A/N: Hey there, this is just a start to something that I wrote really late last night. I don't really know if I'm gonna continue it. Let me know if I should. Also, if any of y'all read my other writing, I've given up on "And The Rest of the World Falls Away" because it's garbage. Yeahhh. Well enjoy this!
"You're the f-ing freak!" With that, Evan fell to the ground. He shut his eyes as he attempted to brace himself for the fall, but ended up landing on his broken arm anyway. He winced in pain, hoping that his arm didn't get messed up anymore. His eyes still closed, the moment replayed in his mind. Why did he laugh at Connor? He didn't really laugh at him, he was just trying to cope with the awkward situation Jared left him in. But of course he laughed wrong or something. Why did he think that this day would go right? There was no reason. No reason at all.
"Hey, I'm sorry about my brother." The voice startled Evan and he opened his eyes. Right in front of his sight, he saw a girl's jeans. Seeing the stars scribbled over the cuffs, he looked up immediately. He wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not, but there she was. Zoe Murphy. Talking to him. Her light brown, pinned back hair revealed more of her freckle-ridden face. She shot him a sympathetic smile. Oh that smile. "He's a psychopath," she said with a sigh. She reached out her hand to him. "Need some help up?" Evan's mouth gaped open, his face flushed red, unable to process any words. So he just nodded quickly. Preemptively wiping his sweaty hands on his pants, he reached his cast-free hand out to her, which she took, pulling him up. He managed to squeak out a "Thanks," and a smile. She smiled back at him, and Evan just about died. "Evan, right?"
"Evan!" he repeated a little too loudly, "I mean, yeah um- sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" She chuckled a little, holding onto the straps of her black backpack. Evan's breathing was heavy and he felt his hands were getting sweating again.
"Oh because you said Evan, and then I said Evan and I just- I repeated it and It's just so annoying when people do that and I'm sorry…" Evan rambled, not able to keep looking straight at her for too long, worried he'd start staring, or she'd find him weird or find out the million things wrong with him so he just looked down at his shoes.
"You apologize a lot," Zoe said, leaning down a little to try and catch Evan's gaze. Evan looked up for a minute before looking away again, blushing slightly.
"Sorry…" he said softly after a moment. He cursed to himself in his head. Just talk to her! She's making an effort and you're blowing it! Zoe's smile went away for a moment.
"Well uh, I better get to my class…" Zoe said, taking a step away.
"Wait! Do you wanna sign my cast?" Evan blurted out so quickly his words started meshing together, regretting it instantly.
"What?" Zoe asked. She didn't hear him. Thank God.
"What? Did you say something?" Evan said, trying his best to play it off.
"No, I thought you did," She replied, arching her eyebrow.
"No way." He shook his head. "Jose…" He cringed at himself as Zoe just chuckled, then walked away. Evan hit himself in the forehead. Idiot! You probably ruined your one chance to actually talk to Zoe Murphy. To somehow get through to her. To make everything ok. He just covered his face with his hands for a moment, before sighing and slamming them to his sides. Suddenly, he remembered his therapist's appointment this afternoon. He still hadn't finished his letter to himself. With that he walked to the computer lab.
Evan sat down at the desk, his computer out, opened on the word document. What he wrote from this morning was still there, but as he read over the first bit he just sighed and deleted it all. None of it felt right. With this, he started over.
Dear Evan Hansen, He started the same way he always did. Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? He thought to this morning. Alana talked to him, but she didn't really care. Jared made fun of him again, he didn't care. Connor pushed him. Zoe talked to him. Oh, I know. Because there's Zoe. All my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know, and who doesn't know me. Even that he screwed up. Once again he had the perfect chance to get to know her. He could have asked her about jazz band, or asked to sit with her at lunch, or hell, even could have asked for her phone number. Maybe is I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. Evan felt tears welling up in his eyes. I wish everything was different. A tear dropped on the keyboard, but he wiped it away. I wish I was a part of something. Sure, Jared was sort of his friend. Well, family friend as he always reminded him. I wish anything that I said mattered to anyone. No one cared. He didn't have any friends. His mom worked all the time and was never around. He could hardly say a damn thing without his anxiety going way out of control. I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? He stared at those words on the screen for a while. A dark memory of the summer entered his mind. That god-awful summer. Flashbacks of climbing the tree. One branch, then another. As high as he could. The sun on his face. Then letting go. He pushed the memory to the back of his mind. Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, His only friend. Me. Without even reading it again, he hit the print button. He closed his laptop and sat at the desk, head in his hands. Several moments passed before a familiar voice alerted him.
"Hey, is this yours?" Evan lifted his head quickly and turned towards the sound. Once again, standing right next to him was Zoe Murphy. He couldn't believe he had another chance at this. Don't screw it up again, Evan.
"Oh, uh…" He looked at the paper in her hand. Within a moment he realized it was his letter. Shit! She lifted it back towards her, glancing over it.
"It said 'Dear Evan Hansen' so…" As she started glancing down again at the paper, he started frantically reaching out with his hand.
"I- yeah- that's uh- that's-" His words just weren't coming out. Please don't read it. Please don't read it. Please don't- She got a concerned look on her face.
"Why? What do you mean?" Evan winced. " 'All my hope is pinned on Zoe?' " Evan tried to hide his face with his hand.
"I- please let me explain," he managed to say. She looked down again at the paper, finishing reading it, then looking back at him.
"Evan…" As she mentioned his name, he felt tears well up in his eyes again. Don't cry in front of her, you're going to make this worse than it is. He just looked at her, searching for the right words. Sorry, don't mean to bother you, I'm just madly in love with you, and we've only talked once, sorry for the inconvenience. He considered lying. It's for a story. It's from a friend. Oh, it's a different Zoe. I'm not a creepy loser who's just lonely and needs you to love him so, so badly. No, you have to come clean.
"It's- it's an assignment," he hesitated for a moment. "From my therapist. I have to write a letter to myself. 'Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be an amazing day and here's why.' " He couldn't bear to look at Zoe, fearing she was already judging him.
"It doesn't- doesn't sound like… an amazing day…" Zoe said softly. Evan just frowned, still looking straight down.
"I- about you- please, please don't- I don't want you to think I'm some-" He struggled to find the right words. He looked up and made eye contact. Her eyes were a blueish-green, with some flecks of brown. "I don't have, really any friends." He just kept looking into her eyes. It didn't feel awkward. It didn't feel forced. It felt right. "I was in a really dark place last year and- then I saw you perform in jazz band." He smiled to himself a bit. "You're- you're amazing, and I just... " A tear slid down his cheek, and he wiped it away quickly. "I wish we didn't have to meet like this, I- you probably hate me. You should, this must be so annoying, I just- I'm so sorry…" More tears slid down his face. He wiped them away, then looked away from Zoe. Why? Why did she have to find the letter? There's no way in hell she'll like me now. She probably is going to run out of the room right now. Away from the freak. Connor was right.
Then Zoe took his hand. Evan's eye opened wide. What? He looked back at her. And she gave him one of those smiles. Those smiles that are so subtle. So perfect. So real.
"I don't hate you, Evan," she said so softly, it was almost a whisper. They were quiet for a while. "Do uh, do you want me to sign your cast?" Evan raised his eyebrows in surprise.
"Uh, sure." He reached for the sharpie in his pocket, then handed it to her. She uncapped it, then reached for his cast.
"How'd you break it?" She asked as she started to write.
"I uh- I fell out of a tree actually," he said with a bit of a chuckle. Zoe bit her lip as she started to write her name on the front of his cast.
"Oh my god, how did that happen?" She looked up at him for a moment.
"I was a junior park ranger over the summer, and I was climbing this tree, but then…" He thought about it for a moment, but he couldn't bring himself to tell the truth. Zoe didn't hate him yet, but she might if he did. "I fell." Zoe finished writing her name, and put the cap back on the sharpie. In big, curled letters was her name, right on the front of the cast, where everyone could see. "Thanks," he smiled, looking at her again. "Thanks for not hating me," he added. Zoe chuckled.
"Any time." She looked up at the clock for a moment. "I really should get to my next class."
"Yeah, yeah, of course," Evan said, a little disappointed.
"Well, I'll talk to you soon," she said, pulling her backpack over her shoulder. "Bye!" She called out as she exited the room. Evan just stared at her name on his cast. Maybe this year might be amazing after all.