Dead God Sketch
Frederich Nietzsche enters a pet shop.
Nietzsche: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The Priest does not respond.)
Nietzsche: 'Ello, Miss?
Priest: What do you mean "miss"?
Nietzsche: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Priest: We're closin' for lunch.
Nietzsche: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this God what I discovered not half an hour ago from this very temple.
Priest: Oh yes, the, uh, the Almighty One...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Nietzsche: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Priest: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Nietzsche: Look, matey, I know a dead God when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Priest: No, no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable deity, the Lord of Lords, idn'it, ay? Beautiful works of nature!
Nietzsche: The nature don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Priest: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Nietzsche: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the church) 'Ello, Mister Mony God! I've got a lovely fresh hymn for you if you
show...
(Priest hits the church)
Priest: There, he moved!
Nietzsche: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the church!
Priest: I never!
Nietzsche: Yes, you did!
Priest: I never, never did anything...
Nietzsche: (yelling and hitting the church repeatedly) 'ELLO PONY! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes God out of the church and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Nietzsche: Now that's what I call a dead God.
Priest: No, no...No, 'e's stunned!
Nietzsche: STUNNED?
Priest: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Omnipotent Deities stun easily, major.
Nietzsche: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That God is definitely deceased, and when I discovered it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged creation.
Priest: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Eden.
Nietzsche: PININ' for Eden? What kind of talk is that, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Priest: The Beginning and the End prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely Mercy!
Nietzsche: Look, I took the liberty of examining that God when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Priest: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Deity down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its wonder, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Nietzsche: "VOOM"? Mate, this God wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Priest: No ,no! 'E's pining!
Nietzsche: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This God is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile! THIS IS AN EX-GOD!
(pause)
Priest: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of Gods.
Nietzsche: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Priest: I got a guy with a messianic complex.
(pause)
Nietzsche: Pray, does it talk?
Priest: Nnnnot really.
Nietzsche: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?
Priest: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Nietzsche: Well.
(pause)
Priest: (quietly) D'you... d'you want to come back to my place?
Nietzsche: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.