I do not own NCIS or any part thereof.
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Tony looked at his reflection in the mirror over the men's room wash basin. The perfect imprint of a large Gem paperclip was centered in his forehead, right between his eyes. He touched the reddened area gingerly. Damn, it hurt. Never again would he doubt Ziva could kill someone with a paperclip. That woman was a loose cannon and he was going to talk to Gibbs about her as soon as he could. All he'd done was ask her if she'd seen the new Bond movie with that blond guy and she'd exploded. Screamed at him she was tried of hearing about his obsession with movies and then – blam – she'd hit him in the head with the paperclip. He thought maybe he'd passed out for a second or two. When he'd come to himself again he'd gotten up as fast as possible and headed for the men's room.
Not that the men's room was a sanctuary. She regularly made a habit of coming in after him. In fact, it was a running joke with some of the other agents - that she was Tony's personal rest room attendant, helped him hold his up, so to speak. He folded a wet paper towel and put it on his injury. The coolness felt good. She was just too dangerous.
The door opened and Tony cringed, then relaxed. Just McGee. The Probie leaned back against the door as if holding it closed. He was sweating and he looked about as pale as the white turtleneck he was wearing.
Tony turned to him and said, "What's up, McGeek? You look a little frazzled."
McGee moved slowly away from the door. "Ziva just threatened to cut off my, well my genitalia, using her nail file. And she looked like she meant it!"
"I'd stay away from her today if I were you, McGee. She is not in a good mood."
"I agree. And it's not just her. Something's up with Abby too," said McGee.
"What'd ya mean 'something's up with Abby?'" said Tony.
"Well, I took her a Caf-Pow like always and she's just sitting at her desk staring into space."
"So?" said Tony.
"She's listening to Barry Manilow."
Tony dropped the paper towel.
"WHAT?"
"Yeah, it sounded like 'Weekend in New England.' I've always liked that one. He really…"
"Shut up, McGee!"
Tony rubbed his paperclip mark. The throbbing from the initial injury was slowly spreading through his head to the back of his skull.
McGee had moved to stand beside him, still eyeing the door warily.
"Is there something going on we don't know about?" McGee asked.
Tony started to head slap him but then the door burst open and both of them leapt backwards, hitting their hips on the sinks behind them and squealing like little girls.
It was Jimmy Palmer. His eyes were open wide and he looked absolutely terrified. He ran over to the sink on the far side of McGee and, turning on the water, started splashing his face.
As the door closed behind him they could hear Director Shepard's voice, well, screeching, "I want that screwing around to stop and I don't give a good godd…" Then the door sighed to a close.
"Something is definitely wrong, very wrong," Tony said.
"Yeah," said McGee. "We need Gibbs."
Jimmy nodded vigorously and echoed "Gibbs."
"NO," said Tony. "We can handle this without Gibbs. And besides, he's in court today. One of his ex-wives wants more alimony. I'm not going to bother him unless it's a matter of life and death cause otherwise it might be my life and death!"
The three men looked at each other, each secretly thinking that this might indeed be a matter of life and death, or at least severe bodily harm.
Tony put his wet paper towel back over his bruising forehead. "Look. I'll go down and check out Abby's problem. McGee, you go quietly to your desk and just keep an eye on Ziva. DO NOT APPROACH HER under any circumstances. Understand?"
He pushed McGee toward the door.
"You," he pointed toward Jimmy, "go fine Agent Lee and tell her the Director has busted your chops about all the extra curricular activity you guys have had all over the freakin' department and that you've got to lay low." Tony burst out laughing. "Lay low! Hey, that's a good one."
Palmer did not look amused. "How did you know?"
"Jimmy, everyone keeps extra Wipes in their desks because they never know when you guys have been there. Okay? Everyone KNOWS. Just go find Michele and tell her your sexcapades at work have come to an end. The Director just might get pissed off enough to fire both of you if it keeps up. Probably will, come to think of it."
Jimmy stood undecided. He looked really worried.
"GO" roared DiNozzo pointing toward the door.
Jimmy jumped and then ran into the door as he tried to get out of the bathroom. He bounced back, looked around dazedly and then opened the door and crept out sideways.
Tony turned back to the mirror. He was definitely going to bruise. He leaned his forehead on the cool glass surface for just a minute and then sighed. He stood up, squared his shoulders and then calmly marched out the door headed toward Abby's lab.