Title: Playing the Part
Characters: Ianto, mentions (or implications) of Ianto/Lisa and Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG
Summary: A brief glimpse into the mind of Ianto Jones
A/N: It's a bit of a strange piece - 2nd person, very descriptive and no plot, more of a description of how I imagined Ianto to be behind his calm exterior.
Stumbling through life, wandering aimlessly from scene to scene playing the part you've been given but don't remember auditioning for. You know your lines and you recite them perfectly, but never saying more than absolutely necessary. Improvisation was never your thing anyway. You never understood the thrill or excitement of experiencing something new, of trying something for the first time. Stick to what you know. Stick with who you know. Why put yourself in an unknown situation where you could fall flat on your face? When you could stay on familiar ground, already knowing what words will escape from your lips and how the audience will react. It's repetitive, but it's safe. And that's all you're after, most of the time at least - safety. Knowledge that your next step will see your feet land on solid ground that won't give way under the slightest bit of pressure.
You're waiting for the curtain to fall, so you can take your final bow and move on to whatever lies ahead. But at the same time you don't want this show to end for fear of there being nothing afterwards. You're used to this life now, but it's wearing you out, despite the fact there's always some new adventure waiting around the corner. You don't know if you like that or not.
Maybe it's this pessimistic view of life that's left you where you are right now: Craving something more but too scared to make the first move into that new world. Seeing the shimmering light of a gateway into a whole new life but your feet are rooted to the spot and you're unable to walk through it.
Occasionally you experience those surreal moments where you feel as if you're not yourself. Your body is in one place, continuing on autopilot whilst your mind is somewhere else; back in the past reliving certain moments, or perhaps in the future, preparing you for an event about to happen. You cling onto the feeling, it feels so new, so different - a welcome release from the tedious routine of reality - but the harder you try the further it slips away and you're left back where you started feeling more empty than ever before.
Every day you put up a mental barrier to stop yourself going insane in front of people. You block out the world and go about life as an empty shell, the world passing you by in a flash of colour and sound that seem to fade to nothing when they get too close to you. It wanders past you, calling you in, tempting you until you reach out as far as you can without falling, and suddenly it all rushes by too quickly, not giving you a chance to catch up and cling on.
Shutting out the world is exhausting, but it feels necessary. If you didn't do it people would see you fall apart at the slightest unexpected turn. With every day that passes you feel less and less connected with the world until the barrier breaks and all the emotions locked away come flooding out under the cover of darkness and the safety of isolation.
You do it to yourself, you separate yourself from those around you. And yet you long to be a part of it all. You even want to hurt just to feel. This numb feeling is driving you crazy. You can remember crying and feeling down before, sometimes over silly, trivial things that seem ridiculous once you looked back on them. Somehow these silly, trivial things seem far too distant and you wish you could go back and experience them again, just to know you're alive. The pain of losing the one you love has been pushed back, deep into your mind; so far you barely register the emotions anymore. Guilt rushes over you when you realise you haven't cried for her since that day.
It's not all doom and gloom - you can remember laughter and good times. Occasionally you'll experience life once again, and the script you're following becomes a dance, each step more advanced and beautiful than the one before. You're dancing to music silent to everyone but yourself and it feels incredible - you feel alive and you never want it to end.
You're singing out loud, screaming words you never thought you'd hear yourself say. Whispering the name of a man you never imagined could set you alight this way.
It leaves you buzzing and desperate for more. The adrenaline pumping through your veins spurring you on, leaving you feeling optimistic about the future and hoping this is it, this is when it all changes.
You're dancing as the dark clouds hovering overhead finally give way and the rain soaks your skin. You're laughing as your hair sticks to your face, the raindrops catching in your eyelashes and blurring your vision.
You're caught up in the whirlwind that is life: It's fast, it's furious, it's making you dizzy but you don't care.
The rain starts to calm and you slowly come down from your high, expecting the sun to shine through and light the path ahead of you. You expect the colours to be that little bit brighter, the shapes to be that little bit clearer, but disappointment creeps in when the world seems darker and more out of focus than ever before. There's no sunlight, just a cold wind that whips harshly around you. You glance around, feeling slightly nauseous at the sudden change in the surroundings. It's left you feeling out of place and unbalanced, and without a second thought the barriers are raised once more; an automatic defence mechanism.
You wonder how long you can keep it up. You wonder how long it'll be before your shield weakens too much and everything starts to seep through, out in the open for all the world to see.
All you can do is sit in silence, hollow once more, waiting for the next moment of intense happiness to come whizzing past. You hope it comes soon. Those precious times are all that keep you going.
You smile a small smile at the memories, still singing the song that was once full of powerful crescendos, but is now a bitter-sweet melody, soft and melancholy as the final notes descend to a powerful anti-climax.