A/N: I wrote this as "deleted scenes" for Season 6A as what I wish we could have seen. So long as you watched S6 entirely, the only spoiler you risk by reading this is for Netflix's "A Christmas Prince".
This is the first story I have written for OUAT and it is the first piece I am putting out into the universe. It is my contribution to this year's Captian Swan Little Bang and I wanted to thank all the moderators for creating this so I was able to get out of my comfort zone and finally put an idea down on paper.
A shout out to my beta reader shippingtheswann who kindly returned the favour and read my story over, making sure it all made sense and came out exactly how I wanted it (even though I changed my mind a couple of times!)
I had the pleasure of collaborating with gingerchangeling who has drawn a fabulous piece of artwork to go with my story. Apart from actually finishing, I was most excited about getting to work with someone so creative and I LOVED what she has come up with!
Anyway, read on and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Emma knew that today was the day. She had been holding back in every session with Archie so far, never going as far as talking about her relationship with Killian. For some reason, it just never felt like the right time to, even though they had been dancing around it for the last couple of sessions. But, she knew that today was the day Archie was just going to come out and ask her.
"So Emma, how's it all going, living with Killian? Are you two settling in? Is Henry adapting well to the changes happening around him?" Archie wasted no time, zoning in on the one thing she had been avoiding.
"Good, I think. The boys have had their ups and downs and there certainly was an adjustment period at first. They seem to be enjoying each other's company now though. Henry has been showing Killian how to play his XBOX and Killian has been taking him on the Jolly, teaching him about sailing and getting him to help with repairs around the ship," Emma answered honestly. She really did love talking about her boys.
"I'm glad to hear they are getting along so well and that would certainly be a weight off your shoulders," Archie commented, with a small smile on his face.
"It was something I worried about, especially with Henry. He's lost a lot of people he's cared about and I didn't want him to get too attached to someone who didn't intend on sticking around," Emma said. She looked over at Archie and realised her mistake too late.
"So what has made you confident in Killian's ability to, as you put it, stick around? What helped you feel confident enough that you would ask him to move in with you both?"
Emma sighed. She thought she was being careful enough, not directly addressing her and Killian, speaking only of Killian's growing relationship with Henry. She had wanted to avoid discussing her and Killian, at least for a little while longer. She shuffled nervously in her seat, avoiding eye contact with Archie all together.
"You haven't been mentioning Killian in our sessions Emma. Why is that? Has something changed between the two of you?" Archie pressed on. Emma realised she wasn't going to get out of it this time. Archie never usually took the lead in the sessions, always allowing Emma the opportunity to speak about whatever she needed. But he must have realised he wasn't going to get anything out of her when it came to her relationship with Killian. She took a deep breath, hoping that opening up with Archie would help her start to piece some things together.
"I think Killian wants to propose."
There was a long pause. Archie just looked at her, calmly, with an expectant gaze on his face. Of all the times for the damn cricket not to comment, he chose now as his moment.
"He talks a lot about forever. You know, "to the ends of the world and time" sort of thing. He has these dreams, of starting a family and making something of himself here. He is always so careful though, he makes sure he stops before he gives all the details. He knows those sort of things make me nervous and he knows I have a habit of running when I'm backed up against a wall. So lately, he's been sort of quiet about those things but I do still notice that when the future is brought up, there is a twinkle in his eyes," Emma rushed out, wanting to get it all out in the open, finally.
"So future talk scares you? It isn't something that you are ready to face with Killian?" Archie asked, leaning forward in his chair.
"Yes. No. I don't know. How does anyone know when they are ready to take the next step with someone? I feel like there should be some kind of feeling, a sign or something, that points you towards what you should do next." Emma stood up abruptly and started pacing around the chair.
"Have you spoken with your parents about this? They are our towns embodiment of "true love" and never giving up on each other. They might have some untapped wisdom, maybe they know something to look for?" Archie offered. After he said it, Emma realised she had cringed a little.
"Ah, so maybe not the right path to go down for you."
"It's not that I don't think they would have any advice or years of wisdom they could share with me. It's just that their story is different from mine and Killian's. They were fated, destined to be together. Their love, while not something that sounds like an easy journey, came easy to them. What Killian and I share is very different. He is from a completely different time, realm even. It's only by curses and Neverland charms that we have even met and been able to fall in love. We weren't destined to be together, we have had to work hard, overcome a lot of different things to find this, this new beginning for the both of us," Emma lamented, "I love my parents, but in this instance, I don't think their story will help me with my current predicament."
Emma flopped back down on the couch, feeling guilty about what she had said about her parents but also very relieved. She had thought time and time again about asking her mom or dad about this, but it wasn't until she let her feelings come to the surface that she realised why she didn't want to.
Archie stood up and sat next to Emma. He grabbed her hands and gently held them in his. He smiled at her.
"Emma, you don't need to feel guilty for what you have just said. You were honest, with me and yourself, which is something to be proud of. Your opinions are your own and if you don't think your parents are the ideal people to talk to about this, then that is perfectly fine."
Emma smiled up at Archie. He was a good cricket
"I do think it is still in your best interest to try to determine why you feel so negatively toward looking to the future with Killian," Archie said, after some time of quiet reflection for the both of them.
"Do you think it's a bad sign that I'm even looking for signs to help me move forward with Killian? Shouldn't I know what I want?" Emma asked, hoping she wasn't more emotionally closed off than she thought she was.
"I think that it is a really good step in the right direction that you are even questioning how you are feeling about this. I think we can both agree that the Emma of the past wouldn't have given a second thought to not knowing what she wanted or how she was feeling and push past it all, curl it up inside her and never think about it again. The fact that you want to know if there is a sign, that you might even want to start looking for a sign, shows that you are more ready to tackle this than you think," Archie concluded, looking at Emma with a sense of pride. "I can tell it has taken a lot to get you here Emma, and as we have been trying to learn, recognising growth is half the battle."
Emma thought on what he said. She was glad to hear that Archie thought that she was improving, taking steps to self heal after feeling so alone and closed off for so long. But one thing in particular he said stood out to her.
"You said I might want to start looking for a sign?" Emma asked, wanting to know more what he meant by that.
"Yes. It sounds to me that by you even asking the question about signs, means that you hope there is and that you might be able to find some to help guide you towards how you are really feeling about your relationship with Killian."
"I think I like the sound of that. I don't want to feel lost anymore, especially when Killian has already done so much to help me feel loved and that I have a place in this world. I think I would like to try. Do you have any ideas of how we might do this thing?" Emma asked, realising she was very eager to get started. She wanted to get to the bottom of this, and soon.
Archie thought for a minute, mulling over what he wanted to say next.
"I do have one thing we could try. I can't say I've done anything like this before and I can't guarantee that it would give you any peace of mind about this. It will take some time, and a lot of self reflection on your behalf Emma. But, if you really want to try something, anything to help you determine why you're feeling the way you do, I think this could really work," Archie said. Emma sensed that he might even be looking forward to whatever his plan was.
"Okay Doc, lay it on me. What do you think we should do?"
"I have been doing a lot of reading, on all kinds of different ways people think and feel and how they process those thoughts and feeling. Ever since we all decided to stay in Storybrooke, I have really been wanting to make a conscious effort to actually help the people in this town. One thing I came across recently, a study that was conducted, was how helpful it can be to walk back through certain memories that you have of instances where you felt really strongly about something," Archie started.
"You've lost me a little Doc, slow it down for me," Emma interrupted. Archie really was starting to take this gig of his seriously.
"Okay, let me try to break it down a little further for you. For you personally, what I think will help would be to pinpoint some times of your past where something has happened between you and Killian that has shown you that you aren't ready for marriage. It could be as simple as a passing comment one of you has made or something Henry might have perceived from the two of you."
"What is that supposed to do?" Emma asked, already sceptical.
"What can happen, what I hope will happen, is you will see those situations differently than you initially did. But, that will all come down to you, which is why a large portion of this will be self reflection. Is that something you think you might be up to?" Archie asked, curious as to what Emma's answer would be.
Emma stood up again and peered out the window. As she looked down, she saw her parents with Neal walk out of Granny's diner. All they did was look at each other and Emma could feel their love from where she was. They had been through so much together, as a couple and now with their adult daughter and infant son. No matter what hurdles they faced, they always managed to stay true to themselves and each other; they always managed to be in love.
She looked further down the street and saw Killian walking towards the docks with Henry. This had become their time together, when Emma was talking with Archie. They took turns deciding what activity to do and it never ceased to amaze Emma how many stories her boys would come home with, adventures from their time together, no matter what they did.
She realised her hands were shaking, but it occurred to her it wasn't from her magic; it was from her becoming overwhelmed with emotions. She had so many important people in her life, so many who loved her unconditionally. It was now her turn to find out how she could get to that point with them, how she could love them like that. If what Archie was suggesting could help her with that, she owed it to them, and to herself, to give it a try.
Emma turned around slowly and looked at Archie, dead on.
"I'm in. When do we start?"
It had been a week since she had decided to take a walk down memory lane. Archie had said that he thought they had made enough headway in her last session, he didn't want them to overdo it. Archie had asked her to think of at least one time, one memory where she had been sure that she wasn't ready to marry Killian. That way, they could start there and see where it lead them. She had been thinking about it, right up until she knocked on Archie's door for this week's session.
"So Emma, is there anything you would like to discuss today, or do we want to jump right into a memory you've chosen to revisit?" Archie asked. He had his kind smile on today, one that always made Emma feel instantly at ease.
"No, I think I would like to get straight into it. I want this to work, but if it doesn't, I don't want to stop trying. I want to get to the bottom of my feelings about all of this, no matter what we have to try." Emma was determined. She was nervous, scared as hell for what might come up, but she wanted this to work.
"Okay then, let's get into to it then. Did you come up with something to start with?"
Emma paused, took a deep breath and started.
Emma had just finished explaining the concept of Christmas movies to Killian when she scrolled past the latest one uploaded to Netflix, A Christmas Prince. She had admitted to Killian earlier that evening that watching Christmas movies had always been something for her to look forward to at Christmas time, as it usually meant whichever family she was with spent some time together. She looked over at Killian eagerly, hoping he would watch one with her this Christmas.
"Alright love, I'll watch this with you. I'm still not sure I understand the point to all of it, but if it will help you feel like it's really Christmas, I'll happily indulge your wishes."
He sat down next to her and to his credit, he watched the whole damn thing, start to finish, even when the storyline became too obvious to bear. It wasn't until the very end of the movie, when the Prince proposed to the journalist that she realised Killian seemed very interested in what was happening.
"Killian? It's a Christmas movie, it's not supposed to have you on the edge of the seat."
Killian turned to look at her, a slight twinkle in his eyes that vanished in an instant.
"Sorry Swan, but you know I'm a sucker for a happy ending. You must admit, they seemed pretty happy once she had finally agreed to marry the poor lad," Killian said, looking very steadily at Emma.
Emma could feel herself panicking. She felt the instant need to throw him completely off track.
"You think that was romantic? In the middle of the street, when it is freezing outside and snowing on them? And I mean, it's New Year's Eve in New York. Could they have made it any more unrealistic? There is no way there was an empty street available right on the stroke of midnight for him to propose to her, so it could just be the two of them. I'm not sure I could think of anything worse," Emma said, rolling her eyes at the end while trying to keep her breathing under control.
Killian looked like he was about to say something, then decided against it. There was silence between the two of them for a few minutes until he finally spoke.
"I suppose you're right Swan. It all does seem a bit far fetched. You will have to make sure to pick something you find a bit more realistic for our next movie night love." Killian stood up and kissed the top of her head. He then walked out of the room and went and sat on the patio.
It took several minutes for Emma to calm herself down. She wished she had picked a movie that she had already watched so she didn't find herself in this sort of terrifying situation. Of course it would get Killian thinking. To his own admittance, he had known how he felt about her long before she let herself feel anything for him. It made complete sense that he would be wanting to take the next step with her before she was ready.
She sat down on the sofa for a bit longer, wondering how she was going to smooth this over with him. She had obviously let him down, that had been her aim after all. But just because she had succeeded, didn't mean she felt any better about how she had handled it all. Why could she never just be honest with him about this?
Emma breathed a sigh of relief once she finished retelling the memory. She realised quite quickly that it hadn't been as hard as she thought it would be to share this with someone.
At some point throughout her memory, Archie had pulled out a notebook and it looked like he had written some things down. Emma had never seen Archie do that before; it worried her a little.
"Whatcha writing there Doc?" Emma asked, trying to sound nonchalant but coming off more desperate than she would have liked.
"Nothing much yet. I just want to take down some things that I thought were interesting about your memory, so that when we break it down, I have something to look back to. Don't worry so much Emma, it will all be helpful in the end."
She certainly wasn't too sure about that, but she decided to let it go for now.
"Okay, so what should we do now?"
"How about you starting by telling me how you felt after this initially happened?" Archie asked, sitting forward in his chair.
Emma took a deep breath and rushed out her confession.
"I felt horrible. I think that was the first time I could see a happy ending for us and I immediately put a stop to it. He looked so happy with himself, trying to direct the conversation towards our future and I completely shut him down. I hated the look in his eyes after I went on and on about how unromantic the whole thing was."
Archie looked at her, a little surprised.
"If you felt horrible doing it, why did you?"
"I had to! I was nowhere near ready to be having a conversation so serious, about something so permanent! I won't lie to you Doc, I have known for quite some time how Killian feels about me, which makes it all the more difficult when I'm not sure that my feelings match up."
Emma slumped back in her chair and rubbed her eyes.
Archie was silent for a few minutes. Emma assumed he was taking his time for what he wanted to ask next, to allow her to compose herself.
"If this was to happen now Emma, do you think this conversation would have went the same, or would you have handled it differently?" Archie asked, looking genuinely curious about what her answer would be.
Emma took a minute and thought back to when it initially happened. She hadn't been ready, plain and simple. The idea of tying her life to someone, even if that someone was Killian, terrified her. Did she feel that way now?
"I'm not too sure. How would I know that?" Emma asked, hoping for some guidance from the friendly cricket.
"I think that's up to you. But how did you feel retelling the story just now?" Archie answered, asking just the right question.
"I, I felt a little sad."
"Sad? Why is that?"
"Because, I realised that I immediately went straight to all the things that could have gone wrong if we had continued to discuss proposals and all that comes after that instead of what could have been good for the two of us. Maybe if I had allowed Killian to have more of a say, instead of just shutting him down, he might have said something that could have led to me changing my mind about getting married," Emma answered, realising she felt entirely different about this memory now.
"So what you are saying, I think, is that if you could have that conversation now, again, you would have wanted to take it further, instead of ending it so abruptly?"
Emma looked straight at Archie and smiled.
"Yes. That is exactly what I am saying."
She thought about it her entire walk home. She used to drive back to their shared house after her sessions, but her car had been in the shop once so she had to walk. Emma found this time to be relaxing and reflective, so now she walked home every time.
It had been a real eye opener, to realise that she felt so differently about her first memory she shared with Archie. It was amazing that something as simple as retelling and reliving what had already happened could change her perspective towards the thing itself. It also gave her a lot more confidence in what they were trying to do.
As she turned the corner and walked towards their house, she saw Killian in the front garden, kicking a ball around with Henry and her dad. She never knew how he did it, but as she got a little closer, Killian looked up and smiled at her. How had he'd known she was there?
"Afternoon love." As he ran up to her to kiss her, he whispered in her ear, "how was the good doctor today?"
She loved that even though everybody knew she had been seeing Archie, Killian always asked her privately how their session had went. It made it feel like only him and her knew about it.
"He was good, I was good. The afternoon went by really quickly actually. I won't say too much, but he really is helping Killian."
Killian beamed at her, pride shining out of his face.
"I'm very glad to hear that love! You certainly seem happier when you get home than you used to."
Emma smiled at him. He always knew the right thing to say.
"I hope it's alright love, but you father stopped by to kick the ball around and I invited him, your mother and Neal over for dinner. Things are looking very homey around the house so I thought it a good time to have them over," Killian asked, looking over at the boys continuously kicking the ball back and forth.
"That sounds great Killian. It'll be nice for us all to sit down together. I'll go in and wash up, you go back over and enjoy the rest of the daylight."
Killian kissed her, then brushed his lips over her forehead. He winked at her and bolted back over to intercept the ball from Henry.
Yes, they really were her boys.
"How have you been Emma? Anything exciting happen since we last spoke?" Archie always started their sessions off like this. Normally, Emma would oblige him and they would talk back and forward a bit. Not today though; she wanted to get straight into it.
"I have another memory I'd like to share with you Archie. It also ties into something that happened right after our session last time. Could we get straight into that today?"
Archie sat up straight and looked at Emma curiously.
"Of course we can Emma. Fire away when you're ready."
She didn't need time to compose herself this time; she wanted to see if this would work for her again.
Emma had been struggling for weeks to ask Killian to move in with her. I mean, it made complete sense. He had picked the house she was living in! He had picked it so they would live in it together, not so she could be there by herself, lonely. But every time she seemed poised to ask him, her insecurities got the better of her and she changed the subject.
She had decided to ask her mother about it and her solution had been simple.
"Invite him over here for dinner one night this week and see how he interacts with your family. Sometimes, all you need is an outsider's perspective." Mary Margaret had been trying to get him over for weeks and Emma had always turned her down. Family dinner was for family and Killian wasn't family. At least, she didn't think he was.
So she took her mother's advice and asked him to come with her on Friday to the Charming's loft. He had looked so delighted when she asked that she almost wanted to take it back. What if it went horribly and they became even further away from moving in together than they were now?
By Friday, her nerves were completely shot. Killian must have been able to tell as he hadn't said much on the journey over. Emma had decided at the last minute to ask Regina to swap Friday's with her so Henry could join them as well. She thought that would have helped calm her down, until she realised that she had increased the number of family members present at the dinner by inviting Henry.
It all started off really well, to her surprise. Killian was buzzing with excitement and Henry seemed genuinely happy that Killian was joining them for a change. She was the only hold out. It made no sense to her, but she realised she had never been this nervous about a family gathering before.
When they got there, her parents greeted them all warmly; her father even shook Killian's hand. Her mother gave her a reassuring wink as they all entered the loft and her mother immediately went and brought them all some hot cocoa. They joked about Snow forgetting to put extra cinnamon in Emma and Henry's cup and that seemed to set the mood for the rest of the night as a fun filled evening with gentle teasing amongst each other.
Everybody sat down for dinner a little while later and Emma went to sit down next to her mother but she ushered her to sit in between Killian and Henry.
"Sit down over there, next to both of your boys. I'll sit over next to your father."
It was such an innocent act, the three of them sitting next to each other. They had done it numerous times before in many different settings, but the thought of her mother wanting them to sit "together" at the family dinner she had been dreading, pushed Emma over the edge.
"No Mom, I think I'll sit next to Dad. I get enough of those two as it is."
As soon as the words came out of her mouth she knew she had done the wrong thing. She glanced over at Killian and his entire demeanour had changed. From being so happy, so excited at being included, he went straight to disappointed and neglected. Henry didn't seem too fazed but she knew her parents had noticed the instant change.
The evening couldn't be salvaged after that, no matter how many times Snow and David tried to brighten up the mood. Dinner was mostly Emma glancing sideways at Killian to see if he had cheered up, to no avail. She had really upset him with what she said and she didn't know what she could do to try to make him feel better.
David tried a last ditch effort and suggested they play charades together before the evening rounded up but Killian politely declined, saying that he wanted to get up early to do some repairs on the Jolly. Emma knew that was just an excuse as he had already been spending a lot of time doing just that but she let him have it; why did she have to make him feel bad to calm herself down?
Archie didn't say anything at first. He sat silently, looking at Emma, waiting for her to continue. If Emma was being honest, she wasn't sure if she wanted to continue after that particular tale.
"I'll admit Doc, that wasn't my finest moment. I just found it incredibly difficult to be in that situation with Killian. It felt so personal, so inclusive and I just wasn't sure that I was ready for that. So I lashed out, I said something I didn't even mean to make myself feel better, even though I knew it would upset Killian."
"Did it make you feel better? When you said it?" Archie asked, crossing his legs.
Emma knew this one already; she didn't even need a moment.
"No, it didn't. I immediately felt worse actually. Seeing the look on his face after I'd said it, a look that I created by being unkind, hurt me even more."
Archie smiled at her.
"So you already look at this memory differently?"
"Yeah, I do. But it's even more than that," Emma said, starting to get really excited by what she had to say next.
"Oh?"
"I thought of this in particular because after our last session, I came home to find out that Killian had invited my parents and brother around for dinner. Dad had popped round and they ended up kicking a ball around. Anyway, in the past, that sort of thing would have sent me running for the hills but it didn't this time. I was actually happy, on so many different levels. It was amazing!"
Emma paused for breath, beaming at Archie, who she noticed beamed right back.
"It felt good to realise that I was comfortable enough in our relationship to have him at a dinner with just my family. It felt even better that Killian was comfortable enough to just invite them over, with no hidden agenda and no worry that I would freak out on him. It made him so happy to be able to do that and in turn, that made me happy," Emma finished. She felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders.
Archie just kept smiling at her as he closed his notebook.
"You know Emma, I think we were both a little wary going into this, but I think it is safe to say that this has been a success. What do you think?"
Emma got up and walked towards the door, realising that she had actually run over. It was so nice that Archie realised she needed to keep going, to get it all out then and there.
"You know Doc, I think I agree with you. But, I don't think we're done with this just yet. Give me one more session, then let's talk about what comes next." Emma smiled over at him as she waved and left the room, eager to come back and nut her final piece of insecurity over her future with Killian well and truly out.
Emma really took the time to notice the little things in between her last session with Archie and her upcoming one. She felt more and more confident every session they had but there was something still holding her back, one last shred of pesky insecurity that she knew she had to overcome.
It was becoming glaringly obvious that Killian was ready for something more with her. He took her on more trips on the Jolly and took the time to begin to teach her more about sailing. It wasn't just about impressing her with his superior boatsman skills, but more about her being able to join him in his favourite activity in all the realms.
She wasn't the only one he was continuing to grow his relationship with. Killian and Henry had become attached at the hip. Henry would drag his feet in the morning, not wanting to go to school as "he learned more with Killian anyway". It made Emma's heart swell in her chest with how much Killian doted on him, always making sure he ate right and learned all the things a man his age should know.
The night before she was due to go back and see Archie, Killian surprised her with a night out for dinner, just the two of them. He had arranged for Regina to have Henry and he had persuaded her father to Sheriff solo for the evening. While she was excited, a little piece niggled at her; was tonight the night?
As Killian still couldn't drive, he asked her if she wouldn't mind a moonlight stroll to the restaurant. They talked the whole way there about nothing and everything. It was so nice to have a night off and spend it with Killian.
"This has been such a lovely night Killian," Emma said, not being able to help herself.
"We haven't even made it to our final destination yet love," Killian smiled, winking at her.
"I know that, but I just wanted you to know I'm enjoying myself."
They continued to walk together in silence for a little while, but Emma noticed that it was a comfortable silence, which warmed her heart even further. She had always thought it so lucky of two people to be so comfortable with each other that they could just be silent together. She loved that this was something her and Killian now shared.
They took a different turn than Emma was expecting, towards a restaurant they hadn't been to before. It look cosy and quaint, so her suspicions of tonight's date intensified.
Would it be so bad? Being married to Killian, spending the rest of her life with him by her side? The idea had initially caused her to want to run for the hills. To jump realms and never look back on this one. It just didn't seem likely to her that she would ever feel comfortable and secure enough in a relationship to want to become dependant on that person forever.
It occurred to her that she might feel differently now. I mean, they already lived together, they shared their things and Killian had been making all that effort to show Emma that the Jolly was hers as well. Emma had allowed Killian to come on many stakeouts with her and though she might not have realised it until right now, but Killian helped a lot with Henry. Sure, he was mostly fun with the boy but he also always had Emma's back if she needed to discipline him. He cared about Henry's education and enjoyed talking with him about what he thought his future might hold.
Were these things that constituted a marriage?
"Love you have been quiet for some time. I hope I haven't bored you with one too many stories of the Jolly of late?" Killian asked, nudging her shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I was off in my own world. What were you saying?"
"Doesn't matter now love, we've arrived."
He opened the door for her and they walked into quite possibly the cosiest looking Italian themed restaurant Emma had ever seen. They were seated almost immediately and given menus. The food all sounded glorious but the look on Killian's face was all Emma needed. He looked so genuinely happy, reading his menu while Emma had her hand on his hook. She realised, it was these smalls things that made him feel content, which in turn helped her to feel content as well.
They both ordered drinks, her a glass of red wine and him, not being able to stray from his usual, a glass of rum. Killian wanted to get an appetiser for them to share together so Emma ordered a share plate of breads and cheeses.
It was back to easy conversation and looks of love after their first part of the meal was ordered. Killian retold his story that Emma had zoned out on earlier and then he asked how her days at work had been lately.
"It's been really quiet actually, which you will never hear me complain about. Mostly, we've just been trying to help the people from the Land of Untold Stories fit in here, find some friends and a sense of purpose in this new place. It's been easy for some, but the adjustment period is definitely ongoing."
Killian smiled at her.
"What?" Emma asked, trying not to get defensive.
"Nothing love, it's just nice to see you enjoying your work and not constantly off to battle the next monster or villian. I think this is the real work of the Saviour and you are doing brilliantly."
She blushed. He was proud of her. It felt nicer than she would have expected.
"I think the Jolly will be ready for more people travelling on her soon. Maybe we could organise something with some of the new residents? A day on the ocean might do them a world of good," Killian suggested.
Now it was her turn to be proud. Her pirate, sharing his ship with perfect strangers.
"That sounds really great! We can get everyone in on it. Granny with food, Belle can supply some things for people to read and maybe Mom could help with activities? You and Dad can map out the journey; I think he would really like to help with that," Emma rushed out, immediately excited for this new adventure.
Before they could go any further, their drinks and appetizer came out and the waiter asked for their main order. Emma decided on a creamy pasta dish that the waiter said tasted like heaven, while Killian decided on a spicy pizza for one.
They talked some more about the new residents in town and slowly moved on to talking about Henry. Killian was fascinated with what his new teacher at school was calling a "syllabus".
"But what is it love? I'll be the first to admit I didn't have a damn clue what she was talking about when we last saw her."
Emma stifled a chuckle and smoothed her face out.
"It's essentially an outline of what she wants to cover for the term with her students for that subject. All teachers have to have them so that if the parents want to be able to follow what their children are learning or if a sub comes in for the day, the kids work isn't too disrupted and it's easy for anybody to follow. That's why she brought it up last time, in case we wanted to keep up with Henry."
"Maybe I should be love. I mean, ask me any question about the sea or what my days in the Royal Navy taught me, but otherwise, I'm quite clueless," Killian responded. He seemed very genuine and that only made Emma want to chuckle more.
"I think you are doing fine with what you know now. Try not to worry about it."
Their meals came out not long after that and before she knew it, they were ordering their desserts. No mention of their future had come up so far and Emma certainly wasn't going to be the one to bring it up. It did make her curious though; how was he going to do it?
Wait, did she want him to do it? What was she going to say if he did?
Just when she thought she would start panicking at all this uncertainty, she realised that she wasn't. She was perfectly calm. If she was being honest with herself, she felt quite anxious for him to ask, not for him not to.
Emma wanted gelato but Killian wanted one of the freshly made slices of tiramisu so they decided to get one each.
There wasn't a lot of talking between the two of them now. Emma thought Killian would be able to see her buzzing from his side of the table. He looked a little nervous as well, she noticed, not his usual collected and cocky self.
She fidgeted for a while, waiting for either the dessert or his question to come first. She noticed that he kept pulling at his ear and twisting his hook around so he was no better off than she was.
The dessert came and then it went. They ate in silence, with only comments of how delicious it was and how they must come back and try some of the other meals on offer. Emma kept looking over at him, to see if she could pick up on what he was going to do but he was giving nothing but nervousness away.
When the check came, Killian smiled at her and grabbed for it. Emma rolled her eyes. This was a game they always played. Killian always grabbed for the check but Emma always paid. He wasn't earning any real money so whenever something had to be paid, Emma's card came out and Killian always looked crestfallen when he couldn't contribute.
But tonight was different; he pulled a new leather wallet out of his breast pocket and took out actual money. Emma looked up at him, astonished.
"Where did you get that?"
"Do you like my surprise love? I realised that when I was taking Henry out for lessons that he would always brag about how all of his friends wished they knew how to sail as well. So, I asked the lad to help me work out how much I should charge and I've been giving lessons to the young lads and ladies at Henry's school," Killian replied, winking at her, "I really wanted to be able to take you out for a meal and not end with you paying like you always do."
Emma was lost for words.
"Come on love, don't let my pride be hurt. Say something."
Emma swallowed and beamed up at him.
"Killian, this is a wonderful surprise. I'm so happy for you! You get to do something you love while teaching kids something they will learn to love as well. It's just wonderful!"
He put the money in the book and reached for Emma's hand. He pulled her up and swept her into his arms. He kissed her all over her face and then once on the lips. She realised that he hadn't looked this happy in a while and she never wanted that to go away.
They said thank you to the waiter and started the journey home. Killian had a new bounce in his step but Emma realised there was something pulling at her. She had been so happy at how Killian had stepped up and made her and himself proud with his sailing lessons. But that had only been fleeting. She thought this evening was going to go in a different direction and now that it hadn't, she had a sad feeling surrounding her.
She had wanted Killian to propose to her. And she had wanted to say yes.
She walked into Archie's office and sat straight down. She looked at him and started to speak before he could even acknowledge her coming in.
"I have one more memory I want to share with you. Then, I have something I need to get out and I would really like your advice. Can we do that?"
Emma looked Archie straight on. It was important that she did the things she needed to today so that she could know, once and for all, what to do next.
"This exercise was designed to help you overcome your fears and insecurities. You have always been the lead on this, so do what you need to today," Archie answered, smiling at her. She could tell that he was happy she was taking the lead and guiding him, instead of the other way around. If she had the time later, maybe she would consider how far that meant she had already come.
"Okay then Doc, let's get straight into it."
Emma was notoriously bad at checking their mailbox. She missed all kinds of things and Killian wasn't versed well enough in this world to know what was important and what was junk. They had come to the decision that Killian could open everything and sort out what he thought was important and Emma would come along later and determine for herself.
It worked for a little while and Killian started to learn quite a lot about how annoying junk mail really was. It wasn't until he opened something that Emma would have preferred he didn't that they had a problem.
"Love it looks like Henry's school wants to have a meeting with his parents. Something about a 'meet and greet' with his new teacher. I assume this goes in the important pile?" Killian asked, skimming the letter.
Emma froze. She had known the high school had hired a new teacher but she didn't think Henry would be placed in her class. She knew all the other teachers so she was hoping to avoid this.
It had occurred to her that if Henry was placed with the new teacher that she would want to meet his family. It had also occurred to her that Killian might want to be involved in that. She knew Regina had her reservations but had come to an understanding with Killian, so that wouldn't be the problem.
No, the problem would be how Emma felt about it.
It seemed like a huge step forward for her, to have Killian come and meet Henry's new teacher and listen in on how he was doing at school. Emma shared everything with him now but him actually being there, in the room, felt like a whole other thing.
"Swan, did you hear what I said?" Killian asked, nudging her arm.
"Sorry, no. What did you say?"
"I was wondering if I could come to the meeting with you and Regina. I would really like to meet this teacher woman and see what she thinks of Henry. Do you think that would be okay?"
Emma stared at him evenly. She knew what he wanted the answer be and she knew what the answer should be, but what came out was something completely different.
"How would that look though? Bringing my boyfriend along to a serious meeting about my son's future. I'm not sure it's such a good idea."
She could almost feel Killian's heart break right in front of her. He had been really proud of how well him and Henry had been getting along, and it probably made sense to him that this would be the next step in their relationship. But of course, she couldn't have allowed that.
"I didn't think it would look like anything other than a male figure in Henry's life taking an interest in his education Emma. I didn't ask to be introduced as anything at all. I just wanted to be there to be present for Henry and for you."
Emma went to respond but he cut her off.
"I understand I am not the boy's father but that doesn't mean I haven't come to care for him after all this time. Hell, even Regina and I have been getting along recently. I can't see why it would be such a problem Emma, but I respect your wishes when it comes to your son. So, I won't go. And I won't ask about it again." Killian finished on that note, not letting Emma get another word in.
They didn't speak for the rest of the day after that.
Archie looked at Emma and frowned a little.
"How recently was this Emma?"
"Too recent for my liking unfortunately Doc. That's why I wanted to talk it through with you today," Emma replied, looking away from Archie. Of all of the memories they had been discussing over the past sessions, this one was the one she was least proud of.
"Alright then, fire away. How did you feel then?"
"To be honest Archie, that one was the one that hurt me and him the most. It was written all over his face when I said I didn't think he should go and what he said after really got to me. Of course his relationship with Henry was important and I should have recognised that. He only wanted to come and support Henry, to show him how much he meant to him. I think that's why this one hurt so much; it didn't actually have anything to do with me and I still cut it down straight away. It should have been for all of us to decide together, not just me saying no and that was the end of it."
Emma took a breath.
"I didn't even take the time to consider what he was suggesting and look at it from all the different angles. I did exactly what I had always done when given the choice between moving forward with the man I love or pulling up short like the scared little girl I have always been. The problem is, I can't use that as an excuse anymore."
"Why is that Emma?" Archie asked, shifting in his seat.
"Because, it's not good enough anymore. It's not just about me. It's about my parents; they have grown to love Killian like a son and they want not just me to be happy, but for him to be as well. It's about Henry; he looks up to him and thinks the sun shines right out of him. He is like a father figure to Henry and that is so important for a boy his age. But mostly, it's about Killian; I talk about how hard my life has been, but his hasn't been a picnic either. He has had some extreme hardships in his long life and he hasn't found many to love and trust along the way. But somehow, our paths crossed and he opened himself up to loving and trusting me and the relationship we have built together. I owe it not just to myself to find happiness and to tear down the precious walls I have built over my lifetime but I owe it to him as well. For us to be truly happy with each other, I have to open up and move into the future with him, no matter how scary that might be."
Emma realised she had started crying somewhere through her big confession, but when she looked over at Archie, she realised he had too.
"Emma, that was beautiful. I think you are finally ready." Archie smiled at her through tearful eyes but Emma shook her head.
"I have one more thing I want to tell you before we finish up today."
Emma stood up and moved towards the window. She wanted to look out at the horizon when she said what came next.
"Last night, Killian took me out for a romantic dinner at a new Italian place that has just opened. It was lovely, we spent all night talking and not talking and just being comfortable with each other. When the bill came, I expected to pay, like I do, but Killian surprised me. He has been earning money of his own, teaching kids at Henry's school to sail on the Jolly. It was such a lovely moment, seeing him proud of himself for being able to do that for me."
She took a deep breath and Archie interrupted her next thought.
"That sounds wonderful Emma. Go on."
"The thing is Doc, I thought he was going to propose. I mean, I spent all night looking out for signs and I thought I had it all figured out. He was going to ask over dessert and then we would walk home together in complete bliss, as an engaged couple. I wasn't even nervous about it all. I actually had figured out that I would have said yes. So when it turned out that the surprise was that he would pay for dinner, I was happy, so happy for him, but only for a second. Then I found myself incredibly disappointed. Why hadn't he proposed? And then it came to me," Emma sniffed, wiping at her eye.
"What came to you?"
"He isn't going to propose to me. I have pushed him away from ever believing I would say yes too many times that he has just resigned to not asking at all. I've done all this work, opened myself up to the possibility of a happy ending with him to work out that I've scared him off!"
Now it was Archie's turn to stand up.
"Come now Emma. Do you really think the fearless Captain Hook, who sailed the high seas for centuries searching for his revenge, only to be stopped by the love you have given him, has given up on a happy ending with you? I think you know better than that," Archie said, touching Emma's arm comfortingly.
"But that should have been the moment!"
"Maybe it wasn't. Maybe, he's going to need a little push from you in the opposite direction than he's used to, before he decides to officially ask."
"You think I just come out and tell him that he should ask me?"
Archie shook his head.
"No, I think you should come up with a way to show him that you've changed and that your answer might surprise him.
Emma's eyes lit up. She knew exactly what to do.
"Thanks Doc! I've got to go, I want to do it now. We've waiting long enough." Emma kissed Archie on the cheek, gave him a quick hug and bolted out the door. She knew exactly what she was looking for and knew exactly where to find it.
She heard the door close behind him. It had to be him; Henry was staying with her parents tonight so he could spend some time with Neal.
She grabbed it off her nightstand and raced down the stairs. It was now or never and she didn't want to wait anymore.
She raced down the stairs and straight into his arms. He stumbled backwards, surprised by her reaction to his arrival.
"What's all this love? I haven't been gone too long have I?"
Emma shook her head and grabbed his hand. She opened his palm and put the box she found in his trunk from the Jolly in it.
He looked down at it and then up at her.
Before he had the chance to say anything, she put her fingers over his lips and took a deep breath.
"I know I've probably ruined the surprise but I wanted you to know something."
She looked directly into his eyes, tears welling up.
"I wasn't ready then. I'm ready now."