Rum Runners

pg-13

disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean...but don't we all wish we did. Oh, and Billy Joel owns "Captain Jack."



~~~~~~~

Will stumbled over the upturned chair, laughing like a maniac. The tankard of home-made alcohol flew above his head, and a glorious amber arch of the Captain's precious brew soared in an unbroken seam straight onto the badly beaten mahogany dining table.

"Turner! That be me rum you're usin' to peel the finish off me lovely table!" Jack Sparrow roared, his gait drastically more inebriated than he usually pretended it to be. He tumbled over the fallen lad.

"Oof, Jack! That was my elbow!"

The soused pirate groaned in pain. "Don't I know it, lad....gimme 'nother drink." Will reached for the Captain's mug with a flop of his arm, but Jack batted it away. "No....the whole damn jug. Give it to us."

"Jaaaack! I want some, too!" If the sober Will could hear the drunk-off-his-arse Will, he probably would have cringed in mortification.

"I'll share, yeh insuff-er-ab-le whelp.....but only if you grace me lips with yours." Even sloshed, Captain Jack Sparrow was the dashing rogue. Will giggled like a blushing maid, and obliged his good Cap'n.

"Tha's better....rum?" Jack licked his lips and shoved the large, unglazed urn over to his giddy First Mate, who was flushed, with either the drink or the kiss, Jack knew not. 'Eh, probably both.'

"'s really good rum, Jack. Where'd you get it?" Will inquired, unable to return to vertical stability.

"Made it meself, luv. I know a thing or two 'bout me rum, savvy?" The fey-eyed cad bent his knees and gracelessly swivelled on his rump to fully face his hammered cohort. "It's me own secret re-ci-pee......ugh, pee. Speakin' o' which, Nature call's." And without further slurred ado, the Captain of the newly-recaptured Black Pearl weaved and wobbled his way off the floor, out of his cabin, and almost over the side of the deck as he rather enthusiastically leaned over the Pearl's port side and took care of some urgent business.

When he returned to his stuffy, dimly lit cabin, Will had surprised him. The young man was half-naked, dancing like.....well, a drunk, and singing for all the inhabitants of the ocean to hear.

".....Saturday night and you're still hangin' around...you're tired of livin' in your one horse town... you'd like to find a little hole in the ground for a while....."

"What ya be singin', darlin?!" Jack asked, attempting to lean bewitchingly against First Mate Turner, and ended up loosing his balance, tumbling onto his tuck-away bed.

Will cackled, a most eerie sound, and roughly joined his Captain. "Nothing, Captain. Drink up, 's my birth-day...."

Jack squirmed under the youth until they were both somewhat comfortable, and patted Will on the bandana-ed head.

"Aye, Turner. Yeh told me four times in the past hour. Aren't yeh enjoying your party? Want your present now?" Jack grinned like a lustful demon.

"Please! C'mon, Jack....give it to me!" Will exulted, not knowing that that was exactly what the good Captain had in mind. Jack turned his head and blew out the lone candle with a rasberry, 'ppppftt!' All was black, and the only sounds were of loud, intoxicated breaths, and creaking bed boards.

"Ow, Jack...that was my knee!"

"Oof.....I know! Move to the side-"

"Argh! My hair is caught in your damn ring! Get it out get it out!"

"Yer squirmin' ain't makin' this any easier...stay still, whelp!"

"I can't when you're ripping my scalp out piece by piece!"

".....why do my plans always have to get complicated when I'm drunk?"

~~~~~~~

the next week:

"Oh Jack.....I had an epiphany this morning, after the ferocious hangover from a WEEK ago wore off. Would you like to hear it?" Will asked, standing dead before the helm while the beaded-mane of the man steering it floated like a dark halo around his head. It was rather windy this morning.

"Would you stop even if I say 'no?'" Jack inquired, leading the Pearl with a steady hand. Will rolled his eyes and took this as acquiescence.

"I think you should create your own brand."

Jack raised a dark eyebrow. "Of what?"

Another eye roll. "Rum! I think you should market your rum, it'd make you even more rich than you are now."

"I don't need more gold, whelp. Isla de Muerta, savvy?"

"I KNOW....it'd make you more.....infamous." Will knew he'd take that bait.

"Well, that is true. We're close to Tortuga, we could talk to some of the breweries." Hook, line, sinker. Will smirked, and strolled over to tighten some loose canvas ropes, softly humming to himself. "La la la la la, lalalalaaaa, mmmhmmmm, la la la laaaa, and you smile, mhmhm...."

"What shanty are you singing, Will lad? Same song from our party you were dancin' to?" Jack's curiosity was piqued, this new tune was catchy, and he was always a fan of catchy tunes. It's what got him through the day.

"Nothing, my dear Cap'n. Nothing at all."

~~~~~~~~~~

"'Captain Jack' is already taken?! Who stole that name?" Captain Sparrow stormed, pacing the dirty floor of 'The Bottomless Keg,' Tortuga's most 'respectable' ale house. Will was trying to placate his rowdy compatriot, but he would not calm down. The barkeep was pressing himself as flat against the wall as his prodigious bulk would allow, fearing for his life. Will had to admit, Jack was quite fearsome when put-off.

"You can think of a different brand name, Captain. You have to admit, 'Jack' is common. Not saying YOU are common, just the name." Will tried to cover his faux pas, but the 'common' remark only fanned Jack's already engorged flame.

"You be quiet, whelp! I wanted me name on me damn rum! Wait....Barkeep!" He barked at the trembling man in the corner.

"A-a-aye, Captain Sparrow?" He stuttered, taking up a pad and pen, ready to take a name.

"What about....."Jack took a deep breath, "Morgan? Captain...Morgan?" Will's eyebrows rose into his hairline. Jack's anger seemed to have vanished, and been replaced with a sort of mortified sheepishness.

"MORGAN?! Is that...your REAL name?" Will desperately kept his jaw locked, afraid to let it fall to the floor. Morgan...who would have thought it?

Jack immediately took on the defensive. "You don't think it's a good name? Is it too...feminine? Is it UNCOMMON enough for you!?" Growled the irate man.

"Ease off, love. I like the name. What say you, Barkeep? How about Captain Morgan's rum?" Will proclaimed, already drawing up a logo in his mind.

"Sir Henry Morgan just took that, too."

Will ducked and covered as the babbling mass formerly known as "Jack" Sparrow blew through the brewery and tavern, narrowly missing several baffled patrons and deliberately buffeting the frightened Barkeep round the ears.

Will whistled low through his teeth, his hair hanging in tendrils around his face. "That went well."

~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's alright, Jack. We could think of another name." Will soothed, giving the tense pirate a hearty massage.

"Nay, lad. I think me rum would be more special if it were kept exclusively on the Pearl. Our treat." Jack replied, pushing into his First Mate's capable hands. Will hummed his tune, and the Captain could not take it anymore. He turned sharply and pinned Will to the bed in one swift move.

"What be this song you're singing? Let's hear it before I have a rope tied 'round your waist and toss you behind the ship!" Will laughed a bashful note, and softly recited his little song.

" Captain Jack will get you high tonight, and take you to your special island...Captain Jack will get you by tonight....just a little push 'n' you'll be smilin'....Do you like it? I wrote it myself."

Jack smiled and kissed Will soundly. "I love it, darlin'. I feel much better."

Will grinned, pulling the Captain down upon him. "What say you to some rum?"