Okay, this one was a while in the making but it's also going to be quite long, what with all the Sasuke-drunkenness and Karin-bashing and Uchiha Issues and stuff. Well. Time for a history lesson. This is in fact the first chapter of a story I have written where Lady Lilliana (my CRAZEH sister and partner in crime -ahem- partner in fandom) was actually present for some of the writing. Oh yeah, check out her profile for more hilarity of this nature- the amount of stories shocks me. There's some more I wrote too (you can find them on my profile), but I can't remember which ones I've posted and which ones I'm still tweaking XP

Disclaimer of Doom: I don't own Naruto, blahdy blah blah, I'm poor, don't sue me, and if you steal my/our characters YOU WILL PAY. Tei is mine, Rei is Lady Lilliana's and Anno and Rimu (though they aren't in this chapter) as well as the Akatsuki Cave (Aka Humble Abode, Home Sweet Home, Orochimaru's Brick-Throwing Target and the A/C) are under our joint ownership.

...Man, that was a long sentence. Now, kiddies, don't imitate anything you read in this story. You might, just -might-, die. Alcohol is bad for your health. So is smoking.

Health warnings over! Story time!

There is a substance, more dangerous than any ninja. It can start wars, or stop them. It is powerful in such a way that feuds can be buried, animosity cast aside.

This substance is called alcohol.

Man can indeed love his greatest enemy.

When he's drunk.

Hidan paused just as he was about to hammer on the bedroom door of a certain kunoichi. A certain kunoichi who had brutally attacked him last time he woke her up in the middle of the night.

It had taken him weeks to find all of his finger joints.

Hidan knocked, gently.

No answer.

He knocked again, a little louder.

Still no answer.

"She's not in there, you know," Rei said quietly from her bedroom doorway. Obviously, the two friends had rooms near each other, Hidan reminded himself. How could he forget something like that? Oh yes. Because he'd been avoiding the place for the last month. Since the Hey-Let's-Send-Hidan-To-Wake-Tei-Up-At-Three-In-The-Morning-For-No-Real-Reason incident.

"Wait," he blinked. "She's not even fucking there?"

"Nope."

"Then where the fucking hell is she?"

"She went out."

The wheels of Hidan's mind began to turn, something that didn't happen very often. "Wasn't she banned from leaving the hideout by Leader? Something to do with that fucking lemur she's always talking about getting?"

"Yes, but she never responded well to being grounded."

"…Why are we here again?"

"I don't care! Hey there, wanna dance?"

"Suigetsu…"

"Suigetsu, get back here. Juugo, sit down. Karin, let go of my arm, and the answer to your question is that there is a rumour that Akatsuki members frequent this club and the bar above."

The blonde at the bar watched the mini-conflict at the corner table with interest. She hadn't been to the club in some time, what with being grounded by Leader and all, and was suffering from mega-super-ultra-irritating-random-people syndrome. I'm not even sure that's a real syndrome, but with Tei, it doesn't have to make sense.

Sasuke looked up as the blonde kunoichi (who just happened to be dressed in her favourite recreational leathers) approached their table bearing a tray with several large glasses of unidentifiable alcohol. The bartender (a mad woman by the name of Esme who loved to frighten small children with the plank-and-nail from under the bar) was watching the blonde carefully. Sasuke hmm-ed, failing to notice Karin glaring daggers at the new arrival.

"I like turtles," Tei said brightly, thus confusing the males of Team Hebi and confirming Karin's theory that the newcomer was indeed a crazy dumb blonde (unbeknownst to Team Hebi, Tei was, in fact, in Kisame's count, Crazy Blonde #2). Tei set the tray down and sat down on the chair next to Sasuke, much to Karin's chagrin.

"Okay then…" Suigetsu raised an eyebrow. Tei grinned brightly and downed half a giganto-glass of the mystery drink. Team Hebi collectively smiled nervously; they'd been joined by a mad, dumb blonde with an alcohol addiction. Oh, hooray.

Tei continued to unnerve the evil quartet with her mad smile. "So, what do you like?"

"I don't really like anything, but I'll tell you what I hate- my brother."

"That's funny. I like your brother."

Silence reigned for several moments as Tei's comment sank in. Then several hands reached for weapons as Sasuke muttered, "You what?"

Realising her mistake, Tei pushed a large tankard towards the angry Uchiha. "Drink and be merry, my friend, for tomorrow… we dine in Hell!"

Fingers closed around weapon hilts. Tei, realising that again she had made a grave mistake, downed another giganto-glass of the suspicious brew. This seemed to somehow put Suigetsu, at least, at ease, and Sasuke took a sip of his drink, not realising that it was one of Tei's trademark concoctions.

Sasuke managed to haul himself back onto his chair in time to take another sip.

Six minutes later, Sasuke was so drunk he couldn't even see. Much to Karin's dismay, he and Tei were leaning against each other and having the most obscure conversation about emus.

The redheaded fangirl leaned over towards Sasuke, desperate to take control of the situation. "Sasuke, I think you've had a little too much to drink…"

"NO!" Tei pointed at Karin accusingly. "You did NOT JUST SAY THAT!"

"…what?"

"One can NEVER have too much to drink!" Then, seemingly from nowhere, Tei produced a large keg of what seemed like beer (but was, in fact, another of Tei's madcap- not to mention illegal- concoctions) and slammed it down onto the table in front of Karin, effectively blocking her from view and trapping her hand in the process. Ignoring the redhead's yelp of pain and protest, Tei turned back to her new drinking buddy. "Now, where were we…? Ah yes. The average air velocity of an unladen swallow…"

It was at this moment that a certain purple-haired kunoichi in an incredibly tiny skirt and an even tinier top entered the bar, making a beeline straight for Tei.

Dun dun dun dun... OH DEAR LORD! FLASHBACKS AHOY FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER!!

-hides under bed-