Remembering Her, an orphan black fanfic

A/N: This one's not edited at all, no second read-through after the product was finished. Blame it on the season finale alright? So please disregard any mistakes and hope you enjoy anyways!

Also, this one's in first person. I just started writing it and it happened to be that way.

And just ignore the slashes. I wrote this story with very specific spacing in mind, but didn't want to disrupt the kinda continual flow that I intended for this fic to have, so I just used the slashes to break up the narrative.

"Cosima. Cosima Niehaus."

"Who?"

"Sarah... Sarah, it's me. Cosima. Cos?"

"Cosima... Cosima Niehaus..."

"Yes... yes, Sarah, that's me. Don't you remember?"

"Please... please remember."

"I'm Cosima, your... your friend."

Why had she hesitated on friend? Were we more than friends? Who was this woman, this... Cosima Niehaus? Who was she to me?

` "Why can't you remember? What happened to you Sarah?"

"I... I don't know."

"Cosima? Cos... Cosima Niehaus?"

"She's asking for you again." A voice, male. Was it familiar?

"I.. I don't know if I can. She doesn't remember." Another voice, female. Her tone was distressed, her words were choked. Was that my fault? Was I causing her pain?

"You have to. If there's something about you that she's remembering, then you need to go. She hasn't even asked for me and I'm her bloody brother." I have a brother? No... no, that didn't sound right. I was born an only child. I still am an only child. Wasn't I?

A sharp, bracing intake of breath, followed by the grate of metal against metal as the curtains to the bed were pushed back. My bed. Where was I?

"Sarah... hey," the gentle female voice said, and I finally opened my eyes to see where the noises and the voices were coming from.

"...Cosima?" I said uncertainly, looking at the other woman. Dreadlocks. Glasses. There's no way I would have met her before. So how did I know her name?

She looked like she was going to cry again, but she just swallowed and blinked fiercely a couple of times before nodding once. "Yeah... yeah Sarah. That's me. I'm Cosima."

"Where am I Cosima?" But the more prominent question bounced around in my head, who am I? Who am I, who is Sarah? Is that my name?

"You're... in the hospital Sarah," she replied hesitantly, something that I sensed wasn't normal for her. She seemed pretty outgoing. Maybe that's how we met. She approached me. She seems nice enough, anyways. Pretty cute too.

"Oh." Hospital. Hospital? "Why?"

"I was... I mean, we, the doctors... we're hoping that... that you could tell us," she said cautiously as she continued to stand by my bed. There was something in her posture, like she wanted to sit, to get close, but held back. I could see the physical strain in the clench of her jaw, the twitches of her fingers.

"Who are you Cosima? How do you know me?" I blurted instead, overcome with an insatiable desire to know. She knew me, I could see it in her every action. She knew me more than she was letting on.

"I'm... your friend... Sarah," she stuttered, faltering once again on that word.

"Cosima, I think you should tell her." That male voice again. My brother, apparently.

For some inexplicable reason, this "Cosima" blushed and her eyes suddenly wouldn't leave the floor. "I... don't want to overwhelm her with information."

"Bullshit," he said again. "That excuse may have worked the first two times she asked that question, but not anymore. You're dodging the truth. You need to tell her." The first two times? Two? When had I asked before?

Cosima shook her head for a few moments, and I could see the way that this man's words were breaking her. She was dodging the truth to protect herself, any bloody idiot could see that. But why was she trying to protect herself? What was going on in that beautiful mind of hers?

Wait. Beautiful?

Finally, a quiet, "I loved you, Sarah."

Love?! "Seriously," I said, unimpressed. But my heart was pounding. Someone loved me? I.. let someone.. love me?

"I... yeah," Cosima began quietly then looked up into my eyes. And I saw brokenness there. "But.. well, not anymore, obvs." She turned to the man then, "See, this is a waste of time. She's not in there anymore. The woman who I fell in love with, who fell in love with me... she's just.. not there. She's not Sarah anymore."

"Wait!" I shouted as she pushed past the man angrily, already wiping tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. She stopped, even though she didn't want to, I could tell that fairly easily by the way her whole body jerked to a halt. Something about being unable to resist the sound of a lover's voice. Complete shite though. Wasn't it? "You... you loved me?"

She turned again, and her gaze was still fractured, but hope pieced a bit of her soul together. "If you're in there Sarah... I still do," she whispered to me, but deeper than just what my ears could hear. She was whispering to my heart.

"I don't know what that feels like," I admitted heavily. But I did know. A long time ago. Or... was it not actually that long ago? What had I done to myself? Why would I want to forget this beautiful woman standing here?

"You did, once," the woman replied, parroting my thoughts back to me. She knew me so well. How? At what point did I trust her enough to let her in so far that she knew my every thought?

Rain. It was pouring. More than I ever remember it. But it suited my mood that day. Or was it night? Time didn't have meaning anymore. Life didn't have meaning anymore. She was gone, and that's why it didn't matter.

Who? Who was gone?

But she found me.

Was this the same "she" that had gone? But that didn't make any sense, how was she missing if she found me?

Strung out on some drug, the empty pill bottle discarded in some gutter not far from my feet. That's where she found me. "Sarah! Oh my god, what are you doing out here?!"

"Who's Sarah?" That wasn't my name. Was it? My surroundings weren't familiar either.

"Christ," the other woman swore, stooping and swiping the pill bottle from a puddle. "These are your prescription... shit. Jesus. You..."

"I don't know you." It wasn't a question. I didn't know her. So why did she care?

"Please... please remember."

"Why does it matter?!"

"You... you found me, didn't you?" It had to have been her. So who was missing, still?

She jerked up hopefully, her expression excited. Something in my question made her hope for just a second that maybe Sarah had come back. But then her face fell, her shoulders dropped and her smile vanished. I didn't want it to go though; she looked so much more beautiful with it. If pretending to be Sarah made her smile again, I'd do it.

But I didn't want to lie to her. So I tried to remember, desperately. But each day I just woke up with nothing but her name on my lips and the ghost of rain streaming down my face. Or were they tears?

"I was the one who found you, yeah," she replied, and even though I knew she was trying to be casual, her tone was so strained. Her voice was almost breaking, and so was she.

"Why?"

"I don't know, Sarah," she answered, frustrating cutting her words now. And I'd be offended, if I honestly believed that I was the Sarah that she thought she was talking to. "You're the only one who knows why you dumped the entire contents of your prescription drugs down your throat and-"

"I meant, why was it you? Why did you find me, and not... I don't know, that other guy?"

"Other guy?" she asked, confused, before a light dawned in her expression, only to be quickly doused by reality. How could I forget my own brother? That's what her eyes said, what she wanted to say. But there was a conversation at hand and she needed to focus on that first. "I, uh... you've been disappearing a lot by yourself ever since.. well that doesn't matter, and... you were gone for longer than the last time. So I was worried." I knew by the way she cut her sentences that she was trying to make the situation lighter than it actually was. So when the word 'worried' fell from her lips, I knew she was trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal for my sake.

Well, that wasn't going to help me remember her. And I wanted to remember her. I bloody wanted to remember her. "That's bullshit Cosima, and you know it," I told her sharply, looking right at her. And, inexplicably, she was smiling. I blinked and sat back for a moment. "What? Why are you looking-"

"Sorry, I... sorry," she shrugged and shook her head, the smile falling again as her eyes brightened with tears. Why couldn't I get her to keep smiling?! "It's just... I saw her for a second. She's still in there, somewhere."

He triggered my anger. He mentioned her name. An angry shout, "Felix, what the hell!" followed me down the hall as I bolted, barely remembering to grab my jacket. But I needed the jacket. My jacket had my pills in them. And after hearing him toss her name out so casually... I needed those pills.

"Sarah! Sarah, wait!"

But no one, not even Cosima could help me now. The only thing to douse the grief, the anger, the feelings... were the pills. And they were in my pocket. I charged out of the loft and into the torrential rain. Rain that was only rivalled by my pain in its intensity. I had to forget. Constantly weighed down by the knowledge that she was gone... it was too much.

"Please... please remember."

"Why does it matter?!"

"Because you're not leaving us again."

"You're back," I stated, trying to sound unimpressed, because, for some reason, acting tough was a lot easier than being vulnerable.

My flat tone didn't dissuade her. Of course it didn't. She had loved me enough to push past them before, and she seemed intent on doing so once again, no matter how much it broke her. "You remember me Sarah, I-"

"Yeah, okay, so I remember you," I growled, glaring at her even as she once again suppressed a smile. "But that does absolutely shite for me if I can't even remember my own name!"

"You're Sarah," the woman said gently, reaching forward as to take my hand. I flinched back on instinct and instantly wished I hadn't; she had seen. "Or.. you were. But then.. when I found you.. I think you were.. you were trying to forget."

"I was," I nodded, my voice quiet. I was sure of that much. "Someone was fighting. I ran 'cause.. people were fighting." Cosima's lips parted in a soft "o" and I was struck by her beauty. "Help me remember, Cosima.. Cos," I begged her suddenly, reaching out for the hand that I had spurned earlier. "I don't remember my brother, I don't remember Sarah. I don't really remember you, but I remembered your name when I didn't even remember mine. Why?"

She stared down at our joined hands, as if struck by the sudden intimacy. Did I ever show any physical affection while we were together? Or is she surprised because it's been so long? "That would be my fault," she began, her voice hollow, edged with regret. "I couldn't imagine losing you, in any sense. I needed you to remember me. More than remembering your brother, remembering what you are.. more than remembering yourself. So, I tried giving you something of your identity to hold on to, something that wouldn't be too painful to remember. I told you my name."

"I'm Cosima. Cosima Niehaus. Please... please remember."

"Why does it matter?!"

"Because you're not leaving us again. And I-"

"Us? I've always been alone, 'Cosima'! There's never been-"

"Yes, yes there has been you bitch! We were together and I loved you!"

"I loved you... so much. I still love you."

"Whoever you're talking about.. I'm not her anymore."

"...I know."

"We were really happy together, weren't we?" I asked quietly, studying her face, which, I had learned a few days ago, was identical to mine. That was part of the 'remembering who I am' process. With hesitation, Cosima had told me what I was. A clone. And even though that threw me, something deep inside of me settled, like sand drifting to the ocean floor, leaving the waters with a clearer view of its depths.

"We had our days," she admitted just as softly, "Everyone thought we wouldn't last. After Kira died, no one- I.. oh my god, Jesus, I'm.. shit, I'm so sorry," she caught herself, her expression mortified.

Kira. Why did that name open some black abyss in my stomach, cause my heart to stall? "Who's Kira?" I demanded, not bothering to hide the raw panic and pain in my voice from her. "What happened, Cosima? Who is she?!"

"She's...," she began, her voice extremely small, like a mouse caught between a lion's claw. "Oh my god Sarah, I didn't want to tell you about her first, it.. I.. I was going to tell you about our first kiss.. I, uh, the.. the first time we told each other that we loved each other.. not.. this wasn't.."

"Cosima!" I snapped, and something burned inside me. This sharpness, this abruptness... that was something that felt... bright. Like a light guiding me on. "Who is she?! You need to tell me, I know her name, I know her-"

In that same tiny voice, she whispered, after taking both of my hands in hers, "Sarah... she.. she's your daughter."

"Does Auntie Cosima need another tooth?"

"No... no sweetie. She needs something called bone marrow, and they take it out of your hip with a big needle."

"I don't like needles."

"We leave Kira out of the DYAD. We can't risk them getting to her."

"Yeah, no, I totally get it. I mean, who knows what they'd do with her if they got their hands on her."

"So we do this my way."

"Of course, yeah. I'll send Delphine over."

"Auntie Cosima will be safe now monkey, thanks to you. So you just sleep alright? You were very brave, darling."

"She will survive, Sarah, I promise you."

"Just get this over to Cosima now, yeah? And.. tell her I need her."

"What've you done?! You've always been on their side, haven't you!? And you decided that once Kira served your purposes, curing your girlfriend, you just decided to hand her over to DYAD?!"

"Sarah, I promise you, that is not-"

"It doesn't matter anymore. She's gone."

"I didn't kill-"

"You might as well have."

"...Cos?" I looked at over her, feeling my bottom lip quivering, my eyes burning with tears. And there she was, through blurred vision; the woman that I loved. "My daughter.. she's..."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, leaning forward and laying a comforting hand at the crook of my elbow, seeing the memories come rushing back through the glaze in my eyes.

I was in pain, I felt agony blacken every inch of my bones, my stomach twisting at the grief that pounded at my eyes. But I knew her touch now. I knew it, remembered it, and could finally take comfort in it. After a few moments of silent trembling, feeling the weight of every pill I had dumped down my throat, of every memory that I had tried to escape, I finally raised my head from Cosima's shoulder and studied her gaze. Which was just as broken as mine. "We're going to make it, yeah?"

"Oh god, Sarah...," she breathed, trying to be the strong one for once. "I told you once that we would," she continued, squeezing my hands, each twitch of her fingers causing that feeling of belonging to settle further in my gut, despite the unfathomable pain of losing my monkey. Oh god.. Kira.. my baby...

I furrowed my brow, frustrated. "I don't remember."

"You will."