Author's Notes: Reply to 'Letter to Sherlock' by detectivejigsaw, s/10548409/1/Letter-to-Sherlock. I encourage you to read that first.
The bold words are ones that are supposed to be crossed out, but DocManager won't let me.
Summary: Sherlock has found a heartfelt letter from John that deals with his feelings concerning Sherlock's death and return. This is his reply.
Letter to John
John,
I won't bore you with the details of how I found your letter. Suffice to say that I am a genius.
Sorry; I know. The 'showing off' thing. I cannot seem to help it.
As for the contents of your letter, let me offer you my response. Should you come across this, rest assured that I will not reveal in public anything you wrote in confidence.
(Does telling Gavin Geoff Lestrade count as making it public? One of these days I should probably listen when he tells me his first name.)
I know now that I caused you much pain by keeping it secret that I was alive for those two years. I could offer you my apologies again, but perhaps an explanation is better?
I did not see how badly I had hurt you, nor had I predicted as much. My mission was to stop Moriarty, and this was the way to do it. I expected to survive and return to London as soon as I had finished tearing down Moriarty's network. When I returned I tried to explain to you that I had often wanted to contact you, but I could not bring myself to risk either your life or the mission. You are a terrible actor, John. If it had been made known that I was alive, the consequences could have been fatal.
When I saw you in the restaurant, I knew you would get a shock, but not that you would be angry. Your reactions made me realise how angry and hurt you were, but I did not yet see, as I do now, that it was a perfectly normal reaction, and that I was the one in the wrong. I was not prepared to hear that you had been grieving for all that time, and it was difficult for me to fathom the reality of it.
However, I have since had time to reflect. Apparently, I underestimated your regard for me. It still puzzles me, much as I hate to admit anything that leaves me baffled, but I will make an exception. This once. Do try not to take advantage of it. What I mean is that you were more upset by my death than I ever anticipated. While I do not regret protecting you or the mission, it does pain me to know that I was the cause of your grief. Forgive me. Again.
Perhaps this is not the right timing to say so, but as painful as that first meeting was (and I'm not just talking about your punches, though I do believe you show your anger in the most explicit way. I suppose you wanted to make me hurt as well. I understand), I had been looking forward to seeing you again. Our partnership and friendship was what I missed the most during those two years. During that time it never occurred to me, however, that you missed it just as much. Though I knew you must have missed the thrill of the chase, and us working together. It appeals to your need of danger and the cameraderie you experienced in the army. So when I came back, I was expecting to be met with joy to be engaged again in our work, and with understanding of the necessity of what I had done. Instead, you were angry. I quickly caught up with your reasons, but even so I did not at the time appreciate the depth of your affections. I think I did not fully understand them until you asked me to be your best man. Relationships of any kind are really not my area, as you must know by now.
I am glad you came back to Baker St. later, though I was surprised to see you. You were finally open to talking to me and I was afraid of reigniting your anger. I almost did, didn't I? But you stayed and you worked with me. I knew you had not yet forgiven me, so when I got the chance to trick you into it, I took it. Sorry, but I needed you to forgive me properly. As I have said before (though admittedly in jest) I am lost without my blogger. So thank you for being my friend once again.
I believe I managed all this without mocking you (much). Good?
Sherlock
P.S. How could you have known? But if you had, I am sure you would have been much more careful with how you dealt out your blows. And you're welcome.