This is my first Eragon fanfiction, and since I loathe this book like no other, it will most likely be my last. It is a parody, meaning it really has nothing to do with the real book aside from the names of characters and places. I know some facts are untrue, but that's just because I haven't read this book since last December and took most of the names from opening the book in random spots and reading the page. Also, I am not Christopher Paolini, meaning I did not create Eragon. The idea is purely mine, though. This is also not meant to offend fans of the book... it's just so you can have a good, hearty LAUGH! So please, enjoy : ) Reviews would be nice!
Eeraggin' and the Ultra Super Special Utterly Wonderful Fabulous n' Fantastic Dragon-ish Adventure!
It was a fantastically happy day in Eragonland. Just kidding! It wasn't ERAGONLAND! Such a silly place doesn't exist! It was REALLY a fantastically happy day in Du Weldenvarden, because the sun was smiling and I don't even remember what Du Weldenvarden is and don't feel like looking it up. Our good buddy Eragon came out of his silly sleep in Du Weldenvarden and smiled to himself and to Roran.
"Today's going to be a fabulous day," Eragon shrieked, waking his cousin up.
Roran didn't mind. "Yes, it will, cousin!" he cheered. Since their house had been burned down by those meanies THE RA'ZAC, they lived in Du Weldenvarden, because I said so. They lived there for free, because I think Du Weldenvarden is a forest and the trees don't mind if humans live in their happy company.
After a quick, inadequate breakfast of tree leaves and dirt, Eragon decided to wake Saphira.
"SUH-FEAR-UH!" he shouted gaily, right into the dragon's ear.
"HELLO, EE-RAG-IN!" Saphira awoke instantly, talking to Eragon with her super special dragon-ish mind powers.
"WHAT did you just call me?" Eragon demanded, tapping his foot and placing his hands on his hips overdramatically.
"EE-RAG-IN!" Roran repeated. He had heard what Saphira said too because it would be really annoying if Eragon had to repeat everything Saphira said right after you already read it once. Roran really didn't HAVE to be there, but with a name like RORAN, EVERYTHING is more fun!
"That is not my name," Eragon pouted. Thank you, Captain Obvious!
"Oh well," Saphira shrugged. "So what's for breakfast?"
"Leaves n' dirt!" Roran replied.
"But I want some RED MEAT!" Saphira argued. In case you couldn't tell, she wanted some red meat.
"Well, we don't got none!" Roran shrugged, because no teenager talks as formally as they do in that silly trilogy.
"I WANT SOME RED MEAT!"
Perhaps Eragon would have suggested she go hunting before they go on their journey of finding more Du Weldenvardian leaves for dinner, but he had not heard Saphira's declaration of yearning for red meat. He was far too busy thing of WHY his dear dragon would call him EE-RAG-IN. That most certainly was NOT his name! He did not know how to spell his name because he forgot, but he knew it wasn't spelled as ABSURDLY as THAT!
"AIR-UH-GAHN," Eragon said slowly as Roran and Saphira continued arguing about RED MEAT. "AIR-UH-GAHN!"
The dragon and not-dragon stopped bickering for a minute to stare at Eragon. "HUH?" Saphira grunted, because she has a short attention span and wasn't listening to that crazy kid anyway.
"AIR-UH-GAHN! AIR-UH-GAHN!" Eragon chanted as if he were at a basketball game, which was rather silly because he doesn't know what basketball is. All he knows is FARMING, HUNTING, and DRAGON-ING.
"What's THAT?" Roran asked with his nose turned up as if Eragon were an offensive word.
"My name!" Eragon declared.
"But... I thought your name was EE-RAG-IN," Saphira raised her imaginary eyebrows and stared her dragony stare. Boy howdy, did she wish she had eyebrows!
"No it ain't!" Eragon—who will now be spelled as Eeraggin' to make him angry—yelled.
"Oh em gee, you don't have to get so MAD," Roran scoffed, throwing an imaginary ponytail over his shoulder.
"As I was saying... I WANT SOME RED MEAT!"
"Do you guys know what this MEANS?" Eeraggin' asked them. The dragon and not-dragon didn't know, so Eeraggin' had to tell them, even though he was going to anyway. "It means we have to go on a big stinkin' adventure that takes up lots of pages!"
"YEAH!" Roran and Saphira were very excited. All of them started to dance and sing The Adventure Song, which goes a little something like this:
Ahem.
WE GOIN' ON AN ADVENTURE!
NA NA NA NA NA VENTURE!
WE AIN'T GONNA WEAR NO DENTURES!
CUZ WE GOIN' ON AN ADVENTURE!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
After dancing for a few minutes to absolutely no music, Saphira broke the happy.
"Why are we going on an adventure?" she wondered.
"WE HAVE TO!" Roran cried, because you can't sing The Adventure Song and NOT go on an adventure!
"To get the extra letters out of my name!" Eeraggin' declared. He had only thought of that two seconds ago, but didn't want his comrades to be angry for deceiving them.
"WHERE WILL WE GO?" Saphira screamed.
"TO CARVAHALL!" Roran decided, because that's the only town name I remember.
"OKAY!" Eeraggin' agreed, because it was better than the idea he had, which was NOTHIN'!
After gathering some leaves to eat on the way, the trio began the deadly walk to Carvahall.
Absolutely nothing of importance happened on the trip from Du Weldenvarden to Carvahall, because I don't feel like writing about it. Oh FINE. Have it YOUR WAY.
On the boring journey to Carvahall, Saphira saw a ladybug. It got stuck to her eye and was a real doosy to get off. One time Eeraggin' shouted "URGAL!" and everyone thought he was serious. He wasn't. It was just one of those scary hood-wearing Ra'zac. Gotcha! There was nothing. Really. Five minutes into the trip, Roran got tired and had to sit down. Then he felt better, and they started walking, just to have the process start again in five more minutes. Then they all realized how SILLY it was to walk when you have a DRAGON! So Eeraggin' and Roran rode Saphira in broad daylight the rest of the way because A) they're lazy B) I said so and 3) Although it was painful, it WAS quicker.
Because that paragraph was so unnecessary, Eeraggin' wanted to sing The Adventure Song.
Ahem.
WE GOIN' ON AN ADVENTURE!
NA NA NA NA NA NA VENTURE!
…
Oh no! He forgot the words! Just kidding. He did add an extra "NA" though. He only couldn't finish the song because they had arrived at Carvahall! Eeraggin' WOULD'VE sung The Carvahall Song, but he was just so excited he couldn't speak, and I don't feel like making up another silly song!
I hope Carvahall is the town with all of those shops, because if it isn't… IT IS NOW! Eeraggin' and Roran threw an overcoat on Saphira to make her look like a human, and they waltzed (literally) down the street to that crazy Sloan's butcher shop.
"HELLO SLOAN!" Eeraggin' greeted the grumpy old fart while Roran opened and closed the butcher shop door multiple times because he liked the ringing noise. Saphira couldn't fit through the door, being a DRAGON and all, so she took the roof off of the butcher shop so she could see what was happening.
"Oh. If it isn't EERAGGIN'. Come to steal me goods, have yeh?" Sloan slammed on the dead deer he was butchering with his hands because I don't know what else they eat in Eragonland and Sloan would be a good pirate name. "WELL YEH CAN'T HAVE ANY!"
"RED MEAT!" Saphira cried, snapping up the deer with her teeth because unlike you, she eats with her mouth. Sloan didn't really care because he's a grumpy old fart and Roran had a good, hearty laugh. Is deer red meat?
"We need your help!" Eeraggin' said to Sloan. He should've asked someone that wasn't so USELESS, but Sloan is the only character I remember, aside from Eeraggin', Roran, Saphira, Arya, and Brom, but Arya hasn't come yet and who really wants BROM in their story? Come ON.
"Oh? What's that, lassie? You need ol' SLOAN to assist yeh?" Sloan was beaming with pride and wouldn't remember his Eeraggin' loathing until after they left.
"We need to remove the unnecessary letters from Eeraggin's name!" Saphira grunted.
"Hmm… that ain't somethin' a useless butcher such as m'self can assist with," Sloan stroked his chin and got some icky dear goo on his face.
"Well… do you know anyone who's NOT a useless butcher?" Eeraggin' was panting in anticipation of what Sloan might say.
"YEAH!" Sloan screamed, and Eeraggin' was ecSTATIC! "He lives in the secret elf fortress thing I think is called Tronjheim and I'm not supposed to know about!" Sloan even forgot he was a pirate at the chance of being useful.
"What's his name?" Saphira asked all interested-like.
"IT'S A SECRET!" Sloan threw his arms in the air in a dramatic gesture.
"How do we get there?" Roran smiled, hoping it was a really long journey so he would have many chances to sing The Adventure Song and converse words of red meat.
"Well first you haftuh go through the SPINE."
"THE HORROR!" Everyone shrieked.
"Then… you haftuh go to HELGRIND!" Sloan decided. He was making it up on the spot! That silly man really had no idea how to get to Tronjheim. He just wanted revenge on that blue dragon for eating his possibly red meat.
"NO! NOT HELGRIND!" Everyone shrieked.
"Then… you haftuh… CROSS THE HADARAC DESERT!"
"NO!"
"And finally… A GATE WILL POP OUT OF NOWHERE AND YOU'LL BE IN TRONJHEIM!"
"YAY!"
After leaving with absolutely no supplies but a piece of cotto salami and a nickel, Saphira put the roof back on the butcher shop and THEY WERE OFF!
Ahem.
WE GOIN' ON AN ADVENTURE!
NA NA NA NA NA VENTURE!
WE AIN'T GONNA WEAR NO DENTURES!
CUZ WE GOIN' ON AN ADVENTURE!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
DAY ONE!
On DAY ONE! they walked! They walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked until they had absolutely NO idea where they were going! Oh no!
"Ah well. Let's go back to Du Weldenvarden," Roran shrugged.
"No!" Eeraggin' whined. "We have to fix my name!"
"What do I care? It's not MY name," Roran pointed out. Selfish Roran. SPIT ON YOU!
"Eeraggin'… look! The cotto salami is GLOWING!" Saphira pointed a dragony claw at the circle of meat dangling from Eeraggin's trouser pocket.
Eeraggin' gently picked up the cotto salami. It was INDEED glowing. Roran giggled because I used the word INDEED.
"What's happening?" Eeraggin' whispered, and then the seemingly ordinary meat grew a face! It was no longer ordinary meat product! It was a FACE! The face of none other than… wait for it… ARYA! See? Didn't I say she would come?
Arya's face sneezed on a peppercorn before speaking. "Hello, Eeraggin'. Saphira. Roran." She spoke. As she spoke, the salami oozed pus! Just kidding. It oozed snot because of Arya's sneeze.
"ARYA!" Eeraggin' exclaimed. It was so refreshing to see a face other than dragon and not-dragon's for a whole DAY.
"Have you come to give direction?" Saphira asked Arya. She didn't really care because she was a flying dragon that could get them to Tronjheim in about an hour, but she knew that Eeraggin' and Roran were too dense to remember she could fly TWICE in one story! Plus, she also thought it fun to watch them make fools of themselves… which wasn't hard!
"No," Arya cooed, much to their disappointment. "You see, I am not Arya. I am a piece of cotto salami."
"AND?" Roran shouted as if he could give a better reason as to why this LUNCH MEAT suddenly started talking.
"Arya has sent me to guide you," Salami told them. "You shall call me… SALAMI."
"YAY!"
Then it was the end of DAY ONE! because I'm sick of writing about this first day.
DAY FIVE!
Salami was a rather bad instruction-giver, so it took FIVE WHOLE DAYS to reach the Spine. I COULD summarize all that happened in those few days in a matter of sentences, but I don' t feel like it and it's basically the same as the last unnecessary paragraph, with the addition of Salami. Ladybugs sure are sticky!
"URGAL!" That silly Eeraggin' shouted, and nobody believed him because he had been shouting that every day since DU WELDENVARDEN! Remember that? Too bad nobody believed him because there really WAS and Urgal this time! There were two! Maybe even three! Eeraggin' didn't know because he's not a mathematician and I haven't decided how many are there yet.
"Stop," Salami sighed. She despised Urgals, especially since they thoroughly enjoy processed meats.
"drajl!" one of the now five Urgals declared, because that's all they ever say. Now there were six Urgals! Man, those things reproduce like THAT!
One of the thirty-seven Urgals was trying to eat Salami. Because of this, Saphira became ENRAGED. She stepped on all forty-two at the same time, because if you think about it, Urgals ARE pretty small, if you squint or look at one from far away. Anyway, this made Saphira even MORE angry because now she had Urgal juice on her paw. Poor dragon. She wiped it off on a tree and told Eeraggin' to stop yelling "URGAL!"
DAY SEVEN!
After singing The Adventure Song 1,627 times in the entire journey, Roran decided it was like totally his favorite song. Roran also decided he was HUNGRY!
"I IS HUNGRY!" he declared with bad grammar.
Salami gulped. She had been dreading those words for the past week.
"HEY LOOK!" Eeraggin' pointed to a speck in the distance that would soon become larger. "There's Helgrind!"
This was a fabulous thing because EVERYONE knows that Helgrind is a secret FAST FOOD RESTAURANT! Good thing Eeraggin' had brought a NICKEL! What a SMART GUY!
They took a step forward and were magically transported to Helgrind's main gate, because I didn't feel like telling you about the five minute journey they WOULD'VE had to endure if this wasn't fiction.
"Welcome to Helgrind!" a voice from the drive/walk through window chirped happily. Despite the intimidating fire and darkness, Helgrind really IS a great place for families!
"What can I get for five cents?" Eeraggin' asked the Helgrind Lady.
"A French fry, a sip of cola, or an ancient cheeseburger!" Helgrind Lady replied as if this were a question that was asked EVERY DAY.
"We'll take the ancient cheeseburger," Roran ordered, because although it was ancient, it was still more than the French fry or soda, and MORE meant MORE TO SHARE! Oh Roran, maybe you aren't so selfish after all! WIPE SPIT OFF!
Helgrind Lady gave them the magnificent ancient cheeseburger. It was so old it was FOSSILIZED! No matter how hard Eeraggin' tried, he couldn't break it! Oh no!
"WHAT SHOULD WE DO?" Roran grunted with the caps lock on. He grabbed the rock burger and threw it against the ground to try to make it break. IT WOULDN'T BREAK! Since Roran decided he was going to be an old humbug, he shoved the "burger" in his mouth... WITHOUT ANYONE'S CONSENT!
Saphira began to cry because she hasn't been mentioned in a while. How she missed eating red meat!
"That was like SO RUDE," Eeraggin' snapped. He was angry... and even more so... HE WAS HUNGRY!
Roran got what he deserved though, because all of the teeth in his mouth just plain BROKE! Haha! Just kidding. He really just got a toothache, he was still hungry, and I SPIT ON HIM!
Oh well. Everyone just ignored it and ate some yummy dirt! Everything was exactly the same as it was a page back except for now Roran had a spitty toothache, and Eeraggin' was nickel-less.
DAY TEN!
On DAY TEN! everyone died from starving! Just kidding. They were just bored and everything tasted like dirt... BECAUSE IT WAS DIRT!
Saphira decided to locate where they were by using the map at the beginning of the book and her super special dragon-ish powers.
"We're in the Hadarac Desert," she told them. IT WAS A LIE! They were REALLY in... CALIFORNIA! Because somehow, there's a way to get from Eragonland to Califor-ni-ay, and I need to think of a way to make this story longer! Silly dragon!
"Any minute now..." Roran whispered. He was expecting a magic gate to pop out of nowhere like that silly pirate/butcher Sloan had made up. He had sang The Adventure Song 2,000 times in these ten days, but just THINK of how much paper that would take up if I typed it out that many times! He really wanted to sing The Hadarac Desert Song, but he didn't. He thought it was because he couldn't remember how, but it was really because you can't sing The Hadarac Desert Song if you're not in the Hadarac Desert! And they were in California! So he settled for another hundred Adventure Songs.
"ARYA!" Salami screamed when they entered Disneyland because she was a lunch meat with good vision. It was so refreshing to see a face other than all those silly people's for TEN WHOLE DAYS!
Too bad it was Arya... it was KATRINA! Yes, KATRINA! I guess Salami's vision wasn't as great as I said before! Chuckle chuckle!
"Uhh," Katrina said, letting out a low grunt because she's part bullfrog. Why is she part bullfrog, you ask? BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER WHO SHE REALLY IS! AND I WANTED TO MAKE SOMEONE GRUNT!
"Katrina..." Roran smiled. Oh, how precious!
"what are you guys doing here" Katrina grunted with no punctuation.
"We're on our way to Tronjheim," Eeraggin' said like a REAL MAN!
"whats that" Katrina asked, forgetting her punctuation again. What a silly Katrina!
"We need to find the elves to get rid of the unnecessary letters in Eeraggin's name," Roran said like a REAL NOT-DRAGON!
"uhh" Katrina grunted. She decided she was going to come with, because EVERY story is more fun when you add a BULLFROG!
DAY FOURTEEN!
Hey, guess what! DAY FOURTEEN! On DAY FOURTEEN! Saphira decided she should tell them they were going the wrong way. She was about to open her large mouth when suddenly, Katrina made a bullfrog noise and a big gate popped up out of THIN AIR! It was the gate to DAIRY QUEEN! Just kidding. It was the gate to... wait for it... TRONJHEIM!
"YES!" Roran bellowed, because after 2,600 + times, The Adventure Song was no longer his favorite. Since they had now reached their destination, he could start singing THE DESTINATION SONG! Which goes a little something like THIS:
Wait for it...
WE REACHED OUR DESTINATION!
NA NA NA NA NA NATION!
WE AIN'T GONNA SOLVE NO FRACTIONS!
CUZ WE REACHED OUR DESTINATION!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
They danced for a few minutes, minus the salami and the bullfrog. There was (ONCE AGAIN!) NO MUSIC! But since they weren't solving fractions, everyone was JOYOUS! Because EVERYONE is happy when there are no pesky fractions to solve!
The gate to Tronjheim was about to close, so the fictional characters had to cut their fictional dance short by 1.5 minutes. Everyone clambered inside the gate. It was like an elevator in that silly place! Only it reeked of URGAL. And BELIEVE ME, Urgal SMELLS.
"Goin' down!" Eeraggin' said with glee as he pushed that silly red button that read "Tronjheim". He really wished he was in first grade! Doesn't everyone?
…what?
After 3.02 minutes, the magical elevator came to a HALT! Oh no! The trip was supposed to be 3.03 minutes, so why did it stop?
"uhh" Katrina grunted. Because she has magical bullfrog powers, the elevator went down for another second. GOOD THING they had met in Disneyland, because if she wasn't there, our friends may have been in some SERIOUS trouble!
The elevator opened and the strange mix of characters got out. Eeraggin' was first! The hall they were in now was SO SMALL our hero could barely fit! If HE could barely fit, I wonder how SAPHIRA got through! I guess it'll just be MY LITTLE SECRET!
Eventually, the hall expanded and they were in a brilliant room! It was big and marble white and deserves more imagery than one sentence, but I'm already on the bottom of written page 15 and one of my pens has already ran out of ink! That silly Eragon parody! Changing from blue ink to black ink on written page 13! WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO?
So anyway, the room was big and white and deserving. GOOD THING it was so big! That meant that Saphira could stretch her wings! She hadn't done that in MINUTES!
"Eeraggin'. You have come."
Arya materialized in front of them like a silly elf and bowed.
"ARYA!" Salami declared, and this time… SHE WAS RIGHT!
"Thank you, Salami. Your job is done," Arya told her, and Salami hopped away or at least TRIED TO before that hungry Saphira ate her. OH NO! I THOUGHT THEY WERE FRIENDS?
"Eeraggin'…"
There was a creepy voice resonating off of the big white walls.
"YES MA'AM!" Eeraggin' shouted, although the voice was certainly MALE.
"Eeraggin'… I know why you have come…" creepy voice said.
An intimidating chair that had been left unnoticed until this paragraph turned around from its place in the corner of the room randomly and there sat… JEOD! No, it wasn't Jeod, because I don't know who that is! It was really…
SLOAN!
"AH!" All of those crazy people and elf and dragon and bullfrog and not-dragon yelled. Not only did Sloan look semi useful, he also looked… CLEAN!
"Like, yeah right," Roran flipped his ponytail over his shoulder. "You don't know why Eeraggin' is here."
"Yes I do.
"You see, Eeraggin', you have come to rid yourself of the unnecessary letters. But you did not stop to think that POSSIBLY… Eeraggin' could be your true name."
"But I thought my true name was Argetla—?"
"SHH!" everyone shushed, because Argetlam is a SECRET NAME THAT MUST NOT BE SHARED BY ANY! I THINK!
"Eeraggin'… I tried to trick you. Ever since you were a small boy, I've known this day would come. I've PRETENDED to be a butcher… I've PRETENDED to be a pirate… I've treated you BADLY… but only because I was AFRAID! I tried to make it look like I didn't know where Tronjheim is… BUT I KNEW! And I TOLD YOU! Because I knew in my heart that you NEEDED to know the truth!
"So… are you ready to hear the truth?"
"I AM" Eeraggin' was so ready he forgot the comma.
"Your name isn't Eeraggin'. It is not even ERAGON. Your name is… DRAGON."
"HUH?"
"You see…. the editor of Eragon meant to spell Dragon on the front cover, but hit the wrong computer key. I'm sorry. It was a typo."
"NO!"
"It's an easy mistake. …I'm sorry."
Dragon was too upset to answer. He didn't care that my pen had full ink and there was a whole other back page of loose-leaf to cover with silly words. He wanted the story to end NOW!