I got back into reading some PruCan and while good, woah copious amounts of depressing stories. I'm trying to compensate with a sense of humour that has not matured even 1% in 2 years. This is short silly fic for canadia-eh on tumblr (kie-chu here) because she's a sweetheart and an awesome human being and y'all need to go give her some love.

Using human names, because hell if I know what's canon anymore. I'll write ten thousand dorky stories of these guys hooking up though. TEN THOUSAND.

Reviews are really appreciated :D

YOU'RE THE MAN

Matthew and Gilbert have been friends for a while. A couple of decades is short in terms of their respective life spans, and they've known each other for longer, but they're like the two kids that bunked together at summer camp for a week a few years ago and have been attached at the hip since then. They get each other, and it's one of the most human relationships each of them has had in a while. Or at least that's what Alfred will tell other people, while pretending to puke and bugging out his eyes. Matthew and Gilbert don't analyze their relationship because it's not that much of a political one at this point, so they don't really give a shit. They're each other's bros.

And because they're each other's bros for life and they get each other, their friendship takes a mildly homoerotic turn. There is a running pool about when they'll get together, lead by Alfred and consisting of Francis and Antonio because those are the only three people that really care. Ludwig does too, but he doesn't really want to hand his money over to anyone any time soon.

So after individual soul searching, where Gilbert looks really hard into Matthew's eyes and Matthew looks really hard into Gilbert's eyes, they realize that they may just have something beyond just being bros.

And because they operate on the same wavelength, they also decide to ask each other out at the same time. They don't have an individual crisis over the fact that they have just realized they are into each other. They don't dwell on if the other will accept them or reject them because they are both observant. Matthew thinks that Gilbert will say yes because Gilbert is Gilbert, and Gilbert thinks that Matthew will say yes because Gilbert is Gilbert.

However, they both have very different ways of asking each other out.

Matthew tries something like this:

They both like playing scrabble. A lot. Sometimes in English, sometimes in French, and sometimes, when Gilbert wants an ego boost, they play in German.

This time, they're playing in English, and Matthew has a plan. He has a plan, actually. A very straightforward plan, where he will spell out 'WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?' on the scrabble board during some point in the game. Matthew feels each tile carefully, because it's his set and he may or may not have nicked the necessary tiles. Gilbert keeps track of the words used and their points, so he'll catch on when Matthew does it. And after probably gloating about how Matthew still hasn't gotten enough scrabble points, Gilbert will hopefully say yes.

Except right after Matthew spells out 'YOU', Gilbert uses the U to spell out 'URETHRA'. Gilbert does a bad job of containing his laughter, even though he is a few centuries old, and Matthew just stares. He'll have to think of something else.

Gilbert himself has a more direct approach.

Well, almost direct. It's as direct as he can get without asking, because for someone who supposedly has an ego that is so big it could exist as a separate entity, he knows that he has a habit of sometimes coming on too strong and knows when to keep himself in check. Plus, who the hell makes grand and/or vague romantic gestures to the guy who he dared to go without showering for the entirety of that one road trip they took on whim?

Either ways, Gilbert is just going to ask him the question in the most direct, non-direct way. There's a meeting, then there's a break, then there's an overcoat left on one of the chairs that belongs to Matthew, because Matthew always forgets his overcoat and Gilbert always likes to use the pockets as his personal trash bin on the way out of the hall. This time however, he doesn't stick a candy wrapper or a balled up itinerary into the pockets. Instead, he places an index card in the breast pocket. It reads,

I WANT TO GRACE YOU WITH MY PRESENCE (ON A DATE). Y/N? - GILBERT,

and Matthew will either notice it immediately or some time when he's heading home.

And Matthew doesn't notice it immediately, and he doesn't notice it after Gilbert subtly taps his own chest. Matthew just gives him a slightly confused look, one that is partly made up of the excess boredom that stems from these types of meetings. Gilbert looks over Matthew's shoulder and oh that sleazy bastard Alfred has a white index card in one hand, and a phone out in the other. There is no doubt that he's seen the card, and he's taking a picture, ready to share it with just about everyone. Which Gilbert could really care less about, except for the fact that Alfred has the card and Matthew doesn't; Matthew hasn't even seen the card, so all that (minimal, maybe) effort has gone to waste. As Matthew wanders off to find something excessively caffeinated, Gilbert contemplates removing the paper from Alfred's hand and maybe the phone as well.

Arthur comes by and rolls his eyes at Alfred, then snatches the index card out of his hand. His brows furrow as he reads it, and he looks up and meets Gilbert's eyes. Gilbert shakes his head and gives a disgusted expression, and Arthur rolls his eyes. He crumples up the index card over Alfred's protests and chucks it at Alfred's head. Gilbert contemplates going after Matthew to ask him out because that is a sensible back up plan. But by the time he's found him, Matthew's engaged in a conversation with Ludwig and Gupta so he decides he'll talk to him later.

Eventually.

There is one mutually aborted attempt that the two of them tend not to speak about. It's not a drunken escapade unfortunately, because they would both like to forget about it. Instead, it involves Alfred, matchmaking, exaggerated online dating profiles and a group of swingers that show up at Matthew's place when he and Gilbert are having a video game tournament of two.

Alfred for his part is not ashamed of anything, just disappointed that those two losers can't have a good time.

It takes another full week after the aforementioned incident for anything to happen. They're in the UK, where it's surprisingly easy to get singing telegrams delivered straight to someone's hotel door. It's Matthew who sends them to Gilbert, because he sees a small ad in a tourist brochure and thinks it'll be funny. And if he gets rejected, it's ok, because Alfred has promised to go with the three singers and film Gilbert's reaction.

Matthew doesn't hear back from the singers, Gilbert, or Alfred, for the rest of the night. He's a little concerned, yes. First that Gilbert might have said no, and second (more importantly), that he might have tied them up and shoved them in a dungeon of doom. Or something like that.

But at 6 a.m the next day, the one day that Matthew is able to sleep in and not miss another meeting, the same three singers knock on his door. He answers it in his blue and orange plaid pyjamas, and it takes him ten seconds into the song to realize that he is hearing Gilbert's reply. It's a yes, and Matthew would be happier if it wasn't so early in the morning. He doesn't get jet lag, so if it's 6 a.m here, it's 6 a.m everywhere and it is not the right time for a singing telegram.

So they date. Or they try. Mostly they hang out like they did before, they're just a little more touchy-feely with each other than usual. They tell the others, and it comes to the surprise of absolutely no one (except for maybe Sealand because the kid's not too perceptive), but they're happy for the two all the same.

And they invite the group of swingers back to Matthew's place.

FIN