A/N: At the behest of NarutoAdmirer21 I've elected to post the rewrite of this story. Quite a bit has changed so if you're reading this and have already read this story, you might want to consider giving it another look.
Or not. Maybe you're new here.
Either way, enjoy!
You know, for a guy who sees everything, Izaya can be really blind sometimes. Seriously, how does he not know? Did this honestly catch him by surprise? When I stopped actually trying to kill him it should have been obvious. Everyone else noticed even people I didn't know. I was practically kind to him. Why then did he do everything in his power to piss me off? Why did he want me to fight him?
Why am I lying in this alley, bleeding out, while he prods me with his toe? I wish he'd fucking stop, it hurts. Guess Izaya really hates me if he'd kill someone who refused to lift a finger to fight back. Maybe I deserve this though after all the shit I've done to him. Hell, dying alone with only my biggest rival and my worst mistake is probably poetic or some shit and god knows Izaya's always been one for poetry. He probably thinks this is funny.
This whole thing would have been easier if I'd never stopped hating him. Maybe I could have actually fought back then, stopped him from going half mad and trying to kill me. Succeeding in killing me if I've got anything to say about it. But fate can be fucking hilarious like that. Nothing would have ever changed, except somehow, I managed to catch the flea at the very moment he was weakest and I realized he's only human. Probably it's weak of me, but I couldn't hate him after that.
It's funny, I thought Izaya said he was a god, but I guess he was wrong. If he could be wrong about that then it made sense he could be wrong about other things. About how we could only ever hate each other, how he was eventually going to kill me and about my destiny to become a monster. That meant something, it was something I could hold onto when it felt like there was nothing else to keep me grounded. I could still chase him but I never again tried to kill him. Not really. I'd pretend, sure, but only because it was easier than admitting how much things had changed.
Only a matter of time, I guess, till it was more than just a question of not hating him and instead of loving him.
Ow, shit! God, what does he expect is gonna happen if he keeps kicking me? It's not as if I'm going to get up again. Exhausted, I think, Dammit flea, I'm done! Can't you see that?
Fuck, everything hurts. Just how many times did he stab me? Too many. The moment I lost count was too many.
One was too many but I'll put up with it. I seem to put up with a lot of Izaya's shit. Whatever, I still can't bring myself to hate him back. Of all the ways to go, looking up at the face of the person you love, even if they hate you, is an okay one I guess. Ha, always knew I'd die looking at him, I just didn't expect it to be like this. I kind of expected it to be a little more flashy and a little less back alley, surrounded by stinking trash and my own blood.
Now he's frowning at me like I've done something wrong. Why is he looking at me with that face? Stop it, please. Heh, at least he's stopped laughing at me, that shit was really pissing me off. This is sorta better than that. Less sharp and pointed, more like a light touch than a hot knife.
"Get up Shizu-chan."
Great, now he's trying to talk to me. How funny, he really must think I'm a dumb beast now, unable to answer him. Weakly, I shake my head. It takes more out of me than I expect it to.
He's probably going to launch into one of those clichéd monologs like they do in every fucking movie ever made. The only difference is that he's smart enough to do it while I'm already dead. He'll watch me bleed out as he contemplates my pathetic existence and laments how I wasn't a good enough opponent in the end. I can already see the fake tear he'll wipe away mockingly at my lonely demise. My only complaint is that he'll be smirking while he does it. I hate that smirk because he always wears it while explaining shit to me in such a way that makes me feel like I'm a fucking idiot.
Now that I think about it, he isn't actually grinning right now. He kinda looks annoyed at me, to be honest. Almost like he's frustrated with a dying man. Wouldn't put it past him... "I told you to get up you stupid protozoan." Izaya practically hisses at me, jabbing me viciously with his foot.
Like telling me again is going to change anything. I can't move idiot. Probably I should try to manage a few words at least, maybe convince him to stop kicking me. That would be a nice change, you know. Kindness instead of Izaya's usual brand of casual cruelty. Cracking a smile, I grunt out, "Can't, 'm dead." For some reason, after all this time spent trying to kill me, those words upset Izaya. The little lines that form between his eyes are a dead giveaway. It's kinda cute actually…
"No you aren't," he insists.
He's pretty fucking stubborn, I'll give him that. Of course I'm fucking dying. Can't he see the blood pooling around my body? Has he been struck with sudden blindness? Is he honestly in denial over the death of one of his worst enemies? He looks alarmed, surprised like he didn't expect upwards of fifty stab wounds to leave a dent in me. Something about the desperation in his crimson eyes makes me want to laugh.
So I do. The laugh splits from me, bringing up blood.
"Stop it. Stop laughing!" He's acting borderline frantic and it isn't helping matters. It only makes me laugh harder.
"This isn't funny," he spits.
But it is. I get now why he always laughs at inappropriate times like this. It's seriously funny when the person hurting you suddenly stops to tell you not to die. I don't know much about irony, but that shit's seriously ironic. Ah well, laughing is pure agony right now so I'll probably just stop anyway.
As the raven finally stops kicking me, I fall silent. Slowly, the world spins back into place for a moment and I can see the sky through the close apartments. It's deep blue, almost black. Calming where the situation is technically anything but. This is better, much better. When it's silent I can almost pretend Izaya doesn't hate me. Although I'm betting that convincing myself of that is a lost cause. Knowing Izaya, he won't let me forget just how much he despises me as I'm lulled into my grave by peaceful air and lack of blood.
"You stupid brute, I didn't stab you that hard." Izaya sounds fucking terrified. His lip is caught between his teeth and his eyes are wide and overly bright. The only time I've seen him this scared is the day I stopped hating him, the day he was running from something so terrible, he couldn't even laugh. The absolute fear in his eyes then was so human it hurt. Almost like all his masks were finally gone and I was actually looking at Izaya.
But now he looks afraid and I can't figure out why. There isn't enough blood going to my brain to guess. He hates me, fucking despises the very ground I walk on, why should he care that I'm dying? Blinking slowly, I watch as Izaya kneels down next to me, eyes flicking over my bleeding body, assessing the damage. Even Izaya has to know he can't do anything. It's a dim thought, but it's there. Whatever this business of looking over my wounds is, he has to know it's useless. He's shaking as he presses two fingers against my neck, probably checking my pulse. At any other time, I'd be confused but right now, my mind's too fuzzy to contemplate the implications of what's happening.
"You aren't dying," he repeats under his breath, fear still spiking in his eyes. "Stop bleeding out Shizu-chan." Since when has he been able to order me to do anything?
Even though it hurts like hell, I laugh again, hating the blood that comes up as I do so. Strangely enough, Izaya doesn't seem to care when it splatters on the edges of his coat. Why does the flea think he can stop me from dying just by telling me not to? I know he says he's god but I've never seen him try to play god before. I'm not complaining though. I prefer this treatment to him trying to kill me, whether I know the cause of this change of heart or not. The warmth from his fingers manages to permeate the cold numbness of death. Honestly, it's comforting.
"You can't die, we haven't finished our game." Izaya grinds out, hands twitching like he can't decide what to do. Almost like he wants to help but doesn't quite know how. So that's why he's upset. It makes more sense now because clearly, the man who hates me would never care about what happens to me. It was stupid to think otherwise. Not that I did, I like to pride myself in not being a hopeless romantic in any sense of the word.
I almost wish I was, but... I'm too grounded in reality. Even with Izaya leaning over me like this, almost like he's in prayer, I'm not stupid.
"Finished," I mumble, forcing the word past lips that won't work right. "You win." There's too much emotion in the carmine orbs that stare into mine. As the words dissipate in the air between us, I see his mind scrambling for some way out of this situation. Like it's even a bad one for him. The flea should be happy he's won; maybe disappointed because I didn't prove more of a challenge but there shouldn't be that much fucking terror in those eyes. Fear doesn't suit him, it makes him look too much like the rest of us. Low and painfully human.
"You idiot," he hisses, trying to staunch the flow of blood from my chest with his slim fingers. It's not doing shit. I feel like I should point this out to him, but I don't, because I like that pressure on my chest, a last ditch attempt to hold me together. "Why didn't you fight back?" Why does he care? Shouldn't he be glad I didn't fight him? If I had, I might have hurt him. Surely, he wouldn't have wanted that.
As more of my life ebbs away, internal and external wounds killing me faster than I would have thought possible, I wonder if I should tell Izaya why. It's a supremely stupid thought. He'll probably vanish the moment the words leave my mouth, disgusted that I hold any emotions for him but hatred. He's so simple minded sometimes, so black and white, if it hits him wrong, he'll bolt. I know Izaya like the back of my hand and if there's one thing I don't want, it's to die alone. I'd prefer it if the flea stays with me, right up until when I finally go. Almost like a deathbed, except less comfortable and more abrupt.
"Shizu-chan," Is he… pleading? Why the hell is he looking at me like that? "Why didn't you stop me?" Izaya's eyes are overly bright, reminding me of some kind of jewel or something. I'm not even sure where the comparison comes from, I'm just thinking crazy right now. Taking off his precious coat, he holds it against my worst injuries, panic in his movements. I can't even begin to understand why he would do something like that. "Answer me you dumb brute," he orders sharply.
I guess I don't have anything left to lose, I decide, closing my eyes so I don't have to look at that pained expression anymore. The only thing I have left to lose is him, and believe me, I'd already lost that from the moment I met him. Shit, this isn't going to go over well. He's going to hate me, more than he already does I mean. If that's even possible. I don't know why he's trying to save me now but I know he's going to stop once I open my mouth.
Maybe that's for the best though. I don't deserve his kindness.
"Promise you won't leave." I manage, the strain evident in my tone. It's such a foolish demand, I feel stupid just voicing it. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, trying to block out the harsh laugh I'm expecting.
"Stupid beast, just answer the question!" Izaya snaps, fear overflowing from him like water from a busted dam. "Stop acting childish Shizu-chan, you aren't dying."
Slowly, I part my lips and whisper, "Cause," My wet coughing cuts me off for a moment. "Cause I love you- shitty flea…" There's silence, heart-stopping silence. Hesitantly I open my eyes, needing to at least see his reaction.
The surprise my admission has brought is evident, so too is the sharp shudder that passes through Izaya and into me. He remains frozen for a moment, just staring at me with wide eyes. I can't tell what he's thinking, whether condemning or otherwise. The silence is frustrating, the look on his face even more so. Then I cough and he snaps back into reality. Suddenly leaping into motion, the raven above me shuffles through the pockets of his blood stained coat before pulling out a cellphone. "Don't you dare die on me Shizuo," he whispers, applying more pressure to my wounds, less reckless and more methodical in his movements. "I won't let you." Funny, I don't think I've ever heard him use my real name...
Unsure as to why he's still there, I let my eyelids droop shut once more, relaxing slightly. I've said my piece and now I can die without regrets which is more than I ever hoped for. It's too late for me, I know it is but I'll let Izaya do and say what he wants because at least he isn't leaving me here alone. Maybe it'll make him feel better when he's reading my obituary in the paper, knowing that he at least tried to help. The long and the short of it is, for some reason he's staying, and that honestly is all I can really think about what with the blood draining from me and onto the stone below us.
"Open your eyes," The flea barks, "Don't go to sleep."
Let me die in peace, I think wearily as drag my eyes open and look up at him. I'm shocked to see him wiping away the tears that are gathering in the corners of his eyes. Noticing my expression, Izaya instantly turns away, flipping his phone open with one hand and clicking through his contacts at a speed I can hardly believe while still pressing at his coat, ever adamant in his attempts to slow the bleeding.
Turning back to me, he narrows his wet eyes and glances down at the screen briefly before looking up, watching my face intently as he lifts the earpiece to his head and waits for the person on the other end to pick up. Dimly, I wonder who he's calling before blood loss whisks the thought away. Dammit, nothing's sticking anymore. I can't even keep my head together. My vision's getting blurrier and my breaths, shallower. I'm not going to last much longer, no matter what the flea says.
"Shinra, I need your help right now." Izaya snaps into the phone. I know now he's definitely trying to save me but in this state, I can't even begin to understand why. Watching me with what I now assume is fear, even if I can no longer see it through the darkness clouding my eyes, he quickly rattles off the street we're on and which alley I happen to be dying in. "Send Celty please."
He waits for a moment longer before grinding out, "Does it matter what's wrong Shirna, you'll find out soon enough. I don't have the patience to explain myself right now." Another moment of silence. "No I am not crying nor am I scared. Please shut up and do something useful for once." Clicking his tongue he hangs up and bites his lip, staring at me. "Just a few minutes longer," he mumbles, though whether to me or himself I can't be sure. "Just a few more minutes, I promise, someone's coming for you."
Unable to keep them open any longer, my eyes start to close. Unexpectedly, Izaya grabs my hand and growls, "Don't you dare do this to me." As he speaks he shakes my arm, sending pain through the slashes that litter it from his knives. "Don't die, please."
It's the last thing I hear before I'm finally granted the peace of unconsciousness.
A/N: Yep, fun, right?
Man, you forget how angsty you made this stuff until you look at it again.