The King of Queers
by malkshake
It was a beautiful day in New York, but not so much at the Heffernan's house. Doug, the fat ass bastard, was watching football and drinking a beer. Just then, his bitchy wife Carrie came home from working the streets. She was in an even pissier mood than usual because she had no customers today. "Doug" she said, "we're having Deacon and Kelly and those homos Danny and Spence over for dinner. Go set the table." "Why don't you take a break from being such a whiney bitch and do it yourself" he suggested. "Fuck you, you fat bastard. Go set the fucking table." Carrie was really pissed now. "Oh fuck you, you Latina whore. I'm fucking sick of your shit." Doug said. Carrie grabbed a knife from the kitchen. "Say that again and I'll cut your balls off" she threatened. "Fuck you Hispanic bitch. Did you smuggle in any coke in your breast implants?" Doug mocked. "You fucking fat cracker!" Carrie lunged at him with the knife. Doug grabbed a cushion and held it up as a shield. The knife sliced it in half and stuffing went everywhere. "You fucker, that cost me $24.99!" Carrie screamed at him. She then attempted to stab him again. Doug dodged and tried to kick her in the ovaries. Carrie slashed at him with the knife again and cut his right nipple off. "Owww! Oh motherfucker! You bitch! That fucking hurts!" he screamed. Carrie laughed. Suddenly the doorbell rang.
Carrie and Doug tried to appear normal as the answered the door except Doug was still bitching about his nipple. "Shut the fuck up, it's not like anyone will ever see anyways" Carrie said. The opened the door and Deacon and Kelly came in. Deacon and Doug sat at the dinner table and bitched about their wives and Kelly and Carrie went in the kitchen. After awhile Doug and Deacon realized three hours had passed and they hadn't come out of the kitchen. They walked in and saw Kelly and Carrie having lesbian sex and Arthur was filming it. "Douglas, will you show me how to post this on the Interweb after?" he asked. Kelly and Carrie stopped fucking and Carrie said, "Doug and Deacon, we are in love. We're going to go get married and leave you both." "Fuck you, Kelly! I always knew you were a dyke ever since you said you didn't want to fuck me because my genitals were on the outside!" Deacon yelled. Doug just shrugged and said "Carrie's a bitch anyway." Then the back door opened and Holly came in. "Hey Holly. Wanna have an orgy with us?" Carrie said. "Oh, how did you know I am a dykey whore who likes to get busy with multiple women?" "We just knew" said Kelly. "Okay, under one condition...my dogs can join in." "Sure." So Holly, Carrie, Kelly, Holly's dogs, and Arthur had a fuck fest on the kitchen table. Doug and Deacon got some beers from the fridge and went back to watch TV.
Just then, fucking Lou Ferigno burst in wearing a pretty bikini. "I heard there was a fuck party going on in here" he said. "In the kitchen" said Doug. "Thanks". Lou went in and the noises intensified. Suddenly there was a crash. Doug checked and the kitchen table was broken. He lost it. "YOU FUCKERS! I PUT UP WITH YOUR QUEERNESS AND THIS IS WHAT I GET? FUCK YOU!" he grabbed a nearby pizza slicer and killed them all. Then he turned around. Deacon was there, and he had a noticable bulge in his pants. "You fucker!" Doug shouted and cut his dick off. Deacon died of blood loss. Just then Danny and Spence, the queerest of all, came into the kitchen. "Hi guys, wha-" before Spence could finish, Doug killed him. "What the fuck did you do that for?" Danny started crying. Doug killed him too. He then decided he would kill everyone in this shitty show so he could be the true king. Unfourtunately, he had a heart attack and died.
The end.