TITLE : Stranger before my eyes
AUTHOR: M & S Shipper
SPOILERS: Everything is fair game up to and including the end of season 7, excluding requiem.
RATING: R (Mostly for Language)
CATEGORY: Romance
ARCHIVE: Yes please, just let me know where, so I can visit.
DISCLAIMER: Any remotely interesting characters aren't mine and remain the property of Chris Carter, Fox and ten thirteen. No copyright infringement intended, only meant as a small shrine to a show that has become so much more than just a show.
SUMMARY: Mulder has changed and Scully is afraid of the man he's become.
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Level 2, Hallway
FBI Building
5pm March 21st
"You're a Slut!"
"How DARE you speak to me like that!" I spat the words out at him with pure hatred.
"Well it's the truth isn't it."
"Fuck you Mulder!"
"No Thanks. Haven't got any money on me anyway, don't women like you only accept cash? " I was so close to knocking that smarmy look off his face.
"I don't know you anymore Mulder, but I do know one thing, you're a hypocrite. Your sexual innuendo and alleged innocent touching, has continued over the years and I've said nothing. Not to mention the encounters you've had with other women while on assignment!" My heart was hammering so fast in my chest now I could hardly hear the sound of my own voice.
"What gives you the right to stand there and judge me on one supposed indiscretion?" My voice was breaking as I struggled for control. " I didn't even… NO! I shouldn't have to explain myself to you!"
"Look who's calling who a hypocrite! Get off your high horse Scully and admit that you're not the innocent catholic girl you made yourself out to be. The Ice Queen? My arse! If I'd known you dropped your pants for anyone and everyone, maybe I would have had a go myself. Obviously I'm the only one here NOT getting any!"
That was the final straw and I let fly with a slap that almost made me lose my balance. There was silence for a few seconds which only made the sound of my hand meeting his face echo that much longer. I was paralysed with the knowledge of what I had just done.
The meaning of his words had stung me, but more disturbing was the way in which he'd said them. Striking him was my last desperate plea to elicit some feeling from him. I searched his eyes for some sign of regret or caring, but there was nothing. Cold detachment. The man I had steadily grown to love over the years was gone.
He raised his arm up suddenly and on reflex I flinched. He seemed taken aback momentarily, but then continued the upward motion and began to rub his chin. Any trust I had ever had in this man was gone. Now I even feared him. Who was this man before me?
A soothing trail of warm tears slid down my face and into my mouth, which had now dropped open in amazement. An unexpected sob escaped my lips before I could cover my mouth. My head spun and a wave of nausea overtook me. I had to get away from him now.
It was only then that I realised a crowd had formed around us and I had to push to get through. Blindly I ran up the hall, desperately trying to hold back the heaves working their way up my throat.
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Men's Bathroom
FBI BUILDING
9am March 26th
"Did you hear about the uproar Mr and Mrs Spooky caused the other day?"
"How could I not, everyone's talkin' about it."
My hand had reached for the door, but what I heard stopped me in my tracks. Obviously they had no idea who was back here in the stall. I had already finished my business and was about to leave but there was no way I could show my face now.
"Well apparently she's been seeing some doctor guy, probably from the morgue, and Spooky got wind of it. He went berserk. Someone said that he trashed his own office."
"There's gotta be something wrong with her to go out with someone from the morgue, It's far to morbid. Anyway, I heard today it was the AD she was going down on and Mulder caught them in the act."
My hand flew up to my mouth to suppress a chuckle. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.
"You idiot, do you always believe what everyone tells you."
"But 'I want to believe'." There was silence at first, and then two bursts of laughter, as I heard them head outside.
It seemed that my plan was working out exactly as intended. Not exactly the type I rumors I like to be hearing or spreading around, but some situations call for extreme measures.
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A D Skinners Office
FBI BUILDING
3.15pm March 25th
I didn't notice I had been drumming my fingers until Skinner shot me a look. Removing my hands from the table quickly, I muttered a small apology. I knew that no matter what I did, there was no hiding my nerves, it was written all over my face. I checked my watch for what must have been the twentieth time. He was late again, why was I not surprised.
There was a brief knock from the other side of the room, before the door opened, not waiting for an invitation.
"Sir, you wanted to see me?" As he rounded the door his eyes glanced in my direction, shocked at first by my presence. He regained his composure almost immediately though, returning to his now only to familiar vacant expression.
"Yes Mulder, sit down. I'm sure you know what this is all about."
"Actually, no sir, I don't."
"Well let me fill you in, if you hadn't noticed, Agent Scully has not been into work for a few days, and this morning she tended her resignation."
Skinner sat back in his chair, obviously expecting some kind of reaction, but I knew he wasn't going to get it. Mulder's eyes stayed focused on the AD and his face had not even flinched. Obviously confused, Skinner furrowed his brow and leaned in again.
"Now do you see why I called you in here?" He spoke as though he was addressing a child. A question but articulated just right so it sounded overtly harsh.
"Not really sir. What Agent Scully does or does not do with her time is none of my concern."
"Are you telling me you have nothing to say about Agent Scully's resignation?" He was finally starting to see what I'd been telling him for weeks now.
"That's correct sir," My shoulders slumped forward, defeated." Was there anything else."
Skinner eyed him suspiciously, holding eye contact for a few moments, he looked to me and then back again. I followed his gaze silently hoping and praying for some sign, but Mulder's gaze remained set and his jaw locked.
"No, that's all for today."
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Mulders Apartment
Alexandria
9pm March 25th
After showering, ordering dinner and watching some TV, I still couldn't relax, my mind returned over and over to that conversation in the hall. The look on her face haunted me, as well as how I had made it crumble in only a matter of seconds.
It was a day I had put off for a long while now, but I knew it had to come, it was unavoidable. The orders had been precise and unmistakable. Cut yourself off from her or we'll do it for you. I could never risk her life and they knew that. As much as I'd looked for another way I knew there was nothing else to be done and she had no idea what was going on.
It had killed me to talk to her that way. The wall Scully usually kept her feelings safely behind had crashed down with the force of her feelings. There had been too many rising up and conflicting, to ever succeed in holding them back. In her eyes I saw flashes of anger, hurt and confusion but he worst of all and unmistakable was fear. She actually flinched when I raised my hand. I was having a hard time believing it had come to this, but it had.
I had been left with no choice for my actions, she hadn't given me one. I had tried to distance myself over the weeks but she wouldn't leave. I had to do something drastic.
But in saving her life, I have basically taken my own, for I know that life without Scully is no life. It has taken her removal, to enable me to finally admit my feelings to myself. There was so much wasted time between us and now it's too late. Even if I wanted to repair the damage it would be impossible.
A small wave of hope crept into my mind. I was a lost cause now but maybe it wasn't to late for her. The doctor that took her out the other week for dinner may turn out to be 'the one'. He seemed nice enough and better still he can give her everything I can't, including stability.
My eyes grimaced shut again as I realised it was that date that had given me the idea of how to distance myself. The argument had gone much further than I'd intended. Irrevocable damage had been done. She would never forgive me.
Or would she?
Her face in Skinners office today had been almost pleading. Probably her last ditch effort to reach out. It was so like her, not to give up on me, even after all I'd done.
Getting up from the couch I mentally shook myself out of this train of thought. I wasn't doing myself any favours dwelling on what had to be. It was no use considering if she would take me back when I couldn't have her anyway.
I was heading to my bedroom when I was startled by a sharp knocking on the door. There was no need to check the peephole, I knew who it was. I froze in place, unsure of what to do next. Maybe if I kept very quiet she would….
"Mulder, I know you're in there."
Damn, it, she knows I'm here. Our psychic connection isn't doing me any favours now. It had been hard enough to be cold to her at work let alone here. Reluctantly I headed to the door, undid the lock and returned to the couch.
She hesitated for a moment and then opened the door quietly.
"I just thought I'd drop off some files I had at home."
"Sure just put them on the table." Keep your eyes on the TV Mulder, do not look at her.
"So I guess that's it then."
"Yep." The TV, only the TV, don't look away.
"Look I just wanted to say…… Mulder? Will you at least look at me?" Left with no other alternative I mentally prepared myself for what had to be done. Taking in a deep breath I turned to her.
"I think we said it best the other day in the hall Scully." Acid dripped from my tongue and my tone betrayed nothing. "Now, if you don't mind I 'd prefer it if you left now."
I saw those eyes that had previously been pleading turn hard again. Was she buying it or were my true feelings written all over my face. I didn't want her to go, it was the last thing I wanted, what was I thinking, I can't go through with this. Just being in the same room with her made my heart leap at the possibility. But she made my decision for me.
"Sure Mulder, fine, whatever." She spun on heel and left in a hurry.
I sat for a moment, not moving, I couldn't. Was that tears I had seen in her eyes? Was that what had made her leave in such a hurry? No you idiot it was you that made her leave. Her perfume lingered in the air which may has well have been another smack in the face. Only this one stung me a whole lot more.
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Scully's Office
FBI TRAINING FACILITY
6.30pm April 25th
It was hard to believe a whole month has gone by already. Not one phone call and not one email. After 7 years together, talking to each other every day, seeing each other almost as often, this is hell. It is like withdrawing from an addiction, because that's what Mulder was, a drug. My life has revolved around him and his pursuits for so long. I love the thrill, the adventure… hell I love him. He gives my life meaning and a purpose.
Now my life is empty. I look around my office slowly. There is a picture of my mother, and another of Bill and his family. But where is mine? What happened to me? It is only then I realise I am crying again, for what must be…. I've lost count of the number of times this has happened over the last month.
I gather up my coat and purse while managing to balance a pile of assignments on my hip. It is only as I turn to head out the door I realise there is an envelope on the floor. I succeed in keeping a hold of everything, and retrieve the envelope from the floor. It is addressed to me so I tuck it into my bag before continuing on.
The walk to my car is short but with all the things I'm carrying it is not a fast one. I throw everything onto the back seat, remembering to remove the envelope before getting into the front.
Expecting to find a weak excuse for a late assignment or some such nuisance I am shocked at what I do end up retrieving. Pictures, heaps of them, obviously taken from quite a distance away, because they are slightly blurred. Even though the quality is poor there is no mistaking the figure on the right. It is Mulder, he is speaking to someone who is just out of the shot.
I flick through quickly trying to find a better angle to make out the other party. No luck though. The series illustrate some kind of exchange. Mulder is handing over a pile of cases while he is receiving an envelope. I frown at the scenario unfolding before my eyes.
There is a note attached to the last of the pictures. My FBI training kicks in now. It is typed and I am ready to lay money on the fact there will be no prints on any of this. Despite this I handle only the edges. My eyes scan the note quickly.
I SEND YOU THESE PHOTOS WITH NO DEMANDS OR INSTRUCTIONS.
DO AS YOU MAY WITH THEM BUT UNDERSTAND THIS, A MAN WITH NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE TAKES MANY RISKS. HE MAY TRUST THOSE HE SHOULDN'T. EVEN YOU HAVE FAILED HIM, WHEN THINGS BECAME HARD YOU RAN AWAY. IT'S NOT TO LATE THOUGH. ONLY YOU CAN SAVE HIM AND YOURSELF.
My mind was working fast to digest this information. Immediately I was suspicious of who would have sent such a thing. Skinner? No, he would have been more direct. Kirsch? He doesn't give a shit about Mulder. The Gunmen? To dark and mysterious, even for them. I was baffled.
Without thinking I started the engine and made that all to familiar drive to Alexandria.
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Mulders Apartment
Alexandria
9.00pm April 25th
The elevator to my floor seems so much slower today. The creaking of the mechanism is more drawn out than usual. I detest these moments, any time where I have nothing left to keep myself occupied but think. Not today though. I promised I would not think of her today. She was safe now, mission accomplished, or was she.
Things have gone from bad to worse concerning my so called 'deal.' If I distanced myself from her they promised she'd be safe, but their demands continue even though I have upheld my end of the bargain. The worst of these happened yesterday when they requested all the case files pertaining directly to Scully. This scared me.
There was so much information about her abduction, memories, her cancer and worst of all that chip. If they were to take it from her again she would be defenseless against the cancer. The deal was made to save her, but now, I wonder if something did go wrong, then I couldn't help her, couldn't protect her, I'm too far away to help. What have I done?
I had been standing at my door for some time now but can't quite make the move into the solitude I know awaits me. Placing the key in the lock, I realise something is wrong. Instead of meeting resistance, the door swings open before me, unaided.
Taking in a deep breath I draw out my weapon, anticipating the worst. My eyes adjust quickly to the darkness and immediately I make out a figure on the couch.
"Scully?" I'd phrased it as a question because I still was unable to believe my own eyes.
"Hello Mulder." It was hard to tell by her tone what she was feeling. Oh, she sounded friendly enough, but there was something else that bothered me. Perhaps a touch of sarcasm.
"Jees Scully, what are you doing here?" Breathing out I lowered my gun in the same motion.
"I keep asking myself the same question. Why would I go to my ex-partners house. The one who, oh so publicly betrayed me. The one who continued to shut me out even when I swallowed my pride over and over. It's a valid question. One I continue to ask myself, even now."
She was pissed, that much was clear, and who could blame her. Under these charges I was guilty. It was the extenuating circumstances she was unaware of. Ones that seemed so valid at the time but now seemed ridiculous. They had changed the rules of the deal on me and now I would do some alterations of my own. I needed Scully, so much more than I ever imagined and in so many more ways.
"Scully, hear me out." My eyes pleaded with her for understanding. But I could see she'd carefully reconstructed that wall around her emotions.
"Why should I? Did you ever do me the same courtesy." She snapped back.
"Well, no but….."
"There's your answer then." With that she threw a pile of photos at me and stormed out of the apartment.
It only took me a second to realise what they were. It was yesterday when I had handed the case files over. Scully's files. How had she gotten these? In less than a second I had leapt from the couch and was heading out the door.
"Scully wait."
She was at the end of the hall frantically pressing the button. Silently, I thanked the higher powers for my aging elevator.
"Please Scully, come back and let me explain. Surely you didn't come all the way here to throw these at me." Her gaze was steady as she continued to watch the progress of the elevator.
"I am guilty of everything you accused me of, but please just come back and I will explain it all. Just don't leave, I'm begging you, don't leave." My voice had begun to fail me so I closed my mouth. She didn't budge though. I had lost her. It was too late.
The elevator door opened and she stepped inside. I turned and walked slowly back down the hall, as I was about to enter my apartment, I heard the elevator door as it closed. Sighing I continued inside and closed my own door, once again returning to my solitude.
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Damn him!
Now I feel like the bad guy. I'd made a grown man break down before me, and though he deserved it, it wasn't like me to do that. The doors to the lift have closed, took them long enough, but as I am about to press the button I find I can't do it.
Torn, I glance at the button again.
Damn him!
Instead of pressing 'ground' I move swiftly to the 'open door' button. How can I leave things like this. It's not in my nature. I turn and make my way back to his door. Trying the handle, I find it's open so I turn it slowly. Though the room is almost pitch black, his outline is immediately visible.
"You're right. I didn't come here to start a fight. I came because I thought you were in trouble." I waited for what seemed like hours for a response, and just as I opened my mouth to repeat myself he begins to speak.
"It isn't me that's in trouble Scully, it's you."
What? My mind reels at the thought. I had left behind my career in the FBI as an agent, and in doing so I thought I had left behind the danger too. How could a teacher be in trouble.
"You'll never forgive me, when I tell you what I know I must."
"Go on then." I was encouraging him to tell me something I was unsure I wanted to hear. His eyes refused to meet mine indicating his involvement in the situation, his guilt.
"I was contacted by a man who told me you would be killed if I didn't get you as far away from me as I could. That the only way to save you was to lose you." I opened my mouth instantly ready to berate him for not telling me sooner when he raised a hand.
"Let me finish this, there is so much more." I nodded and he went on.
"Now I wouldn't usually trust anyone on this but considering the source, I put more of a weight on the words. It was Krycek. I tried for weeks to distance myself from you but it wasn't that easy. You're not an easy woman to shake." I laughed at that, knowing full well it was the truth. "In the end I had to make sure we had the mother of all fights. That day in the hall still haunts me, I never meant a word of it, and when you cowered from me in fear, I truly despised myself."
"Mulder… I don't know what to say." So I didn't say anything. I could see his head falling forward, defeated. He must have taken my silence as anger, so I summoned up the strength to reply.
"I won't lie to you Mulder, after all our years together, I can't believe you didn't come to me with this. But, that's not to say I can't see your reasoning. What I don't understand is why you believe I am in danger now? It seems you've done as you were asked."
"That is what I thought too," His head had shot up and those eyes once again brimmed with hope and the unmistakable passion I'd once thought lost. "but after you left the bureau, they continued to make requests of me, and you were their gambling piece. Firstly they wanted some of our case files, then I had to not investigate certain cases that came up and then recently they wanted your case files. This is when I realised it was never going to end. I sacrificed us for nothing."
"Mulder, you're sacrificed nothing. There were no grand secrets in those files only our accounts of the truth, and as for me, you could never lose me." I could feel a lump forming in my throat and was doing my best to hold it back.
"There hasn't been a day when I haven't thought about you, regretted my own actions. I should never have struck you like that and as for leaving you and our work….… well I cringe at myself, even now." My head was suddenly heavy and meeting his gaze was impossible. A tear slid down my cheek but it was soon captured by one sweep of his thumb across my face. His hand settled on my chin cupping it, giving me his strength, and that touch affected me so much, I felt an involuntary tingle run down my spine. Being in such a close proximity after so long only intensified my feelings.
"I never want to hear you blaming yourself for this. Everything is my fault, I deserved everything you gave me, and as for leaving me, well I'm just surprised you haven't done that a whole lot sooner." I smiled at that. That's the Mulder I knew and loved, blaming himself for everything imaginable.
Neither of us could speak, just being in each others company again was to much. We rested forehead to forehead, our hands firmly clasped together, tears streaming down our faces. When had he taken my hand? It felt so natural that I hadn't even noticed it. After a few minutes he pulled his head away.
"What are we going to do?" He asked it as a rhetorical question, said almost wistfully. I looked into his eyes and saw the hope, love, and a warmth I had thought lost. It transformed him spreading across every inch of his features.
I simply smiled at him, not caring what the future held as long as we were together.
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End of Part One
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