He wondered why, when he rolled his neck, it made that funny cracking noise.
But, he supposed, a week of no sleep could be hard on the bones and joints.
It was past midnight, and Zero was sitting next to his bed, when he really should have been on it. Headmaster Cross had diagnosed him with insomnia, and had given him pills to make sleep come easier. Without hesitation, he promptly returned to his dorm room and poured them all in the toilet, oddly satisfied watching them spin around and around and then disappear. First blood tablets, now this; why did everyone deem it appropriate for him to solve all of his issues with a drug of some sort?
He found his own way of helping himself. Although, he mused, not dozing was probably not considered an effective way to manage his problem. But it was the only way to rid himself of the nightmares.
For Zero wasn't sleeping because he couldn't. He was staying up all night because every time he closed his eyes, horrifying images replayed themselves in his mind.
The theme of each film – as he had entitled them – varied. Some were bloodier than others, some were memories of the night his humanity was stolen from him, and some were happier at first before everything that gave him joy was ripped from his hands.
So, at night, he paced his room thoughtlessly. Awake, he commanded where his conscious took him, and every morning he celebrated a victory against his unconscious. Once again, he had outwitted his body, told himself that he did not require sleep.
Not like he required Yuuki's blood.
He winced, not allowing his thoughts to venture in that direction.
Bloody Rose was a comforting weight on his chest. Something about the cold, metallic pressure of the gun kept him anchored to humanity. Remembering his part in the world, the fate he was so unwillingly given, made him pace faster, until anyone who caught sight of him would only see a blur.
His sleepless nights had not gone unnoticed, much to his dismay. Yuuki would catch a glimpse of the dark circles under his eyes and ask him what was wrong. A part of him was tempted to tell her the entire story, but another, much stronger, part kept him silent. Whenever she let her concerns surface, he would breeze past her, ignoring her efforts.
What she didn't know was that the look on her face when he walked past killed a piece of his remaining sanity. Hurt mixed with confusion . . . it was the same expression that haunted him in his dreams.
Maybe, he reasoned, his inability to sleep was because his mind was too busy processing his emotions to allow Zero a break. Thoughts of Yuuki, Kuran, and that woman drifted back and forth as if lost at sea.
Yes, a bloody sea of torment. That's what his life was.
Unlike his fellow guardian, Zero didn't let his emotions show on his face. It seemed that when Shizuka stole his future, she also stole any inclination to reveal his true emotions, even to the people he trusted and cared about.
So how was she to know how much Zero yearned for her? How much her soft skin, gentle hands, and bright eyes popped up in his thoughts at the least expected times. Or how determined she was to keep Zero alive and safe conflicted with her love and passion for Kuran. Or how her feelings on the vampires made Zero stay up all night, hoping she cared about him the most. That the thought of Kaname's impure, soiled hands touching her made him boil with rage. But the thought that he deserved her even less nearly caused him to crumple.
Was it really a wonder that Zero couldn't sleep?
He could feel a headache forming at the crown of his skull; could feel and hear his blood pounding in synchronized harmony with the chirping of the crickets outside. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tilted his head back. Funny. He didn't even know it was possible for vampires to get migraines.
Thankful there were no lights on – only a candle flickering his shadow against the wall – he closed his eyes. It helped the pain, but not the insomnia. The films flitted like the shadow, disappearing occasionally but never for too long.
Having never been in love before, Zero wondered if his feelings were confused with something else. Something less civilized. Kuran seemed so sure that Yuuki was the one he was destined to spend eternity with. A part of Zero assumed his feelings were obsession or a childlike craving.
But, when he reminded himself how the mere thought of Yuuki smiling made his chest cramp up giddily, or that the thought of her giving her life for him made him want to scream in agony.
Maybe it wasn't Kaname's version of love; so obvious, it was a wonder Yuuki hadn't noticed his affections yet. Zero was always one for the more subtle arts.
And maybe Kuran did steal her heart.
She was happy, right? Nothing else mattered.
So he'd go on protecting her and keeping her from dying. Go on pretending to not care. Because this was the basis of their relationship. It was their ethos.
The nest morning, Zero didn't remember when he fell asleep. Nor did he recall that, for the first time in seven days, he didn't have a nightmare.
For the first time in seven days, he slept.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
AN: This is just a little one-shot I wrote while I procrastinate working on my Chemistry Series. I just wanted to get inside Zero's head. (So, don't worry – it wasn't supposed to make any sense. xD)
I wrote this carefully so it doesn't take time during a certain point in the manga. It could be any night. No spoilers.