DISCLAIMER: Well, it depends. If I'm on my meds, I'm sane enough to realise they're not mine. When I'm off my medication though....MWAHAHAHA! IT ALL BELONGS TO ME! Unfortunately, I'm on my medication at the moment, and know that the X-Men aren't mine.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Many thanks to Midget Tim, for reading this first for me, and for sticking with it, even when I wouldn't write any for ages, and considering that we don't get along most of the time. Thankyou! Also, I came up with the idea for this story in maths class, which explains why it is so warped.
CHAPTER ONE.
It was the dead of the night. In the trees, dry leaves rubbed against each other with a harsh rasping sound, and somewhere in the dark shadows, eyes glinted, and an owl hooted. The cold wind whistled along the empty street- only the street wasn't as empty as it seemed.
Four shapes emerged from the black shadowed, all meeting up in front of a large warehouse, the only building on the street- The street and building which all four shapes could have sworn wasn't there last week.
"What are you doing here, mein freund?" whispered one shape to another.
"I could ask you the same question, bub." The shape whispered back in a harsh, gravelly voice.
Another figure laughed softly, and drew his long coat tightly around him to block out some of the cold, night air. "So nice to see ya 'ere, Wolverine."
"Can it, Gumbo. I'm only here out of curiosity. Give me ten minutes, I'll be back to the bar kicking ass at the pool tables." the shape that was Wolverine growled.
The fourth figure spoke up. "Great. I get invited here, and there's not one other evil mutant in sight. Only three bloody X-Geeks."
"Toad!" The X-Men representatives exclaimed.
Suddenly, the warehouse roller door rolled up, revealing a dark, cavernous interior. The four mutants looked at each other, shrugged, and walked inside into the dark.
The moment the door shut behind them, fluorescent lights overhead flickered on, illuminating-
"What is dis place?" Gambit whispered in awe. "Some sorta scientific lab?"
"Ja, I zink so." Nightcrawler agreed.
The warehouse was filled with hundreds of cylinders, all fogged up, and fancy gadgetry as far as the eye could see. The floors were white tiles, and the walls painted spotlessly white. The reflected gleam from the lights was enough to make all of them squint. Despite the cold efficiency of the place though, it was heated, and the warm air billowed over them.
Wolverine sniffed the air. "I smell something." he muttered.
"Well, there's a shock. Wolverine, smelling something. What is the world coming too!" Toad mumbled under his breath, and Wolverine gave him a death stare.
Wolverine inhaled deeply again, and pointed towards a doorway nearly hidden at the back of the white chamber, as it blended in neatly to the walls. "That way."
The four walked through the door, and into another chamber exactly like the one they had left, including the door in the back. Then, through the door into another room that had no apparent purpose, except to be really big, really empty, and really white. Through another door they went, then along several hallways, and up couple of staircases to walk through another few chambers like the first two- full of fancy gadgets, shiny metal, and big cylinders.
"Somet'ing ain't right, mes amis." Gambit told them.
"Gee, you think?" Toad said sarcastically. "Someone call the press! Something isn't right here. DUH!"
Nightcrawler sighed. "Look, how about ve just get along until ve figure out why this warehouse has so many vooms, when it should have vun out of space a long time ago?"
"Shut up, elf." The other three told him.
Wolverine sniffed again, and popped his claws. "We're close now." he growled. "The smell is getting stronger. There's somethin' familiar about it..."
The other three began prepping for battle, even as they walked. Nightcrawler flexed his toes and tail. Gambit pulled out a few cards, and Toad started hacking up something in the back of his throat.
"You know, dat's really gross." Gambit told him.
Toad just glared at him, and spat a little green goo on the floor.
Wolverine stalked over to the next door to go through, sliced off the hinges, and pushed the door down-
"Why don't you just use the knob next time." Toad muttered.
- and began walking up the winding staircase which had been revealed. The other three followed him, until, panting with exhaustion from the long climb, they came to a doorway at the top.
"How much do you bet zat zis is just another veird voom?" Nightcrawler asked.
"I thought you holy men didn't gamble." Wolverine commented.
Nightcrawler shrugged. "Zis isn't gambling. Zis is a sure thing."
Wolverine sliced off the hinges again-
"Knob." Toad mumbled.
- and the door fell down to reveal an office.
They entered, and looked around at the very plush room with wood paneling, heavy bookcases filled with comics and books, and a carved oaken desk with a large chair behind it. The chair was facing away from them, but, ala Return of the Jedi, slowly turned around to reveal...
"AHHHHH!" The four grown men began screaming like girls, and there was a rush for the doorway. A thick metal door slammed down in place of the one that Wolverine had destroyed, and despite Wolverine's best efforts with his claws, it wouldn't budge.
"Wolverine, please don't wear yourself out. That door is adamantium." The chair's occupant said lazily, taking a minuscule sip from the can of coke in her hand.
Nightcrawler reached into a pocket, and pulled out an invitation with gold leaf edging, and fancy gold script. "Vas it you that sent us zese?"
The teenage girl in the chair smiled. "Of course. Who else would have? I need to talk to you four."
Gambit began charging up a card. "Petite, we don't know what game you're playin' but Gambit wants no part of it!"
The girl widened her brown eyes in mock innocence. "Now Gambit, why would I be playing around in some sorta game?"
Wolverine growled, and stood up close to the desk, leaned over it, and waved his claws menacingly at the girl. "Because you have no life, you sorry excuse for an author!"
The author- because that's who it was, of course- simply smiled cheerfully at him. "Well, it's nice to see you too, Logan. How have you four been lately, anyway? Any deaths I should know about?"
Toad stared at the author with an aghast look on his face for a moment, then began attacking the door, just as Wolverine had. "Let me out!" he howled. "Don't keep me here!"
"Toad, quit it!" the author yelled. "There is no escape! Deal with it! The controls to that door are on the other side, and it can only be opened by my mind, or someone on that side." At this, the author grinned a small, knowing smile, but it quickly vanished off her face, and none of the other people in the room noticed.
Toad spat again on the floor, this time in disgust.
"Would you quit doing that!" Gambit yelled.
Toad sneered. "Make me."
"Make me make you." Gambit taunted.
"Make me make you make me." Toad returned.
"Both of you shut up, ja?" Nightcrawler told them.
"Shut up, elf." They both said.
"If all of you don't shut up, I'll be forced to take drastic actions." The author warned. "And quit being mean to Nightcrawler!"
Wolverine leaped over the table at her, claws outstretched, and ready to attack. Sighing, the author held up a hand, freezing him in mid-air, and made him move backwards so he was no longer hovering over the desk. Then, she dropped the hand, and Wolverine dropped to the floor.
"I like all of you guys a lot." The author told them. "And as a result, I don't want to have to hurt you. But you are trying my patience."
"If you like us so much, why don't you let us go?" Toad asked.
The author just stared at him. "You have got to be kidding. I'm an author. It's an unwritten rule that I have to mess with you people. I can't just let you go home without some evil plot taking place first that I can turn into a story later."
"How about you just tell us what the flamin' hell is going on here?" Wolverine grumbled.
"Well, I have been trying to tell you. But you keep acting like a bunch of four year olds." She countered. "Now, have a seat."
Forest green smoke with glittery particles swirled in from nowhere, and when it cleared, four very comfortable looking chairs were revealed. The four mutants, sat down, after eyeing the chairs suspiciously.
"Now, what's going on 'ere?" Gambit asked her.
The author smiled widely. "Ah, yes, thankyou for asking. You are here because I need a DNA sample from each of you."
The mutants all stood up, and began edging slowly away from her.
"Darlin' I think it's time you took your medication." Wolverine informed her.
The author began to laugh. "There's that sense of humour that women love. Maybe I can promote that as being a limited edition extra." She said thoughtfully.
"Look here, idiot. You're not making a lot of sense." Toad said.
"And it's startin' to piss me off." Wolverine growled.
The author smiled at them, and leaned back in her chair, steepling her fingers. "You're right, I'm not. Allow me to start again. After extensive research- basically, reading many stories on the net- I have determined that you four are the most popular mutant males in the X-Men genre. So, I have decided to clone you all, and sell you to fans- providing they have enough money of course."
For a moment, the four men just stared at her. Then, simultaneously, they all stood up, and got as far away from her as possible.
"Why me?" Toad groaned.
"Because you are Movie Toad, and Movie Toad was extremely cool. Oh, quit being babies." She admonished them. "I only need a teeny bit of blood. Come here."
"Sorry kid, but I think that one Wolverine is enough." Wolverine told her.
The author shook her head. "The public doesn't agree. They want you, Logan! So, come here, put a few drops of blood in one of these test tubes, and you can all go home."
"Nightcrawler, any time you want to help, you freak, would be a good time." Toad murmured.
"Vhat do you- ohhhhh." Nightcrawler said, realization dawning on his blue furry features.
The author just smiled a tiny smile. She had known all the time that they had the opportunity to escape. It just needed someone who wasn't completely incompetent to realise it.
So, when Nightcrawler BAMF!ed out of the room, and the door opened, allowing the other three to escape, she didn't even bat an eyelid. She just smiled again, took a sip of the Coke she had created for herself earlier, and touched a small button inset into her desk.
This was going to be fun.
*****************************************************************************
Wolverine, Gambit, Toad and Nightcrawler had all run from the office as if hell's demons were at their heels. But when they reached the first of the many cloning chambers that they had to pass through, they all came to a dead stop, identical looks of confusion on their faces.
The room was spinning. And instead of there being only one door out of it like previously, there was four. And the oddest thing of all, was that each door had a name on it.
Toad.
Nightcrawler.
Gambit.
Wolverine.
"Which of de rooms do we pick? Gambit don't want ta go inta any of dem."
"Well, we have to choose one if ve vant to get out." Nightcrawler said practically.
"No shit, Sherlock." Toad sneered. "But WHICH ONE! We better choose before that psychopath comes after us."
Wolverine sniffed the air. "Can't tell what door we came through. It's like this is a completely new room." He popped his claws, an infuriated expression of his face. "What the hell has she done!"
"We know dat de petite is crazy. Dis only proves it.' Gambit said. "I say dat we split up and go through different doors. Maybe she t'inks we will stay together, non? Dis will surprise her. And, dat way, at least one of us is certain ta get out, and can get help. De exit has ta be through one of dese doors."
The other three considered for a moment.
"I'm in." said Nightcrawler.
"Me too!" piped up Toad.
"Not leavin' me out, bub." said Wolverine. He rubbed his claws together in anticipation, and sparks flew. He headed over to the door marked 'Wolverine' and prepared to open it- by slicing off the hinges, of course.
"Wolverine, wait!" Gambit yells. "She may have prepared for dis sorta situation, dat's why de doors be marked with out names."
"Thought you said she wouldn't expect this, Gumbo." Wolverine growled.
Gambit shrugged helplessly. "Gambit not de author. Gambit don't know what de crazy fille will do. But I t'ink we should be as unpredictable as possible."
Wolverine glared at him, but stomped over to the door marked Toad. Throwing it open, he walked in, and slammed it shut behind him.
Gambit chose to go to the Nightcrawler door. Hesitating for a second, he seemed to grit his teeth, as he opened the door, and quietly closed it behind him.
Toad just gave Nightcrawler a filthy look, then went through Gambit's door.
Sighing with exasperation, Nightcrawler went to the door he was left with. Wolverine. With his luck, it would be full of killer Sentinels.
"Wolverine vould love zat." Nightcrawler muttered, and entered.
Beyond the door, Nightcrawler could see only blackness. But when the door shut, Nightcrawler suddenly found himself in-
A forest?
And not just any forest. A cold, wet one. Crisp white snow crunched under his three toed foot, and Nightcrawler shivered in his pathetically thin spandex super-hero costume.
"Great. I vould get ze room full of snow." he said aloud. "And vhy am I talking to myself?" That was something to think about.
A gust of wind blew, and Nightcrawler shivered again. Darn wind chill factor! The snow billowed around him, and settled in his blue hair. It rested on his uniform for a fraction of a second, before melting through, and soaking his fur. Nightcrawler groaned. It took forever for him to dry out!
Feeling incredibly depressed, he began to head in a random direction in the hopes he would find civilisation. He had only gone a few hundred meters though, when the snow started to fall so heavily he couldn't see in front of him.
Stoically, he bore it, and continued through the woods. Having being raised in Germany, he was used to the cold, but this was ridiculous. Nightcrawler had never willingly walked outside in a blizzard while wearing spandex before. He was determined to keep going until he got help.
Well, that's what he told himself before he hit the tree.
Head down to try and keep the harsh wind out of his eyes, he didn't even see it appearing in front of him out of the snow as he approached it. As a result, he hit hard, bouncing back and clutching his nose.
"Damn it!" Nightcrawler yelled in a very un-priestly manner.
Suddenly, a cloud of green, sparkly smoke swirled up as the wind blew again, and the author stepped out.
"Ahh!" Nightcrawler yelled, stumbling backwards to get away from her Royal Insane-ness. He tripped over a damp, fallen tree branch, and landed ungracefully on his butt in a snow bank.
The author laughed merrily. "Nightcrawler, stand up. I'm sure you're cold as it is, without deliberately lounging in the snow. What would your mother say if you got pneumonia?"
Nightcrawler's pointed teeth were chattering, but he didn't reply. The author looked nice and warm in her ski jacket, thick pants and earmuffs, but he didn't say anything.
The author regarded him sympathetically. "Poor thing. I bet you're wishing you had gone through the door with your name on it now."
"Vhere..vhere am I?" Nightcrawler asked. If he wasn't already blue, he was sure he would be turning that colour. She was right about sitting in a snow bank. Not the smartest thing in the world. So, he stood up, and tried to face her with determination and grace.
The author grinned insanely. "Nightcrawler, I'd like to welcome you to Canada. Home of Wolverine."
Nightcrawler just stared at her for a moment, comprehending what she had just said. Then, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place, and he groaned. "And ze others...zey have gone into ze former lives of ze person who's door zey entered?"
The author grinned again. "Yep!" She said cheerfully. "You got this lovely environment. Aren't you lucky? I always liked the snow, I don't see much of it where I live." Scooping up a handful of snow, she began to make snowballs.
Nightcrawler shut his yellow eyes, and gave a quick prayer to God. When he opened his eyes, he saw that the author was regarding him with an amused look on her face, pile of snowballs at her side.
"Tell you what. I've always had a soft place for blue fur." She began, as green smoke covered her arm, and cleared to reveal a mug of something steaming in the cold air, and a thick blue ski jacket draped over her arm. "These are for you. I bet you'd like these." she said in a sugar sweet voice.
Nightcrawler closed his eyes again, and said to himself over and over, "I vill not be tempted, I vill not be tempted, I vill not be tempted..."
The author stepped closer. "I'll give you these," She said in the same honey coated voice, "and all you have to do for me in return is give me a tiny blood sample." She took another step closer.
Nightcrawler could smell what was in the mug now. Hot chocolate. He could see the white marshmallows floating in it. His mouth watered, and his will weakened. He was seriously considering accepting, when he suddenly had a vision of hundreds of blue furry copies of himself running around, and that made up his mind for him.
"Sorry, Author, but I vill have to decline." He told her firmly.
The author's eyes narrowed, and her smile faltered for a second, before returning as strong as ever. "That's cool. It's your choice." She told him. "Maybe one of your friends will be more agreeable. I'll leave you alone now. Just call me if you change your mind." She disappeared.
"Leave me alone? Ha! Zat you won't! I know zat you vill be back to bother me." Nightcrawler said, as something occurred to him. "Hey! How am I supposed to get out of zis place?"
*****************************************************************************
The moment what was behind the door came into view, Gambit's jaw dropped. He had been expecting dinosaurs, or the author's office again, or even the set of Star Trek, knowing the author's sick sense of humour.
Not what looked like a circus.
Gambit had emerged on a tower near the top of the tent on one of the trapeze columns. He looked down in awe. There was hundreds of people, all staring up at the roof, their faces creamy ovals with smudged features, he was so far up.
Gambit looked across at the opposite trapeze tower, and watched with amazement as a figure in a green outfit swung off on a trapeze, hanging by their feet alone. Amazing.
The person was at the bottom of their arc now, and was swinging up towards him, brown hair streaming behind like the tail of a kite, and hands outstretched.
Misinterpreting the gesture, Gambit reached out his hands to help the person onto the platform. Before he knew what was happening, the trapeze artist had grabbed his wrists, and was swinging them both back to the other platform.
The audience below began exclaiming loudly, and pointing, while the children clapped their hands in delight.
"Mon Dieu!" Gambit gasped. "Excuse moi, but you have grabbed de wrong person."
"Oh, I don't think so." the artist said, in a now disturbingly familiar voice.
"Author! Oh no!" Gambit yelled. He craned his neck up as best he could to see her face, which was beaming down at him, as they began another arc. "Let me go!"
"Alright." She said, and let go of his wrists.
"Ahhh! MERDE!" Gambit cried out, as he dropped towards the ground. As he plummeted, he could see the audience gazing at him, following him with their eyes. He hit the suspended safety net with enough force to jar his teeth, and groaned with relief as he realised that he hadn't fallen to his death.
Above him, the author disappeared, then reappeared in a cloud of green smoke beneath him, throwing her hands up in a gesture of triumph.
The audience clapped and cheered loudly, and she bowed, her dark green sequined costume glinting under the lights. She laughed, and waved her hands at the audience, who cheered even louder.
Gambit just lay in the net for a few moments, before swinging himself over the edge, and dropping lightly to the ground, despite the considerable distance.
The author glanced over at him, and smiled. Gambit didn't like the look of it at all. And there was something about this place that reminded him of someone...
"Nightcrawler." Gambit muttered to himself, thinking aloud. "Nightcrawler and de circus..."
Suddenly, there was a loud honking noise behind him. Gambit whirled around to see a tiny orange VW entering the ring. "Author, what de hell is goin' on 'ere?" he yelled, turning back to her. But she was gone, with only a few wisps of smoke in the air as testament to her prior presence.
Gambit sighed. "Fantastique." he mumbled.
Six clowns tumbled out of the little VW and surrounded Gambit. To the Cajun mutant, their painted faces were menacing, not humourous, and when they grinned at him, it was sadistic and vicious smiles.
The audience began to laugh, as the clown with the dopiest hat grabbed a cream pie from a nearby table, and grinned wickedly at him, eyes glinting menacingly in the spot light.
"Oh non you don't!" Gambit warned, backing away. "I don't want ta 'urt you, Ronald McDonald, cause you look ridiculous 'nuff, without moi makin' your face look funny. But I will if ya bother me. So shoo!"
Two clowns came up behind Gambit, and grabbed his arms. Trapped as he was, he couldn't reach the cards inside on of the deep pockets of his jacket.
"Hey, let Gambit go!" He protested. "Dis ain't funny!"
The head clown just grinned even more. Then, he slammed the pie into Gambit's face.
The pie plate clattered to the floor, as cream dripped from Gambit's face on to his beloved jacket. The two clowns let him go, and he rubbed some of the cream out of his red on black eyes. The audience roared with laughter as he stood there, frosting covered eyelashes threatening to stick together with each blink.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned to see the author dressed in a garish black and red ringmasters costume, brass buttons winking up at him.
"You!" Gambit said angrily, leveling a finger at her. "You did dis! You take me 'ere." He reached into his pocket, and removed his bo staff. Gambit extended it, and prepared to hit her with it if she tried anything, even if she was a girl. "Dis is de circus where Nightcrawler used to live, isn't it." His last comment was a statement, not a question.
The author batted her eyelashes innocently, and pulled a box of tissues out from behind her back. "Kleenex?"
Gambit reached out to grab a few, but she pulled them tantalizingly out of his reach. "Tut tut. You know what I want in return. Something tiny, and rather insignificant, that you won't really miss..."
Gambit shook his head firmly. He had made up his mind at the start of the madness, and nothing was going to change it. "Sorry author, but dere be enough Gambit's in de world already. One. Don't need ta be anymore."
The author laughed. "Ok then." Green smoke swirled up, and she began to disappear. Before her head vanished though, she said, "By the way, I think the magic segment is next. They'll probably be looking for a 'volunteer' for the cutting in half trick..." her voice trailed off as she vanished.
Gambit gulped as the evil clowns crept towards him, the menacing light returning to their eyes. This was going to be hell.
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MWAHAHAHA! And that is the end of the first chapter. Expect regular updates- the next chapter is all ready, I'm just proofreading it. By the way, I am aware it is impossible to clone from DNA, but it's easier to get a blood sample than a sperm sample. Look out for the second chapter of "What if?!- Green Eyed Girl", I am going to write more...eventually. Oh, and REVIEWS inspire me to update.
PLEASE DO NOT CALL MY SELF-INSERTATION INTO THE STORY MARY-SUEISM! I AM FAR FROM PERFECT!! I AM JUST ODD!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Many thanks to Midget Tim, for reading this first for me, and for sticking with it, even when I wouldn't write any for ages, and considering that we don't get along most of the time. Thankyou! Also, I came up with the idea for this story in maths class, which explains why it is so warped.
CHAPTER ONE.
It was the dead of the night. In the trees, dry leaves rubbed against each other with a harsh rasping sound, and somewhere in the dark shadows, eyes glinted, and an owl hooted. The cold wind whistled along the empty street- only the street wasn't as empty as it seemed.
Four shapes emerged from the black shadowed, all meeting up in front of a large warehouse, the only building on the street- The street and building which all four shapes could have sworn wasn't there last week.
"What are you doing here, mein freund?" whispered one shape to another.
"I could ask you the same question, bub." The shape whispered back in a harsh, gravelly voice.
Another figure laughed softly, and drew his long coat tightly around him to block out some of the cold, night air. "So nice to see ya 'ere, Wolverine."
"Can it, Gumbo. I'm only here out of curiosity. Give me ten minutes, I'll be back to the bar kicking ass at the pool tables." the shape that was Wolverine growled.
The fourth figure spoke up. "Great. I get invited here, and there's not one other evil mutant in sight. Only three bloody X-Geeks."
"Toad!" The X-Men representatives exclaimed.
Suddenly, the warehouse roller door rolled up, revealing a dark, cavernous interior. The four mutants looked at each other, shrugged, and walked inside into the dark.
The moment the door shut behind them, fluorescent lights overhead flickered on, illuminating-
"What is dis place?" Gambit whispered in awe. "Some sorta scientific lab?"
"Ja, I zink so." Nightcrawler agreed.
The warehouse was filled with hundreds of cylinders, all fogged up, and fancy gadgetry as far as the eye could see. The floors were white tiles, and the walls painted spotlessly white. The reflected gleam from the lights was enough to make all of them squint. Despite the cold efficiency of the place though, it was heated, and the warm air billowed over them.
Wolverine sniffed the air. "I smell something." he muttered.
"Well, there's a shock. Wolverine, smelling something. What is the world coming too!" Toad mumbled under his breath, and Wolverine gave him a death stare.
Wolverine inhaled deeply again, and pointed towards a doorway nearly hidden at the back of the white chamber, as it blended in neatly to the walls. "That way."
The four walked through the door, and into another chamber exactly like the one they had left, including the door in the back. Then, through the door into another room that had no apparent purpose, except to be really big, really empty, and really white. Through another door they went, then along several hallways, and up couple of staircases to walk through another few chambers like the first two- full of fancy gadgets, shiny metal, and big cylinders.
"Somet'ing ain't right, mes amis." Gambit told them.
"Gee, you think?" Toad said sarcastically. "Someone call the press! Something isn't right here. DUH!"
Nightcrawler sighed. "Look, how about ve just get along until ve figure out why this warehouse has so many vooms, when it should have vun out of space a long time ago?"
"Shut up, elf." The other three told him.
Wolverine sniffed again, and popped his claws. "We're close now." he growled. "The smell is getting stronger. There's somethin' familiar about it..."
The other three began prepping for battle, even as they walked. Nightcrawler flexed his toes and tail. Gambit pulled out a few cards, and Toad started hacking up something in the back of his throat.
"You know, dat's really gross." Gambit told him.
Toad just glared at him, and spat a little green goo on the floor.
Wolverine stalked over to the next door to go through, sliced off the hinges, and pushed the door down-
"Why don't you just use the knob next time." Toad muttered.
- and began walking up the winding staircase which had been revealed. The other three followed him, until, panting with exhaustion from the long climb, they came to a doorway at the top.
"How much do you bet zat zis is just another veird voom?" Nightcrawler asked.
"I thought you holy men didn't gamble." Wolverine commented.
Nightcrawler shrugged. "Zis isn't gambling. Zis is a sure thing."
Wolverine sliced off the hinges again-
"Knob." Toad mumbled.
- and the door fell down to reveal an office.
They entered, and looked around at the very plush room with wood paneling, heavy bookcases filled with comics and books, and a carved oaken desk with a large chair behind it. The chair was facing away from them, but, ala Return of the Jedi, slowly turned around to reveal...
"AHHHHH!" The four grown men began screaming like girls, and there was a rush for the doorway. A thick metal door slammed down in place of the one that Wolverine had destroyed, and despite Wolverine's best efforts with his claws, it wouldn't budge.
"Wolverine, please don't wear yourself out. That door is adamantium." The chair's occupant said lazily, taking a minuscule sip from the can of coke in her hand.
Nightcrawler reached into a pocket, and pulled out an invitation with gold leaf edging, and fancy gold script. "Vas it you that sent us zese?"
The teenage girl in the chair smiled. "Of course. Who else would have? I need to talk to you four."
Gambit began charging up a card. "Petite, we don't know what game you're playin' but Gambit wants no part of it!"
The girl widened her brown eyes in mock innocence. "Now Gambit, why would I be playing around in some sorta game?"
Wolverine growled, and stood up close to the desk, leaned over it, and waved his claws menacingly at the girl. "Because you have no life, you sorry excuse for an author!"
The author- because that's who it was, of course- simply smiled cheerfully at him. "Well, it's nice to see you too, Logan. How have you four been lately, anyway? Any deaths I should know about?"
Toad stared at the author with an aghast look on his face for a moment, then began attacking the door, just as Wolverine had. "Let me out!" he howled. "Don't keep me here!"
"Toad, quit it!" the author yelled. "There is no escape! Deal with it! The controls to that door are on the other side, and it can only be opened by my mind, or someone on that side." At this, the author grinned a small, knowing smile, but it quickly vanished off her face, and none of the other people in the room noticed.
Toad spat again on the floor, this time in disgust.
"Would you quit doing that!" Gambit yelled.
Toad sneered. "Make me."
"Make me make you." Gambit taunted.
"Make me make you make me." Toad returned.
"Both of you shut up, ja?" Nightcrawler told them.
"Shut up, elf." They both said.
"If all of you don't shut up, I'll be forced to take drastic actions." The author warned. "And quit being mean to Nightcrawler!"
Wolverine leaped over the table at her, claws outstretched, and ready to attack. Sighing, the author held up a hand, freezing him in mid-air, and made him move backwards so he was no longer hovering over the desk. Then, she dropped the hand, and Wolverine dropped to the floor.
"I like all of you guys a lot." The author told them. "And as a result, I don't want to have to hurt you. But you are trying my patience."
"If you like us so much, why don't you let us go?" Toad asked.
The author just stared at him. "You have got to be kidding. I'm an author. It's an unwritten rule that I have to mess with you people. I can't just let you go home without some evil plot taking place first that I can turn into a story later."
"How about you just tell us what the flamin' hell is going on here?" Wolverine grumbled.
"Well, I have been trying to tell you. But you keep acting like a bunch of four year olds." She countered. "Now, have a seat."
Forest green smoke with glittery particles swirled in from nowhere, and when it cleared, four very comfortable looking chairs were revealed. The four mutants, sat down, after eyeing the chairs suspiciously.
"Now, what's going on 'ere?" Gambit asked her.
The author smiled widely. "Ah, yes, thankyou for asking. You are here because I need a DNA sample from each of you."
The mutants all stood up, and began edging slowly away from her.
"Darlin' I think it's time you took your medication." Wolverine informed her.
The author began to laugh. "There's that sense of humour that women love. Maybe I can promote that as being a limited edition extra." She said thoughtfully.
"Look here, idiot. You're not making a lot of sense." Toad said.
"And it's startin' to piss me off." Wolverine growled.
The author smiled at them, and leaned back in her chair, steepling her fingers. "You're right, I'm not. Allow me to start again. After extensive research- basically, reading many stories on the net- I have determined that you four are the most popular mutant males in the X-Men genre. So, I have decided to clone you all, and sell you to fans- providing they have enough money of course."
For a moment, the four men just stared at her. Then, simultaneously, they all stood up, and got as far away from her as possible.
"Why me?" Toad groaned.
"Because you are Movie Toad, and Movie Toad was extremely cool. Oh, quit being babies." She admonished them. "I only need a teeny bit of blood. Come here."
"Sorry kid, but I think that one Wolverine is enough." Wolverine told her.
The author shook her head. "The public doesn't agree. They want you, Logan! So, come here, put a few drops of blood in one of these test tubes, and you can all go home."
"Nightcrawler, any time you want to help, you freak, would be a good time." Toad murmured.
"Vhat do you- ohhhhh." Nightcrawler said, realization dawning on his blue furry features.
The author just smiled a tiny smile. She had known all the time that they had the opportunity to escape. It just needed someone who wasn't completely incompetent to realise it.
So, when Nightcrawler BAMF!ed out of the room, and the door opened, allowing the other three to escape, she didn't even bat an eyelid. She just smiled again, took a sip of the Coke she had created for herself earlier, and touched a small button inset into her desk.
This was going to be fun.
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Wolverine, Gambit, Toad and Nightcrawler had all run from the office as if hell's demons were at their heels. But when they reached the first of the many cloning chambers that they had to pass through, they all came to a dead stop, identical looks of confusion on their faces.
The room was spinning. And instead of there being only one door out of it like previously, there was four. And the oddest thing of all, was that each door had a name on it.
Toad.
Nightcrawler.
Gambit.
Wolverine.
"Which of de rooms do we pick? Gambit don't want ta go inta any of dem."
"Well, we have to choose one if ve vant to get out." Nightcrawler said practically.
"No shit, Sherlock." Toad sneered. "But WHICH ONE! We better choose before that psychopath comes after us."
Wolverine sniffed the air. "Can't tell what door we came through. It's like this is a completely new room." He popped his claws, an infuriated expression of his face. "What the hell has she done!"
"We know dat de petite is crazy. Dis only proves it.' Gambit said. "I say dat we split up and go through different doors. Maybe she t'inks we will stay together, non? Dis will surprise her. And, dat way, at least one of us is certain ta get out, and can get help. De exit has ta be through one of dese doors."
The other three considered for a moment.
"I'm in." said Nightcrawler.
"Me too!" piped up Toad.
"Not leavin' me out, bub." said Wolverine. He rubbed his claws together in anticipation, and sparks flew. He headed over to the door marked 'Wolverine' and prepared to open it- by slicing off the hinges, of course.
"Wolverine, wait!" Gambit yells. "She may have prepared for dis sorta situation, dat's why de doors be marked with out names."
"Thought you said she wouldn't expect this, Gumbo." Wolverine growled.
Gambit shrugged helplessly. "Gambit not de author. Gambit don't know what de crazy fille will do. But I t'ink we should be as unpredictable as possible."
Wolverine glared at him, but stomped over to the door marked Toad. Throwing it open, he walked in, and slammed it shut behind him.
Gambit chose to go to the Nightcrawler door. Hesitating for a second, he seemed to grit his teeth, as he opened the door, and quietly closed it behind him.
Toad just gave Nightcrawler a filthy look, then went through Gambit's door.
Sighing with exasperation, Nightcrawler went to the door he was left with. Wolverine. With his luck, it would be full of killer Sentinels.
"Wolverine vould love zat." Nightcrawler muttered, and entered.
Beyond the door, Nightcrawler could see only blackness. But when the door shut, Nightcrawler suddenly found himself in-
A forest?
And not just any forest. A cold, wet one. Crisp white snow crunched under his three toed foot, and Nightcrawler shivered in his pathetically thin spandex super-hero costume.
"Great. I vould get ze room full of snow." he said aloud. "And vhy am I talking to myself?" That was something to think about.
A gust of wind blew, and Nightcrawler shivered again. Darn wind chill factor! The snow billowed around him, and settled in his blue hair. It rested on his uniform for a fraction of a second, before melting through, and soaking his fur. Nightcrawler groaned. It took forever for him to dry out!
Feeling incredibly depressed, he began to head in a random direction in the hopes he would find civilisation. He had only gone a few hundred meters though, when the snow started to fall so heavily he couldn't see in front of him.
Stoically, he bore it, and continued through the woods. Having being raised in Germany, he was used to the cold, but this was ridiculous. Nightcrawler had never willingly walked outside in a blizzard while wearing spandex before. He was determined to keep going until he got help.
Well, that's what he told himself before he hit the tree.
Head down to try and keep the harsh wind out of his eyes, he didn't even see it appearing in front of him out of the snow as he approached it. As a result, he hit hard, bouncing back and clutching his nose.
"Damn it!" Nightcrawler yelled in a very un-priestly manner.
Suddenly, a cloud of green, sparkly smoke swirled up as the wind blew again, and the author stepped out.
"Ahh!" Nightcrawler yelled, stumbling backwards to get away from her Royal Insane-ness. He tripped over a damp, fallen tree branch, and landed ungracefully on his butt in a snow bank.
The author laughed merrily. "Nightcrawler, stand up. I'm sure you're cold as it is, without deliberately lounging in the snow. What would your mother say if you got pneumonia?"
Nightcrawler's pointed teeth were chattering, but he didn't reply. The author looked nice and warm in her ski jacket, thick pants and earmuffs, but he didn't say anything.
The author regarded him sympathetically. "Poor thing. I bet you're wishing you had gone through the door with your name on it now."
"Vhere..vhere am I?" Nightcrawler asked. If he wasn't already blue, he was sure he would be turning that colour. She was right about sitting in a snow bank. Not the smartest thing in the world. So, he stood up, and tried to face her with determination and grace.
The author grinned insanely. "Nightcrawler, I'd like to welcome you to Canada. Home of Wolverine."
Nightcrawler just stared at her for a moment, comprehending what she had just said. Then, the pieces of the puzzle fell into place, and he groaned. "And ze others...zey have gone into ze former lives of ze person who's door zey entered?"
The author grinned again. "Yep!" She said cheerfully. "You got this lovely environment. Aren't you lucky? I always liked the snow, I don't see much of it where I live." Scooping up a handful of snow, she began to make snowballs.
Nightcrawler shut his yellow eyes, and gave a quick prayer to God. When he opened his eyes, he saw that the author was regarding him with an amused look on her face, pile of snowballs at her side.
"Tell you what. I've always had a soft place for blue fur." She began, as green smoke covered her arm, and cleared to reveal a mug of something steaming in the cold air, and a thick blue ski jacket draped over her arm. "These are for you. I bet you'd like these." she said in a sugar sweet voice.
Nightcrawler closed his eyes again, and said to himself over and over, "I vill not be tempted, I vill not be tempted, I vill not be tempted..."
The author stepped closer. "I'll give you these," She said in the same honey coated voice, "and all you have to do for me in return is give me a tiny blood sample." She took another step closer.
Nightcrawler could smell what was in the mug now. Hot chocolate. He could see the white marshmallows floating in it. His mouth watered, and his will weakened. He was seriously considering accepting, when he suddenly had a vision of hundreds of blue furry copies of himself running around, and that made up his mind for him.
"Sorry, Author, but I vill have to decline." He told her firmly.
The author's eyes narrowed, and her smile faltered for a second, before returning as strong as ever. "That's cool. It's your choice." She told him. "Maybe one of your friends will be more agreeable. I'll leave you alone now. Just call me if you change your mind." She disappeared.
"Leave me alone? Ha! Zat you won't! I know zat you vill be back to bother me." Nightcrawler said, as something occurred to him. "Hey! How am I supposed to get out of zis place?"
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The moment what was behind the door came into view, Gambit's jaw dropped. He had been expecting dinosaurs, or the author's office again, or even the set of Star Trek, knowing the author's sick sense of humour.
Not what looked like a circus.
Gambit had emerged on a tower near the top of the tent on one of the trapeze columns. He looked down in awe. There was hundreds of people, all staring up at the roof, their faces creamy ovals with smudged features, he was so far up.
Gambit looked across at the opposite trapeze tower, and watched with amazement as a figure in a green outfit swung off on a trapeze, hanging by their feet alone. Amazing.
The person was at the bottom of their arc now, and was swinging up towards him, brown hair streaming behind like the tail of a kite, and hands outstretched.
Misinterpreting the gesture, Gambit reached out his hands to help the person onto the platform. Before he knew what was happening, the trapeze artist had grabbed his wrists, and was swinging them both back to the other platform.
The audience below began exclaiming loudly, and pointing, while the children clapped their hands in delight.
"Mon Dieu!" Gambit gasped. "Excuse moi, but you have grabbed de wrong person."
"Oh, I don't think so." the artist said, in a now disturbingly familiar voice.
"Author! Oh no!" Gambit yelled. He craned his neck up as best he could to see her face, which was beaming down at him, as they began another arc. "Let me go!"
"Alright." She said, and let go of his wrists.
"Ahhh! MERDE!" Gambit cried out, as he dropped towards the ground. As he plummeted, he could see the audience gazing at him, following him with their eyes. He hit the suspended safety net with enough force to jar his teeth, and groaned with relief as he realised that he hadn't fallen to his death.
Above him, the author disappeared, then reappeared in a cloud of green smoke beneath him, throwing her hands up in a gesture of triumph.
The audience clapped and cheered loudly, and she bowed, her dark green sequined costume glinting under the lights. She laughed, and waved her hands at the audience, who cheered even louder.
Gambit just lay in the net for a few moments, before swinging himself over the edge, and dropping lightly to the ground, despite the considerable distance.
The author glanced over at him, and smiled. Gambit didn't like the look of it at all. And there was something about this place that reminded him of someone...
"Nightcrawler." Gambit muttered to himself, thinking aloud. "Nightcrawler and de circus..."
Suddenly, there was a loud honking noise behind him. Gambit whirled around to see a tiny orange VW entering the ring. "Author, what de hell is goin' on 'ere?" he yelled, turning back to her. But she was gone, with only a few wisps of smoke in the air as testament to her prior presence.
Gambit sighed. "Fantastique." he mumbled.
Six clowns tumbled out of the little VW and surrounded Gambit. To the Cajun mutant, their painted faces were menacing, not humourous, and when they grinned at him, it was sadistic and vicious smiles.
The audience began to laugh, as the clown with the dopiest hat grabbed a cream pie from a nearby table, and grinned wickedly at him, eyes glinting menacingly in the spot light.
"Oh non you don't!" Gambit warned, backing away. "I don't want ta 'urt you, Ronald McDonald, cause you look ridiculous 'nuff, without moi makin' your face look funny. But I will if ya bother me. So shoo!"
Two clowns came up behind Gambit, and grabbed his arms. Trapped as he was, he couldn't reach the cards inside on of the deep pockets of his jacket.
"Hey, let Gambit go!" He protested. "Dis ain't funny!"
The head clown just grinned even more. Then, he slammed the pie into Gambit's face.
The pie plate clattered to the floor, as cream dripped from Gambit's face on to his beloved jacket. The two clowns let him go, and he rubbed some of the cream out of his red on black eyes. The audience roared with laughter as he stood there, frosting covered eyelashes threatening to stick together with each blink.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned to see the author dressed in a garish black and red ringmasters costume, brass buttons winking up at him.
"You!" Gambit said angrily, leveling a finger at her. "You did dis! You take me 'ere." He reached into his pocket, and removed his bo staff. Gambit extended it, and prepared to hit her with it if she tried anything, even if she was a girl. "Dis is de circus where Nightcrawler used to live, isn't it." His last comment was a statement, not a question.
The author batted her eyelashes innocently, and pulled a box of tissues out from behind her back. "Kleenex?"
Gambit reached out to grab a few, but she pulled them tantalizingly out of his reach. "Tut tut. You know what I want in return. Something tiny, and rather insignificant, that you won't really miss..."
Gambit shook his head firmly. He had made up his mind at the start of the madness, and nothing was going to change it. "Sorry author, but dere be enough Gambit's in de world already. One. Don't need ta be anymore."
The author laughed. "Ok then." Green smoke swirled up, and she began to disappear. Before her head vanished though, she said, "By the way, I think the magic segment is next. They'll probably be looking for a 'volunteer' for the cutting in half trick..." her voice trailed off as she vanished.
Gambit gulped as the evil clowns crept towards him, the menacing light returning to their eyes. This was going to be hell.
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MWAHAHAHA! And that is the end of the first chapter. Expect regular updates- the next chapter is all ready, I'm just proofreading it. By the way, I am aware it is impossible to clone from DNA, but it's easier to get a blood sample than a sperm sample. Look out for the second chapter of "What if?!- Green Eyed Girl", I am going to write more...eventually. Oh, and REVIEWS inspire me to update.
PLEASE DO NOT CALL MY SELF-INSERTATION INTO THE STORY MARY-SUEISM! I AM FAR FROM PERFECT!! I AM JUST ODD!