The Freshmen
Preface: The Reason Why
I remember the day it all went wrong. I remember it too well actually. It started out like any other. The five of us meeting at our spot. Taking out the pot and smoking up a storm. Even as freshmen we smoked. I think that fucked us up the most, the pot. Or maybe it wasn't, maybe we were fucked up anyway. I guess we'll never know now. Four years later and we're still not over it. Three deaths, two of them suicides, and two attempted suicides. I guess that could be the reason we're still not over it. I am proud to say I do not fall under either category. No suicides or attempted ones. Those were all of my friends. I could have, and I wanted to. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. It scared the crap out of me at the time. Still does. But we can't be held responsible for these actions. We were just kids for Christ sake. We didn't know what it was like to lose someone, that is, until it happened. And it didn't just stop at one, it was three. God three fucking deaths in one month. Can you imagine?
That's why I ran. I ran away from the sadness, from death itself. I didn't want to be number four. Am I suicidal now? I don't know. I mean I must be for coming back here after four years. But I do have a reason. And he's sitting right next to me on this plane. Edward Cullen. My fiance for about three months now. I started dating him two years ago.
I know what your probably thinking, what kind of girl gets married right out of high school? I know this because I used to think it myself. But I love him, I truly do. I mean, why else would I be reliving my past? He makes me feel so important, he promised me forever... Something I never thought I'd be able to ask.
Which is why we are here, back in Ottowa, Illinois. The place where I grew up, the place I fucked up. He wants to know what my life was like here. What he doesn't know is my past. He lives in my present and he is my future. The horrible thoughts of my past, which I had hoped would be long gone by now, are all coming back to me. The funerals, the pitying faces, and those God damn awful days that I just spent crying in my room. Then the day I decided to run, the look on his face when I left. But I couldn't stay, I lost three of the most important people in the world to me. And I don't know why. Four years later and I still can't give myself a God damn reason for the tragedy.
I'm sorry for the ranting. I guess I'm so nervous about being here that I just can't control my words. But it was necessary, because you see, Edward isn't the only one thats going to learn of my past, you are too. And although I probably have you confused, this introduction was needed. I needed to give a reason for this trip, if not for you then for myself. For the next week I will be immersed in my past, reliving every single fucking memory thats haunted my dreams ever since I left. But maybe this is good. Maybe, this is what I need. God only knows.
Now here comes the time to make a decision; move forward and go through with this, or turn around making up some excuse of why I can't be here, it would be so easy.... No. I have to do this, for Edward, for me. And Edward will help me, he loves me and he'll be there for me. He's already promised that much. If only he knew what he was getting himself into.
For one week you are invited into my life. For one week you see through the eyes of a 15 year old junkie turned 18 year old writer. This is not for the light hearted. And if you haven't figured it out already, I curse. It's a bad habit it know, but its my book and I can do as I please. My story here, does not have a happy ending. My happy ending came after I left, this trip will NOT have the happy ending my life found for me. It ends when I run. It ends right before Jeremy comes into the picture because he knows that much, and after the trip he will understand things he didn't before. Because my actions were based on this story. A story of friendship, of love, of loss, of agony. A story called; The Freshmen.