Summary: This brief story is in answer to Lauren's Word Challenge--"conversant."

Disclaimer: Hogan's Heroes is owned by Paramount, Viacom and others; this is an original story that does not intend to infringe on their copyright. Feedback is welcome!

Copyright: March 2003

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Everything About Everything

By Syl Francis

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"Boy, he sure knows everything about everything!" Carter said. The heroes were returning from an especially harrowing mission, which had involved blowing up a trellis bridge just as a cargo train that was hauling new Messerschmitt fighters fresh off the assembly line was crossing it. The entire operation took them all of six hours to accomplish...

As soon as the underground informed Hogan of the date and time that the train would be crossing the bridge, he began planning the mission. Taking out a map and protractor, he located the bridge crossing, sat down at his field table, took out a notepad, sketched out a few ideas, and then turned and faced them.

"This is what we're gonna do, fellas," he began.

"Begging the Colonel's pardon," Newkirk interjected, "but now you've really gone round the bend!"

"Stow it, Newkirk!" Kinchloe warned.

"Not this time, mate!" Newkirk insisted. "Colonel, that bridge crossing is almost 20 miles away! We'll never make it there and back before roll call. And it will probably be heavily guarded--maybe even by SS!" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Colonel, but I think that this time we need to say 'no' to HQ."   

"Aw, come on, Newkirk," Carter said, his tone placating. "You can't be sure that the bridge will be guarded by SS. I mean, we're talking about Messerschmitts! It'll probably be guarded by the Gestapo!"

"Thank you, Andrew...That makes me feel better." Newkirk gave him a dark scowl. Carter gave him an innocent smile in return. Newkirk turned to Hogan. "Colonel...we've been very lucky up to now, but even you can't plan for every contingency. Let's face it, sir...you don't know everything."

"I never claimed I did, Newkirk," Hogan said with a shrug. Giving the RAF corporal one of his easy, charming smiles, he added, "If I knew everything, I'd be a general." His normally soft, brown eyes suddenly hardened. "Of course, I may be only a colonel, but I'm still in command, and I say, the mission is a go." His eyes pinned Newkirk to the spot. "However, this is still an all-volunteer outfit, so anytime you wish to walk out that door, Corporal Newkirk--" He jerked his head towards the door. "--You're free to do so."

Hogan deliberately looked at his watch. "But make your decision now, because I'm on a strict time table." Newkirk swallowed.

"I-I'm in, sir," he said quietly. Hogan nodded curtly and turned to the map. Carter, on the other hand, pounded his friend on the back.

"This'll be great, Newkirk!" he said. "You'll see! The colonel knows everything about everything!" Newkirk glared at his friend.

"Oh, put a sock in it, Carter," he growled. They all gathered around the map for the mission briefing. As Hogan went over the operations plan, Newkirk envisioned several disastrous scenarios in his mind--each ending with Hogan's men either being captured, shot, or both. Bleakly, he added privately, Nobody knows everything about everything...

Now, from their crouched positions in the heavy brush, they watched Hogan's retreating back, Carter with a mixture of awe and hero worship, Newkirk with new respect.

"Boy, can you beat how he planned for those SS guards? I'm beginning to think that the colonel is part Kraut. He had them so scared, I thought a couple of 'em were ready to jump in the river." Newkirk grinned at the recollection...

Hogan's SS General was a sight to behold, even more frightening than the real thing! By the time he was done, General Hoganhoffer had ordered the officer of the guard to double time the entire watch to the opposite side of the bridge under the pretext that underground agents were sighted in the area, probably planning to blow the bridge.

Of course, as soon as the SS guards crossed to the other side, Hogan's men quickly got to work. Under Carter's expert guidance, the heroes hurriedly wired the bridge for demolition, and less than a half hour later, the bridge went up in a Carter Special pyrotechnic show--taking the train and its cargo of fighter planes along with it...

"It's like I always say, Andrew," Newkirk replied complacently. "The colonel is one of those blokes who is conversant in all subjects."

"You always say that?" Carter asked doubtfully.

"Every mission." Newkirk grinned smugly.

"Oh." Carter turned quizzical eyes on his friend. "What's 'conversant' mean?"

Newkirk rolled his eyes. "'Conversant,' my dear, Carter, means that the colonel knows everything about everything!" Carter nodded eagerly.

"Hey! That's what I just said!"

At this moment, Hogan turned and signaled Newkirk to follow. Covering the rear, Carter's eyes swept the surrounding woods in a 180-degree arc--just like Hogan had taught him long ago.

"'Conversant,'" he repeated thoughtfully. "Who knew?"

The End