Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. The Legend of Zelda, Fire Emblem and other properties in this belong to Nintendo. No profit is sought from this.
Note: Terrible innuendos warning. Please don't make this into a drinking-game unless you are tired of living and really wish to go by liver failure.
DIRTY LAUNDRY
A Super Smash Bros. Fan Fiction by Shadsie and 23Blenders
"LIIIIINK!" Robin roared, stomping with a purpose down the main hall of the Smash Mansion. When she'd found her target, she gripped him by the collar of his tunic and dragged him, knees and boots scraping on the floor as he struggled in abject confusion.
"Hiya?" he grunted, apparently clueless.
Along the way, Robin grabbed her "twin brother" by the collar of his coat.
"Huh? Robin?" Rob asked, "What's going on? Why are you trying to turn Link into a floor mop?"
"No time to explain!" Robin barked. "Get your sword ready!" she ordered him. "Link's ass needs a chat with our swords! And his face needs a diplomatic summit with our tomes! Come with me, to the Coliseum!"
"Well, I don't know what this is about," Rob said calmly, "But I'm always up for a good match. I'll make ready and meet you in five minutes."
"NO! NOT FIVE MINTUES!" Robin growled, "NOW! RIGHT THIS MOMENT! THIS DAMN ELF MIGHT ESCAPE!"
Rob raised his eyebrows. His self from another world did not usually act so…unmercifully. It was not as if there was a war on. He knew not to argue with her so he shrugged his shoulders and followed suit.
'HOLD HIM DOWN!" Robin not so much requested of her other half, but ordered, so Rob grabbed the errant Hylian by the legs and they entered the staging area.
"What is this about?" Link asked, fear gracing his normally courageous eyes.
"You know damn well what this is about!" Robin snarled. "And if you don't, I'll have to beat you twice as hard for forgetting!"
The three entered the Coliseum, two parties willingly, one unwillingly. There was a full crowd waiting for a good fight, which surprised Link, since he certainly had not set up anything. Perhaps Lady Robin had? He was utterly baffled. Could it have been that thing he'd done in the laundry room? He remembered when he'd accidentally tumbled a half-bottle of bleach straight into an open wash-bin with an errant elbow when he was fist-bumping Ryu (there to wash his sweaty headbands) and Lucina had wandered in with a basket and had said something to him. Unfortunately, Robin's beloved coat had been in that very wash-basin at the time. It had gone from its ominous black and purple shade to pink – a very light pink. She'd gotten some use out of it – combing a little dye into her hair to match to make it into an alternate costume after she'd been provided with a secondary coat, but it had been her favorite.
She wasn't still mad about that, was she?
Then there was that other thing he'd done in the laundry room, but no one knew about that, did they? Nah…
Lucina had fished the bleach bottle out of the open washer and had warned Link that accident or not, that he was going to catch Hell from Mother for this… The pearl-haired woman didn't like having things that belonged to her ruined. Link attempted a bit of light flirting to try to diffuse the situation, as humor had always been a ready tactic at his disposal for dealing with unfavorable situations. They'd tried to salvage the coat together and had wound up giving up and seeing to some of the other laundry that needed to be done. They thought that maybe, if they both did the entire load for everyone from the various timelines of Ylisse and Archeana, including the guest-fighters, that taking off their workload might make up just a little for running a valuable coat.
Link had always loved the smell and feel of clean laundry – so soft and warm… almost feminine. Lucina had always liked the smell of grass upon a tunic or armor fresh from the field, so manly. It was such a heavy load of washables that day - they were left tired and giggling like idiots.
Lucina walked into the viewing area, having caught wind that her mother and honorary uncle had dragged Link to a particular stage when he hadn't signed on for any fights that day. Oh, had the two of them really messed up everyone's laundry that badly? She was wide-eyed as Robin – her mother, told Link "Prepare yourself!"
Lucina ran to the viewing area's edge and leaned over the railing. "HE'S SORRY ABOUT THE COAT!" she cried. "HE ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT!"
Rob just stood aside, seeming relaxed and happy; the way he usually stood when he was anticipating a pleasant Smash match.
Lucina looked up at the running roster as it scrolled over the seating area. Why were Mother and Uncle Rob on a team against Link alone? Mother knew quite a lot about the advantages of pairs in battle, but she was not prone to dirty tactics unless survival was at stake.
"TWO AGAINST ONE IS NOT FAIR, MOTHER! KJELLE WOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU! SO WOULD FATHER!"
Her mother called back to her. "WE'LL SEE WHAT YOUR FATHER THINKS!"
And so, the battle began. Lucina immediately began rooting for Link. She seemed to have gotten Pit caught up in it, too, since the angel did not think this setup was fair, either. Dark Pit, however, just laughed whenever poor Link got caught between the Robin-twins and was tossed around like a volleyball by their thunder spells.
"Oh, I wonder what this is about?" Palutena asked. "If you ask me, this does not seem like a normal fight. Something is up here."
"You are suspicious that this is not just a regular Smash, Lady Palutena?" Pit asked.
"Of course I am, Pit," the goddess answered. "Rob seems to be enjoying himself, but Robin… something is decidedly not right. He's usually calmer in battle, more calculated. And she's not the kind to leave her flank open like th-"
Link got in a solid hit with the Master Sword on Robin and sent her flying backwards. She recovered quickly and took the high ground, jumping up on a moving platform. Rob, assisting his teammate practiced a little proctology with his bronze sword, after which he offered an apology, not quite aiming the way the sword actually went. Link dropped a bomb on his face, which thankfully for the male tactician, ended only in a snootful of soot.
Suddenly the lights over the arena dimmed and the crowd gasped. The object of much coveting in any Smash match bobbed and swayed overhead, tantalizingly out of reach. Robin steeled up her legs – despite her heavy coat in which she carried her tomes, still magnificent as bleached-pink as it was. She threw her tenth spent-tome at it.
The crowd had never before seen such fury – except when Ganondorf woke up with curlers in his hair, courtesy of Toon Link. She cracked the ball in one shot.
"Chrom!" she shouted, grabbing Link in a paralyzing burst of electricity to make him an easy target.
"Two against one, love?" Chrom asked before striking as he floated in the air with her, their victim between them.
"HE GOT OUR SWEET LITTLE GIRL PREGNANT!"
With that, Chrom paused and then roared a very deliberate "ON. YOUR. MARK!" and did his very best to cut Link to ribbons where he floated. An agonized scream ripped itself from Link's throat as he was rocketed off the stage directly into the arena force-field where Lucina was standing. The Hylian's face was bruised. He seemed to be missing a few teeth. Patches of rust and scuff covered his normally pristine green tunic.
"What?" Rob asked, standing on the bottom edge of the stage.
Link slid off the force field like a carelessly-thrown pudding-cup. Lucina ran to one of the elevators now that the stage was open and slammed her palm on a button, activating a platform to take her to the stage. She braced herself between her mother, Rob and her bewildered father when Link's broken body rematerialized by light-platform upon the stage's floor.
"Honestly, Lucina, I had no idea what was going on!" Rob exclaimed.
"Mother!" the princess screamed. "Why? Why would you even do this? And how did you come by this information? I haven't told anyone yet!"
"YOU'RE PREGNANT?" Link yelped.
The Hylian hero tried to pick himself up off the ground, offering his palms out in a non-threatening manner. He felt Chrom's version of the Falchion shave off a few of his hairs as it was planted firmly into the ground next to him.
"Normally, two against one is not a fair fight," the Exalt said, "But if my wife is correct, this is a war."
"A war, sir?" Link asked, surprised that the stern-faced man allowed him to get to his feet, or at least to his knees.
"Well, of course it is, if your 'little soldiers' have breached my daughter's defenses and set up a colony within her fortress."
Robin rolled her eyes at this statement. Link blushed as did Rob. Lucina was highly upset. "Father!"
"I found a report carelessly left upon Dr. Mario's desk when I was in his office the other day after that little bought I had with food poisoning," Robin confessed. "He advised me to just eat from the cafeteria and to stop trying my own recipes. When he went into the back to get something to quell the nausea, I spied the paper."
"Mother…"
"It was easy to piece together, dear," she said. "I could smell the hormones between you two from a mile away when you were together. If there's anything I know; it's an S-support. I'm just surprised that Rob did not catch on."
"Oh, I knew they were dating," Rob said, "I just did not know that they would risk… inter-dimensional children. Didn't that princess of wisdom you work under teach you anything, Link?"
"Well, regarding protection, I never really liked…uh… like…like-like…" Link trailed off. "It's not like I even thought it was possible… between technically-different species and worlds and such."
"Well, Robin began, "I heard a rumor about people caught taking naps in the clean clothing in the laundry room, although I thought most of those people were Pikachcu."
"Well, there was the other thing I did in the laundry room," Link confessed, penting his index fingers… and in the closet… and in the kitchen…"
And then Lucina smacked him across the face before he could list any more "spots of interest" around the mansion.
"I don't think I'm ready to be a grandfather," Chrom sighed.
"I'm not ready to be called 'grandma," Robin groused.
"You have the hair for it!" Link chimed.
It was Robin's turn to smack him across the face.
"It. Is. My. Genetics!" Robin iterated to him. "Which means, you'd best be prepared for your little son or daughter to come out as old-man-or-lady-haired as me!"
"Hoo, boy…"
The thoroughly confused group paused for a moment before the completely defeated hero offered up one last note of redemption.
"I… I hope the baby has Lucina's hair. I want our child to look just like her, because she is the most beautiful thing in all worlds to me."
Lucina wrapped him in a hug.
Chrom mouthed the words "Good move" to him.
Rob nodded admiringly at Link's quick, tactical save.
Robin smiled.
End.
This story was written in the space of a day when Blender and I visited each other and played some Super Smash Bros. It was too nasty-sticky-hot a day to do much of anything but sit in one of mankind's most wonderful inventions – air conditioning – and play video games – the other of humanity's best inventions. We, of course, started making up little stories for our matches and, well, we just sat down and live-wrote this one. I hope you enjoyed.