I know it's not real, and when it's light an' busy an' noisy out there I know it never will b', and tha's almos' ok. Bu' at night, when it's quiet an' I'm in m'cell, alone, t'fantasy of him comin' t'me feels more real'n mos' things these days.
He comes through t'door, pushin' aside t'bedsheet I use for a curtain, smilin' at me, only me. I smile back, not like I usu'ly do, all sideways glances an' nervous like, bu' a real smile, where m'eyes smile too an' I know he can understan' m'feelin's jus' by looking'at m'face. The smile tha' tells him I'm his, forever.
When I get to tha' bit o'the fantasy m'hands begin t'slide down m'chest, over m'shirt, cos I never take that off. They find t'buttons on m'pants, cos most nights they stay on, too, when I go t'bed. Buttons undone, one hand wanders in, one rests on m'belly, righ' on t'skin, shirt pushed up.
In m'head he's come into t'cell all the way now, eyes still on me. He sits on t'narrow bunk next t'me, careful not t'hit his head. In this fantasy we don' talk, though I know wha' I'd say t'him. I'd tell 'im, with words I coul' never find or use in t'daytime, how much I have waited fo' that moment, how much I want him. How good it feels t'have him here, cos I've been so fuckin' lonely.
All this, even in m'own fantasy, I can never say, but somehow I don' have t', he jus' knows.
I'm hard now, all t'way, and as I start strokin' myself slowly I close m'eyes, an'in m'mind he leans down an'kisses me, all tender like. I've never been kissed like tha' in m'life, so I need t'use my imagination a lot here. For me, it's only ever been quick fucks behind sleazy bars, in some revoltin' public toilet, or out in t'woods. Usually there'd be no kissin' at all, not least cos I'm so bad at initiating things, demandin' what I want. What I would have wanted, more of'en than not, is someone who was nice, an' gentle. But bein' what I am, I usually had t'take what I coul' get, an' tha's usually rough. 's ok, I deserve it.
From kissing we move on to touching. He undoes m'shirt buttons an' I sit up halfway, let him push t'shirt off m'shoulders. In m'fantasy, I have no scars, no reason t'hide m'back, or m'past. I can bear t'feel him touch me all over, an' he does so, and m'arms're covered in gooseflesh for real, here, alone, in m'cell.
My hand speeds up then, I can feel t'arousal mounting behind m'belly button an' wriggle out of m'pants halfway. Never more, jus' in case someone needs m'in a hurry. The night air is cool agains' m'heated skin an' I can' suppress a shudder. It'll slow me down some, t'cold, but tha's ok wi' me, I'm enjoyin' the fantasy. No need t'rush things.
He kisses m'chest, touches t'hair there, gently, fingers cool agains' warm skin. I love this sensation, his calloused fingers so soft on me. Impossible difference, so kind an' careful, wi' me, wi' Judith, but I know what else these hands can do. Of course, it's just in m'head that he feels like dis, but somehow, I'm sure it's true.
He bites m'nipples, then, sucks an' plays with them, and I slip m'hand further up m'shirt, try t'mimic t'sensation. Then I let tha' hand join t'other down below, cradling m'balls. 'm closecloseclose now.
In fantasies y'can do whatever y'want, of course, so I have him lyin' on top of me next, bare chested, then completely naked. I can feel him press agains' me, his erection agains' m'hip bone, hard bu' smooth.
This is m'favorite bit, imaginin' feelin' him so close, weighin' me down, keepin' me from driftin' away. Cos that, sometimes, is m'biggest fear. I still feel like leavin' too often, and it scares me. But then I think of this, of him, an' I know I won'. I tried t'go wi'Merle, an' it would have been t'biggest mistake of m'life, had we stayed away. I can never leave, no' him, no' the kids, and it's not really a joyful feelin'. It's scary as hell, too. Mos'ly, tho I know this is where I belong, wi' him, and m'feelin's fo' him, even if they will be one-sided forever, show me this is righ'.
He looks into m'eyes fo' a long time, stroking m'face, gaze so gentle, so full o' love. He loves me, I know it then, in m'fantasy, an' it hurts, that tha's all it is. But then I imagine him shiftin', gettin' ready t'fuck me, an' this is t'best feeling, that anticipation.
My hand speeds up again as I imagine him enterin' me, an' I suppress a groan. 'm so close, but I want t'make this last.
Cos it's not real it never hurts, an' we don' need lube to fuck. He knows how t'do it right t'give me pleasure, of course, since this is m'head's version of Rick. He goes slow when I need'im t', faster when 'm ready.
Sometimes I use m'fingers at this point, t'make it feel more real, t'stimulate m'prostate. It's not the same as bein' penetrated, of course, cos your fingers can never give you tha' feelin' of bein' filled up by someone else, of bein' consumed, of connectin'. This time, I don' need them anyway.
I can imagine perfectly, what it feels like, him hitting m'sweet spot. He pulls out, an' enters me 'gain, repeats this a few times, until 'm tremblin'. Then he stays in, stays very still, while I feel stretched jus' right, aroun' him, wi' him. I'm crestin' t'top o' t'wave now.
M'hands have stopped, but pick up their rhythm 'gain now. M'fingers tighten, pull, squeeze m'balls. I won' last a minute now, whatever I do, so while I adjus' m'hands on myself until t'sensation is perfect I look at his face in m'mind, imagine his eyes on me as I draw closer to t'climax. There's lust in those eyes, bu' also t'things I see in dem eve'ry day. Trust, fondness, friendship. Real concern, like nobody's ever shown me in m'life before I met him.
Cos tha's Rick. He is what I never had before. A real brother, who loves m'no matter wha'. A friend who has m'back. Family tha' actually cares wha' happens t'me. When 'm at this poin' in m'fantasy I always remember t'real connection I have wi' him, and don' feel so much like there needs t'be more between us. I have his real affection by day, an' if I fantasize about him at night it don' hurt nobody.
My fantasy draws t'a close when he moves 'gain, small movements now, not much is needed. He leans down an' kisses me, once, then stays low as we both edge closer an' closer. I feel it, t'moment orgasm becomes inevitable and m'fingers tighten, an' in m'mind I tighten 'round him. I come, an' come, an' come, an' so does he, an' it's perfect.
I stay still, m'breathing the only sound I make, until m'cum starts t'feel cool on m'hands an' belly. I reach down t'where a couple rags are hidden under t'bed fo' tha' purpose an' clean up. Once m'clothes are back in order I turn over, facing t'wall. I feel sleepy now. This was perfec'.
Or it would've been, had it been real.