RE: Eulogy
My Dear Augustus,
I would like to start by rejecting the notion that you are a shitty writer out of hand, you my love are by no means a shitty writer, the only thing shitty that you have produced is that hole that you left as you gracefully exited with that goofy smile plastered upon your face, that was what I would call shitty. But your writing skills, not necassarily so, in fact the letter in which this is a reply to practically drowned me in a puddle of my own tears which I would like to thank you oh so kindly for, my beloved, it wasn't so much an opus as a grand epic, a masterpiece that was at once the most simple piece of writing I've ever read which in my eyes blew Keats, Shakespeare and even Van Houten out of the water. It may have even given your beloved Max Mayhem a run for his money.
And you were totally correct, my number one priority isn't to have an immortal reputation, people chanting my name, being on the news, it isn't, has never been and never will be important to me and you are part of the reason that is so true. Being remembered and adored by one person can be enough and I had you, that was more than enough for me, I could've died any day during the days of our little infinity and that would've been okay because my mark had been made. Why have a million unimportant recognitions when you can have one special and completely unique one? Because even though you were never a hero to a wide variety of people, even though you never fought for the honour of a vast majority you will forever have the eternity of my love for you, you never needed a nation to love you when I always have.
And yet again I reiterate, you're quite obviously not a shitty writer if you can pull out such a beautiful line as 'my thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations' and my reply to that is that nothing in the universe is stationary, some stars burn for shorter periods of time than others but they ultimately still end up in that sky so my love, I predict your constellations will burn just as bright as ever.
As much as the notion that oblivion is inevitable is quite the bleak view I would like to offer up my explanation for it: whether you wind up a world famous author or picking up trash on a side street the pathos is still the same- live your life, do not under any circumstances witness it, while you think that leaving a visibile mark on society is essential it really is not, at times human kind hinder more often than help, why try and change the world when changing one is enough? Life is that good look you take before turning out the light so take it all in because you never know how long that lightbulb will last.
In reading your letter I was delighted to discover that you realise that and seem satisfied with the fact I was the person you made that mark on and that was more than enough. It was okay. Sometimes when I've been out in my car I've even missed your insane driving, how crazy is that? The thing which can be firstly seen as a flaw can be finally seen as endearing.
And you noticed things, you noticed me, the avid viewer of America's Next Top Model who lived her life reading the same book and sighing through Support Group, I guess on some level I have Patrick and his balls to thank for that, you noticed me and made me feel completely special and that was more than I ever expected to feel in a lifetime and that to me, makes you yourself heroic.
It's most likely not in the same manner but I have a story similar to your ICU story, that night when you went out to get cigarettes and you were vomitting on the side of the road, the point when I knew just how bad things were getting and it was tearing me up inside Gus, seeing you as practically a ghost and for that moment I almost prayed for my lungs to completely give up on me there and then after I called 911 just so you'd get the right care first and foremost which was much more important to me then so if you were going I could go too, that neither of would be really fully leaving the other behind for that long but in the end I knew how wrong that was, we would have to let things play out in the natural order of events. And believe me, I wanted more time to fall in love just as much, although that little infinity was much more than I could've ever asked for.
Sometimes I see irony in the fact that my lungs fill with water and your surname is Waters, as if you fill me up which I guess in a way you do.
You'll be pleased to know I never tire of looking at you either, right down to metaphorical cigarette you exuded a magnificence that could never make me look away even for a second. I have to admit you're one of the smartest people I know, I never honestly said how amazed I was by the thought in your metaphors but then again, I never really thought I had to because you probably knew. In fact you do know. And as a matter of fact, I love you too and I feel priviliged to love you and be loved by you, I have never tired from a single second spent with you or thinking about you and I highly doubt I ever will. I believe in this case I've gotten a say in who's hurt me and I'm afraid that would be you and Gus, that is the best choice I've ever made.
Okay?