Quinn Celeste Fabray had always been one to think twice and do once. It was something she had heard her mother say since she was barely able to speak herself. It had been her motto all sixteen years of her life and it was a motto she had never faltered on, until the night of August 27th 2009. That was the very first time she had not thought at all and done, twice to be exact. He handed her another wine cooler while telling her she looked hot and that she was sexy, he told her everything that she needed to hear. She was having a bad week, a week of Santana breathing down her neck and Sue shouting atrocious insults from that damn megaphone that she seems to carry around in her back pocket. She let his words and the alcohol mix together and turn into some sort of happy façade. He made her feel like she wasn't playing a balancing act between all her different worlds; school, cheerios, friends, church. He made her feel like for once in her life she could just let go, be completely thoughtless and just do instead of think twice.
The date is September 25th, 2009 and Quinn Celeste Fabray is sitting on the white tile of her bathroom floor. Her cheerios skirt is bunched up and the tile is cold against her thighs and for some reason this is the only thing she can focus on. There is a small empty box laying on the tub edge next to her head and a positive pregnancy test clutched in her hand and all Quinn can think about is how cold the tile is on her skin. It feels good after the long cheerios practice she had after school today; it feels good compared to the hot tears that are now streaming down her face. All she wants right now is to continue feeling the coldness against her skin, all she wants right now is to feel that and nothing else.
There's a knock at the door that makes Quinn jump up from her spot on the floor. She hears her mother's soft soothing voice ask if everything is ok. Quinn takes a shaky breath and clears her throat before telling her mother that she will be down stairs for dinner in a few moments. She stands with the pregnancy test still firmly clutched in her hand and she is already missing the coolness of the tile.
Quinn Celeste Fabray is at the top of her class with grades that outshine her older sister's. Quinn Celeste Fabray is a five time winner of the Lima, Ohio little miss beauty pageant, Quinn Celeste Fabray goes to church every Sunday and volunteers at the local homeless shelter in her free time, Quinn Celeste Fabray is sixteen years old and the last person you would ever imagine to get pregnant.
Her hair is combed and put up into a perfect pony tail, the redness from her crying is hidden behind makeup, her crumpled up cheerios uniform is tossed aside as she slips into a pink cotton dress. She stands in front of her full length mirror of her bedroom and looks up and down to make sure she is presentable for dinner. She sighs and with a nod of her head she turns and heads to her bedroom door. As she reaches out to turn the knob she notices the pregnancy test is still in her hand, clutched so tightly and for so long that when she removes it from her hand, it leaves behind its imprint.
She stares down at it as she now holds it delicately between her pointer finger and thumb. Her eyes move up from the skinny piece of plastic and quickly scan the room, looking for a place to hide it. Quinn cannot just throw it away in her trash, it is Friday, which means tonight after dinner while she is doing her homework in the study and her father is watching his shows, her mother will be making her rounds to empty the trash cans for Monday's garbage pickup. Quinn cannot just hide it in her nightstand drawer, her mother will be coming in at precisely 9pm to open that exact drawer and pull out the bible that is resting in there to read a verse with her daughter before she tells her she has exactly one hour before lights are to be turned off. The blonde's eyes continue scanning the room as she hears footsteps coming down the hall approaching her room. Her heart begins to race and her palms get sweaty as the footsteps stop just outside of her door. Her eyes catch sight of a tissue box that is teetering on the edge of her desk and as there is a knock on her door she races over and shoves the test beneath the tissues just barely being able to disguise it before the door swings open.
"You are late for dinner, Quinny" Her mother's eyes search her up and down before locking with her eyes.
"Sorry, mom, I just had to call Santana and help her with a math homework question" Quinn Celeste Fabray never lies, but as her mother smiles and nods her head, she has discovered that she is quite good at it.
"Come now, we can't keep your father waiting" Mrs. Fabray motions with her head towards the hallway and Quinn smiles back before making her way over to her mother's side.
Order and routine are two things that have been consistent in Quinn's life. Her family has always run like clockwork, not once in her sixteen years of live has anything ever gotten in the way of her routine that is called life. Not until now, not until she has hidden a positive pregnancy test in tissue box and is making her way down to family dinner with a secret on her mind that she knows will destroy everything her family has worked so hard to maintain.
She never envisioned her junior year of High School turning out like this. She was a good person, a good girl, albeit a little competitive when it came to the sake of her reputation, but all around she tried to do the right thing. As she sat in the middle of the large oak dining table, her father at one end and her mother at the other, she couldn't help but think that the few peas she was currently forcing down would one day be food to help nourish another life that would be growing inside of her.
"You haven't touched your pork chops" Her father's voice seems loud, too loud for the quiet bubble she has absentmindedly placed herself inside of.
"I'm not really all that hungry, Santana, Britt and I went out for lunch, I had a big burger" Another lie that so gracefully falls from her lips, this could get dangerous.
"Well sweetie, finish your peas and squash, I'm sure your father won't mind another pork chop or two" Her mother's chuckle makes Quinn want to cry.
They don't suspect a thing; they go on like normal, just like any other Friday night. It makes Quinn's stomach turn and before she knows it she is excusing herself from the table and quickly making her way back up stairs to the bathroom.
She's back on the tile floor now, she has removed her dress; tossed it carelessly aside. She lies on her back and stares up at the ceiling; the only thing running through her mind is how cold the tile feels against her skin. This is where she lies for the next hour as her mind goes blank and she focuses on her breathing. Somewhere within that hour her hands had found their way to her flat toned stomach, they rest on her lower abdomen and Quinn knows that it is crazy and she knows that it is silly, but she swears she feels movement. She is shaken from being engrossed with the thought there is a teeny tiny baby inside of her just moving about when she hears her phone go off from inside her cheerios gym bag near her feet. As she slowly sits up and reaches forward into the bag and retrieves her cell phone, she is not surprised to see Finn Hudson's name light up the screen.
"Hi" She forces her voice into its usual cheerful yet calm tone.
"I didn't see you after school today-"
"Cheerios" Quinn interjects before he has a chance to say anything else.
"Yeah, I know but we usually meet right after Spanish before you go to Sue Sylvester's after school boot camp" She can't help but smile at the sadness in his tone, truth be told she did miss seeing him after school as well.
"Sorry, I got behind a bit and had Santana help me get caught up and before I knew it we had to race to practice" Lies, lies, lies, that is all she seems to be capable of doing right today.
"Oh, well how was practice, Sue isn't still riding you hard is she?" Her boyfriend's voice is nothing but full concern and love and it makes Quinn's stomach turn again.
"Yes, but I can handle it, I have for two years now" She says trying to make her voice sound as nonchalant as possible.
"You think your parents will let us hang out tomorrow and watch TV or something? I promise I won't try to touch your thigh like last time" Finn is sweet; he's a good guy and is aware of Quinn's boundaries which is the main reason she is dating him.
"Santana is coming over, you know, girls night" For once she isn't lying, the Latina is coming over, but would probably strangle Quinn with her own bare hands for referring to it as a 'girls night'.
"Alright, I'll call you later then and I'll see you at school on Monday" She smiles as they say their goodbyes before tossing the phone back into her bag.
Oh how quickly had she become this new person. It had surprised her to just how easily she could lie and make is seem real. It surprised her just how easily she could make herself feel nothing at all when her whole world was about crumble into a million pieces. It actually makes her laugh; she is actually sitting on her bathroom floor in nothing but her bra and her underwear laughing to herself.
"Quinn" Her mother's voice floats through the bathroom door and her laughter instantly stops.
"Yes?" She asks leaning forward and grabbing her dress, quickly pulling it on over her head and letting it fall around her.
"Have you done your home work? It's nine; I want us to read a verse now" She could almost hear her mother cross her arms and wait impatiently.
"Yeah, mom" Quinn stands up and takes a quick look at herself in the mirror.
Oh my, how the world is different once you fall from the pedestal.
"Bitch!" Santana strolls into Quinn's room and lets out a sneeze before making her way to the tissue box she spots that is teetering on Quinn's desk. "You mom just HAD to dust the minute I walk in, she knows I'm allergic to that shit" Santana sneezes again as she reaches forward to grab a tissue, her hand missing and knocking the box onto the floor.
Horror is all that can be described as to what Quinn feels in that moment. She is frozen on the bed; book in her lap and hands resting on her knees. She watches as the pregnancy test slips out and onto her perfectly vacuumed beige rug. Santana bends over to pick the box back up and before Quinn can even think of a distraction to stop her from doing so, the brunette drops onto her knees right in front of it.
"No fucking way" Santana's voice cuts through Quinn like a knife. "No fucking way, Fabray" She repeats, her eyes glued to the white rectangular piece of plastic on the floor in front of her.
There is a long moment of silence as Quinn stares ahead at the wall across from her and Santana kneels, eyes glued to the object that has not left Quinn's mind for a moment since yesterday. Quinn closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly before turning her head and looking down at Santana on the floor. Santana slowly turns her own head to meet her friend's and when their eyes lock Quinn is completely shocked to see tears in the other girls eyes.
"You're crying" Her voice is strained and faint as she manages to say something.
"You're pregnant" Santana reaches up and quickly wipes away the tears with the back of her hand.
It's silent for much too long as Santana looks from the pregnancy test back up to her friend. Quinn shuts the book in her lap and crawls down from the bed to Santana's side. She reaches out and grabs it, Santana's eyes never leaving it as she does so.
"I'm over a week late, I picked it up yesterday after school" Quinn leans over and picks up the tissue box and shoves it back in but not before pulling a couple tissues out and handing them to Santana.
"It has to be wrong, it's a dud" Santana uses the tissues to quickly wipe her eyes then bunching them up.
"I don't think so" Quinn casts her eyes downwards; she doesn't want her friend to know what happened between her and Puck. She would give anything to make this situation seem at least a bit better.
"You aren't the fucking Virgin Mary, Quinn, Immaculate Conception isn't real" Santana tosses the balled up tissues into the trash can beside her by the desk.
"It's not like that…" Her voice trails off and the room becomes much too quiet.
"What's it like then? Don't tell me… no, Hudson does not have it in him and you, you are fucking Quinn Celeste Fabray president of the celibacy club!" Santana's voice is louder now and Quinn hisses at her to keep it down. "Sorry, but for real Quinn, what happened?" Santana asks as her eyes big with wonder.
"It, it happened last month, Finn and I were in the hot tub, things started to get heated" She stops there, she doesn't want to go any further, the lie was enough as is.
"What are we going to do?" Santana asks, panic now evident in her voice.
"We?" Quinn watches as Santana pushes up from the floor and runs a hand through her untamed locks that are free from their usual cheerio's pony tail. "What exactly do you mean, we?" She asks again and watches as the other girl begins to pace back and forth.
"We can't let this damage the reputation I have so carefully constructed for us" She stops pacing and looks down at Quinn.
"Wait… is that all you are worried about?" Quinn stares up at her in disgust. "You were crying because you were scared that I being pregnant would somehow ruin your reputation, that's what it was, wasn't it?" She tried her best to keep her voice to a loud whisper.
"Of course it was, I have to keep the hierarchy in check and you are a part of that, hell you are at the top of that with me!" Santana looks down at her, arms now crossed over her chest.
"Get out" Quinn's voice is low and stern.
"Excuse me?" Santana is genuinely shocked at her tone.
"I said get out" Quinn repeats as she stands up and is now eye to eye with the brunette.
"What the hell, Quinn?" Santana stands firm in her place.
"Get out of my room, get out of my house, I should have known that all you care about is yourself and your precious High School Hierarchy" Quinn has never felt more enraged in her life.
"I'm trying to help you" Santana snaps back at her.
"No, you are trying to help yourself because that's all you care about" Quinn reaches out and pushes Santana back making her fall against the armoire behind her.
"What the fuck, you didn't just do that!" Santana reaches around and rubs her lower back before stepping up in Quinn's face.
"You can't touch me, I'm pregnant" Quinn takes a step back and smirks. "Now leave" She adds pointing towards the door.
"Fine, good luck, you'll need it when I tell this little gem to everyone at school on Monday" Santana heads over to the door and throws a smile over her shoulder.
"No one would even believe you, like you said, I'm Quinn Fabray president of the celibacy club" She smiles and Santana rolls her eyes but knowing it is true.
"Whatever, you are on your own now, Fabray" She says swinging the door open. "Oh and by the way, you were wrong about one thing, I don't care about just myself, I fight tooth and nail for you and Brittany every fucking day of my life, when we walk down those halls I want everyone to look at us like we are fucking goddesses because we deserve it, you and Britt deserve that, so sorry for caring about our reputation but when it comes down to it, reputation is all we have" Santana walks out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her.
She is crying, no, she is sobbing into Finn's shoulder as they stand near her locker in the middle of the school hall. It's October 5th, ten days since she had found out she was with child and she couldn't keep it from Finn any longer. She glances up from the plaid cotton of Finn's shoulder and watches as Santana with Brittany at her side float down the hall past them, not even glancing over to the scene Quinn is starting to create.
"I'm going to the washroom" Quinn whispers into Finn's ear before keeping her head down and making a beeline for the girl's washroom.
Once inside she is more than relieved to see that it is empty and as she steps up to the row of mirrors she is not surprised to see that she looks like a complete mess. She quickly grabs some paper towels and turns the faucet on, getting them wet and gently dabbing around her eyes.
"So I take it you told him?" Santana's voice is harsh against the quiet of the room; it seems to almost reverberate off the walls around them.
"Why would you care?" Her tone is the same as the other girl's
"Because whether you believe it or not, I do care, I may not care about the same things as you do, But I do care in my own way" She can tell Santana is still trying to keep up the emotionless tone to her voice, but Quinn can hear the love seeping through her façade.
"I need to get to class" Quinn tosses the paper towels into the trash and pulls lip gloss from under her the waist band of her cheerios skirt.
"Listen, I don't want this to turn into some cheesy after school special type of deal, but you need to fix this and soon" Santana steps up beside her and smoothes out her pony tail in the mirror.
"So your precious reputation won't be tarnished?" Quinn glances over at Santana's reflection in the mirror.
"Whatever preggos, you can do as you please; I'll be fine without you by my side…" Her voice trails off as her eyes cast downwards.
"Then what is it?" Quinn is genuinely curios as to what is bothering Santana so badly.
"It's Brittany, she… she's worried" Santana shakes her head and chuckles, trying to write off her feelings for the simple blonde as nothing.
"You told her?" Quinn's eyebrow rises.
"No, Britt may be slow when it comes to school and general common sense, but she is smart when it comes to people, she knows shit, she knows something is wrong" Santana huffs as she reaches up and tightens her pony tail.
"Wait, let me get this straight" Quinn takes a deep breath in before continuing, "You want me to fix this so that things will go back to normal and you won't have to see Brittany worry anymore?" Quinn can't help but smile.
"Whatever thunder thighs, I need to get to class" Santana scowls over at the blonde before pushing away from the sink.
"You were right, I was wrong about you" Quinn turns around to watch Santana make her way to the door. "You do care, you care about her" She smiles as the brunette grumbles her way out the door.
Quinn knows it is true though, she knows that although Santana may seem like a complete ice queen, there is one person in her life that makes her smile. Quinn believes that everyone, no matter how protected their heart may be, always finds that one person to let in.
It's been almost five months since Quinn's fall from reign. Six months of watching those around her, the people who love her, look at her with disappointed eyes. Six months of having to deal with not only mentally changing up her game, but physically changing everything as well. She was kicked off the Cheerios which was hard to deal with for a moment, but she knew she was better off without it. She gets up each morning to see that that her stomach has gotten even bigger over night as if by magic. Every morning she gets up and slips on the baby doll dress that will do its best to hide that stomach and each morning she will walk down the halls of WMHS and try her best to keep her head held high.
Losing yourself is one of the worst pains you can feel because it doesn't go away with time; it's not something you ever get over. It's something that happens and you feel like you have nothing left so you have to start from scratch all over again. This is what Quinn Celeste Fabray does during her nine months of pregnancy, she takes each day as it comes, and she takes each step with purpose, slow and steady. She doesn't have the cheerios, she doesn't have her old friends, she doesn't have the status she once had but she has something better now. Quinn Celeste Fabray has hope, hope that even without all of those things she is still a good person. She knows know that High School is more than just a social hierarchy that Santana has drilled into her since grade eight. She now knows that being popular, beautiful and smart comes with a price and she has paid.
She stands in the hospital hallway looking through the large glass door into a nursery full of newborn babies. She spots her daughter right away, she has her eyes and it hurts Quinn when she realizes this. It hurts her because if there is one hope that she has for her daughter it is that she never grows up to be just like her. She smiles when her daughter balls up her tiny fist and lifts it up towards the ceiling.
"You will be strong" Quinn whispers to her. "You will be more than just another pretty girl, more than just another popular cheerleader, more than what I was" Tears stream down her cheeks as she raises her hand and presses it flat against the glass. "No one will place you on a pedestal or think that you walk around wearing a halo, for you my baby girl will let people right away who you really are, you won't have to hide behind a wall of fake"
Things are different once you fall from the pedestal, but different isn't always a bad thing.