The WARNING!!!: This is a story written for no other reason than to kill off a character. If that's not your cup of tea, you may want to think about skipping it and reading something of ours that isn't part of the Anime Hit List Arc. Thank you.

The Disclaimer: We, Boobies of Power or the Anime Assassin Corps, do not own Trigun, Eatman or the Jon-Jon quote (Jon-Jon owns the Jon-Jon quote). We do own the Anime Assassin Corps, the Anime Hit List and C.J. the stuffed-elephant.

The Notes: As this was originally in script format, (not allowed on this archive) I've had to rewrite it in an acceptable format. If you'd like to read the original (script format+images+pretty colors+dynamic font) just go to the Anime Hit List (homepage on our profile.)

Anime Assassin Corps Official Report

Case #14: One Bolt of Stryfe

The Client: Jon-Jon

The Hit: Meryl Stryfe

The Intro:
"Meryl must die. She's so annoying, Vash tells her, stay here, she follows, makes Vash get into trouble. It was her fault Vash had to shoot Legato. Let Nicky take care of her and be done with it!"Jon-Jon

Well, the requested hitman was one Nicholas D. Wolfwood. Unfortunately, Mr. Wolfwood refused this case and we were forced to resort to alternate assassins. After much agonizing we have come up with the perfect hitman.

The Hitman: With his insatiable lust for the taste of heavy machinery, high caliber weapons and nuts and bolts he is known as Eatman. He is...
Bolt Crank

The Beans
by Bolt Crank

Bolt enters the Video Report Room, drops a typewriter and a box of half eaten donuts on the table in front of Kawaii and walks toward the door he just entered through.

"Hey! Hey, hey, hey!" cries the Anime Assassin Corps member. "You can just turn your metal-chomping butt back around, take a seat and spill the beans."

Bolt turns back, very slowly. "Beans?"

"Yeah! Beans!" replies Kawaii slapping a copy of Bolt's signed contract onto the metal tabletop. "Your contract specifically stated that you submit a detailed report upon completion of the job. No report, no pay!" She waves to the donuts and typewriter. "Souvenirs do us no good at all."

Bolt takes the chair opposite Kawaii. "I encountered the target just outside of April City. After informing her of my name and mission, I shot her dead. End Report."

"Um..." She rolls her hand in a "go on" gesture. "You want to elaborate a little bit, please?"

"Elaborate?" asks Bolt in his trademark monotone.

"Is there an echo in here? Yes, elaborate!! This site is about entertainment. I need a little more than, 'I shot her dead,' or all our visitors will abandon us. What did you shoot her with?"

"A derringer."

"Good, good," muses Kawaii, clasping her hands on the table in front of her. "Now, who did the derringer belong to?"

"The target."

"See, I'm liking it better already. Meryl, killed with her own gun! Now, how did you get her gun?"

"She threw it away. I ate it."

"Weren't you afraid of getting metal splinters? No! No, you don't have to answer that. Okay, so let me get this straight. You go up to Meryl and say something to the effect of, 'I am Bolt Crank. I have been hired to kill you.' Meryl goes postal on your ass and starts shooting and chucking derringers left and right. You with me so far?... You catch a handful of bullets and one derringer, eat them (to, of course, return them to optimum efficiency), grow the loaded derringer out of your hand and blow Meryl's brains all over the desert sand. Did I get that about right?" Bolt nods once. "Well... Why didn't you just say so in the first place?!"

"The job is done. The report is given. I will collect my pay now."

Kawaii drops her head into her hands. "Oh! Go see the cashier." Bolt leaves. "Should've just done the stupid report myself." She looks into the camera. "Bolt Crank. Good hitman. Baaad case reporter."

Mission accomplished: March 23, 2002