Harry Potter and Autism
My house is on fire and it is completely my fault.
"BOIII, why the fuck is the house on fire?" the big man screams at me.
"Sorry, big man, a dragon came and set this house on fire!" I scream while I try to get out of here.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BOIIIII?" the big big guy screams again. Why can't he shut the hell up?
We have to run from here.
Suddenly, a big guy who's even bigger than my big guy comes and gets in my way as I try to escape.
"YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY!" he screams and I stop running.
"I'm a what?" I hear myself ask.
"WIZARD, HARRY!" the man shouts again, but I don't have time for this crap. I run outside and suddenly
something hits me and I'm lying on the street.
"HOLY FUCK, BRITNEY, I THINK WE KILLED A CHILD!" I hear someone screaming in the distance. My vision is all blurry and I can't
see a thing.
"YOU'RE DEAD, HARRY!" I hear the very big man scream.
"MY HOUSE IS ON FUCKING FIRE, CAN SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF IT FIRST?" Vernon screams as my vision begins to return to me.
I slowly get up and see that the house is still burning and a lot of people, including the two big guys and some guys from fire department are staring at me.
"What are you looking at, the house is on fire," I say and point to my house. The fireman nod and start to shoot the burning building with their pistols.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING TO MY HOUSE?" Vernon screams at them while the bigger man looks at me.
"You're alive, Harry!" he says, though a bit more quiet this time.
I look down and notice I'm covered in blood.
"I think I am," I respond and feel myself losing conciousness.
"YOU'RE MY BITCH, HARRY!" I wake up to the sound of someone screaming directly in my face.
"No, I'm not," I say and open my eyes. I see darkness. Fuck.
"YOU'RE BLIND, HARRY!" I cringe at the smell of someone's breath and try to get up.
"Who the fuck is screaming at me? Also, brush your fucking teeth," I say.
"Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore" I hear the man respond.
"Well, professor, excuse me, but I have important matters to attend to," I say and get up, not waiting for an answer.
"And what matters would that be?" the man asks.
"I need to go to the bathroom," I explain.
"YOU'RE A BATHROOM, HARRY!" I hear the scream again and try to cover my ears.
"Not to worry, boy, you can just pee here and it will magically teleport to the nearest sink," the professor explains.
"But I have to take a shit," I whisper.
"It's okay Harry, just shit in your pants, the house-elves will clean it anyway," Albus says.
Well, alright, I can't hold it anyway. I concentrate and take the biggest shit of my life.
As I'm doing it, I hear loud moaning from somewhere in the room and it makes me rather uncomfortable.
"YOU'RE HARRY'S SHIT, SHIT!" the big man screams and I hear a sound, probably a gunshot.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY HOUSE YOU FUCKING IDIOTS?" I hear my uncle's screams in the distance.
"Okay, I'm done shitting," I announce and sit on the bed again.
"Good job Harry, 10 points to Gryffindor!" the professor guy says. However, I can still feel the poo poo in my pants.
Suddenly, I hear the sound of my pants cracking open, and feel my shit flying away from my asshole.
"SEE WHAT I'VE BECOME, HARRY POTTER?" I hear a shout.
"Hello, Tom," the professor says.
"YOU'RE SHIT, LORD VOLDEMORT!" I hear the big man scream from somewhere to my left.
"Avada Kedavra!" I hear the third voice, presumably belonging to my shit say, and a sound of something big falling on the floor to my left.
"10 points to Slytherin!" Albus says happily and I throw my eyeballs out of the windows.
"Tom, is your horcrux Harry's shit?" the professor asks and I jump out of the window, bored to death.