"You know I got this beard from a trader in a funny hat," I say out loud, stroking it proudly between the fingers of my dark plate gloves. "He was in the Darkwood Marsh, wandering around. I wanted to see what he had on him before I ended his miserable life."
"That's nice, Chicken Chaser," she says, idly swirling the wine in her glass. She isn't listen, but I talk anyway.
"He has this card on him with an image depicting this magnificent beard. Called it the tramp beard. Nothin' tramp about it, if you ask me."
"Mhm."
"It's like he just forced the hair out of my face with his mind. I was completely clean shaven! I don't even remember how much he charged me. Didn't even care. Shit was amazing. I decided not to kill him."
"How very noble of you."
"Did I ever tell you about how my whole family was murdered?"
"I don't believe so."
"Well, turns out it was just my dad. I found that out right before I met you. My dad was kind of a chump. He couldn't kill shit. Not like me. Not like my mom."
"Tragic."
"My sister sees things. Ironically, she's blind. That's her 'gift' to the world."
"Sounds amazing."
"She's not. She's a bitch, dude. Always talking down to me. Acting like she knows everything. So what if she does?"
"Honey," she says draining her glass and setting it down on the night stand next to the bed before looking over at me. "Do you ever think about shaving that awful beard?"
"Do you ever extensively fantasize about giving me blowjobs?"
"Ugh. No fucking way."
"There's your answer, Elvira."
"Can we at least work something out about you not wearing full armor with that giant goddamn hammer in your hands in bed?"
"This Obsidian Greathammer and I have been through hard times on the paths. The day I let go of it is the day somebody pries it out of my cold, dead fingers. That, or I find a better weapon. This shit is augmented, dude. Silver and lighting. It's been bathed in its fair share of balverine brains."
"The hat, though. Can we please lose the hat?"
"This pimp hat? No way. I got this shit from the demon door behind my whore house."
Mmmmm. Hedwig. My kind of bitch.
"Why in god's name did I marry you?"
"So I'd keep my mouth shut about you offing your sister. Nailing her to a barrel with an arrow, I like it. Nice, slow death. Not really my style, but I gotta admit, it turns me on, Elvira. You wanna fuck?"
"Please. You don't even get me gifts anymore."
"That reminds me," I say, handing her a fake wedding ring. "I found this in the cemetery. Stole it off of corpse. That's for you, baby."
"Oh. Uh. How lovely."
She looks like she's about to throw up. I love it when I put that look on her face. I might have to take a trip to the Darkwood bordello later.
"You ever have one of those days where the flies seem to be following you around?"
"Is that like a metaphor?"
"No, I mean literally. You see this shit? They're swarmin'."
"Yeah, uh. I wasn't gonna say anything about that. The way you said that threw me off, though."
"They're attracted to evil manstink. I mean, my hair. It's fallen out. I'm bald now. BALD. Just because I killed some chumps what looked at me crossways."
"Looked at you crossways?"
"Yeah, I got issues with that. This one time, when I was twelve, I punched a little girl and stole her teddy bear. I didn't even want the stupid teddy bear, but I still have it to this day. I didn't like the way she gander'd, you see."
"Uh-huh. You, uh. You gonna take care of this balverine situation or what?"
"Yeah, I'm getting to that. You know my mama was really into killing balverines. They called her The Balverine Basher, or some stupid shit like that. I always thought that was a gay name."
"The, uh. White Balverine is right over there, sir. It's killing people. Murdering them. Could we continue this conversation after you take care of that?"
"Hold on now, I'm getting to that. This'll only take a second. Damn, you sound like one of the girls at the bordello I own. 'Please don't make me have sex with you, Chicken Chaser. Please don't talk about murder in bed, Chicken Chaser. It's cold, Chicken Chaser, can I wear a sweater?' It's really off-putting and I don't like it."
"You own the bordello in Darkwood?"
"Yeah. Shit yeah. Stole it off a chump. Where the fuck do you think I got this bitchin' hat? Got the old owner drunk and dressed like a lady. He was all for it. After the sex, he passed out and started mumbling in his sleep about where he hid the deed. Fucking idiot. Wasn't bad, though. I'd give him a seven out of ten. Nothing truly special, but not bad. I'd dress like a lady and bang him again if there was money involved."
"There is nothing about what you just said that wasn't the most disgusting thing I've ever heard."
"I get that a lot. You know why my pappy called me Chicken Chaser?"
"Okay. The white balverine is tearing the mayor in half with his claws now. Are you gonna stop this?"
"In a goddamn minute, man! He called me Chicken Chaser because when I was a little one I would chase chickens. You wanna know why I'd chase them chickens?"
"Not particularly."
"I'd kick them! I'd kick them hard when I caught up. I liked killing small things when I was small. Now that I'm bigger, I like to kill bigger things. Like that white balverine over there. That's gonna be fun to kill."
"Oh thank god."
"I just found this big fucking hammer over there. It's a greathammer. Made of obsidian. The blackest weapon in the galaxy. You got any shiny stones I can jam in this fucker to make it whoop ass?"
"Like an augmentation?"
"That's the spice I'm after."
"If I give you this will you kill the damn thing already?"
"YOU CAN'T RUN FROM ME, MAZE," I scream out between maniacal fits of laughter. I really hope he hears me. It's part of the thing I'm doing.
Swing the hammer hard into the door, it shatters into a million splinters and I race to the staircase and I can hear him, I can hear him shrieking.
He knows what's coming for him.
I've wanted this since we first met. It was his face. It was the way he looked at me...
The hammer connects with Whisper's face and I'm laughing, I'm laughing so hard because she seriously didn't see this coming.
What a chump!
"Is that how it i-"
Swinging the massive weapon again I catch the bitch on the upswing, breaking her jaw into many tiny little pieces.
No one wins. No more heroes. Only me.
I'll kill you, I'll kill your brother, I'll kill my dumb sister and that chump Jack of Blades. Destroy the hero bloodlines and knock up some hooker and I'll live forever, live forever on the blood of the heroes.
My dick is hard and people are screaming and Whisper's head doesn't exist anymore. I find Thunder in the crowd and look him in the eye.
"I could break you. So leave it."
"You're a disappointment. You call yourself a hero?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I thought you were the greatest hero ever, mom. Do you have any idea how badly you suck right now?"
"I've gotten old, Chicken Chaser. I've gotten old and I've been imprisoned for many years."
"If you were worth a damn you wouldn't have been imprisoned in the first place. Or married a chump. And you especially wouldn't have gotten me imprisoned for four years. You suck so hard that you make me suck."
"I don't think that's a fair assessment. Other than your father being a chump, that was my bad. He's the only one who died in Oakvale."
"Well, I do. They took my BEARD, ma! My BEARD!"
"That ugly thing wasn't doing you any favors, sweetie. I mean, there's a reason you only have sex with prostitutes."
"I'm happily married, ma! I'm the mayor of Bowerstone."
"And you still only have sex with prostitutes. You told me about it several times while I was being attacked by a fucking tentacle monster."
"That was pretty sick, though. It's not every day you see live action hentai."
"What's hentai?"
"Mom?"
"Yes?"
"I'm glad you're dead."
She sighs. "Me, too."
"Who the fuck are you talking to?" Elvira asks, turning over restlessly in her sleep.
"Nobody, sweetie," I say, stroking my hammer lovingly. "Go back to sleep."
Later, when I'm forcing the sword of aeons through the face of my worthless, blind sister(she didn't even see it coming huhuhuhuhuh), I feel the power of the gods coursing through my veins and I've got a boner a mile long.
You want the world? Come and take it from me. B-|