got a right to judge', besides I thought if anything came of it you'd get enough problems from mum and dad. I sort of had time to get used to it," you sounded completely honest and I was grateful.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Come on, they'll be looking for us. And Roxy, remember if it's your happiness I'm not going to try and take it away." you headed for the door and I nodded to myself before following./i

That's how it's always been. I've been grateful for that.

iEverywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace/i

When I broke up with Steve, I was lost, really lost. And not the kind of lost like 'what am I supposed to do without him' that normally comes with a break- up. The lost I felt was like 'how the hell am I supposed to raise my one- year old kid when I haven't got a job and my now ex- boyfriend could barely support him before'. Yeah, that was a wakeup call. We broke up because there was nothing there holding us together, sure we had a son but there was no attraction. You knew that, heck you were the one who asked me why I was still with him to which I had no answer to, not a real one anyway.

I moved out of the flat we had been living in for about a year. I was almost out the door of the building when I realized I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go to mum and dad because of the fact that I had told them that I perfectly capable of making it on my own and I really couldn't face the look of disappointment on their faces again.

What else to do? I could always go to one of my friend's house, but I could just see it now, whoever it is thinking 'oh, I knew she couldn't do it. Poor Roxy, I guess we need to bail her out of trouble again'. I wouldn't be able to handle that, I didn't need their pity. They'd been bailing me out of my own mistakes years over, no; I'd get myself out of this mess. I just needed help; More specifically, my big brother's help.

And you did, when I knocked on the door and you answered it was no questions asked, you stepped aside and let Calvin and I live in your flat for another year until I had a good paying job, a flat of my own and daycare program set up for Calvin that you helped pay for even though you didn't have to. You never once looked down on me for what happened and you helped me get back on my feet when you could have turned away. I love you for that, big brother.

iBaby I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace/i

The attack on Diagon Alley changed things. Well, it changed the way I looked at the world. It still plays over in my head, you know, the shouts, the screams; that spell. Crucio. It even sounds torturous, threatening, and horrific; everything that it is. It's not your fault, Fred, I know you still blame yourself for it, please don't. I'm just thankful that you got there when you did. That would remain the second time you saved my life, so don't blame yourself, you're a hero.

iYou're everything I need and more

It's written all over face/i

I remember when I made the decision to pursue my dream career of being a Healer.

i It was Christmas at the Burrow and dad made a toast saying he couldn't wait until this time next year when you and he would be working side by side at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. The look on your face said it all. After forcing a smile (yes, Fred, I could tell it was fake), you moved through the sitting room to the kitchen on the pretext of getting a drink. I followed, needless to say.

I came in to find you sitting at the table nursing a bottle of Firewhisky looking deep in thought. Naturally, I decided to break through your thoughts. I asked you if you were excited and you made this big (cough fake cough) show of how excited you were about the prospect of working with dad.

Once you got that out of your system you said, "seriously though, I'm not sure that's what I want to be doing".

For your benefit I looked surprised at this revelation. I had already noticed that you didn't look happy whenever dad brought this up.

I responded by saying "well, what do you want to be doing instead?"

"I don't know! All I know is that I want to be doing something in my life other than running a joke shop!" you snapped. I, however, was unfazed.

"You do know, now are you going to tell me or not?"

"Not, you'll just laugh," you replied stubbornly.

"I promise I won't," I urged you.

"Lawyer," you whispered.

I nodded. "Fred Weasley, Ministry of Magic Lawyer. It has a nice ring to it."

You smiled and chuckled a little. "Yeah, it does. And you?"

"Healer," I muttered. "And it's bloody impossible."

"You'd be the best Healer. Just don't tell Victoire I said that." You cracked a grin and before you know it we were rolling around laughing for no apparent reason other than the fact both of us had been drinking Firewhisky even though I was sixteen./i

It was possible and you made me see that. Even though now, it's you who ended up with your dream job.

iBaby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away/i

Do you know what one of my scariest memories is? It's the day I almost lost my first 'patient'. My 'patient' was you. There was so much blood, Fred. I was still in Hogwarts, I'd never had any proper training except for that book you went out and bought me for Christmas. If you had tried to get to the hospital wing you would have bled out. Even though I was panicking inside, screaming in utter turmoil, I held it back and focused on you. I didn't matter at that moment; you did, when your life rested in my hands. I did all that I could and the scary part was when I thought it hadn't been enough. Then your heart started beating again. I can't it believe to this day.

iHit me like a ray of sun

Burning through my darkest night/i

The day I found out I was pregnant was a day I had never felt so alone. And having to tell mum, dad, and you that I was pregnant at seventeen is a day I never felt so utterly defeated. As you know, Fred, mum and dad did not take the news well. They yelled and essentially had the adult version of a fit. But you, you just sat there completely gob smacked with your mouth hanging open in a comical fashion not unlike a cartoon while I started to cry. About a second later I was inside the fireplace shouting out Steve's address for no other reason other than so I could tell him the news as well (not the best plan I know).

I left the flat about two minutes later after had followed me and promptly given my boyfriend and the father of my child a punch to the jaw that would definitely leave a mark. It was raining, I remember, and I didn't have an umbrella. Eventually, after wandering around aimlessly (I have absolutely no idea why I did this. I just knew that I did not want to go home), I sat down at a park bench and started full out sobbing.

You found me and you didn't say a word you just sat down next to me and opened your arms. Soon, we were hugging and I was still crying in your shoulder.

You never blamed me, though I deserved it. I've never been so happy to have guilt.

iI swore I'd never fall again

But this don't even like falling

Gravity can't forget

To pull me back to the ground again/i

The first time you saved my life was at twelve years old, I was eleven and having my first flying lesson.

You skipped class with James to come watch and were sitting discreetly in the stands invisible under Albus' invisibility cloak should Madame Hooch turn to the stands and catch you there. I was flying highest than anyone else, but I couldn't remember how to get down. On the other hand I was having too much fun to care. Then the broom twitched and I lost control. A split second later I was falling through the air from thirty feet off the ground.

To this day I don't see how you did it, but you did. You leapt over the barrier at the stands, stole a random first year's broom, and pushed it for all it was worth to get to me. Your hand grabbed mine and not caring whether I dislocated my shoulder, for that would be better than me being a pancake, you hoisted me up onto the back of the broomstick and told me to 'grab on with all I had'.

You were rewarded fifty points to Gryffindor for your 'heroic actions' and given a detention for skipping class. You said you didn't care just as long as you weren't the one that had to explain to mum and dad why I hadn't come home for Christmas. That's how I knew you cared.