A/N: Hey guys! This is my first shot at writing a ff, although I'll admit I've been obsessed with reading them for a while now! Bear through the emo-ness of the first chapter and I promise you'll be rewarded! I tried to make this possibly a little humoress? I don't really know what I'm doing… there's probably a million and one typos from my dyslexia-ness. Get ready for some Depressed Lily, obsessed James, fired up Sirius, down to earth Remus, and a…drunk Lily trying to seduce a concerned James? PLEASE PLEASE read on and comment.! I'll be your best friend. Forever. And if you can't tell yet I'm clearly not J.… much to my dismay ):

Lily Evans pushed the blade deeper, dragging it across her fragile wrist.
She barely even felt the pain
Not anymore.
This is for everything
She thought
For being a bitch, for the C- in divination, for eating 3 pieces of pizza when everyone else ate only half of one
The thoughts kept pouring in
She couldn't help it
For flirting with Remus in front of James just to piss him off, for being invisible, for not writing mum in two weeks,
She deserved this
In a sick way
She knew she really did
It was her biggest secret
With a gasp she retracted the blade, dropping it into the basin of the sink
Her eyes closed as she took a deep breath
And when they reopened she looked at herself in the mirror
Frizzy red hair was pulled back in a messy bun
Murky green eyes rimmed with red leaked tears
Her face looked all puffy,
Her thin mouth stretched into a grimace
I hate you
She whispered to her reflection
She watched her own lips echo it back.
A chunk of hair fell into her face
Frustrated, she reached up to shove it back into place
Fuck
Blood dripping from the cuts on her wrist smeared across her cheek
Could things get any worse
It felt as if the four walls of the bathroom were closing in around her
She wanted to escape
Escape this place
This life
BAM
The door flew open
"Moony how long does it take you to--fuck. Evans?! What are you doing in here? Shouldn't you be in- Why are you-fuck! What did you? Why…."
And for one of the first times in his seventeen years of life James Potter was at a loss for words.
"James, it's, it's not what it looks like!"
Lily spit out frantically.
"You, why, I…"
He was staring at the blood on her face.
The bell rang, causing both of them to jump.
"Lily, I gotta go, if I'm late to herbology one more time Professor Sprout promised detention during the next match."
But his feet stayed glued to the spot, he was now staring at her wrists.
"Go, James."
Lily whispered.
"Just go."
And with his jaw still hanging open, she pushed him out of the bathroom, swung the door closed behind him, and promptly erupted into tears.

Sirius Black crumpled up yet another piece of parchment and threw it at the back of Remus's head.
Lupin didn't even turn around.
The bastard Sirius thought.
But of course, he didn't mean it.
He couldn't even remember why Remus was angry at him this time
The boy had an awful temper.
Well actually
Sirius thought,
Just towards me.
Frustrated at Moony's lack of response, Sirius switched to throwing dirty notes at Alice, a pretty but shy ravenclaw girl.
He snickered as her face turned pink when she read them.
", late again?"
The professor asked.
Sirius looked up to see his friend James standing in the doorway.
Aw bullocks,
He thought, remembering Sprout's promise of a Quidditch detention.
But as he turned to face his professor her face softened.
"Err, why don't you just take a seat." She said kindly.
YES!
Sirius thought, he raised his hand to give James a high five.
But James wasn't smiling.
"What happened to you?"
Sirius asked.
James frowned.
"It's Lily again, isn't it?"
James nodded.
"James Potter you need to GET OVER that girl, look what she does to you! She's never going to like you! You could do so much better, anyways."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me?"
"Just shut up Sir, you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."
"Really? I have no idea? Because I was under the impression that-"
"Just let it go."
And James sunk far into his chair, and pretended to follow along with the reading.

James Potter couldn't concentrate.
Not in herbology, not in potions, not walking in the halls, and not even at dinner, where Lily hadn't felt the need to make herself present.
Everytime he let his mind wander all he could see was her.
His Lily.
Beautiful, smart, amazing, confident Lily Evans,
with tears streaming down her cheeks
and blood streaked across her wrist.
As hard as he tried he still couldnt wrap his mind around the concept.
Lily Evans really was not the type to...
cut herself.
That was what she was doing, wasn't it?
And as much as James didn't want to believe it, he couldn't think of any other possible explanations.
He honestly didn't know what to do.
And he could feel the marauders staring at him
their eyes bore holes into the top of his head at dinner,
where he spent the whole time looking down at his food.
And he couldn't even bring himself to eat.
And even though they didn't know it he could hear Remus and Sirius's whispers across the table.
They seemed to have forgotten their fight to talk about James.
"Do you know what happened to him?"
"All i know is it was that goddamn ginger girl again."
"Sirius! So it was Lily? What did she do? This seems worse than just the usual rejection..."
"No clue, but when I get my hands on her..."
James looked up suddenly
Sirius and Lupin quickly looked away from each other as if they hadn't been having this serious conversation just seconds ago.
"Guys... just... just let it go okay?"
Lupin looked worried.
"James,"
he said in a quiet voice,
"You can tell us, whatever happened, well, sometimes it's better to just get it off your chest..."
James took a deep breath.
"I'm going to bed."
"Prongs! Wait!"
But he just kept walking.

A few years ago, Remus Lupin realized something,
he liked to think of it as a sort of "epiphany"
He and Sirius Black had absolutely nothing to keep them as friends
except for James Potter.
Seriously.
He actually sort of hated Sirius.
Some of the time at least.
The boy was completely narcissistic, seemed to be addicted to trouble, and to be completely honest he could be just straight up mean.
One thing Remus couldn't honestly say about Black was that he was dumb.
And it aggravated him to no end.
Though he would never let anyone know, Sirius Black was sort of a genius.
Lupin guessed that you have to be smart to come up with the sort of pranks that he did.
So James was the glue that had connected them since first year.
At times like this, when James was in trouble
(which seemed to be quite a lot, even for a teenage boy Prongs could be extremely moody.)
Remus was able to look past Sirius's many flaws and see a caring friend.
"Ughh moony what are we going to doo?"

Remus was very aware of Sirius's big, brown eyes staring at him
his thick brow was furrowed in concentration.
"I guess we'll just have to wait it out."
Remus replied earnestly.
Sirius failed to hold back a snort.
"Wait it out? And I thought you called yourself a marauder."
A grin crawled onto Remus' face.
"So what's the plan then genius?"
Sirius waggled his eyebrows,
"I was hoping it would come to MY suggestions.
Plan A: Find Evans, crucio her ginger ass until she spills."
"Sirius..."
"Kidding... I was kidding. ish. So real plan A is to find Evans and umm
talk it out."
Remus considered this,
"I'm not saying it's definitely out, but it didn't seem like that's what James would want."
"That's true...
So plan B: go to the Head Student's room and make them both come out of their individual dorms and kiss and make up in their common room."
Remus laughed "Umm, as much as we think James would like that, I'm not sure that's the best way to handle it."
"Fiiiiiine" groaned Sirius,
"Plan C: go to The Head students dorm, go to James's room, and comfort him with our company until he decides it's time to confide in us."
"Ding ding!"
Remus said grinning,
"We have our answer."
Sirius grinned back,
"Shall we?"

Lily Evans was panicked.
Not panicked like, oh no that was due today?
But crying, shaking, stomach flipping, nail biting panicked.
She couldn't imagine how James was going to react.
How could she have been so careless?
She hadn't checked to see if James was in the dorm.
She hadn't locked the door.
She had gasped loudly.
What was she thinking?
He's probably telling his dumb friends right now,
she thought.
Probably coming up with new ways to taunt her.
Already called Ginger, Prissy, Red, freckles.
What was next?
Cutter? Would they call her emo? Push up her sleeves and show everyone her scars?
But James wasn't really that evil, right?
Sure, he had embarrassed her countless times,
cheated off her tests,
manipulated her friends.
She knew Sirius could keep a secret though.
From personal experience.
He wasn't one to tell a secret if it had a chance of hurting someone.
But Lily tried not to think about that kiss, ever.
She was only a fourth year, to be fair,
and Sirius's smooth talking, bright eyes, and devilish smile were too much for her 14 year old self.
Anyone else would have done it...
Everyone else had.
But maybe Sirius is only protective of James feelings.
Maybe he would have no problem seeing Lily cry.
And James claims he loves her.
But everyone knew that was just a silly crush,
if that even.
Lily had a theory he was just asking her out to embarrass her.
The only good sign so far is that she had heard James come back into his dorm,
alone
quietly.
And that didn't happen to often.
So all that Lily could do for now was cross her fingers
and have hope that James Potter had more to him then it first seemed.

Sirius Black had no problem breaking into James and Lily's shared dorm.
He had done it countless times,
whether it was to be alone during a free period
or prank James when he was sleeping.
Remus seemed a little surprised at how easily Sirius got in,
but he didn't ask any questions.
The truth was, Sirius had spent almost a whole day in the library looking up possible charms to work against locks.
Of course he told his friends he was planning a mass prank.
He and Remus walked past the common room and paused at James' door.
"Should we knock?"
Remus asked.
"We can start with that.'
Sirius replied.
He knocked three times and then paused, waiting for a response.
Silence.
"James!"
Sirius called,
"We can do this the hard way or the easy way!"
More silence.
"Hard way it is," Sirius mumbled.
And after a few incantations they were in.
"James?", Remus asked the lump of covers on James' bed.
"I'm sleeping," It replied.
"Come off it Prongs, tell us what's wrong. We're your friends," Sirius ordered.
Silence.
"This is ridiculous," Remus stated, and he ripped the covers off a half naked James.
"Bloody hell!" James exclaimed.
"Shut up Potter, it's not as if we haven't seen u in just quidditch shorts before," said Sirius.
James moaned, "Just leave me alooone."
Remus frowned,
"Honestly, James, just tell us. We can help. And if you're worried about us telling anyone, I don't think that's going to be a problem, because, no offense, but no one cares about your lily drama anymore."
"You guys... I would tell you. But it's... it's not what you think. It's serious this time... it's not... idunno," James replied, looking extremely strained.
Sirius plopped himself on the bed next to James.
"She's pregnant?"
"What? No! Of course not! Nothing like that! We haven't! I mean not that I would protest it, but-"
"Moony, calm down, so she's not pregnant. What's the story?" asked Sirius.
James stared at his feet.
"You can tell us James. We're marauders, we don't keep secrets from eachother. We trust each other... I trust you guys with my biggest secret," said Remus.
"And I trust you guys to still think I'm amazing even though my family is crap," Sirius added.
James sighed,
"This is different, it's not my secret to tell..."
"James, you can tell us. Really."
James put his head in his hands in frustration and mumbled something not understandable.
"Sorry?" Sirius asked, "What was that?"
"Lilycumphhemphselph"
"One more time?" pleaded Remus.
"Lily cuts herself!"

Lily almost screamed when the house elf knocked on her door.
"come in!" she called, catching her breath.
The small creature walked in to deliver one of lilys nightly updates from the teachers
.As head girl she had a lot of responisbilities and each professor seemed to think it was there place to repremand, remind, and advise lily about things.
She constantly had to come up with new schedules and organize which prefects were OD for the night.
"Here you are ," said the eldrely house elf.
"You look terrible!! What happened?" he asked her.
Then, he quickly added "if you wish to confide in me, remember a house elf never tells."
Lily smiled, "thank you, but I don't think I could explain this even if I tried"
"Ohh," the house elf said wisely,
"One of those situations. Listen, I'm not really supposed to do this, but seeing a beautiful girl like you this upset just breaks kitchys heart."
And he handed her a withered bottle of something strong smelling.
"Just a taste will help whatevers got you down"
Lily turned the bottle over in her hands, looking for a label, but couldn't find one.
"Umm, thank you?" lily said as kindly as she could, and the small elf bowed and ran off.
It wasnt as if lily hadn't drank before.
In the sixth year she remembered sneaking out with her roommates to hogsmeade at night.
Drake Rosmerta, the bartender was bathilda rosmerta, her roommates older brother,
and he was always nice enough to give them a few shots.
She remembered feelig so crazy and bad.
But over the summer those girls had barely talked to her, and this year she was alone in the heads dorm.
She missed them.
Lily was curious now about the drink she had recieved.
It was so tempting to take just one sip.
I mean it's not like she would get drunk,
A house elf couldn't give her anything too strong, right?
So she unscrewed the cap with her teeth and took a large gulp.
Instantly, her insides warmed And weight she hadn't realized was crushing down on her shoulders seemed to lift.
Wow.
One more sip couldn't hurt.
And lily chugged down more, with each swallow she seemed to forget her loneliness and her worries.
She felt confident and comfortable.
This was some drink.
Before she knew it the bottle was empty,
But for once,
Lily felt full.

Before this moment, Remus had never known what it meant for your heart to go cold.
But thats exactly what if felt like right now.
"Lily? Lily Evans? Your Lily?" he asked James, who merely nodded.
"How did you find out?"
James sighed, "I, i walked into the bathroom, I thought you were still in there Remus, but it was her, and she was..." his voice trailed off.
"Why would she do that?" Remus asked.
James frowned, "I don't know."
Remus noticed how dull James's usually bright eyes were,
it was heartbreaking.
"Ill tell you why she did it," Sirius growled,
Remus popped his head up as Sirius spoke for the first time,
"She just wants her fucking attention, that girl always has to be in the spotlight! And now that the news of her being head girl is wearing off she has to pull some new crazy stunt to get everyone to-"
And James was on top of him.
Punching, kicking, grabbing hair.
Remus jumped up and tried to pull him off manually.
But James just pushed him away to continue hurting sirius in every way shape or form.
Remus pulled out his wand "IMPEDIMENTA!" he yelled,
and instantly James was moving in slow motion, allowing Sirius to get up.
Unable to look him in the eye, Remus kept his gaze at his shoes.
"I think it would be best for you to leave Sirius," he murmered.
"Leave?! I'm his best friend! I'm just trying to talk some sense into him!"
"Please Remus."
"Fine LUPIN, Ill go! But just know that the longer he stays hung up on that girl, the more miserable he's going to be. She's no good for him. I'm just trying to help him realize that!" and he slammed the door and stomped away.
For a moment, Remus was able to understand Sirius.
He was sick of seeing James hurt, and through his anger he was really only trying to protect him.
But that didn't stop the anger from bubbling up inside him.
Ill deal with that later,
he thought,
and cast the counter-spell on James, who could now move at normal speed and fell to his knees.
Was he... crying?
"What should i do Moony?" he asked shakily.
" I think you should talk to her," he answered carefully, "sooner rather than later, and just let her know how much you care."
"Right now?" James asked.
Remus nodded. He had a feeling James knew this is what he would say all along, "Why not?"
James stood up and tucked in his shirt. he smoothed out his pants and retied his shoes.
"Does my hair look okay?" He asked.
"Does it ever?" Remus responded.
James actually smiled.
"True," but he ran his hands over it in an effort to smooth it out anyways.
"Wish me luck," he said, and slowly walked out of the dorm room.
Remus wondered what it felt like to be in love.
He almost envied James, a boy so confident of his feelings.
And as many times as Lily had rejected James, humiliated him, screamed at him, james never gave up.
And Remus couldn't help but feel that James was right to do that.
Because he noticed something everyone else had not.
Behind every frown, blush, and slap across the face to James,
Lily Evans eyed had glowed in the same way James' did when he talked about her.
And Lupin suspected that maybe,
just maybe,
she loved him too.

James Potter was feeling much less confident by the time he reached Lily's door.
But its now or never he told himself
and quietly rapped his knuckles against the door.
"Er, Lily?" he called.
"It's James, I was wondering if i could talk to you..."
The door swung open and Lily Evans
clad only in (bubble wrap jkjk) an oversized mens tshirt smiled lazily.
"Hiiiii Potter!" she exclaimed cheerily,
"Err, if this isnt the best time, i can just um-"
But Lily grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside her bedroom.
James was surprised to find it a complete an utter mess,
he had always pegged her for one of those all organized all the time types.
Lily shoved him down on the loveseat at the end of her bed.
"So Lily..." he started, a little deshelveled from her unusual behavior,
"What i wanted to discuss was-"
Lily burst into applause.
"Er, what??" James said, completely confused.
"It's just the way you say my name!" Lily cried out passionately.
"It's the way I say your what?"
"My name!! Lily! It sounds so gorgeous coming out of your mouth, like, like, like a masterpiece. It makes me never want to be called anything else!"
"You like the way I say your name?"
"Oh yes James, very much."
And that's when he knew. If he hadn't realized it yet, James Potter finally realized that Lily was extremely drunk.
Because there was only one other time she had ever called him James.
"Lily, exactly how much have you had to drink?"
"Oh there it is again James! Lily! Lilywillybobilly, oh it does sound so much better when you say it!"
James flushed pink and cleared his throat.
"How much have you had to drink?"
"Drink? Pink, think, stink, wink, rinkydink, flink"
"Evans!"
"Oh, uhm, i don't know exactly... i don't really know what it was. But it was wonderful..."
"Lily, your telling me you had alchohol, and you don't even know what it was?"
Lily burped and erupted into hysteric giggles.
"Oh James," she said, snuggling onto his lap,
"You just need to... loosen up..." she whispered in his ear.
And with that she planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek. She cupped her hands around his chin, trying to pull him closer to her but he stood up abruptly.
"This... this isn't right." he said, for his benifit just as much as hers.
She jumped up and looped her arms around his waist,
"Of course it is silly... it's always bee-"
and she threw up all over his shirt.
"I... I don't feel so good," she said shakily.
"You should lie down..." he said, unbuttoning his shirt before the vomit could soak through.
"Okay..." Lily whispered,
but she fell limp in his arms.
James scooped her up and carried her to her bed, grabbed the trash can and alligned it with her head incase of another puking incident.
He stood up to quickly fetch another shirt from his room but Lily tugged on his arm.
"Don't go James. Please don't go."
And he Sat down on her bed, placed her head in his lap, and started loosely playing with her mess of red hair.
After all, how could one say no to that?