A/N: A few words of warning...or the what, and more precisely why...
Left Behind has the potential to be a really awesome book series. However, it fulfills none of that potential and instead opts for preachy, anvillicious morals and bad characterization. The only thing holier than the self-righteous Christians is the plot itself. I shit you not, these are the worst books (technically, book- actually, the first few pages of the first chapter of the first book) I've ever had the displeasure of reading. They are somehow worse than Twilight, and ought to win some sort of Darwin Award for killing off brain cells.
With that in mind, I'm going to fix it. I intend to take the characters and the very basic plot premise and completely revamp them. The characters will be so OOC they won't be able to touch canon with a 10 ½ foot pole.
Trust me, it's a good thing. If you've got a problem with it, blame Tim and Jerry for completely botching what could have been decent action B-movie fodder.
Consider yourself warned. Here there be character development...
Disclaimer: I don't own this. At all. Except for Josh, and the E.E.s. And whatever happens to the plot, because hey. You want writers to stick to canon? Give them a story that isn't made of suck. Enough capping on it, and on to the story.
Chloe Steele was thinking about a man she had never had sex with. Though at this point in her young life, that included every man on the planet, this man in particular had managed to captivate her attention in such a way that she found herself daydreaming about his boyish grin instead of, say, taking notes on the rise of the Roman Empire. She wasn't aware of this, however, until her professor cleared his throat gently and she became aware of the titters of the various other students. Next to her at the large group table, Josh poked her in the side and grinned. He'd long been aware of her obsession with the good looking reporter, and in fact shared her crush on him (as well as any online photos they could get ahold of in their spare time). However, now was certainly not the time or place to be fantasizing over how to one day become Mrs. Cameron Williams, so instead she sat upright, apologized, and asked Professor Lane to repeat the question.
"Which biblical prophet is credited with the phrase the 'abomination that causes desolation', and to what does this phrase supposedly refer to?"
She blushed slightly and thought hard, racking her brain for the answer. She knew it, she really did. It was something, something to do with Israel...the Middle East...damn it. She (sort of) regretted spending the entirety of last night watching clips of his reports- wait! That was it! He had mentioned the possible rebuilding of the temple as yet another factor in the ongoing animosity in the Middle East in his report. She grinned confidently, and answered, "the prophet Daniel prophesied the 'abomination that causes desolation,' and it could either refer to Antiochus Epiphanes setting up an alter to Zeus in the temple in Jerusalem, or, according to some theologians, the temple will be rebuilt, and then desecrated by the Antichrist. Perhaps Jerusalem will be able to use some of their revenue from their heightened crop production to rebuild the temple soon."
"Very good, Miss Steele. And excellent job of tying it in with a current news report. Speaking of which, did anyone perchance happen to catch last night's news?"
Although the other students were frantically racking their brains for any news story they may have picked up between trying to party and frantically cram in reading assignments at the same time, Josh had the benefit of not only being something of a natural genius, but having next to no social life whatsoever. His hand shot into the air so quickly that he simultaneously nearly gave himself whiplash as well as nearly smacking Chloe in the face. "Chaim Rosenzweig, a Jewish botanist, has developed a new formula which is able to aerate the deserts in Israel, allowing for a massive expansion of their agricultural industry."
Professor Lane beamed. "Kudos to Josh, for actually keeping up on the news like the rest of us are supposed to, guys. He's right. Rosenzweig's formula is going to have extensive repercussions on the world's market in the coming years, and may actually be something of a step towards ending the food shortages in third world countries. I highly recommend everyone try and catch the second part of the special tonight. It's on CNN at 8:00. That's all for today, class. Have a great weekend, and see you all back here on Monday. No one party too hard."
As the class dispersed, stretching limbs that had nearly atrophied within the horrific four hour long class period, Josh suddenly stiffened and seized his friend's elbow. "Don't look now, but here come the E.E.'s," he hissed, weaving through the mass exodus of bodies heading out into the sunshine and dragging her along with him.
"Damn it. Are they headed for us?" She craned her neck, trying to catch site of their dreaded foe. "Yup. Here they come. And it was shaping up to be such a good day, too."
"We must have drawn their attention talking about the Middle East. Damn us and our big mouths."
Despite their best efforts to make it back to their dorm, which involved ducking into the nearby science center, skulking though the basement of the theater, and and one point, climbing a tree, the two of them were finally cornered in a broom closet just a few yards from their building.
"My! Whatever are you two doing in the closet?"
"Oh," Josh replied nastily, "you know us gays and feminists and our unholy penchant for closets. We were just inspecting this one to be sure that it was emitting proper homosexual fumes into the atmosphere to pollute the campus."
"Yup," Chloe nodded, "in keeping with our oh so evil homosexual liberal agenda."
The Evil Evangelicals looked highly saddened, but not necessarily shocked by this news. "We would expect those who have been deceived by the Great Beast to take such a lighthearted view on the evils of this world. Beware, that you are not lured to the pits of hell by turning your back on the one true God."
Chloe looked slightly bemused. "Exactly which 'Great Beast' might this be? I'm sorry, I'm not up on my biblical fairy tales as much as I should be."
"You know who. And the Bible is not a fairy tale. It is a collection of prophecies passed down to we who dwell in the End Times to provide guidance and instruction."
"You know who, eh? So we aren't discussing the Bible anymore; we've moved on to Harry Potter."
"The Lord will not be mocked," E.E. 1 practically snarled as she stood toe to toe with Chloe. The two of them had not been this close to one another since the sixth grade, during the epic round of fisticuffs that had brought their friendship to a bitter, if hardly untimely end. Yup,Chloe smiled as she prepared to deck the self-righteous broad in the face, the scar from her glasses is still there. However, E.E. 2 quickly stepped in and pulled her twin sister out of what quite quickly would have become an all-out brawl. Behind her, however, Chloe could still hear Josh cracking his knuckles, preparing to duel if necessary. He may have been gay, but that certainly didn't mean he wouldn't strong-arm a hoe when necessary.
"Listen," she snapped, hands on her hips. "Did you two have a reason for following us over here all the way from class other than starting shit? Because if you didn't, I'd like to get on with my day."
"We weren't trying to start anything," E.E. 1 countered. "That was all you two, trying to get hostile while we wanted to share the gospel with you-"
"How many times have we been over this?" Josh finally joined in. For the most part, he had been content to wait in the background, providing muscle if the argument had gotten ugly. But he had been preached at time and time again by the Evil Evangelicals when they both knew good and well that he was about as far from interested as it was possible to be, and he had made this clear time and time again. He had tried being polite. He had trying being sarcastic. But now he was about to try being pissed, and as much as Chloe really, sincerely wanted to see him bust one or both of their faces in for being such pricks, now was not the time or place for violence. She grabbed him by the arm and swiped her card in the key slot, shouting over her arm as she went. "Take your Christianity and condescension somewhere else. We higher life forms have got better things to do than have our IQ damaged from listening to you talk."
"Nice one," Josh complimented once the two of them were within the safety of their dorm lobby. "Higher life forms, eh?"
"Yeah, well, the two of them are barely one step above apes on the evolutionary chain. I think I'm gonna head upstairs to grab lunch and call my dad. Wanna meet tonight in your room to watch the special?"
"Sounds good. I guess I ought to call home as well," he said as the two of them headed for the stairs, passing up the elevator that had been out of order since 1997. "It's just that doing so totally ruins my day, you know?"
"Same here. I hate talking to my parents, but they're the ones paying for me to be here. So I get to call them once a week and have them foist their problems off on me."
"Don't you just love playing shrink to a couple of 40 year olds?"
At that moment, one of the 40 year olds in question was currently being straddled by a flight attendant in the front seat of his Mustang. He buried his face in her long, blond curtains of hair, inhaling the slightly citrus shampoo she had used that morning. Everything about her reminded him slightly of a citrus fruit. She was a tart, to be certain. He chuckled out loud at his inner comedian, causing her to pause for a moment in her frantic grinding to give him a quizzical look. "What's so funny?" she questioned, sounding vaguely suspicious. He smiled and shook his head. "Nothing, Hattie. Don't stop. I'm not finished yet." As he spoke, he grabbed both cheeks of her ass and squeezed, causing her to moan, arch her head, and return to her previous activity. However, before he could join her in her ecstasy, he heard the faint slaughter of Beethoven's Fifth that was his cell phone ringing from where it had fallen between the seats. Twisting slightly to fish around for it, his fingers finally closed on it and he drew it delicately, like a doctor performing open heart surgery, from the narrow crevice. However, his precision and delicacy was all for naught, as Hattie's adjustment caused her thigh to knock into his hand, where he promptly lost the phone to the black pit beneath the seat.
"Damn it, Hattie. It may have been the airline. What if they needed me to come in early for a flight?"
"Well, then I'm sure all the anxious businessmen just desperate to get to their meetings won't mind waiting while we finish up here. I'm sure they'll understand."
"Yeah, well you may not care overmuch about your job, but I've got a family to take care of-"
The ringing began again, somehow sounding more insistent this time.
"You get it. You reach down there and find it, and take your oh so important phone call. Your wife takes up all our time, and even when we get to be together, you're still focused entirely on your job. Do I really mean that little to you?"
There it was, the way her face soured up whenever she felt she wasn't being paid enough attention. There her mouth went, puckering up like a lemon. She looked ridiculous.
"Yup," he agreed as he extracted the phone and flipped it open, "absolutely nothing."
"Hey, dad."
"Hey. Make it quick, sweetheart. I'm on my way to work."
"Oh. Just wanted to say hi. See how things were going."
"Well, hi."
"Hi back."
"Look, Chloe, I'm really busy. Why don't you go give your mom a call? I bet she has loads of time to talk."
"Fine. Whatever. Sorry I took up your precious time."
Her temper, short at the best of times, had all but exploded by the time Chloe barged into Josh's room at eight. "That stupid, chauvinistic, imbecilic, blathering, stupid, senile-"
"I assume we mean your dad?" Josh interrupted from his perch in front of his Mac.
"I tried to talk to him! I did! He wouldn't give me the bleeding time of day! And then I call my mom, and she's all like, 'God's in control, honey, give it all to him,' and I'm all over here, like, 'no, Mom, he's not, because he doesn't fucking exist, and religion itself is a outdated mode of controlling people before there were established laws, and...just...aargh!"
While she gave herself over to screaming into a pillow, Josh continued browsing the internet with the television on in the background. However, his sudden shout quickly caught her attention as he began to practically dance with glee around the room.
"What are you so excited about?" Chloe asked, her hair staticky from her face-first pillow assault.
"Oh, nothing, nothing at all," Josh nearly sang, "except Cameron Williams is totally in Israel and might be appearing in some of the footage tonight. But other than that, nothing at all-"
"OH MY GOD. WHAT? SERIOUSLY?"
"Yes, seriously," he replied as she grabbed his hands and started dancing with him.
"Your/my/our future husband's gonna be on TV! Tonight! And we're totally going to record this."
"Oh yeah. For sure. I've got blank DVDs in my room."
"Then what are you still doing here? It's 7:56! Go, girl, go!"
She raced down the hall, nearly plowing into her roommate at the door. "SorryKatecan'ttalkBuck'!"
"Er...bye?"
But by that time, Chloe was already on her way back up the hall. There was only one floor between her room and Josh's, but it seemed to take forever to get there. She found herself fervently wishing as she ran that she was either more in shape, or that someone, at some point over the last decade had given enough of a shit to repair the freaking elevator.
She crashed into the room at 7:58, and by the time the two of them had figured out how to actually record anything, the program had already begun.
"-turned this Desert into the Garden of Eden."
"HOLY SHIT IT'S HIM!"
"SHUT UP SO I CAN HEAR!"
The two of them held their breaths in anticipation as the man who they considered to be the greatest international reporter of all time, or as Josh had affectionately dubbed him, the GIRAT, stood side by side in a cornfield in the middle of the Israeli Desert.
"I'm here today in Israel with the man behind the Garden of Eden himself, Professor Chaim Rosenzweig. This professor of botany has created a formula that allows for the aeration of previously unusable soil, allowing for the fertilization of desert plains like the one we're standing in now. Chaim- may I call you Chaim?"
The older Jewish man smiled benevolently. "Only if I can call you Buck."
The reporter grinned back, and continued. "Chaim, how do you feel your formula will effect Israel and it's surrounding regions?"
"Well Buck, the formula has already has a large effect on the nation's agricultural economy. We are currently one of the most productive, fertile regions in the world, and who knows what effects this may have on the global market. As you are probably well aware, we are already economically viable due to our large scale weapons manufacturing, but with this formula, perhaps we can scale back the weapons program and focus more on feeding our hungry brethren elsewhere throughout the world."
"So you are saying the formula will be shared with your surrounding countries, as well as other third world countries throughout the world?"
"Well, Buck, that is an interesting question. While the formula is currently not for sale, we are considering allowing other countries have our secret for a price."
Buck smiled knowingly. "Oh yes. Everything comes at a price- is that the Air Force up there?"
The camera panned up briefly, showing hundreds of planes swarming overhead. There was a moment of confusion, someone swore, and the bombs started falling.
Safe within their dorms on the other side of the world, Chloe and Josh stood side by side, fists clenched. They knew the GIRAT couldn't hear them screaming to get out of there, but it certainly didn't stop them from doing it. The camera wasn't focusing on anything at the moment, as the camera man was probably running for safety along with everyone else, but for one moment, it focused on Buck as he ran, half-dragging, half-carrying the older professor alongside him. The explosions cast an infernal red glow to the scene, as if the whole thing were some play cast in the pits of Hell. But for all the noise and panic and fear, no one actually seemed to be hurt. They couldn't tell, due to the crazy angle of the camera. But every time it passed along the ground, it would show a myriad of shrapnel and burning, twisted metal...and that was it. No bodies. No Buck, at least. Suddenly, the view changed, and instead of it's non focus, it suddenly centered in on Buck himself.
"I'm here at Ground Zero of what appears to be a massive air invasion from an unknown enemy," he started, then screamed, "RUN FOR IT!" as a giant hunk of twisting, burning, angry metal came down and landed right where he had been standing. "The military was unable to launch any counteroffensive strikes against this unknown enemy," he continued with wild eyes and nervous glances over his shoulder in case of any more near misses, "but it appears that the enemy aircraft have simply started to, well, spontaneously combust." He giggled, sounded slightly hysterical. "Yes, folks, it would appear to be an act of God, or dues ex machina, if you will, has caused Israel's enemies to fall out of the sky for no apparent reason. All of them. And, better still, no one appears to be injured. No one on Israel's side, that is. I think whoever attacked is pretty much toast, literally-"
The screen went gray, then suddenly they found themselves staring into the CNN newsroom, where the anchor was doing his best not to lose it himself.
"Yes, folks, that was Cameron Williams in Israel, er, stay close, we'll bring you the news as it happens, er. Keeping them full and focus-I mean, keeping them honest..."
Chloe and Josh simultaneously collapsed on the bed. "Um."
"..."
"I'm going to go call my parents. I don't care if one doesn't seem to like me and the other wants me to be saved. I need them right now."
"It doesn't seem fair, needing them when they obviously don't need us."
"You know, we could totally die tomorrow. I mean, who bombed Israel? Could they come after us? What if something like 9/11 happened again?"
"Or like the E. E.s say. All the Christians are gonna get raptured, and we'll be left to live through Hell on Earth, and then real Hell for all eternity."
"Fuck that. You know what? Fuck all of it. Fuck my parents. Fuck your parents and their homophobia. Fuck all the E. E.s and fuck Heaven and fuck Hell."
"You're awfully fucked up."
"I just watched a bunch of planes with people on board spontaneously combust. How stable am I supposed to be right now?"
"Good point. Wanna hold off on calling our parents and get some pizza?"
"Sounds good. I'm always less combative on a full stomach."
A/N: Fairly on track with canon so far. The OC is an attempt to flesh out the main characters.