Summary: The Kingdom Hearts cast takes to the road in an original production titled Kingdom Hearts II: A Play In Three Acts. We've got snippets from the Playbill, right here.

Shorter Summary: Watch out for crack. :D

KINGDOM HEARTS II: A PLAY IN THREE ACTS

THE SHOW

Due to economic hard times, the heroes of Kingdom Hearts II have decided to launch a nationwide tour of an original theater production telling the story of their heroic activities. "It's been 10 years since we saved the universe, and we've decided that it's finally time to take our story to the public," lead actor Sora explained in a private interview with Playbill. "Plus, Kairi needs some extra cash to fuel her elixir habit." (Kairi, who is slated to be playing herself in the upcoming production, was unavailable for comment.)

Kingdom Hearts II: A Play In Three Acts, adapted from unpublished memoirs written by Sora himself in a 10-year bout of unemployment, has been critically acclaimed as one of the most unique scripts of the year. Broadway! magazine's Larxene Zwolf described it as "The absolute… show… of the year." The cast is headed up by heroes Sora, Riku, and Kairi as themselves, and a strong supporting cast is composed of many others who were tangentially involved.

The road to Kingdom Hearts II has not always been an easy one. Budget and casting setbacks have taken their toll on the cast. Sora says, "King Mickey, from Disney Castle, was our top producer, and he was going to be playing himself in the show, but then he, Donald, and Goofy had to back out at the last minute. We had to cut the King and Donald's lines completely and replace the characters with props, but we were really lucky to find Tony. He's great." He's referring to Tony Flags, a no-name actor who was a surprise addition to the cast, brought in after Goofy withdrew. Sora admits that he hopes the new actor's name is an omen.

Playbill attempted to reach the show's producers, but received only an automated confession admitting that the entire show was a scam to fleece investors.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (IN ORDER OF IMPORTANCE)

SORA: SORA

RIKU: RIKU

KAIRI: KAIRI

ROXAS: ROXAS

NAMINE: NAMINE

AXEL: AXEL

DEMYX: DEMYX

OTHER ORGANIZATION MEMBERS: DEMYX

OTHER FEMALE CHARACTERS, IF APPLICABLE: NAMINE

GOOFY: TONY FLAGS

DONALD: STUFFED BIRD ON A STICK

KING MICKEY: CHEAP PAIR OF SOUVENIR MOUSE EARS

DIZ: RIKU REPLICA

XEMNAS: ALSO RIKU REPLICA

HAYNER: HAYNER

SEIFER: HAYNER IN A GANGSTER HAT

HOLLOW BASTION RESTORATION COMMITTEE: DEMYX WATER CLONES

ALL EXTRAS: PENCE

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: SQUALL LEONHART, CLOUD STRIFE

VISUAL DESIGN: NAMINE

MUSICAL DIRECTION: DEMYX

ORCHESTRA: DEMYX WATER CLONES

ACTOR BIOGRAPHIES (ALPHABETICAL)

AXEL (AXEL, SPECIAL EFFECTS)- Axel is a fiery red-head who enjoys scotch, action movies, bicycle rides, bondage, and good ice cream. For more information, call 1-800-XXX-CHAKRAM. Prior to Kingdom Hearts II: A Play In Three Acts, Axel has starred in a wide variety of low-budget parody films, including Prince Asspian, Larry Spotter and the Back Room of Secrets, and The L0rd of the Rings: The Gay Hobbit Porn Version.

DEMYX (DEMYX, ORGANIZATION XIII)- Long thought to be dead, Demyx has been simply hiding out in Canada. Now he's back and proud to play himself on stage in Kingdom Hearts II: A Play In Three Acts. He is also proud to be conducting the orchestra for the performance, a group which he has single-handedly built from the ground up. When asked if he felt that playing nine other members of Organization XIII would be a challenge, Demyx cheerfully replied, "Nah, it'll be fine- I can do actor voices!"

TONY FLAGS (GOOFY)– Better known as "Antonio Banderas's less famous American cousin," Kingdom Hearts II: A Play In Three Acts marks Tony's debut on the stage. Born and raised in Brooklyn, NY, he was discovered by the casting directors while working as a mascot for minor league New York soccer team the Hudson Hound Dogs. The team is thrilled that their suit will be taking to the road, and wish Tony the best of luck. Tony hopes to use this role as a launch pad for a new career in theater, and hopes that he will be a runaway hit with fans.

HAYNER (HAYNER, SEIFER)- Hayner is in this show because he lost a bet. Go #$% yourself, Roxas.

KAIRI (KAIRI)- Unavailable for comment. Last seen in the Philippines.

NAMINE (NAMINE, OTHER FEMALE CHARACTERS IF APPLICABLE, VISUAL DESIGN)- When Namine's studio art career was a non-starter, she was forced to become an elementary school art teacher. She agreed to be in Kingdom Hearts II: A Play In Three Acts on the condition that she also be allowed to also do the visual design of the show. She hopes to parlay this gig into the name recognition required to launch a theater design career, and get away from those meddling kids. She is not concerned about the acting demands of her roles, because seriously, there weren't any other female characters in Kingdom Hearts anyway.

PENCE (ALL EXTRAS)- Pence is between jobs right now, and needed something part-time to help support his six children. He is overjoyed to be a part of Kingdom Hearts II: A Play In Three Acts. His prior roles include a stint as Smee in Twilight Town High School's production of Peter Pan.

RIKU (RIKU)- After his adventures were finished and he conquered the darkness in his heart, Riku purchased his own Destiny Island and retired on his fortune. He is excited to rejoin with his old friends for one more adventure.

RIKU REPLICA (DIZ, XEMNAS)- After months out of the public eye, Riku Replica emerged as a leader in the field of biological chemistry. He became the CEO of a prominent research firm and made millions in government contracts. Unfortunately, Riku Replica is not a legal person, and all of his earnings were credited to the original Riku. Since then, he has been a vocal champion for clone rights. Riku Replica is thrilled to fill the shoes of DiZ and Xemnas, describing the characters as "Dark, mysterious, and potentially dangerous- in other words, exactly like Riku's character, but cooler."

ROXAS (ROXAS)- Roxas is in this show because he lost a bet. Go #$% yourself, Hayner.

SORA (SORA)- After years of backbreaking writing and adapting, Sora is overwhelmed at seeing his dream finally come true. He would like to thank his friends, his wonderful cast and crew, his wonderful producers, and everyone who reminded him daily that they call 'im Sky 'cause that's how high 'e bets.

Ok, because I'm curious- what do you think Larxene's full quote was? :D