Author's Note: Woohoo, sick day! Not woohoo, I'm sick, cuz I really don't WANT to be sick, but… no school is much nicer in comparison. |D Even if I still need to catch up on homework.
Anyway, this is just a little something the plot bunnies attacked me with shortly after reading the newest chapter of Lychee no Shinjitsu's fic, Spider!. Since I (originally) didn't have much time to work on it (can't work on it NOW cuz I'm going to spend the day working on WLGYIC chapter 5 :D), I'm sorry if it completely sucks and isn't funny at all, and I might get around to editing it later if people start complaining or something (or flaming, but, whatever).
It's kind of an omake chapter for my fic, When Life Gives You Ice Cubes, in that it doesn't actually happen. If you don't go read AT LEAST the first two chapters, YOU WILL BE CONFUSED. I should know because I had my sister – who hasn't read WLGYIC yet – read it, and she had NO idea what was going on.
BTW, if you like this (and even if you don't), go read Spider!. It's EPIC. :D
Without further ado- whoops, disclaimer.
I own nothing!
NOW without further ado…
On with the oneshot!
Squad 4 Captain Retsu Unohana had to restrain herself from chuckling as she crossed the threshold into the living room, viewing the chaos taking place within the confines of Captain Hitsugaya's abode.
To the unknowing eye, it would seem as if Captain Hitsugaya, one of the coldest, calmest, most serious Captains in Seireitei, was running – shirtless – through his house with this Lieutenant, yelling wildly while wielding a broom and crashing into furniture.
To the knowing eye… well, that's pretty much what was happening, with only one difference.
"GET 'IM, RANGIKU!"
"I GOT HIM!"
CRASH!
"OKAY, I DON'T HAVE HIM!"
"DAMNIT, YOU LET HIM GO?"
"HE'S ALL HAIRY! AND I BUMPED INTO THE TABLE! AND WHY IS IT A HE, ANYWAY?"
"BECAUSE… Because… I don't know, actually," the voice of the young Captain came, lowering from its previous enthusiastic (and quite uncharacteristic) roar to a somewhat ponderous tone. "Doesn't everyone automatically assume bugs and stuff are guys? Or do you just say 'it'?"
Unohana coughed politely as she stepped further inside. Both heads whipped around to stare at her with something resembling the look of a teenager who's parents had come home during a party.
"Might I ask what exactly is going on?" the Squad 4 Captain said serenely.
"We're tryin' to kill a spider," "Hitsugaya" said, holding up the very dusty broom.
"Might I also ask why you're shirtless, Allison?"
His/her cheeks reddened. "Well, I found the spider in Hitsugaya's shihakusho thingy… and since I'm in a guy's body right now I sorta just figured a shirt could wait, y'know?"
"Or she just likes looking at Captain's chest," Rangiku piped up cheekily.
Allison glared at her. "Only you would say something like that," she said, deadpan. "That's a resounding 'No I don't,' by the way."
Unohana smiled. "Lieutenant Matsumoto?" she said, turning to the blond woman. "Why are you here?"
The buxom Lieutenant looked up again from her crouched position at the foot of the loveseat, one arm feeling around the floor underneath. She blew a stray strand of strawberry-blond hair from her face before replying, "I came by to work on paperwork and keep Allison company. When I got here, though, she was already going at it with the broom, but wasn't having any luck, so I decided to help."
"Ah." Unohana glanced at the remainder of the living room. "And the reason the sofa is upside-down is…?"
"I kinda ran into it while I was chasing the little guy," Allison replied, now fully standing up. "I swear that spider's like the Sonic the Hedgehog of the arachnid world."
At the two soul reapers' confused expressions, she sighed and said, "Just nod and pretend you know what I'm talking about."
"Okay," Rangiku piped up cheerfully, nodding and pretending she knew what she was talking about.
Suddenly she gave a little yelp and jerked her hand out from under the loveseat. Being trailed from her hand… was the spider, tiny legs flailing, swinging on a thread of web.
"YAAAAGHGETITAWAYGETITAWAYGETITAWAY!" Allison shrieked as she practically fell over herself to scramble backwards, the situation made all the more amusing considering the fact that, yes, Hitsugaya's voice apparently could go that high.
Rangiku waved her arm frantically, trying to dislodge the furry arachnid. It worked, a little too well; the spider was sent flying in Allison's direction, trailing its line of web.
"WAAAAAUUUGHIT'SONMEIT'SONMEIT'SONMEIT'SONMEGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOOOOFFFFFFFFF!"
Unohana did start laughing then, as did Rangiku. The situation was just too absurd not to.
The sight of the ice Captain practically dancing around the living room was hilarious enough as it was; the fact that Allison was still yelling incoherently was just icing on the cake.
The spider, meanwhile, had a superhuman (superspider?) grip on the Captain's arm, and it seemed that – now that it had found a victim that was suitably afraid of it – it refused to let go, even under Allison's wild dancing and arm-flailing. Slowly the spider made its way up to her shoulder, aaaaand…
Unohana stepped forward and gently brushed the spider into the palm of her hand.
Almost instantly Allison snatched one of the sofa pillows and started scrubbing her arm with it.
At Rangiku's quizzical expression, she said, "I HATE spider webs; hate the look, hate the feel, hate everything!"
"So… why are you scrubbing your arms with Captain's pillow?"
"…I'm paranoid. I don't want leftover web hanging on to me."
Unohana chuckled. "I don't quite see what could prompt such a reaction," the motherly Captain said, looking at the dark spot in her hands. "It's just a little spider; nothing to be afraid of."
"Yeah, well, I'm irrational," Allison muttered, finally abandoning the pillow and tossing it on the loveseat (as the sofa was still upturned). "I hate webs more than I hate the friggin' spiders. Now put him down; I still wanna squish him."
Hiding her amusement – and the assumption that doing so would only cause a repeat of the wild goose chase – she did.
The little arachnid scurried down the hall, followed by repeated whacks via Allison's broom and shouts of "GET BACK HERE AND FIGHT, DAMNIT!"
Pause.
WHAP!
"HA!"
Pause.
Suddenly Allison came running back out, hand along the wall, eyes and mouth clamped shut, broom abandoned.
Rangiku and Unohana watched with growing amusement as she darted into the kitchen, holding her face under the sink's faucet and thoroughly scrubbing her face under the water. Finally she couldn't hold her breath any longer, and her head shot back up (narrowly missing said faucet), face red and practically gulping down air.
"What caused that little episode?" Rangiku asked with a smile.
"I ran info a fiferweb," Allison replied, voice muffled by a towel.
"What?"
The teen uncovered her face for a moment, looking unsettled. "I said I ran into a spider web," she clarified with a shudder. "As in face-first."
"Oh. Freak you out?"
"What do you think?" the girl snapped with a haunted look, turquoise eyes wide. "Damn right it did! Friggin' scared the crap outta me! I swear that spider freakin' planned that!"
"Were you able to squish the spider?" Unohana asked, no longer bothering to hide her amusement.
Allison grinned darkly. "Aizen the spider lives no more!" she replied gleefully.
"'Aizen?'" Rangiku asked, quirking a slender brow.
Allison shrugged, still grinning as she put the towel back on its hook. "Hey, that spider was just as annoying. Plus, it's good therapy: imagine Aizen's face on anything you wanna hit, and you can hit it that much harder," she replied. Then she looked around the living room. "Now, about the mess…"
Rangiku sighed as she flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Yeah, yeah, I'll help you clean everything up… even though it's your fault the sofa got tipped over," she added with a grin.
"Hey, YOU broke that one expensive-looking vase back there," Allison shot back. "Hitsu's gonna be pissed."
"You knocked the lamp over!"
"You knocked the frickin' coffee table over!"
"You got spider webs on Captain Hitsugaya's sofa pillow!"
Unohana's gentle smile widened as they bantered back and forth, cleaning the other's messes rather than their own. Idly she noted how well they seemed to work together; almost as well as the buxom Lieutenant and Captain Hitsugaya himself.
Later, when the Squad 4 Captain had returned to her own barracks, she found Isane scampering around with a flyswatter.
Fighting off a growing sense of déjà vu, she had asked what her Lieutenant was doing.
"I'm trying to kill this spider, Captain," Isane had said, before yelping and dropping the flyswatter like a hot potato when she saw it crawling along the handle.
Isane still doesn't know exactly why Unohana started laughing.
Author's Note: Yeeeaaahhh, when I feel a web, I freak out. Not THAT much (I do NOT dance around people's living rooms, nor do I upend furniture), but… still freak out. I HATE spiderwebs. More than I hate Aizen and sweet carrots (both of which make me want to barf, and the world would be better off without), and that's saying something.
I actually don't mind the spiders themselves all that much. I won't go on a freaking rampage to kill one, at any rate, especially if it's doing nothing but sitting there. But if one gets on me, it's about the same effect as with the web: I want it OFF.
Anyway, hope you liked it. This is my first real attempt at humor (my FMA fic "What He Saw" really really sucks and doesn't count), and any constructive criticism or anything else you guys have to say would be greatly appreciated. I don't particularly like the ending, or the part where Allison runs down the hall chasing Aizen-spider again and then runs into the web, so anything you guys could say on those parts would be doubly helpful (criticism or praise; either works :D). So review! Do it now! I command you!
And to Lychee, that WLGYIC chapter's coming soon! I promise!
See you guys next time~
Starfire-028