The Purity Test

Author's Note: This is for Brumeier who requested I write this way back when I finished Firsts. I intended this to be a simple one shot, but thanks to Lady Irish Rose, the number of questions has expanded into much more than I previously envisioned. This is going to be chapter one of four, and hopefully this story will make people laugh, and maybe cringe here and there. After discussions with the two lovely ladies mentioned above, I am putting this as an M just because of the topics that Alice and Hatter discuss. Thank you everybody who has stuck with me ever since Firsts was first posted late last year, and don't forget to let me know what you think of this one!

Chapter One: Questions 1-12

At first Hatter tried to ignore it. The tiny giggle that emanated from Alice as she drew the laptop closer against her on the couch.

The giggle turned into a laugh, and then a guffaw. A loud guffaw that had Alice flinging her head back; her eyes closed as tears ran down her cheeks.

Hatter lowered his book, giving one look over at the window. Nothing but rain, and dark skies. "What's so funny?"

"I…what?" Alice snickered ungracefully before turning her attention over to Hatter. "What did you say?"

He smiled. "You. What's so funny?"

"Oh, it's…" Alice shook her head. "One of my friends, she posted this purity test on Facebook. Their results are just hilarious."

"A what?"

"Oh, I guess you never heard of them, right?"

"No, I…I suppose the closest thing to a purity test in Wonderland was if there was a barrier as one fucked a new girl." Hatter grinned, and raised his eyebrows. "But, that's not really what you meant, yeah?"

Alice stared at him. "Um…no. And…really?"

"Well…" Hatter shrugged. "I mean, it was kind of exciting to find that. Most of the girls in Wonderland were kind of hard up, well, at least the ones I slept with."

"Oh, my god!" she exclaimed, exasperated.

Hatter winced. "Okay, maybe too far there, yeah? Anyways, you were saying?"

She glowered at him for a moment before shaking her head. "Yes, well, it's not an actual test. I mean, this one is quite silly because all the acts have a monetary value. So, basically, the more money you have at the end…the less pure you are."

"Oh. I would be an instant millionaire."

Alice turned one eye towards him. "There aren't enough questions to make you a millionaire. Maybe you'll have a hundred dollars."

"How many questions are there?" he asked.

She scrolled down, ticking them off with her fingers. "A very odd number of forty four. That's weird. You would've thought they could've given us fifty or something."

Hatter dog-eared the corner of the page he was reading, and placed the book on the coffee table. "Let's do it."

"The test? You want to take the test?" Alice shook her head. "But, it's so silly."

He shrugged. "It's raining outside. I mean, I suppose we could have sex again, yeah?"

She chuckled. "Fine. We can take the test, and then have sex. Good?"

"Or…or…we can have sex, take the test, and then have sex again," Hatter pointed out.

Alice put the laptop down next to the book on the coffee table, and got up to grab a notebook from the desk. "No, no. Now you got me curious." She grinned, and started to write numbers down the side of the sheet with the awarded amount next to it. "Okay, so by each question I'll put the initial of whoever says yes, so I can add the whole thing up when we're done."

Hatter smirked. "I'll be rich."

"We'll see…" Alice pulled the laptop back up. "Are you ready?"

He nodded, and adjusted his brown fedora. "Bring it on."

"First question: have you ever had sex?"

"Um…yes, and so have you. I believe the last time was two hours ago."

Alice rolled her eyes. "There's going to be obvious ones here and there, but, it's a ten dollar question, so…yes." She turned her attention back to the screen. "Have you ever smoked?"

Hatter pursed his lips. "Smoked what?"

"I think they just mean cigarettes."

"Well…of course. Cigarettes, mushrooms, toast bugs-"

Alice stared up at him. "Toast bugs? What the hell are those?"

"Exactly what I said. Bugs that look like toast. You grind them up, and roll them…gives you an erection for hours," he replied. "I would only smoke one if wanted to have that much sex."

"So…Wonderland has bug Viagra?"

"Well-"

"Okay, then. My answer in case you are curious, is yes. There were a couple of times in college."

Hatter grinned. "Bad girl, but, I think you must've looked quite sexy."

"Still bad for you. Okay, here's another simple one: have you ever gotten drunk?"

"Obvious answer is yes. And you got drunk with me my second night in your world," Hatter pointed out.

"Okay, next question!" Alice exclaimed.

"As I recall you got rather-"

"The next question is: have you ever gone skinny dipping?" Alice plowed right over Hatter's sure to be embarrassing revelation. She shook her head. "Nope."

"Never?" He looked at her in shock. "You must be lying."

"No!" Alice giggled. "I mean, of course I've gone swimming, but, no! I'm too shy to take my clothes off like that!"

Hatter nodded slowly. "I suppose. I mean, considering the fact that you didn't take anything off after we fell into the lake-"

"Neither did you!" she retorted.

"I was thinking about it!"

"So, anyways…I suppose that's a yes for you?"

He grinned, and leaned against the couch. "I was fifteen. Her name was Lucy."

"I never liked the name Lucy," Alice said dismissively.

"Blonde, blue eyed-"

"Sounds slutty," she continued, ignoring Hatter's laughter. "Have you ever kissed someone of the opposite sex?"

"Hmmm." He tapped his finger against his chin, pretending to be deep in thought. "I believe so. And I believe you have too. In fact, I think I need to kiss someone of the opposite sex now." Hatter leaned forward, and kissed her on the lips. "Like that."

Alice blushed. "I suppose I do like kissing you."

"Mmmmm," he murmured. "I hope so, because I really like kissing you." Hatter nuzzled his scuffed up cheeks against her neck. "Maybe we should take a little break."

"Ahhhh! No!" Alice squirmed, giggling. "I wanna finish this!"

"Fine," Hatter muttered. "Next question."

"Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?" she asked. "No."

"Yes."

Alice gaped at him. "Yes? When?"

"In Wonderland. It was an Unbirthday party and we were trying the Lust Tea." Hatter shrugged. "Everybody was kissing, and shagging everybody else, so…I kissed a couple of guys."

"Did you like it?"

He scrunched his forehead up in thought. "I didn't hate it. Was a tad rougher-"

"Ah, then you liked it." Alice's cheeks reddened. "I just got an image of you kissing some guy."

"Did he have blonde hair?"

"No."

"Then it wasn't the guy I snogged." Hatter grinned cheekily, adjusting his hat.

She pursed her lips. "Right. Next question, although now I'm scared to hear some of the answers to some of them." Alice scrolled down. "Have you ever cheated on a test?"

"A test?" he asked.

"Like at school, you know, like in math or something," Alice explained.

Hatter nodded. "Well, that would actually require me to have gone to school, so…no."

"You didn't go to school?" she asked.

"I'm not a Card, Alice. Only those who belonged to the Houses got to go to school." He chuckled lightly. "I'm a Hatter, not exactly the most trustworthy family in Wonderland."

"Hatter…"

He cleared his throat. "And, I'm sure the answer is no for you too, my dear, innocent, Alice."

"Er…well, no. I have to admit to cheating off Jennifer Krozawki's science test in the fifth grade." She covered her face with her hands. "I felt so guilty that I woke up in the middle of the night, and I admitted everything to my parents."

Hatter snickered. "Alice!"

"Stop!" she blushed. "I felt so bad!"

"What kind of horrible trouble did you get into?"

She smiled. "Actually…none. My parents…I think now they must've found it funny because all they said was that my guilt was punishment enough." Alice wrote her initials down next to the number. "Okay, so I think for the next question, the answer for you will be no."

"You don't know that."

"It has to do with school again," Alice replied.

"Or, you could be right. What's the question?"

"Have you ever fallen asleep in class?" she ticked off. "And, yes. I did. Once. But, in my defense it was in college, and I was out all night with my friends."

He grinned. "Were you hung over?"

"Maybe…just a little. I had just broken up with this idiot, and my friend Hillary said that drinking was a quick way for me to forget him," Alice rambled. "So, I…I just lay my head down on top of my notebook, and…yeah."

"I just love the fact that you went to your class hung over."

"Shush." But Alice was smiling, her cheeks turning a common pink. "Okay, do you want me to continue with this?"

"Please do. But, I'm still waiting for the naughty questions," Hatter said, winking at her.

"Still have a while. The next question is another one about school, as in, have you ever been expelled?" She shook her head. "Nope. I was a good girl."

"Minus the cheating on the test. But, I'm sure if I was in school, I would've been expelled for something."

"What?" Alice looked at him in mock horror. "Are you trying to tell me that my boyfriend would have been less than a model student?"

He waggled his eyebrows. "Well…I am impulsive, yeah?"

"So…the answer is yes for the next question, obviously." Alice adjusted the computer screen back. "Have you ever been in a fist fight?" She nodded. "I saw you punch out quite a few people in Wonderland."

"Oi!" Hatter exclaimed, and reached over to tickle her feet. "I was defending you!"

She laughed, trying to get away from him. "Still counts! Besides, you can't tell me that was the only time that you ever fought someone."

"Fine. No, the first time I got in a fist fight was when I was ten."

"Ten? You must've been a scrawny little thing."

"Hey! The Hatter name was being besmirched! I had to teach that little girl a lesson!" he huffed.

"A girl? You punched a little girl?" Alice asked, shocked.

"Hey, just because she was nine doesn't make her any less of a bitch," he pointed out. "And you got into a fist fight too."

"I don't think I actively punched anybody in Wonderland. I mean, I jabbed them…" Alice trailed off. "Fine. I'll give myself points for that." She grinned. "Here's some naughty ones. Have you ever performed oral sex? Have you ever received oral sex?"

"Let's see…" Hatter pretended to think. "I believe the answer is yes to both. In fact, I think just three days ago I had you moaning in ecstasy on the bed as I licked you."

"And obviously from just how well you did it, I was not your first."

"No…"

Alice bit her lip. "Who was she? The first girl you went down on?"

"I don't think she matters, Alice."

"Come on! I don't know anything about this part of you, so…just tell me," Alice nearly begged. "I'll tell you mind."

Hatter nodded. "Okay. I was fourteen, and her name was Vanessa-"

"Vanessa?" Alice interrupted, "ooooh, fancy."

"Yeah. She offered herself to me, you know…I eat her out, and she licks me." He smiled. "I think it worked out quite well. Her tongue could do…" Hatter glanced at Alice. "But, nothing compared to what you did to my cock in the shower."

"Liar," Alice muttered. "I saw how some of those Wonderland girls dressed. I'm sure that sucking off a guy's cock was taught in etiquette classes there."

"For the Casino girls, yeah, probably," Hatter joked. "So, that's mine. Now, you, my Alice. Who was the first guy you sucked off?"

Alice paused. "You're going to hate it. But, unlike you, Mr. Fourteen year old, I wasn't experimenting a lot with sex at such a young age."

"More for me to do with you then." Hatter started to lean over her; his eyes twinkling.

"It was Jack," she said quickly.

Hatter froze. "Jack? Prince Cock Block himself? You sucked his cock?"

"Well…I really liked him."

Hatter closed the laptop, and put the computer and notebook on the coffee table. "I think we should take a break."

"Oh?"

"Yes, I think I should remind you of what a proper Wonderland man's cock should taste like."

Alice burst out laughing. "Oh, really? Well, in the case, I think I should eradicate the memory of Vanessa. Give you something better to lick."

Hatter tipped his hat, and began to pull down Alice's lounge pants. "Go for it."

Author's Note: So, here you go, the first chapter. Um…let me know what you think! Please?