This is another little oneshot based on another headcanon of mine. Where while everyone's recovering and Ezra's recovery has the support, Kanan's "fine" demeanor may not be all that it seems as he's plagued by a nightmare of his own. Feel free to leave a review if you'd like. Italics=Dream
"Ezra! Open up!" Hera yelled, pounding he fist on the door. "Ezra!"
"What's going on?" Kanan quietly asked, hand placed firmly on the wall for support and to keep an idea on where he was.
Hera went over to his side, concern plastered on her already anxious face. Kanan was still getting use to his lack of sight and the fact that he had travelled as far as he did wasn't advised.
"Kanan, you shouldn't be out of the med bay. You haven't been completely cleared yet."
"Well, considering how I could hear you're shouting and I'm getting hit by Ezra's anxiety, I can't. So tell me, what is going on?"
Hera let out a sigh, knowing that it was not worth debating it now that Kanan was there and had no plan to listen to the medic's orders any time soon.
"We were just talking in the common room. Rex was reminiscing about Ahsoka and some of his memories of her. It was a nice homage to her, and Ezra was finally enjoying himself. That is until he got to when Ahsoka left the Order."
Based on her tone with the last sentence, Kanan was not liking where Hera's story was going.
"We didn't think about it at first, but when Rex explained how Ahsoka didn't know if she could trust in herself if no one on the council did, Ezra got up and bolted."
Kanan didn't need to say a word for Hera to know that he got it.
"I'll handle it." Kanan sighed, approaching Ezra's door.
His fist tapped the door in the hopes of getting Ezra's attention.
"Ezra. It's me." Kanan gently stated. "I need you to open up. We need to talk."
All Kanan and Hera could do was wait to see if Ezra would respond as they stood in the eerily silent hall. What felt like hours was only a matter of seconds, but the door would finally cracked open. Ezra peered out of the room, Kanan's frames blocking his view of the world outside of his room. Ezra knew closing the door wasn't an option, Kanan would be able to worm in before it would shut.
Ezra grabbed Kanan's hand ready to guide him inside. Kanan gave a nod I Hera's direction, letting her know that he would take care of it. Hera gave him a smile of approval, not that he would have seen it, and watched as Ezra lead Kanan inside.
Once the door closed, Ezra got Kanan over to Zeb's bunk, not wanting to risk Kanan getting hurt by climbing to the top bunk. Silence filled the room as the two Jedi got settled, sitting down next to each other.
This was the first time that Kanan could have a real conversation with Ezra, because even though Ezra visited Kanan in the med bay a few times since their return from Malachor, Ezra had been avoiding him as much as possible, mostly out of guilt. However, Ezra was secluding himself from everyone as a result.
Since Ezra decided against talking much since, Kanan knew that Ezra wouldn't start the conversation any time soon.
"So, do you want to tell me what's going on?" Kanan inquired.
"It's nothing." Ezra sighed.
"Really? I wouldn't exactly call running of while listening to one of Rex's stories nothing. Especially since you love them so much."
Ezra was silent, not wanting to respond to Kanan's statement. Patience was the only thing that Kanan could give, knowing that he didn't always have to pry in order for Ezra to open up.
"It hurts." Ezra admitted, bringing his knees to his chest.
"What does?"
Ezra seemed like he was at a loss, not immediately vocalizing his ailment. It was as though he didn't want to answer in fear of what it would cause.
"Speak to me. What bothering you Ezra?"
"Everything."
Ezra leaned onto Kanan, which prompted Kanan to throw his arm over Ezra's shoulders.
"I'm physically exhausted and the guilt is destroying me. I caused the death of Ahsoka and your blindness, not to mention I trusted Maul. I am so stupid."
Kanan could feel Ezra begin to tremble, not like where Ezra's thoughts were going.
"Hey! You are not stupid. You had no choice working with him up until we met back up, and in that time he knew how to worm his way into gaining your trust."
"How am I supposed to believe that when I can't even believe in myself? Ahsoka's lack of trust in herself was due to a freak mistake, but I can't say the same. I was in control of the situation, I was in control of my decisions, and it blew up in my face."
The pain and sorrow in Ezra's voice was evident, and Kanan knew that tears was close behind.
"We trust in you."
"Why? Why would you trust someone who makes such poor choices? Who places trust in the wrong people? Who is so naïve to anyone's sob story about how the Empire wronged them?"
"Because the events of Malachor were not your fault, at least not intentionally. We trusted you because, even though we knew Maul was more than likely up to nothing good, you deserved to be trusted. Yes, we're all suffering because of it, and it will take time before everyone's willing to recover from it. It will take time before we're all ready to accept your judgement, but you deserve our trust, because at the end of the day, you mean don't mean us any harm."
Ezra didn't respond, not knowing how to. A few minutes would pass before a repressed whimper would escape Ezra's throat. The sobbing that Kanan had predicted finally pouring out of Ezra's fatigued frame. Kanan said nothing, gently rubbing his shoulder in an attempt to comfort Ezra.
"It's okay, Ezra. It's going to be okay."
Kanan didn't care that Ezra was releasing his pain, Kanan had no desire to stop him. Slumber would soon take hold of Kanan's Padawan. Once Kanan knew that Ezra was asleep, he gently positioned Ezra into a lying position and covered him. With Ezra calm, Kanan slowly felt his way to the door.
The sound of Ezra's door opened startled Hera, who had recently been joined by Sabine, Zeb, and Rex.
"How is he?" Hera asked, barely above a whisper.
"He's okay." Kanan stated. "I mean, he still has a ways to go, but as of this moment, his okay."
The first thing that Kanan could feel was the guilt emanating off of Rex. Clearly affected by Ezra's reaction. Kanan comfortingly patted Rex on the shoulder.
"Hey, it's okay Rex. This isn't your fault."
"I still should have watched what I was saying." Rex admitted.
"That's how you're dealing with it. Reminiscing on your war stories, and your memories of Ahsoka are just as much of a coping mechanism as Sabine's increased amount of artwork and Zeb's recent excessive training. Ezra has a more chaotic way of coping with things, which isn't surprising considering his past. That's why he needs us. As his family, we are his support, and because of that, it is up to us to keep him emotionally sound."
Rex gave a nod, not that Kanan would have been able to see the gesture.
"Speaking of which, Zeb, keep a close eye on him tonight. You'll have to use his bunk since he's passed out in yours, but I need you to keep an ear out. Only come to get me if it's absolutely necessary."
"Shouldn't you be the one doing that? I mean he is closer to you."
"Normally I would, but the last thing I need is for him to wake, look at me, and go into a state of panic because of my blindness. He's not quite ready to fully come to terms with it yet, so I can't cross any of those fragile lines."
"Understood."
With that, Zeb entered the room, ready to get some sleep. Everyone took that as a sign that they could call it a day.
Kanan persuaded Hera to guide him to his room, much to the dismay of the Twi'lek. However, Kanan's reasoning had good intention. It was true that his bedroom was closer to Zeb and Ezra's than the med bay. It was because of that fact that would allow Kanan to get to Zeb and Ezra's room quicker, in the event Zeb needed Kanan's assistance. Hera couldn't argue with that logic. That along with the idea that the change of scenery might benefit Kanan in some way, was what help persuade Hera's final decision.
They stood outside of the door. Hera was having some conflicting emotions that Kanan could sense.
"Are you doing okay?" Hera questioned.
"Yeah," Kanan answered, "why do you ask?"
"It's just, we've been focusing so much of our attention on making sure that Ezra was doing alright and recovering. I've barely had time to make sure that you have been doing the same. I'm sorry."
Kanan gave her a smile, trying to alleviate at least some of her pain.
"It's okay Hera. I'm doing fine. Ezra has to be our main focus. He's the one with the more complicated emotional state. I may be recovering from my physical injuries, but all and all, I am doing just fine."
Hera shot Kanan a smile, even though she knew that he wouldn't see it. She was still anxious about the emotional status of Kanan, but since she knew that Kanan wasn't one to state his issues outright, she could only take his word for it. Since they had first joined forces, Hera had come to accept that he had a hard time letting his emotional issues out. Knowing that there wasn't much else to talk about, and knowing that Kanan wasn't about to let all of the emotionally driven details out, she allowed him to enter his room, retreating back to hers for the night.
Kanan opened his door, slowly shuffling through it, his hands acting as a guide. As familiar as he was to the surroundings, Kanan knew he still had to get use to not having access to his sight.
He managed to find his bunk, and slowly slipped under the covers. He didn't expect to miss his bed as much as he did, but he was glad to be there none the less. The med bay was about as comfortable, maybe slightly more so, but that didn't mean that he missed the comfort of his own quarters.
Falling asleep was easy, having it stay peaceful would be a whole different story. While Kanan showed a pleasant demeanor on the surface, something felt wrong internally. Something dark lingering in the back of his mind, finally coming to the surface of Kanan's resting mind.
The dark abyss welcomed Kanan. There was no sign of anything, only the black shadow wrapping around him. However, while nothing scenic could be seen around him, there was someone that he could see. Ezra several feet away from him, cornered by an all but friendly, pure hearted visitor. Maul was making a move for his own selfish desire, and Kanan was not pleased in the slightest.
"Leave him alone." Kanan ordered, briefly borrowing Maul's attention.
He was about to attack Maul when a force crushed him. It was so heavy that it left Kanan immobile on his knees. With Kanan dealt with, Maul returned his attention to the teen in front of him. Ezra, firmly holding on to Kanan's lightsaber, tried to keep Maul away. The Zabrak smiled, creeping towards him.
As Ezra was about to strike the former Sith, Maul quickly grabbed Ezra's wrist. A snapping sound could be heard as Maul all too powerfully broke his wrist. Ezra let out a scream of pain, dropping the dimmed weapon. In an attempt to release his hand, Ezra threw a punch at Maul with his other fist. However, Maul was able to intercept his blow, breaking the other wrist. A grunt of agony escaped Ezra's mouth.
"There," Maul spoke out, "now that you can't fight back you really should be coming along now Ezra."
"No!" Ezra screamed, attempting to pull his damaged limbs out of the Zabrak's grasp. "Let me go!"
"And why would I do that? I need an apprentice, and you know me so well. So you will come with me and you will do as I say."
Maul started to pull Ezra along, keeping one hand grasping Ezra. All the while, Ezra started going into a panic. His attempts to escape only grew more chaotic. So much so that Ezra tried to get himself to the ground, in an attempt to prevent Maul from dragging him away. Kicking was out of the question, knowing that it wasn't going to help him stay planted to the ground. This only seemed to irritate Maul, as he kept a firm grip on the teen shifting it up Ezra's arms, not allowing Ezra to reach the ground.
"Kanan!" Ezra screamed. "Help me!"
Kanan tried to get himself up again, wanting to save his padawan, but the pressure only seemed to increase. He could only watch in horror as Maul, who was growing tired of what little resistance Ezra's could provide, elected to throw the teen over his shoulder as he continued his escape.
"Kanan!" Ezra called out for once more.
"Ezra!" Kanan called back, the only thing that he could do.
"Your master won't save you." Maul lectured. "He is weak. If he can't even muster the strength to get up and fight, what chance does he have of saving you? And with his damage, who says he'll ever recover enough to come for you? Good bye Master Jedi. Suffer with the guilt of knowing that you failed to protect the son you've grown so fond of."
At that point, Ezra was hysterical, tears blending with his screams. The only word he could muster was Kanan's name, repeating it until Kanan could no longer hear him. While, all Kanan could do was watch as his two companions faded into darkness.
The horror of the situation would continue to fester inside of Kanan and it would only escalating as a white light shined around him.
Kanan jolted from his disturbed sleep in a cold sweat. Realizing that he was awake, Kanan assessed what he had just conjured up in his nightmare. Troubled emotions surfaced. Guilt and weakness took over as his body began to tremble.
It may have only been a dream, but the fact that he was so powerless to save Ezra chilled him to the core. All the while his screams and crying broke Kanan's heart. Not to mention the, albeit imaginary, pain that Ezra went through. With both wrists broken, Ezra was left defenseless. That coupled with the fact that Kanan was left immobile was not a pleasant combination.
The whole ordeal made Kanan feel powerless. He knew that he shouldn't, because it was no more than a dream and there was no way that Kanan was going to allow it to come true. A horribly planned nightmare. But the fact that he couldn't do anything and Ezra was taken definitely opened an emotional scar. The idea of losing Ezra was something that Kanan never wanted to revisit. Death at the hands of the Inquisitor was one thing, he could find a way to honor Ezra eventually. Being taken captive and raised as a Sith was another. Even though Ezra would be alive, the emotional repercussions would be too great, for the both of them. Kanan would have to life with the constant failure of not being able to save him, while Ezra would have to live with the emotional corruption of his once innocent frame. Kanan had been through enough already to not want go through that and by no means was prepeared for it emotionally.
Kanan knew that Ezra would be a constant target for Maul, there was no getting around that, knowing that Maul more than likely didn't parish on Malachor. Knowing that at any moment that Maul could swipe Ezra. That did not mean that Kanan would not try to stop it from happening.
I hope this came out okay. I know I tried to write it out as best as possible. And if you enjoyed it I'm glad.