TITLE: I'm Sorry
AUTHOR: VIDZ
PAIRING: Harm/Mac RST
WARNING: the RST is not a favourable-to-HM-shippers kind of RST. Mac and Harm don't end up happy in this and Mac isn't portrayed as Saint Mac. You've been warned, so don't complain if you don't like it!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: the poem, known by both "I'm sorry" and "Girls don't realize these things" and is recognizable by being written in cursive script. This poem has no known author and has been circling the net for years now. No copyright infringement is intended.
When I found this poem it was perfect, because it depicts HM relationship almost to the lettter, and I knew I had to use it for a Harm and Mac fic. I cut out the parts that didn't suit the situation (like the narrator saying he's not ripped or rich enough... while Harm is).
To me personally it's a much more realistic resolution to Harm and Mac's relationship, especially after Season 9, Webb, Bugme and Vukovich, than the official resolution with the show's finale. I don't know anyone who would still continue pining for a woman after she did all that to him. So this is me giving Harm the resolution and the new start he deserves.
SUMMARY: Harm has made a life changing decision, but Mac will not be happy about it. READ THE WARNINGS AND OBEY THEM
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It was a Friday night at the local bar the JAG crew regularly visited. However this night was special, for only once per month it was also a karaoke night.
It was still early in the evening, early enough for some to have gotten enough liquid courage to go on the stage, but not late enough for drunken serenades and belting out lyrics with absolutely no talent.
The door opened and a newcomer stepped in. Coates gasped when she saw the man and her gasp drew the attention of others around the table. Slowly, one by one, they turned around to look at the man that had been missing from their midst for months, after having given up what he'd lived for, for one of their own.
Silently, but with determination, Harm made his way to the stage. Climbing on it he pulled with love and care an old, worn guitar out of it's case. Taking a seat on the small bar stool he motioned to the bar-keeper to turn off the music.
The music turned off and all eyes in the bar turned to the stage, resting on the handsome man sitting there with a strong look, his lips flattened into a line.
When he was sure he had their attention he spoke into the microphone
"I'm dedicating this poem to Sarah MacKenzie. I found it on the internet, the author is unknown, I hope they'll forgive me for making use of it."
His eyes lost focus as he mentally opened a paper and began singing the lyrics, the mourning cries of his guitar even further setting the depressing mood.
I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk
Mac closed her eyes as memories came back to her, of all the times she hadn't respected him. The times she'd made a move on Harm even though they'd both been with other people was just one example. The way she'd mistreated him after he'd returned from flying was another and there were more.
I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised
I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk
This was something she'd always known. Just as Harm had said "When a man looks at you and sees something of value, you push him away… a man shows interest and you're ready." Harm had always wanted her for her, no matter how messed up she was, and yet she had always rejected him, while always responding to the men who only wanted to get into her panties.
I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.
I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to complain to,
but never good enough to date
I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up, and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy
He didn't mean it literally, because Mac was a recovering alcoholic, but figuratively. She took him for granted, took his help, support and sacrifices for granted, and then went off with another guy. Dalton, Brumby, Webb,...
I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your had a fight with your boyfriend,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend
He'd always been there when she'd needed him, but when he'd needed help she'd abandoned him, expecting him to come back only after he had fixed himself.
I'm sorry
If I start not being there because it hurts being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around
Mac's eyes widened in alarm. She was getting a bad feeling about where this was going.
I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work
Was he really saying what she thought he was saying? He couldn't be leaving her behind, moving on... It would be too ironic that after she'd demanded he move on, that he'd be moving on from her.
I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.
Turning his eyes to encompass the entire female audience, he spoke to them all
I'm sorry
If you hear this and know somebody like this
but don't care
Looking back at Mac his words were only for her again
But most of all
I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore
Realization how she'd kept using him and abusing their friendship flooded Mac and tears broke down her face when she began to comprehend just what she'd done to them. Just what she had destroyed and was about to lose forever.
I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am
She shook her head sadly. She had never accepted him for who he was, had she? She'd always hated, despised and resented him for the something that defined him, the something he had prepared for ever since he'd been a small child, the something that was the only link he had to his dead father. She wasn't the only one to have committed this grievious mistake, Annie Pendry, LCDR Parker and Miss Petersen had done it too, but that was no excuse. She knew that and she also knew it was a knowledge she'd have to live with for the rest of her life.
I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.
"There will never be an us."; "Like every woman you've ever known, she ran for her life."; rang clearly in her mind and she shivered in regret for having said them and for having given the impression he would never be good enough. When, in fact, it was she who was not good enough for him. Her decisions, her words had brought them to where they were now.
I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
"Mac, you have someone who will always love you." Why had she just let that slide with a generic comment? The man had professed his love for her, something she had worked MONTHS for, even during her own engagement party, yet she had thrown it away. Had she not done that, then this wouldn't be happening now, they would've been happy, married and perhaps even have kids.
I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talking about how you wish you could have done something different.
I'm Sorry
That I cared
The last one hurt the most, because from hearing the pain in his voice and seeing the hurt in his eyes, she could see he meant it. Caring for her had brought him nothing but heartache and suffering and he was done with it. He was done with the pain. He was done with her. For good.
The last chord echoed out as the entire bar sat in silence, still reeling from the power of the song's message.
Harm sat on his stool and looked solemnly from one woman in the audience to the next, meeting eyes with each of them, until he had done that with them all and then began to narrate the last part of the poem. He had to do this for all the other men and boys out there who were in the same situation he had been. If he made at least one of these women rethink some things, with this leading to at least one guy finally stop hurting then it was well worth it.
"Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you."
In silence Harm packed up his guitar and, with one last now-indifferent look, thanks to this cathartic deed, at Mac left the bar and her life, for good.
He wouldn't be sorry for anything anymore.
THE END
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