Sin
Chapter 1. Betrayer

I have sinned.

I have betrayed the only one on both sides of life that I should never have betrayed, the only one I ever need to care for, the only one whose entire existence so far lay in my hands.

I will not deceive myself that she will survive, let alone lead a happy life. I am both a murderer and a coward. I have left my own baby sister in the basest level of hell and prayed with a lingering wistfulness for my own peace of mind. I have no courage to give her a decent painless death when I cannot give her life, and left her to suffer and die without even witnessing the sin I have committed.

I chose my own life over that of my sister. I have betrayed her, grievously so.

I did not abandon her, I murdered her.

Then, calmly I make my way to the queue and sign myself up for work, for survival.
All the while, my baby sister is wailing her lungs out, somewhere too far away to hear.

Yet I cannot escape the thrill sound of a tiny life, the voice of violent innocence engaged in futile struggle, sending tendrils snaking around my ankles, straining to pull me back.

I look at myself in wonder as I continue to breathe, never drowning as I sink into my own evil.

fancied that I will have no appetite, yet before I can feel guilt, I look down at my own bowl and see the tip of my chopsticks scraping up the last grain of rice. It would have better, if I cannot enjoy the taste of food. But I do, enormously so.

All the things they say, about that a person faced with her own unforgivable sins cannot eat or drink in peace for the food will taste coarse and the water bland and so on, are not true. The aroma of rice is as solid as the dark sin that seats in the centre of my soul. Hunger scrapes my stomach, no less painful than the thin cries of my baby sister drilling into my skull.

Despite all that, I can even sleep, dreamless. The moment I lay down in the servants' quaters, tiredness manages to overwhelm consciousness and send me into the deep lightless abyss of sleep.

Hisana, you are the most cowardly and cruel woman, living or dead.

And it hurts to admit, that I am Hisana.

Thank you Alaena Night. Error corrected. I can never be free of grammar errors...sigh.