In this life or the next

"That's not uncommon", Castiel said and turned to face Dean. "Some people never meet their soul mate when they are still alive.

Most meet their own when they die and go to the same heaven."

Prologue

Dean had lived a good life. He got to see how his brother get marry the most wonderful girl Sam could ever have. He got to see how their kids, Mary and John(named after their dead parents, must run in the family) grew up and got kids themselves.

Dean himself did never marry. He had few one night stands, but he never met that one girl he would've wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Well, there was Lisa, but that never really worked out. They both knew that, and even if there were some nights when Dean felt like calling her, just to hear her voice, he doesn't. They had their own lives and that's end of that story.

Dean was happy when he got to be that cool uncle for Sam's kids. He was happy because Sam's life was well and that was good enough for him. At least that's what he made himself believe.

When it finally was time for Dean to go to join the Heavenly choir upstairs, he was at his home. Mary had just visited with her husband and the baby. Dean was putting dishes in the washing machine when he had a stroke. He had felt how pain had erupted through his body and how his knees had buckled. How everything had started to go blur and how he had known he wouldn't survive it.

Dean had lived a good life. Still in his last moments, when he actually saw his life flash in front of his eyes, he couldn't help noticing that empty feeling inside him. It had always been there, but he had always chosen to ignore it.

Then it was just blissful dark, which took him away.

Chapter 1

When Dean regained consciousness the first thing he saw was the wheel of the Impala.

He had to blink twice to realize where he was. He was sitting in his car in the middle of nowhere, only endless road ahead. The last thing he remembered was his kitchen's floor real close and then nothing. Dean closed his hands, young and smooth again, around the wheel and started to drive, because that's what he felt like a right thing to do at the moment.

He knew he was dead. He had lived long enough to know that his time had come. Besides people just didn't pass out and woke up forty years younger in the middle of the road in their car, which he hadn't been able to drive for months.

Dean guessed this was the afterlife. He didn't believe in God so he wasn't sure if this was Heaven. Then again there wasn't fire, screaming people and laughing Satan anywhere, so this was no Hell either.

Dean kept driving, but occasionally he stopped.

The first time he stopped was when he saw 13-years-old Sam by the road. They went to the woods and blew off some fireworks like it was 4th of the July all over again. It was a nice moment and reminded Dean of his brother. He wondered if they had found his body yet and decided it was time move on.

It didn't take him a while to realize that things he saw along the way were his memories. Specifically happy memories, even though some made him sad just because of that fact.

He relived the Christmas 1991 when he was alone with Sam and their father was away on a business trip. That was when Sam gave him the amulet he wore now over 60 years later.

He relived few good moments with Cassie, the woman he first loved more than one night. He moved to the next memory before it all would come crashing down when Cassie would dump him.

He got to live again the moments when Sam told him he was getting married, when he and his wife had Mary and when they finally had John. He relived all the good moments with the kids and he couldn't help smiling when Mary first called him "Unca' Dean". He missed all of them and he was really happy to see them as kids again even though it was just within his memories.

The last memory he saw, was in his car. He was driving and Sam was sitting next to him. They had gone on road trip when they were still young and free. It had been one of the best years of Dean's life. Crappy motels, junk food, the Impala and the road. It was perfect.

In this particular memory they didn't say anything. They were just quiet and Traveling Riverside Blues was playing on the radio. Dean turned to look at his brother and he smiled. He'd deny anyone who claimed there was a tear on his cheek that moment.

Dean drove to the darkness and he was certain he had lived a good life.

Dean didn't except to come out of the darkness. He had thought that once he entered, that'd be it. That had seemed logical after reliving your memories. For a moment he was afraid that now that he had seen all the good stuff, it was time to face the reality. Now it was time for all of his life's mistakes, pain and sorrow to be slapped straight to his face and, unlike the happy memories, that would go on forever.

Maybe this was Hell after all. Letting you have something nice before tearing it away.

Dean stepped out of the car and looked around. He didn't know the place but it felt suspiciously comfortable and nice.

It was a house in the middle of the forest and fields. It was a rather big white house with red roof and a porch. There were even apple trees at the yard and all of it seemed too idyllic to be real. Dean could swear he was smelling apple pie somewhere around there and he looked around like he was expecting to find a white fence, but he didn't spot one.

This could still be Hell, he thought before closing Impala's door. This certainly wasn't a memory because Dean was damn sure he had never seen this place, but then what was it?

He walked around the yard, trying to peek inside the windows when he heard the door open. For a second he considered hiding or running away because what he had been doing was suspicious as hell.

He decided to stay where stood and turned to look at the porch.

There was a man standing there, about as old as Dean. For what Dean could tell from a far, the man was few inches shorter than he. His messy short hair was dark brown, almost black, and eyes were blue. His chin showed a five o'clock shadow and apart from his rather formal outfit he looked like he had just got out of the bed.

He seemed to be very surprised to see Dean, delighted even. Dean couldn't tell surely, because the guy had as much expressions as a stone statue.

"Um, I'm sorry?" Dean started and tried to look like he was sorry. He just wanted to know what was going on.

"I wasn't sure if anyone lived here so I…" was creeping around your house, was left unmentioned, "By the way, could you tell me where this is? I seem to be lost and-"

"Dean."

"…Have no clue wha- excuse me?"

"Dean Winchester", the other man said and he almost rushed from porch to Dean.

"I have been waiting for you", the man stated and he came to stand a little too close for Dean's liking, "A very long time."

"Um, okay…?" Dean said and looked the man questioningly, "What do you mean with a very long time? How do you know my name?"

"I've been watching you", the man said like there's nothing weird or creepy in that, "From here since the day I died", he added and looked Dean like he was the most wonderful being aliv- well, you know what I mean.

"It's an honor to finally meet you in person, Dean Winchester. My name is Castiel", the man said and Dean didn't even want to ask about the weird name because everything in this guy was weird.

"Okay, Castiel, what do you mean you've been watching me? What is this place?" Dean asked. Castiel had mentioned he was dead like him so then this really was…

"This is Heaven, Dean", Castiel answered, "I feel sorry to tell that you're unfortunately dead." The word 'unfortunately' seemed to be added only for Dean's sake because Castiel didn't seem to be upset about his passing on.

"Yep, I noticed as much", Dean said ruder than intended. "This is Heaven? Where are all the other people?"

"In their own heavens. Heaven isn't one big place, as you might think. It's many. Everyone have their own heavens."

"So this is yours?" Dean asked and wondered what the hell he was doing there in that case.

"No, this is ours."

"Say what?" Dean must've heard wrong.

"This is our heaven", Castiel repeated and the look on Dean's face indicated he still thought he had heard wrong. "In some occasions", Castiel started and looked around the yard, "Two people might share a heaven together. This usually happens between lovers and friends. "In other words: soul mates."

"Dude, I don't even know you!" Dean snapped because this was the point when the guy started to piss him off. The guy, who apparently had spied him from heaven and was now claiming that they had to share a bunk in Heaven. Oh, not on Dean's watch.

"That's not uncommon", Castiel said and turned to face Dean. "Some people never meet their soul mate when they are still alive. Most meet their own when they die and go to the same heaven."

"That doesn't change the fact that I don't know you!" Dean almost shouted, "To me you're some creepy stalker, who's been watching me for God knows how long!

"I apologize if that has made you upset, but-"

"I'm not upset, I'm freaking mad! You can go soul matey all you want, but I'm not doing it with some random guy I just met! I'm leaving!" Dean turned his back to Castiel and went to his car. Heaven, his ass. Guess he was right about the hell after all.

"You can't leave", Castiel stated and didn't even try to stop Dean going.

"Yeah, what makes me?"

Castiel stood quiet and looked uncomfortable as watched Dean to drive away.

Few minutes later the car returned and Dean stepped out of it.

"Didn't I just leave this place?" he asked and looked very confused.

"I told you, you can't leave. You'll just end up back here", Castiel said and went back inside. He knew Dean would just try again and he knew it's no use to try to get him stop. He would try to get away again and again till he would realize it's impossible and maybe not even then. Castiel had already learned that from watching Dean Winchester.

Dean really did try. Dozen times he drove away from the house, away from Castiel and he still got back to where he started. Every time he saw the house and Castiel watching him from the first floor window. Every time he cursed heavily and turned back only to get to the house again. It was getting dark when Dean decided he was getting tired to drive around circles and he parked the car to the yard as far of the house as possible. He didn't step out of the car, though. He didn't want to go inside and meet Castiel there. Hear him saying smugly: "Told you so". The man creeped him out big time.

Dean sighed and put his head against the wheel. He felt really frustrated. This day had been far from his best. He had died and woken up in Heaven. He had indeed lived through some of his best days earlier, but the first meeting with Castiel had ruined it all. This was the place he was imprisoned till the end of time? Heaven should've been a nice place with booze and women, but no. This was a prison and he had to share it with some oddball stalker. Dean was going to point out he didn't swing that way, when Castiel had said that they are soul mates, but he was just so pissed off at the time that he just wanted to get away. He still wanted.

He missed Sam and kids. He missed being alive. Life had been harder the last few years, of course. Dean's body hadn't been what it had used to be and it indeed had been old. Now there was nothing. He didn't wheeze every time he inhaled, he didn't feel like he needed to use bathroom every damn minute and his body didn't ache in every way possible. He was young again and physically he was feeling better than ever.

He still couldn't bring himself to rejoice about it. The emptiness he had realized having before dying was still there. It felt like it had even grown now that Dean had acknowledged the fact that he's not seeing his brother ever again. Castiel had said that everyone had their own Heaven so Sam would eventually have one too.

Dean had only memories, so many good memories.

Dean felt his eyes going wet and he huffed. This is what being dead was? It hurt. Hurt more than anything Dean had ever faced. Even their parents' death hadn't hurt this much. Sam had been there. He hadn't been alone.

Dean wiped the tears with the back of his hand. He hadn't cried for years and the sensation felt odd, shameful and choking. He leaned back and tried to even his breathing, which proved to be hard, near impossible.

He decided to stop trying and let the tears come. Few silent sobs between breaths broke the car's silence when Dean just thought how fucked up this all was. He didn't forget to curse God between the sobs, of course. He even promised that every now and then every time he woke up and every time he'd go to bed, he'd curse the Son of a Bitch for taking away everything he got.

"Fuck you, you fucking Son of a Bitch…" Dean whispered before he fell asleep.

Dean's dreams were full of memories. They were all good memories, like bad ones didn't even exist anymore. Somewhere along the way Dean thought he wouldn't mind reliving some crappy moment like when he had to leave Lisa's place for the first time. It would suit greatly to his mood right know. Dean opened his eyes to see that the sky was clear and there was not a tiniest cloud to be seen. The perfect weather.

That irritated him even more and he remembered to curse God for this too.

Dean rubbed his eyes and looked at the house. Castiel wasn't at the window anymore and Dean felt slightly disappointed. He had expected to see man there just staring at him like he had done the whole evening before. (And before and before and before and before...)

The man had seemed to be so happy when he saw Dean and for a moment he had been afraid to get an armful of awkward man hug from Castiel. It had clearly took much for to not to do that, which made Dean think, how long exactly Castiel had been here alone.

It took Dean a great moment and little self blame before he got himself out of the car to go to knock the front door. He thought that if they really had to spend the rest of the eternity there together, he could at least get to know the guy. Or at least apologize his major lever douchiness from before.

Dean was raising his hand to knock when the door was opened. It was Castiel and he seemed slightly surprised to see Dean there.

"Hello Dean", Castiel said and he looked even more like he had just woke up. His bed hair must have reached max level a long time ago. He had shaven his beard though and it was just stubble now.

"Um, hello", Dean answered awkwardly before lowering his hand.

"You… You don't need to knock", Castiel gestured awkwardly at Dean's hand, "This is your home too."

"Oh", the man just said and he recalled Castiel saying how this was their Heaven, so maybe it was just logical that they lived in the same house. Dean still wasn't ready to call it home, though.

"Well, ahh, yeah, I just thought I should-", Dean stammered and looked around just to avoid Castiel's piercing gaze.

"It is okay, Dean, I understand", Castiel said, which earned a questioning look from Dean.

"You don't need to apologize or anything. You died yesterday and I was too straight forward when we take that into account." The man let his gaze fall to floor and then rise back to Dean, "I just… I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

"All forgiven and forgotten", Dean said before even considering anything else. He wasn't particularly blaming Castiel for being straight forward. Not anymore at least, now that he had had some time to cool down and think some things through.

A smile so tiny and brief found its way to Castiel's face that Dean wasn't even sure, if he actually saw it.

"Please, come in. I'm not sure if you are hungry, but there is some apple pie in the fridge."

And at that moment Dean was ready to believe that he was in Heaven.

EDIT/Fixed few parts because I spot so many typos and mistakes that my eyes almost started to bleed.