This is in response to the latest episode of Casualty, Strangers. I just wanted Ethan to give Cal a hug.
Ethan was talking to him, saying something about a bill Cal might or might not have paid, but he couldn't take the words in. All he could do was stare at the piece of paper he'd just taken out of the envelope. Even when his eyes blurred with tears, he could still see the words.
"It's the paternity test result," said Cal hoarsely. His throat clogged up and for a moment or two, he couldn't speak, but he knew Ethan was waiting and he managed to get the words out. "I'm not Matilda's father."
"Oh!" Ethan almost whispered the word. He looked distraught. Cal half-held out the piece of paper and Ethan took it. He read it, then he lifted his head and looked sadly at his brother. He clearly didn't know what to say – but there was nothing to say.
Cal couldn't take anymore. Without letting go of Matilda, he put his free hand over his face and wept. He'd thought he was going to lose Matilda today, now, when he finally knew she was going to be okay, he found out that he was going to lose her after all. She'd never really been his.
"Cal…" said Ethan.
Cal sobbed harder and harder, each sob burning through his lungs and bursting out of his mouth almost as a scream. He wanted Ethan; he needed Ethan, but he knew nothing would make Ethan walk around to Cal's side of the cot and give his big brother the hug he'd been wanting all day.
Ethan had put his arms around Cal once or twice, but only to manhandle him from one place to another. Nobody had given Cal a hug except Matilda.
He felt her hand squeezing his. He didn't know if she knew he needed comfort or if she just wanted to hold her daddy's hand.
But I'm not your daddy!
Cal's sobs rose to howls: wordless sounds of desolation. Ethan, please. I need you. Just hold me. Just this once.
He heard footsteps and thought Ethan was coming to his side of the cot, but the steps moved past him. Cal's chest ached a he realised Ethan had walked away from him, but then he heard him returning; coming closer.
The footsteps stopped. He could tell Ethan was close now. He heard a soft tap as though Ethan had put something on the cot and waited for Ethan's arms to enfold him, but all he heard was Ethan walking away again.
Cal didn't really care what Ethan had brought him, but he looked anyway because he was so desperate to find something; anything that would stop the pain.
A tissue box. Very practical and useful, but Cal didn't want practical or useful. He wanted his brother.
And his daughter.
He looked at Matilda, letting the tears fall down his face unchecked. I love you, Matilda. I love you so much. You're part of me. But you're not.
He heard Ethan coming back again. Something harder and heavier was put onto the floor near Cal.
Now he's going to hug me. He's got to hug me! Please, Nibbles, just hug me.
He heard Ethan walking away.
Cal looked at what Ethan had brought him. A glass of water. Again, very practical and useful. Cal had spent most of the last few horrendous hours in tears so he probably was dehydrated.
But he didn't want water. He wanted Ethan.
And Matilda. Oh God, I want my baby girl. I just want to spend the rest of my life holding her in my arms and seeing her grow up and telling her how much I'm always going to love her…
Another wave of misery tightened his chest and caused more tears to stream from his eyes.
Then he heard Ethan's footsteps again. He came closer and closer and then there was a slight scraping sound near him, followed by more footsteps. There was a muffled thump and Cal turned to find Ethan had moved a chair so he could sit beside Cal.
Oh, hold me, Ethan. Please just hold me.
He jumped as Ethan's hand touched his arm. "Cal, I'm so, so sorry." Ethan's voice caught; he cleared his throat. "I know that won't help. I know there's nothing I can do to make you feel better. But I'm here." He squeezed Cal's upper arm lightly and then let go.
"Ethan…" Cal could barely speak. "Ethan, I know you wouldn't usually do this. I know you're going to hate it. I know I shouldn't ask. I know this whole stupid mess is all my fault."
"Of course it isn't your fault," said Ethan, but that made it worse.
If Matilda was his, it would have been his fault.
Cal's crying intensified and Ethan patted Cal's arm: a fleeting moment of warmth and affection. "What do you want to ask, Cal?"
Cal sniffed. "Ethan, will you hug me? I'm sorry, but it hurts so much and I've wanted someone to hug me all day, but no-one did and I just…" The rest of Cal's words were lost in sobs.
"Oh, Cal." Ethan's voice was tremulous but gentle. "Of course I will. I wanted to... I just didn't know what you'd want."
Cal cried some more as he felt Ethan's arms wrapping themselves around his shaking body. The pressure increased as Ethan squeezed him tightly, then he felt Ethan's hand guiding Cal's head onto his shoulder.
Cal put one arm around Ethan, but kept his other hand in Matilda's.
"I'm sorry, Cal," said Ethan shakily. His hand moved in circles on Cal's back. "I wish I could tell you everything was going to be all right, but I don't know if it will be. But I know you love Matilda and so do I. She's our family, Cal. She's your daughter and my niece and I'm going to do everything I can to help ensure you keep her."
Cal didn't say anything. He just clung tightly to his little brother; his safety net, and the tears kept coming.
"I'm here, Cal," said Ethan. He rocked Cal in his arms. "I'm right here."
Cal's arms tightened around Ethan. He didn't know how he had so many tears left. He was overcome by another violent burst of sobbing, but Ethan didn't let go. He just held Cal and murmured all kinds of things Cal couldn't quite hear because he was crying too hard, but he was grateful for it all the same.
"I love you," Cal mumbled between sobs and sniffles.
Ethan stroked his hair and spoke unsteadily. "She loves you too, Cal."
Cal realised Ethan had either misheard or misunderstood but didn't say it again. He just held on to Ethan and cried into his scrub top. It was no way to treat Ethan on his birthday, of course. Cal had planned to cook dinner for him with Matilda at his side, but he couldn't do that now.
He cried some more because he was a useless brother as well as a useless father, but then he forgot about that and thought about Matilda: the smile that he might never see again; the chubby little arms that would never again cling to him; the strong little fists curling around his fingers; those gorgeous, deep blue eyes which he was so sure came from him.
But at last, the tears stopped, though the sadness remained. Cal sat up and felt Ethan's arms slowly releasing him. His eyes looked sad and sympathetic and perhaps slightly wet, though perhaps that was the light reflecting off his glasses.
Cal took a tissue from the box Ethan had got for him and wiped his nose. Once he'd finished drying his tears, he drank some of his water. He still felt absolutely devastated and completely exhausted, but at least he was calmer now. He kissed Matilda's forehead. "Sorry, Toad. Daddy's okay now."
But I'm not okay and I'm not Daddy.
"I should go and get us something to eat," said Ethan. His voice was softer than usual and he sounded upset. "I don't suppose you're hungry, but you need to keep yourself healthy. It's not going to be an easy time. I wish I could tell you it will be, but I can't."
Cal shook his head. "I should be making you dinner. You're the birthday boy."
"We'll save that for another time," said Ethan. "I'm not in the mood and neither are you."
Cal's eyes filled with tears again. "We should have a party for Matilda. To celebrate every birthday we're not going to share with her." He put his hand over his mouth but couldn't hold back a sob.
"Of course we should," said Ethan with a little gulp. "We'll invite everyone." He put his arm around Cal, who was wiping more tears away. "We're going to get through this together, Cal. It's going to take time and it's going to hurt, but you won't be on your own."