There are days when I could honestly say I wish I'd never met certain people. In the case of Malfoy and his gang, that day is every day. It is like they have nothing else better to do than to hound younger and weaker students, or otherwise torment people who are "beneath them." To be honest, it might not be so bad if I weren't one of those people who qualified to be a target every time they took aim, but there it is in a nutshell. Lucius seems to take almost an unholy delight in finding new ways to make me suffer. I called him Lucifer once by mistake, and he paused only to say, "He is nowhere close to as beautiful as I am," before he hit me with some curse which I'm pretty bloody sure he's not allowed to use in school. Sick bastard...
Others, like Professor McGonagall, I only regret knowing of her any time tests come along. She is fair to all of us, but she expects so much from us in such a short amount of time. I have never been a brilliant student for anything, and her classes are the worst for me: try to memorize how to scratch the paint off of a moving bus with a pocket knife while singing "Ave Maria" in German with your eyes closed and you'll get the idea. (By the way, don't try that. Bus drivers hate it when you scratch up their stuff.) Anyway, she almost always seems to be disappointed in me, or disapproving of whatever it is that Sirius is working on when he should be studying for Transfigurations. He never really pays attention in her class, which is why she is always shocked to find he has a spell down pat before half of her favourites. Must be nice to be that good with magic, seriously. Remus she just smiles at serenely, as if he's the only Gryffindor in history to ever try actually behaving in class and taking notes.
The person whom I seem to resent the most, though, I should feel the most indebted to. In fact, never once has he ever held anything over my head, but the fact he could always gets to me. I might be only fifteen years of age, but I know what I feel. Problem is I have no word for it. Well, not really. I could easily call it hatred, but if I hated him, I wouldn't talk to him. It would make it a lot easier for me to hate him, but he is not the sort of guy you hate unless you're a Slytherin. (If you're Slytherin, though, you don't like anything except for Slytherin stuff - whatever that is). I wouldn't call it loathing either, as I've no desire to really see him harmed or crushed. Just that every time I see him, I am reminded of what he is... and what I'm not.
He is going to be Head Boy some day, we all know this. Everyone in the house can literally smell it on him. (He insists it's the "smell of success." Lily Evans believes it's the stench of a ne'er-do-well rolling in his own... but that's another story.) I'd love to resent that fact - to resent him, really - but I feel good that he'll get there some day. What irks me is that I'll never be up there with him. Oh, I could try my hardest to be as good as he is, but all I would get is a pat on the back and "Don't overexert yourself." from the Heads of House for my trouble, and that is if I were successful all the time. I'd rather be mocked than patronized, as I don't want anyone's pity because I can't be as good as he is.
He is the Quidditch Captain, best Quidditch player on our squad, and the main reason for our current run at the Quidditch Cup. I have never seen a better player up close in my life, and he's even offered to teach me how to play. I turned him down, as I don't want to make myself look even more the fool on a broom than I do already. He was so earnest about it, I could almost see myself soaring along with him across the playing field... and then I woke myself up. There is no way I could even try to accomplish the same things he does on a broom, so why bother?
He is everything a leader should be. He's normally right (which really helps when you need to make a snap decision), he's strong - both mentally and physically, he's smart, and he's good-looking. Pity he only has eyes for the one girl in the school that hates him with a passion. Perhaps his love of pranks finally denied him something he wants. Nah. Almost guaranteed he'll get her in the end. If nothing else, he's never failed to get what he wanted yet. That and he'll eat his robes if he doesn't. I can even see them together now as Head Boy and Head Girl. "The Golden Couple of Hogwarts - finally." You can almost see the headlines in his eyes whenever he starts going off about her.
It's enough to make a guy sick.
No, I think I know what my problem is. I am tired of hearing about him all the time. I am tired of seeing his smiling face without a single care in the world, while we "lesser beings" trudge through life using hard work and sweat to make it by. I am tired of knowing that no matter what I do, it will never measure up to what he does without even trying. And I think it's just not worth it to try any more, not if all I will ever hear is "That's nice, Peter, but look at what he did!"
I am tired of you, James Potter. And one day, sooner or later, I'll be the one on top.
(beta read by charmed310 on livejournal.)