Dream. I´m having some sweet, nice dream. Dream nobody should see, because if somebody did, I would get sacked, maybe even imprisoned. It´s stupid, but I didn´t choose what I am, my preferences when it comes to love. We live in a strange world. People are pursuaded because they love.
But in this dream, I´m allowed to see and do anything I want to. And here, I don´t have to pretend Thomas´ - or better say mistr Barrow´s, it makes me feel more heated – touches make me feel uncomfortable. I don´t have to talk to that awful miss O´Brien who obviously wants to retaliate to Thomas for some reason I can´t see. I don´t have to look over my shoulder to make sure nobody is watching us when we´re setting the clocks or something. Actually I can get as much of his love as he can give me and I can accept.
In this dream he´s my master. He helps me with work, but if do something wrong he doesn´t hesitate to punish me. He´s… dominant. And hot. When he looks at me with such a passion in his gaze I feel like I´m thawing. He holds a cane in hand, the healthy one while I´m standing in front of him, perplexed with fear and longing. No, not longing. Lust. On one side, I´m afraid of the pain – it´s natural, everybody should be – but on the other hand, I can´t wait for his punishment. I´m trembling, impatient. He must see it in my eyes.
„Shh, shh, don´t be so eager. It´s not a good thing. And you know what will happen to you if you are a bad boy, Jimmy." His voice is so seductive I want to scream. I want to cry, to kneel down, to beg him to do anything. Instead I try to look I´m calm, which obviously I am not. I feel blood in some… odd places. And in my face too.
„Yes, I know, sir." I just say, staring at him.
„Maybe…" he touches my forehead with two fingers, „I should," I feel fire in every fibre of my being. I can´t stand this. It´s too much for me, „just punish you," his fingers find the collar of my livery, „for your own," first, second, third button is unbuttoned. I feel the hot of his hands on my chest. But I still have one shirt. It´s so torturous to have him so close and so far in one, „good."
He whispers, exhales the last word with passion. His eyes narrow and he pulls the livery from my shoulders. I hasn´t been allowed to move, so it remains on my joined hands. As if he tied down my wrists… I groan. I can´t stand this. I´m just a fragile boy, I´m not able to bear this.
„Calm down, Jimmy. Your time will come. Be patient. You don´t want to upset me, do you?" He doesn´t look into my eyes. He´s too busy with unbuttoning of the upper shirt. He´s almost at the last one. So close to… to… the places nobody but me touched before. I bite the lower lip from inside so I don´t show any affection.
„I don´t, sir," I try to say. But that´s the moment he chose to find the edge of the shirt which lies tightly on my skin. He unbuttoned the other one and now his gentle but cold fingers in some kind of a glove are touching my underbelly. His index finger is moving right above the edge of my trousers. I know I breathe hardly so I will be punished afterwards.
„Do you like this, Jimmy?" He asks, stopping his action and looking straight into my eyes. He rarely does this. It means I should be on the watch.
„I´m not the one to talk. I´m not supposed to talk, because I´m not worth talking, I have to earn the time to talk by doing job you say me to do, sir." I say and I know he´s smiling even though I´m not looking into his face. I would want to have him, here and now, and he would have been angry.
„That´s absolutely right, Jimmy. You´re a clever boy. Now tell me, have you ever been in prison? Have you ever been handcuffed?" He says with real interest in voice. Is he really…?
„No, I haven´t, sir, neither of it." I answer truthfully. He puts down the cane. My heart´s beating faster. I´m afraid it will jump out of my chest right into his hands.
„Well, and do you want to try it?" He bypasses me so I don´t see him. It makes me a bit nervous, but I trust him. I do. I feel his hands on my shoulders. They´re going down on my back, blades. Suddenly he places his fingers on my niples. My eyes widen, I can barely breathe.
„Well? Answer, Jimmy!" He raises his voice a bit. He knows I love it. Oh, hell he´s going to make me absolutely, awfully happy, ecstatic. „Right now. I don´t like to be kept waiting."
„I´m sorry, sir. I want to try it, please, if I can ask. I want you to do what you think is right." I almost can feel the tears in my eyes. I want him so desperately.
„I thought you´d like to." He says and sounds pleased. Pleased! My heart´s going to jump out of my ribcage. „Keep calm, Jimmy, keep calm. Don´t do anything I wouldn´t like you to do. You know what would happen."
„I know, sir. I understand."
His hands leave my chest and move to my wrists. He pulls down the livery and very quickly the shirt too. I thought he was gonna… Ah, my god! He holds the last piece of cloth covering my chest and slowly, gently, moves it up. I never thought undressing could be so torturing and pleasant, but it is. More than that.
„Put your hands up." He holds my arms and gently pushes them up. „Yes, yes, like this. Stop." I stand with arms outstreched in front of me. He puts hands on my hips, softly moving them up. When they reach the edge of my shirt, he grabs it and pulls it quickly over my head. I want to get rid of it, but he grabs my arm so tightly it hurts.
„No. Be patient." While he´s saying this, he does some steps so he stands in front of me. I want to hug him, pull him close to me, but I have to stand here. Right here. He pulls the shirt from my arms, ties my wrists together with it and crouches my arms in elbows. He places my fists on my breast.
„Don´t move." He leans forward, hides my neck in his elbows, puts me closer and… oh, heaven! He kisses me. Gently. I never thought I will be so happy. But this kiss, this moment makes me feel so great I think I´m going to explode. Nobody showed me such love. Even my mother wasn´t so caring. I don´t know if I am allowed to kiss him back, but I don´t care. I have to show him how much I love him.
„I don´t know whether to be pleased you obey me or upset it took you so long to kiss me back." He whispers and leans forehead against mine.
„I don´t want to upset you." I say, I almost groan. I tremble, shiver.
„You didn´t call me properly, Jimmy. I can´t let you do what you want to. You have to respect me." He pulls away from me and looks straight into my eyes.
„I´m sorry, sir." I mumble.
„Screw that, Jimmy! I love you." And with that he pushes me forward on the bed. I can´t think, I don´t want to think. I just close my eyes and let him do what he wants to do.
It´s crazy. I never ever dreamed about this. Since I realized I am different I never imagined I could get some love, physical or any other. I don´t want girls. I like them as friends, but I can´t even think about having anything with them. I never expected to have Thomas. But now I have him.
He obviously has more experience than me, so I let it all up to him. He´s gentle, he´s patient, he keeps asking if I´m alright, if anything doesn´t hurt me. I must admit that I didn´t expect it would be so pleasant, surely not for the first time. I can´t say how much I love him. I can just show him. I never knew pain can give me such a marvelous feeling.
When it´s over, he lies beside me. We´re breathing hardly, my heart beating awfully fast. Hot palm of his right hand is drawing some unvisible picture on the left side of my breast. I´m curled in his arms, he hugs me and kisses me on the peak of my head. I close my eyes for a while and enjoy his presence.
„You´re such an amazing boy, Jimmy. I can´t even tell how much I love you." He whispers into my ear. I smile a little but I don´t open my eyes for a while.
„Don´t talk. Just kiss me again." I murmur and give him a seductive gaze. He looks a bit surprised, but then he puts me on my back again, grinning widely.
„Close your eyes, Jimmy,"
I can only suspect what he did. But in a moment I feel his lips on mine. But… it´s really strange. It´s like he really is here. I really feel the warmth. I blink for a little while. I´m completely awake now.
That was a dream, but this is reality. Thomas is here, in my room, leaning above me and pressing lips against mine. It´s so… I waited for a long time. But it´s not good. He shouldn´t be here. But I can´t resist. I can´t struggle, I´m too weak and I want him too much. I didn´t realize the lust so desperately as I do now, when it´s gone. I´m about to outstrech arms and embrace him, put him closer to me, lick his lips - bite them, maybe – and force him to do all the things I experienced in dream just few seconds ago. I just hope he doesn´t see how my body reacts, especially some parts. I don´t want him to see the power he has over me.
Screw that, I love him and I need him. I´m moving arms, slowly, so he doesn´t see that.
„I´m sorry to wake you up, Jimmy, but-" A sound of opened door, a frightened gasp and shuting of it again. SHIT!
I open eyes and I need only a little while to see what I have to do. I jump, pulling Thomas from me.
„What are you doing?" I scream and hope it´s convincing. I don´t need anybody to know I had that dream. I don´t remember what he replied. I tried to fight my tears. He seems to be so lonely, so wishing to get my love. And still, I have to do this. I can´t let him think there is some chance – even slight – I might love him. It´s better for us. Surely.
He tried to understand it. He said something what made my heart break. But I couldn´t let him convince me. He needs to think I´m heterosexuál. I should invite Ivy for a date, maybe? I recall how I yelled: „Get out, Thomas! Get out!"
And he just went away. Closing the door – what else should he have done – without a word. He only gave me a sight full of pain before he left. Despite to what happened, he seemed to be apologizing.
I stand in my room, tears in eyes and I feel how blood is returning from my lap to other places in my body. And warm liquid flowing down my leg.